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View Full Version : Dumber than...As nervous as...what *rural* similes amuse you?


Largo62
04-28-2002, 03:58 AM
She's as dumb as a sack of hammers. He's nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. What other country cliche's amuse you? Or piss you off, for that matter?

5 time champ
04-28-2002, 04:01 AM
Two or three times, and never lightly, I have heard my mother use the expression. . .nervous as a whore in church.

Essured
04-28-2002, 04:26 AM
-As ugly as a hatful of arseholes, (or assholes)

-As mad as a cut snake,

-As thick as two bricks,

-As dumb as dogshit,

-As slow as a wet weekend,

-As thin as a rake,

I don't know how *rural* they are... I hope not too rural, because Mr Goo says them all constantly (apart form the rake one)

Kal
04-28-2002, 05:29 AM
He's got a face like a bulldog chewing a thistle.

Thick as pig-shit.

She's got the memory of an elephant and twice as ugly.

He's got a face like the south end of a north-bound cow.

Dumb as a post.

Nocturne
04-28-2002, 05:55 AM
A variation on one in the OP:

Whenever my sister and I fought, my mom would say, "Stop it you two. You're like two sore-tail cats in a room full of rocking chairs."

Dr. Rieux
04-28-2002, 06:56 AM
He's got about as much chance as a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest.

Violet
04-28-2002, 08:15 AM
"Like flies on shit" or "like stink on shit." For example, "People are attracted to him like flies on shit."

A guy I knew from the midwest described the back end of wide people in the weirdest ways. One was, "When they walked or ran, their butts looked like two pigs fighting in blanket."

hobgnoblin
04-28-2002, 08:55 AM
As cold as a well-diggers ass.

As cold as a witch's tit in a brass bra.

As fucked up as a football bat. (drunk or stoned)

Grinning like a jackass eating briars.

Jack Batty
04-28-2002, 09:16 AM
I always kind of liked ...

"Ugly as a fistful of worms."

Ferret Herder
04-28-2002, 09:25 AM
Originally posted by Dr. Rieux
He's got about as much chance as a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest.

I've heard this phrased as "busier than", as well. The one that amuses me, since I'm a ferret owner, is "slipperier than a greased polecat."

Jack Batty
04-28-2002, 09:28 AM
"He was so frazzled, he didn't know whether to shit or go bowling."

bibliophile
04-28-2002, 10:36 AM
My mother's originally southern and one of her favorites always was "I'll be on you like a hen on a junebug" - in other words, we were in big trouble.

Yossarian
04-28-2002, 10:42 AM
Depending on the company, either:

"He could screw up a free lunch," or

"He could screw up a wet dream".

Nocturne
04-28-2002, 10:45 AM
More Mama-isms:

I'll be on you like white on rice.

Cold as a cast-iron commode on the north end of an iceberg.

And a sister-ism:

Hotter'n two rats f***ing in a wool sock.

shrew
04-28-2002, 10:51 AM
Originally posted by Violet
"Like flies on shit" or "like stink on shit." For example, "People are attracted to him like flies on shit."

When I was fifteen, the dad of one of my guy friends used this particular one on me,"If I were your age, I'd be on you like stink on shit."

Am I supposed to be the shit in that analogy? And that was before the term, "He/She's the Shit," came about.

It was a terribly romantic moment.



My favorite:

One time one of my students said, "That bus so old it make my toes turn green."

I have no idea what it means, but I thought it was hilarious.

Jervoise
04-28-2002, 10:53 AM
I'm not sure whether these are just a local ones:

Going off like a frog in a sock.

Going off like a bucket of prawns on the beach.

Forbin
04-28-2002, 10:55 AM
Uglier than a stump fence built by moonlight.

Wearing too much makeup?
Enough paint to paint a battleship, and enough powder to blow it up.

Fibonacci
04-28-2002, 01:02 PM
I've posted this before in a similar thread, but Ken Weaver's (ex-Fugs) collection of "Texas Crude (http://humboldt1.com/~barkndog/gray/crude01.htm)" from CoEvolution Quarterly back in the late 70's/early 80's (with illustrations by R. Crumb) is worth another look.

"You buy 'em books and you buy 'em books and they just chew on the covers."
1. Some people are impervious to the counsel of Wisdom. They just can't, or won't learn.

lexi
04-28-2002, 01:11 PM
How about

Strong like bull, smart like tractor.

Violet
04-28-2002, 01:15 PM
Not PC, & not meant to offend, but I heard this a long time ago: "As busy as a blind queer at a weenie roast."

Deej
04-28-2002, 01:29 PM
Uglier than (or plainer than) a board fence.

I didn't know whether to shit or go blind, so I closed one eye and farted.

I was so scared I was shittin' rubber nickles.

I was so mad I coulda spit brass tacks.

I gotta pee so bad my back teeth are floatin'.

You drink any more coffee, and we're gonna' have to row home.

"Axe handles" are a common unit of measurement, ie: My ass is headin' for two axe handles wide.

Revtim
04-28-2002, 02:54 PM
A southern pal would say "it's hotter than a well-digger's crotch on the 4th of July!"

Another southern co-worker from way back commented on a lazy colleague: "He's about as useful as tits on a boar-hog!"

Cargogal
04-28-2002, 02:59 PM
From my dad: "I'll be all over you like a cold sweat" (A vague threat.)

Referring to a wide butt: "Two axe handles and a long squirrel jump."

neofishboy
04-28-2002, 03:35 PM
"Dumber than a box of hair" has an odd, prosaic quality that's always appealed to me.

Ringo
04-28-2002, 03:41 PM
Busier than a cross-eyed cranberry picker.

Dumber than a box of rocks.

Dagny
04-28-2002, 04:14 PM
Slicker than snot on a doorknob.

I'm gonna be on you like white on rice.

Winkie
04-28-2002, 04:57 PM
Dryer than cracker juice!

DPWhite
04-28-2002, 05:15 PM
Richard Nixon once said during a David Frost interview that something "was as thin as piss on a rock" referring to something insubstantial. If only his tapes had that kind of profanity on them, they'd be a heck of a lot more interesting.

chique
04-28-2002, 05:29 PM
"How're you?"

"Finer than a frog hair split four ways."

cornflakes
04-28-2002, 06:10 PM
I've known a few catfish, all mouth and no brain.

My mother modeled herself after Emily Post. All the same when a younger mom in the neighborhood once asked her if she should address her by her first or last name, Mom said "Honey, you can call me a son of a bitch just so long as you smile!" In Mom's defense, this was decades ago.

Dirty Earthworm
04-28-2002, 06:51 PM
Originally posted by Jack Batty
I always kind of liked ...

"Ugly as a fistful of worms." HEY! I resent that remark. ;)

-Dirty

Largo62
04-28-2002, 11:30 PM
More have occurred to me whilst reading this thread:

My dad used to say, "That store is closed up tighter than a bull's ass in fly season," or "She's uglier than a mud fence full of water dogs."

A former co-worker would say, "You could f**k up a two-car fiuneral."

I always loved the alliterative quality of "hotter than a half-f**ked fox in a forest fire."


Carry on.

Incubus
04-29-2002, 12:05 AM
I'm suprised nobody mentioned my favorite- Faster than greased lightning. As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing faster than greased lightning (I mean, come on )

I also heard "That's as hard as a one legged cat trying to take a dump on a frozen lake" don't remember where it came from tho.

Ruby
04-29-2002, 12:19 AM
S/he's dumber than a hoe handle.

(Referring to a stupid act or an ugly person) Now I know why tigers eat their young.

DoctorJ
04-29-2002, 01:56 AM
I heard it as the even more alliterative "hotter than a freshly-fucked fox in a forest fire."

It could also be "hotter than a six-peckered billy goat in a pepper patch."

Dr. J

tigergirl
04-29-2002, 02:37 AM
Here's a few of my fav's in another thread (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=108597)

hapaXL
04-29-2002, 02:40 AM
He's as sharp as a mud fence.

Dr. Rieux
04-29-2002, 02:49 AM
Courtesy of Stephen King:

"You need that like a hen needs a flag."

"He's as gay as your dad's old hatband."

Batsinma Belfry
04-29-2002, 02:55 AM
Referring to someone with buck teeth - "He/She could eat watermelon thru a picket fence."

BlackKnight
04-29-2002, 03:08 AM
My dad has said the following:

"Slower than molasses in January."

On something good happening:
"That was better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

And my personal favorite:
"Crazy as 'coon shit." :)

widdershins
04-29-2002, 03:53 AM
"I'm hotter than a hen in a wool basket, and her in heat."

"I don't know you from Adam's housecat."

"He's as sharp as mayonaise."

"He's tougher than an old dog's asshole." - How the guy who said this knows this, I don't want to know.

robinc308
04-29-2002, 07:02 AM
"A few roos loose in the top paddock"

"A one man slum"

"Couldn't organise his way out of a wet paper bag"

"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery"

Iyamity
04-29-2002, 07:44 AM
Said about driving on icy roads - "Slicker than goose shit on linoleum" Another one about something good happening - "Better than a kick in the nuts wiht a frozen cowboy boot."

KidCharlemagne
04-29-2002, 07:53 AM
I can't believe this thread is here, I was sitting in bed saying I wanted to start a thread like this the next morning. Here are mine.

1. Im gonna beat you like a red-headed step-child

2. Im gonna beat you like a rented-mule

3. She's been banged more times than a screen door in a hurricane

4. She's been plowed more times than a parking lot in buffalo

5. She's as cute as a speckled puppy on a little red wagon.

easy e
04-29-2002, 10:38 AM
When describing unlikely occurances:

-that would go over like a fart in church
or
-that would go over like a lead balloon.

My grandfather says this: "He's so stupid he couldn't pour piss out of a shoe if the directions were written on the heel."

Now, when I first heard that (I was maybe 8 or 9) I laughed and thought "yeah, you'd have to be pretty stupid to have to look for directions." It wasn't until years later that I realized that if you did look for the directions, it should pour out anyway.

Sometimes I was a bit on the slow side.

Honey
04-29-2002, 11:53 AM
"Dumber than a box of rocks."

"As nervous as a dog shittin' peach pits."

"Busier than a one-armed paper hanger."

"As useful as tits on a bull."

Honey

Bumbazine
04-29-2002, 11:55 AM
"He was so ugly he'd back a buzzard off a meat wagon."

"She was so bow-legged she couldn't catch a pig in a ditch."

"I'm busier than a one-armed paper hanger."

"I'm hornier than a two-peckered tomcat."

"He couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight."

"She's as cute as a bug's ear."

My cowboy BIL said of a pretentious poser once: "He's all hat and no ranch."

HelloKitty
04-29-2002, 11:57 AM
* Hotter than a cowboy's pistol

* Crazy as a road lizard

* So stupid he ain't worth killin'

Aleq
04-29-2002, 12:33 PM
Courtesy of Tabitha King:

"Stupid as a fried popsicle."

Goes along with "Crazy as a soup sandwich."

"Busy as a one armed taxi driver with crabs."

"Crazier 'n a shithouse rat."

Big G
04-29-2002, 01:26 PM
Courtesy of Bart Simpson:

You folded faster than Superman on wash day.

-G

The Mermaid
04-29-2002, 02:47 PM
Busier than a cat covering up

Faster than shit through a goose.

One of my all time favs is ----I had em all steppin and fetching like their feet were on fire and their asses were catching (Charley Daniel's, Uneasy Rider)

Dumb as a box of rocks.

Billy Baroo
04-29-2002, 03:09 PM
Happy as a queer in a dick tree.

Spoke
04-29-2002, 03:51 PM
My dear old Daddy was a treasure trove of country similes. Some of his: Grinnin' like a mule eatin' saw briars.
Useless as a one-legged man at an ass-kickin'.
(While admiring a female bottom...) Boy, that's just like two pigs in a gunny sack.
That gal is so buck-toothed she could eat an apple through a picket fence.
Nervous as a pregnant nun.
Useless as a screen door on a submarine.
(When something falls flat:) That went over like a turd in the punchbowl.
(My Dad was not PC): Queer as a three-dollar bill. (No offense, o gay dopers.)
Poor as Job's turkey. (Huh?)
Someone who was doing well was "in tall cotton."
That boy's about as sharp as a bowling ball. (Foghorn Leghorn was partial to this one, I think. My Dad, come to think of it, was a very Foghorn Leghornesque character.)
Crooked as a dog's hind leg.
Tall as a Georgia pine.
Hotter than a two-dollar pistol.
Hotter than a two-dollar whore.
Skinny as a rail.


Typical exchange between my parents:

Daddy: That gal is uglier than homemade mud!
Momma: Frank! She can't help how she looks!
Daddy: She could stay home!

My favorite simile moment was in a feed store. I was standing in line, and the clerk at the counter was having a little trouble figuring out the change on a purchase. The guy in front of me (no rocket scientist himself) turned and said under his breath, "That boy's dumb worser'n ary a box 'a rocks."

Oh, irony!

burundi
04-29-2002, 05:00 PM
Some of my North Carolina favorites:
useless as tits on a boar-hog
organized as a soup sandwich
in high cotton (this is like being on easy street)

W. Panic Snopes
04-29-2002, 05:55 PM
"Dumber than a hundred chickens."

"Busier than a redneck in a round room trying to find a corner to pee in..."

"Uglier than a baboon's ass."

"Richer than fried cheesecake with Crisco topping."

"Dryer than Pat Boone's liquor cabinet."

Courtesy of Scott Adams' THE DILBERT PRINCIPLE: "Useless as a truckload of Chihuahuas."

W. Panic Snopes
04-29-2002, 05:57 PM
Courtesy of Terry Pratchett's GOOD OMENS: "Gayer than a treeload of monkeys on nitrous oxide."

The one I never could figure out was "You look like Ned in the First Reader." Anyone have a clue?

Tixenfleaz
04-30-2002, 11:23 AM
A few I've heard...

Braggarts: "That boy's got an alligator mouth and a hummingbird ass." (Such gents were frequently referred to as "gator birds".)

Reality Challenged: "Poor girl's a coupla sandwiches short a picnic."

Reality Challenged II: "The boy's cheese done slipped off his cracker."

Why I couldn't borrow the family car: "Son, it'd be like giving a razor to a monkey."


I love Southerners....

W. Panic Snopes
04-30-2002, 11:35 AM
I think somebody blew his pilot light out.

That gal's about a quart low.

Variant on alligator/hummingbird: He let's his alligator mouth write checks his hummingbird ass can't cash.

She could snag lightnin' outta a clear blue sky. (ugly)

She's got teeth like the devil's shitrays.

He's the biggest liar since the devil learned to talk.

That car runs faster than a scalded monkey.

Judith Prietht
04-30-2002, 12:32 PM
From my father, in reference to our overweight, spoiled, eldery dog:
"He's ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag."
And for some reason, this made me laugh in a Michael Malone book
"He cries when a fucking flag goes by."

Spoke
04-30-2002, 12:37 PM
Originally posted by W. Panic Snopes
The one I never could figure out was "You look like Ned in the First Reader." Anyone have a clue?

That is a reference to "Lazy Ned," a character in the standard grammar school textbook of yore, McGuffey's Reader (http://digital.library.pitt.edu/cgi-bin/nietz.pl?notisid=00acj4738m&type=header).

How was the expression used, in your experience? To refer to someone who was taking it easy?

cornflakes
04-30-2002, 12:48 PM
"Crazier than a peach orchard boar." Do you want to be around a wild hog that has been eating fermented peaches?

There's one that goes something like "He's allright most of the time, but after a few six packs he turns ten foot tall and bulletproof."

"I was raised on red beans and rice", meaning that the speaker is a basic, down to earth sort.

As a lawyer I hired once wrote, "I was born at night but it wasn't last night, and the same goes for the jury who will hear this case if your client does not accept our demand...."

Nobody has pointed it out yet that "In tall cotton" means you're in for a nice check come harvest time.

Spoke
04-30-2002, 01:13 PM
Nobody has pointed it out yet that "In tall cotton" means you're in for a nice check come harvest time.

I believe it refers to the fact that tall cotton is easier to pick. You don't have to strin your back stooping over all day. So someone who's in tall cotton is enjoying good fortune.

Here's another one:

Busier than a cat covering crap on linoleum.

Fear Itself
04-30-2002, 01:17 PM
"His brain would rattle around in an ant's ass like a pea in a boxcar"

or

"It was raining like a bull pissing on a flat rock"

W. Panic Snopes
04-30-2002, 01:20 PM
I can't believe nobody has posted the greatest simile of all, Christopher Marlowe's poem:

She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what

I think to sing it again

She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what

meezer
04-30-2002, 04:21 PM
Quieter than a mouse pissing on cotton

Darker than a black cat's ass at midnight

Weird_AL_Einstein
05-06-2002, 03:30 PM
"He's got a shit eating grin."

Never quite understood that one...I sure as hell wouldn't grin if I were eating shit. A more elaborate variation:

"Grinning like a racoon eating fish guts out of a wire brush."

I got that one from P.J. O'Rourke, he was describing Jimmy Carter.

sward
05-06-2002, 04:42 PM
As nervous as a sword swallower with the hiccups.
Popular as a porcupine in a petting zoo.
As useless as a screen door on a submarine.

Tansu
05-06-2002, 05:59 PM
Thick as pigshit in the neck of a bottle.

Kyomara
05-07-2002, 02:20 AM
"Damn, look at the tits on her. Like two puppies fightin' under a blanket."

ratty
05-08-2002, 02:07 AM
Here are a few of my favorites:

"Can't dance, and it's too wet to plow." Means "Might as well."

"He's a good boy, but he shits a little close to the house." Means "Not too bright."

"I've enjoyed about as much of this as I can stand." Means "This sucks and I'm leaving."

"You feelin' froggy, you leap!" Means "Do you want to fight me?"

"It's getting drunk outside". Means "I'm completely wasted."

"People in hell want icewater, too." Means "You're not getting what you want, so get used to it."

"Rode hard and put away wet". Means someone looks terrible.

I also genuinely enjoy the eerie yet hilarious sounds of true hog-calling: "Woo, pig, SSOOOOOO-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" (You can very occasionally see this in action on certain channels that will play rodeo competeitions and such.)

AskNott
05-11-2002, 02:50 PM
"Yeah, well, YOUR mama's boots have instruction written on the heel!"

"They're workin' me like a barred owl."

"That girl would make a freight train take a gravel road." (homely)

"She's enough to make a young bulldog break his chain." (pretty)

"He's tougher than a tattooed cockroach."

"Snug as a bug in a rug."

"His singing is not as bad as it sounds." --Mark Twain

"Busier than a billy goat with three wives."

Gravity
05-11-2002, 05:27 PM
As my gram says occationally: "That boy doesn't have sense enough to suck alum and drool."

kesmith10
05-09-2012, 12:36 PM
"He's crazy as a sprayed roach."

"She's crazy as a run-over dog."

"He's runnin' around like a chicken with it's head cut off."

"I need that like I need a sharp stick in the eye."
-OR-
"It beats a sharp stick in the eye."

(When someone is whining) "You've got me cryin' tears as big as horse turds (or cow paddies).

(When someone is perpetually an asshole) "They've got the personality of a bag of chapped assholes."

(Eating dinner) "Haven't eaten anything yet I wanted to spit back out."

(When food is really good) "It'll make your tongue slap your brains out." (originally, "if _____ (whatever dish/food) was atop my head, my tongue would slap my brains out trying to get to it."

(when something is unlikely/calling someone a liar)
-"Yeah, and I'm a gypsy jet pilot."
-"Anyone would believe that standing on their head."

"He can't carry a tune in a bucket."

"She's got a face like the business end of an old plow horse."

"He's busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest."

"...like white on rice."

"...cold as a witches tit." or "...cold as a well-digger's ass."

"He's so full o' shit his eyes are turning brown."

"He's about as worthless as tits on a boar hog."

(asking someone how they're doing) "Finer than a frog's hair"

"He couldn't find his way out of a torn paper bag."

"'Bout as full as a tick."

"Mad as a cat dunked in water."

"He doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground."

"She looks like she was beat with an ugly stick."

"Don't piss on my head and tell me it's raining."

"About as nervous as a cat in a roomful of rocking chairs."

"He's drunker than Cooter Brown"

Instead of saying "Be there soon." they all say "Be there directly."

(talking about someone's aim, either throwing or shooting) "He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn."

(When asking an obvious question...)
-"Does a bear shit in the woods?"
-"Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?"
-"Are pork chops greasy?"

"Don't go getting your panties in a wad." (calm down)

"He's so poor, he ain't got two nickels to rub together."

"Up shit creek without a paddle."

"He's so slick he could sell ketchup Popsicles to a woman in white gloves."
"He could sell ice to an eskimo."

"I'll be on you like a dog on a meat wagon."

"That's enough to make the preacher cuss."

"He's got about as much sense as tree bark."

"He's got a snoball's chance in hell of..."

ThelmaLou
05-09-2012, 12:44 PM
Heard this one on Will and Grace (not exactly rural): "Dumb as a box of hair."

Little Nemo
05-09-2012, 12:49 PM
Another zombie sneak attack. I was reading along and saw a post by Ringo. That made me check the dates and see this is a ten year old thread.

Sister Vigilante
05-09-2012, 02:43 PM
But I have some to add.

Slicker than owl shit ~ Stephen King

She can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. (She's slutty.)

Also, very un PC but I've heard it: When telling someone to do something:

"What color do I look?"

cwthree
05-09-2012, 03:21 PM
"Could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon," in reference to a particularly foul odor.

Agent Foxtrot
05-09-2012, 03:22 PM
Mine are a little on the raunchier side...

+1 for "Beat you like a rented mule."

"Beat my dick like it owes me money."

"Queerer than a three-dollar bill."

"Busier than a dog with two dicks."

Sicks Ate
05-09-2012, 03:25 PM
If something is particularly or surprisingly prominent:

It stuck out like a diamond in a goat's ass.

Applied regularly to a golf ball that went in to the rough, but is surprisingly easy to find.

PandaBear77
05-09-2012, 03:49 PM
Sweatin' like a whore in church

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

cochrane
05-09-2012, 04:26 PM
(Describing an attractive woman:) "She's got a nice swing on her back porch."

"Reasoning with him is like trying to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it pisses off the pig."

Imasquare
05-10-2012, 02:54 AM
I've heard this phrased as "busier than", as well. The one that amuses me, since I'm a ferret owner, is "slipperier than a greased polecat."

Cranky as a bag of weasels.

Dendarii Dame
05-10-2012, 08:58 AM
My mother used to say a summer day was "hotter than Dutch love."
Other ones I've heard/read include:

"Happy as a possum in a persimmon tree with the dogs a mile away."
"Folded like a two-dollar suitcase."
"The only reason that boat didn't fall apart was the termites were holding hands."
"He was so ugly, when he fell in the Mississippi, you could skim ugly for a month."
"He was so ugly, he didn't die. He just uglied away."

And, from Futurama, Zap's comment about Leela: "I'll be on her like a fly on a pile of very sensual manure."

Qwakkeddup
05-10-2012, 10:23 AM
Better Pissed off than stood upon and pissed off of.
He's shitting in tall cotton.
((so dumb)) He'd land on his feet and crack his skull.
I wouldn't shit you, you're my favorite turd.
She got beat with the ugly stick, but he got hit with the whole tree.
He ain't got the sense God gave grass, rocks, dirt, etc.
If brains were trains, his is derailed.
When they handed out brains he thought they said pains and hid.

Earl Snake-Hips Tucker
05-10-2012, 10:49 AM
As nervous as a gerbil at Fire Island on the Fourth of July.

Harvey Ferguson
05-10-2012, 01:19 PM
Purrin' like a tomcat in a parlour.

Politzania
05-10-2012, 02:15 PM
From my husband's grandmother (rural Indiana) - said about someone who is fidgety:
"Quit being a fart in a skillet"

Harvey Ferguson
05-10-2012, 02:26 PM
Handier than a pocket in a vest.

Old timer here says the local small town hardware store stocks everything from a ladies fart to a clap of thunder.

VunderBob
05-10-2012, 02:43 PM
"I'm so hungry, I could eat the ass out of a gorilla."

"Cuter than a bushel basket of freckled puppies."

"Uglier than a mud fence."

"He's as sharp as a bowling ball."

"Subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal."

BlinkingDuck
05-10-2012, 02:44 PM
That's life in the big city...one can crawl into a real hurtbag.

Or my favorite...

I'm busier than a field mouse covering up buffalo shit!

Wargamer
05-10-2012, 02:46 PM
Wetter than a double-dicked bull pissin' on a flat rock. (Which means it's a frog strangler. )

(Which means Noah's gatherin' up two of each animal.)

(Which means it's coming down cats and dogs.)

(Which means it's raining very hard.)

VunderBob
05-10-2012, 02:57 PM
A couple more:

"Want in one hand, and shit in the other. See which fills up the fastest."

"if I had a dog as ugly as ____, I'd shave it's ass and make it walk backwards."

"That boy's a few tacos short of a combo plate."

"Crazy as a shithouse weasel."

"She could suck start a Harley."

Yllaria
05-10-2012, 02:58 PM
. . . Grinning like a jackass eating briars.

Might not be an old saying:

"Then he grinned, like a fox eating shit from a barbed wire fence."

From American Gods by Neil Gaiman.

Agent Foxtrot
05-10-2012, 03:38 PM
Two more:

"Sharp as a bag of wet hair."

"That [joke] blew over like a fart in church."

Mean Mr. Mustard
05-10-2012, 05:31 PM
From Dad:

That could gag a maggot on a gut truck.

He's lower than a snake in a wagon rut.

I'm busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

He's tighter than a gnat's ass.

He couldn't find his ass with two hands and a roadmap.


mmm

rsat3acr
05-10-2012, 05:50 PM
dumb as a box of rocks
sharp as a bowling ball
sharp as jello
all the brains God gave a number 2 pencil

johnpost
05-10-2012, 05:53 PM
zombie or no

this is Hew Haw Gone Wild.

Bless your pea-pickin' hearts.

Reloy3
05-10-2012, 06:22 PM
A few from my family:

"I look like the wrath of Zues"
"She has more baggage than AMTRACK"
"She has more issues than the New York Times"
"She has more hang-ups than a telemarketer"
"She has more hang-ups than a clothes closet"
(About someone who is insane) "He's a quarter bubble off of plumb"

Reloy3
05-10-2012, 06:24 PM
Oh and a few weight comments:
"A few more pounds and he'll affect the tides"
"He tripped yesterday and rocked himself to sleep trying to get back up"
"He gets taller lying down"

TreacherousCretin
05-10-2012, 08:39 PM
"I'm so hungry, I could eat the ass out of a gorilla."

Alternate:

"So hungry I could eat the ass off a skunk."
.

Enright3
05-11-2012, 04:43 PM
As cold as a witch's tit in a brass bra.


or as cold as a Warlock's cock in brass jock? :)

Enright3
05-11-2012, 04:53 PM
She looks like she's been pulled through a knothole backwards. (when someone looks frazzled)
I'm so happy I gotta sit on my hands to keep from clapping. (when asked "how you doing?")
If I were any better I'd need a twin. (when asked "how you doing?")
He couldn't whip shit off a shirt tail. (said when someone thinks they're tough)
He's tighter than the skin on bologna.
He's tighter than the bark on a tree.

Sheriru
05-11-2012, 05:04 PM
Wearing too much makeup?
Enough paint to paint a battleship, and enough powder to blow it up.

I really like this :D awesome.

Enright3
05-11-2012, 05:59 PM
I just thought of another one;
He beat him like a bastard child at a family reunion.
I haven't seen you in a month of Sundays.
It's raining like a cow pissin' on a flat rock.
I'm as full as a tick.

Quasimodem
05-11-2012, 06:24 PM
Has this one been answered?

"I'm so nervous I could thread a running sewing machine" ?

Sorry if it has, but time is short.

Thanks

Quasi

Quasimodem
05-11-2012, 06:33 PM
From Saturday Night Live:

"I'm busier than a set of jumper cables at a Mexican funeral"

And with apologies to my gay friends (I DO consider you my friends, btw)

"I'm happier than a queer with a bagful of dicks".

I know.

I'm going to hell, but I love you anyway.

Bill

CanvasShoes
05-11-2012, 06:46 PM
From my mom (about our hair before she'd combed it) though she's from the West Coast,. "you look like you crawled out of a brush heap backward".
I don't remember where I heard these but
* regarding a tough situation "....that's like trying to nail jello to a tree".
* madder n' a wet hen

LawMonkey
05-11-2012, 10:14 PM
I suspect these are militarisms more than ruralisms... but given the overlap, maybe not:

On it like black on a bowling ball -- or -- On it like white on rice

And then we've got my father's vulgarisms, several of which have already been mentioned, but not: Colder than a brass monkey's balls.

Civil Guy
05-11-2012, 11:01 PM
Any futile endeavor: Like trying to sneak dawn past a rooster.

Any self-serving explanation: That's just what the fox would tell the farmer, if he could.

cornflakes
05-11-2012, 11:26 PM
(Said when running into an old friend) Well, the people you run into when you don't have a gun!

skdale723
05-11-2012, 11:47 PM
Dumber than a bag of hammers..
Fucked upper than a soup sandwich
Fucked upper than a football bat

Bam Boo Gut
05-11-2012, 11:51 PM
He's happier than a pig in shit, he's got more <whatever> than a cow's got cunt but he's as thick as two short planks.

Bam Boo Gut
05-11-2012, 11:53 PM
From my mom (about our hair before she'd combed it) though she's from the West Coast,. "you look like you crawled out of a brush heap backward".


You've been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Quasimodem
05-12-2012, 12:47 AM
Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down?

That might not be phrased just right, y'all.

Q

Mosier
05-12-2012, 12:54 AM
So stupid she burned down the house trying to make Kool-Aid.

Reepicheep
05-12-2012, 01:33 AM
He or she got hit with the ugly stick.

Beauty may be skin deep but ugly goes clear to the bone

Describing something hard: Its like trying to take a flying f**k in a rolling donut.

The good scholars at Texas A&M are required to take both biology and geology so they can always tell their ass from a hole in the ground

They are as poor as churchmice.

Slow as Christmas

Dumb as a doornob

Qwakkeddup
05-13-2012, 12:24 AM
Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.
Cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
He could fuck up a wet dream.
Happy as a pig in shit.
Dumb as a post.

Qwakkeddup
05-13-2012, 12:25 AM
So stupid she burned down the house trying to make Kool-Aid.



Hey! I knew her! :p

TreacherousCretin
05-13-2012, 03:06 AM
In the 70's I worked with an Irishman. He had left Ireland for the USA when he was 20; he was about 40 when I met him. His politics were extremely conservative.
One fine day, a young hippie type guy came into the store to buy something; he had a huge head of curly hair, full beard and moustache, all of it messy and dirty-looking.
After he left, Jim turned to me and remarked "That guy looks like a bloody goat peering through a hedge."
.

UntouchedTakeaway
05-13-2012, 06:26 AM
My mother had two favorites (which I employ at every opportunity)

"Wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills up faster"

and

"You want horns, but you're gonna die butt-headed"


Happy Mothers' Day, mom - I miss you every day

UT

saje
05-13-2012, 07:28 AM
My favorite from an old Maine cowboy -

"Numb as pounded thumb"

Or as he said it:

"Nummer'n a pounded t'um" :D

Mosier
05-13-2012, 12:22 PM
Me: Hey dad, you don't look well. How do you feel?
Dad: Like 10 pounds of shit shoved into a 5 pound sack.

picunurse
05-13-2012, 03:27 PM
He could talk the arm off a bronze monument.
Dumber than a sneaker full of shit.
Jumpy as a cat on a hot tin roof.

Spoke
05-13-2012, 05:27 PM
So stupid she burned down the house trying to make Kool-Aid.
She can't cook but she's got something to eat.

Reepicheep
05-13-2012, 07:43 PM
One I heard today:

Don't let the screen door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya

Civil Guy
05-14-2012, 12:28 AM
There had been harsh words about something or other, and the Baptist minister was invited by the church leadership to find a different ministry. He was nevertheless invited to preach one more time and kept his temper in check, finally giving his parting message: "I have sincere gratitude for the kindness that most of you have shown me. In keeping with the dignity of this house of worship, I have no harsh words for any others. I merely wish them to take notice of the sprig of mistletoe attached to my coattails."

Agent Foxtrot
05-14-2012, 02:33 PM
Another two:

My brother once said about my tenacity in arguments: "He could talk a dog off a meat truck."

Also:

"He has more chins than a Chinese phone book."

ShirleyB
05-15-2012, 02:47 PM
"Throw some glass in that pneumonia hole!" -- Close the window
"Throw a board in the hole." -- Close the door.
"Slicker than hammered owl shit." -- Said of icy roads (but I always wondered just who did the research...) :)
'Stop that sniveling. You sound likea a dying calf in a snowstorm." To a crying child (not very sensitive...)

There's a (possibly self-published) series of books titled, "Texas Crude", "More Texas Crude", "Even More Texas Crude"... that an old boyfriend introduced me to. Some were very funny, some just VERY crude. But I found a fair number that I heard growing up in rural Idaho, so they definitely get around.

I also love Southernisms--
"Carry me up to the store." -- Give me a ride to the store.
"Give me a little, sugah, honey." -- Give me a kiss.
"She mayshed a bump on her face." She squeezed a pimple.
"What are y'all doing?" -- What are you doing?
"What are all y'all doing? -- What is everyone doing?

I'm glad to see this thread revived--thanks for the laughs!

timid1
05-16-2012, 11:19 AM
Sharp as a bowling ball

Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree

TreacherousCretin
05-16-2012, 12:22 PM
Older than God's parents.

Enright3
05-16-2012, 12:32 PM
Uglier than homemade soap

rhythmonly
05-16-2012, 01:15 PM
Courtesy of my Grandfather:

Make a Maggot jump off a Gut Wagon - used for something gross.

She took out her Tits and Tittered - used after hearing a woman laugh.

The Bull Gear jumped the Heifer Shaft - used when something broke down.

Busier than a One Legged Man in an Ass Kicking Contest - used when busy.

dnutts
01-14-2014, 02:46 PM
"SHE WAS SWEATING LIKE A BLIND LESBIAN IN A FISH SHOP"

"Happier than a fag in Boystown"

-----just a saying that may not quite fall under this category but hey...

METH....DRIVING DOWN THE PRICE OF BLOW JOBS FOR YEARS!

ThelmaLou
01-14-2014, 03:16 PM
Lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut.

Slicker than greased owl shit.

Cute as a speckled pup in a red wagon under a Christmas tree.

purplehorseshoe
01-14-2014, 05:05 PM
Uglier than homemade soap

I totally mis-read this as "uglier than homemade soup" and had a whiskey-tango-foxtrot moment there.

stosh
01-14-2014, 10:48 PM
He couldn't scratch his ass with a wildcat in each hand.

erysichthon
01-15-2014, 01:50 AM
"People in hell want ice water, too."
(Said in response to an unreasonable or impossible-to-fill request.)

svd678
01-16-2014, 05:24 PM
Raining pitchforks and hammer handles, or cats and dogs. Homelier than Adam's off ox. Complicated directions: all around Robin Hood's barn. Helpless as a hog on ice. Madder than a wet hen.

saje
01-16-2014, 05:52 PM
Deader'n a three time zombie.

stui magpie
01-16-2014, 09:36 PM
Zombie Shombie.


Someone with few morals is "lower than shark shit"

Mad as a meat axe

Useful as an ashtray on a motor bike (or tits on a bull)

Ugly as a hat full of arseholes

(Ugly person has....) A head like a dropped pie (or a bashed crab)

Someone who was extremely promiscuous and not at all fussy would "fuck a black snake with a festered arse"

A lazy person "wouldn't work in an iron lung" or was "too lazy to get out of bed to take a shit"

Dumb as dog shit

so cold it would "freeze the balls off a brass monkey"

Busy as a 1 armed paper hanger (or a one legged man in an arse kicking contest) would mean you are "flat out like a lizard drinking"

I'll put in some more if I remember them

Fear Itself
01-16-2014, 09:40 PM
He's so cheap, he'd climb over a gate to save wear and tear on the hinges.

Ponch8
01-16-2014, 09:44 PM
Check out this long list. They were all said by Dan Rather on election nights.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blratherisms.htm

JKellyMap
01-17-2014, 06:02 PM
Check out this long list. They were all said by Dan Rather on election nights.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blratherisms.htm

Fantastic, thanks.

Among the gems is this:

"...they beat him like a rented mule."

Sterling Archer
01-17-2014, 06:33 PM
"Two fries short of a happy meal"

And one I think I read here:

'Bout as organized as two dogs humping a styrofoam cooler.

Backwater Under_Duck
01-17-2014, 08:41 PM
In a recent book on Bill Clinton, Clinton was quoted as once saying, about Obama, "He's luckier than a dog with two dicks."

Johanna
01-17-2014, 09:15 PM
I'll be on you like white on rice.

I hear this one a lot. But... what about brown rice? :confused:

Bridget Burke
01-17-2014, 09:15 PM
Crazy as a rat on acid.

Variant of one previously mentioned: One taco shy of a combination plate.

Eliahna
01-18-2014, 08:24 AM
As flash as a rat with a gold tooth.

LeeroyJenkins
01-14-2015, 02:18 AM
That boy hasn't got the sense god gave dust
I'm as hot as fish oil
Happy as a fox eating shit out of a hair brush
Crazy as a shit house rat, or crazier then 2 mother fuckers

Fear Itself
01-14-2015, 05:02 AM
Molly Ivins once described Arnold Schwarzenegger as having "a head like a condom full of walnuts".

Kobal2
01-14-2015, 05:44 AM
Gaudier than the door of a whorehouse.
Couldn't find his way out of a wet paper bag with a bayonet.
Couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight
Nuttier 'n squirrel shit.
You're as helpful as a chocolate hammer, you know that ?
Happier than a dog with two tails

BobLibDem
01-14-2015, 07:48 AM
Hotter than a two-peckered billygoat.

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with an itchy back.

As dark as your pocket.

LSLGuy
01-14-2015, 10:02 AM
Live'r than a 13 year old zombie oughta be.

Son of a Rich
01-14-2015, 10:08 AM
That boy- I say- that boy's about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.

stillownedbysetters
01-14-2015, 10:23 AM
This gem came from an oil patch roughneck from Loozeeanna:

"She's been passed around more than a $5 hooker on a Saturday night"

My grandmother asked this question about a woman wearing some outstandingly ugly, large, jewelry:

"Where did she find those knick knacks and turkey turds?"

And this gem from a pal of my granddad's:

"Y'all is as nervous as a n_____ in a bed sheet factory"

mind the gap
01-14-2015, 10:30 AM
For a crappy mechanic: "He could break a crowbar in a sandbox and loose one of the pieces. "
"Hotter'n two mice in a wool sock."
"Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
How about "More lives than a SDMB zombie thread?":D

Becky2844
01-14-2015, 11:26 AM
mean as a stripe-ed snake
tighter than Dick's hatband (cheap)
got his back up (angry---like a cat)
(dinner was) not enough to fill a hollow tooth
get off you high horse (think you're better than...)
look like you've been dragged through a knothole
bow up and whoa (stop---like pulling hard on the reins causing the horse to bow up his back in order to stop quickly)

cochrane
01-14-2015, 12:37 PM
He can pinch a penny so tight he can make Lincoln holler.

Sattua
01-14-2015, 01:11 PM
Slicker than deer guts on the front porch.

The Holdsworth Effect
01-15-2015, 07:30 AM
He's so horny he'd fuck a woodpile if he thought there was a snake in it

So ugly would drive a dog off a gut wagon, or stop a clock

When there are kids around- it's as cold as the brass on a bald monkey

Thy are so poor they have to squeeze nickels 'til the buffalo shits

I can stretch dollars 'til George grins

When obesity was less common- casts a lotta shade in the summer, warm in the winter

It's raining cats and dogs and there are poodles in the street

That field's too thick to drink and too thin to plow

Gaudier than a Portagee fishing boat

Done up Newfie style (not a compliment from the US)

Newfie comment about summer barbecues - yous is weird, ya cooks outside and shits inside (where this guy was from, outhouses were still common as the frost line was lower than bedrock, and in winter, well, you went to the pit privy)

Uglier that a tipped over shithouse

Built like a brick shithouse

Happier than a pig in shit

You're digging yourself wider and deeper

KRC
01-15-2015, 08:22 AM
Nervous as the witch at the auto de fe. Used that a few times in college.

kopek
01-15-2015, 09:52 AM
Slicker than snake shit and deeper than whale shit.

Shodan
01-15-2015, 02:17 PM
Don't know him from Adam's off ox.
Regards,
Shodan

marshmallow
01-16-2015, 01:31 AM
(someone is hurt or complaining) Just rub some dirt on it and walk it off.
It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
If he were twice as smart, he would be a half-wit.
So confused he don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his behind.
(same difference) Six of one, half dozen of another.
(stupid idea / you're lying) That dog won't hunt.
(surprise) Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
Slap my ass and call me Sally.
The ass crack of dawn.
(admiration of testicular fortitude) You got some serious onions.

Dendarii Dame
01-16-2015, 10:14 AM
Can't never could do nothing.

Chefguy
01-16-2015, 10:43 AM
I feel like a sack full of assholes, with the good ones picked out.

Dumb as an anvil.

Bright as a penny.

Fine as paint.

So dumb that he thinks the Mexican border pays rent.

So dumb he thinks Wade Boggs is how you get across the river.

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