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RoboDude
03-20-2000, 08:52 PM
Does anyone know of any web pages with tasteless limericks? I haven't heard many, and I feel deprived.

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Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think.

SingleDad
03-21-2000, 12:44 AM
No links but a couple of good books:

"Asimov Laughs Again: More Than 700 Favorite Jokes, Limericks, and Anecdotes", Isaac Asimov, ISBN: 0060924489.

"Limericks: Too Gross/or Two Dozen Dirty Dozen Stanzas", Isaac Asmov, ISBN: 0393045307.

Sue Duhnym
03-21-2000, 01:07 AM
Quoted from, The Limerick, edited by G. Legman:

Nyphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.

There was a young man of Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay,
But the heat of his prick
Turned it into a brick,
And chafed all his foreskin away.

1700 of them.


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A woman needs four animals in her life: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
---Zsa Zsa Gabor

Weirddave
03-21-2000, 12:04 PM
My favorite, naturaly:

There was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,
She smelled just like shit,
And was missing a tit,
But think of the money he'll save!


------------------
Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it.

Vestal Blue
03-21-2000, 12:16 PM
Dave, you sick puppy.

There was a young man from Kent,
Whos' dick was so long that it bent.
So to save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.

There was a plumber named lee,
who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
she said "stop your plumbing,
there's somebody coming".
Said the plumber still plumbing "it's me!"

------------------
VB

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

Green Bean
03-21-2000, 12:32 PM
All right, How many dirty versions of this limerick do you know? This is the clean version:

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter named Nan,
Ran off with a man.
And as for the bucket they took it.

ThisYearsGirl
03-21-2000, 03:38 PM
There once was a man from Nantucket
with a dick so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
as he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a pussy, I'd fuck it!"

Max Torque
03-21-2000, 04:39 PM
One of my favorites:

There was a young couple named Kelly
Who lived their lives belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

You see,
the limerick is furtive and mean.
You must keep her in close quarantine,
else she sinks to the slums
and promptly becomes
disorderly, drunk, and obscene.

JBENZ
03-21-2000, 04:47 PM
The modern cinematic emporium,
Is not just a simple sensorium,
But a highly effectual,
heterosexual,
Mutual masturbatorium.

(Published in Playboy shortly after the last Ice Age.)




------------------
JB
Lex Non Favet Delicatorum Votis

Biggirl
03-21-2000, 04:49 PM
There once was a boy from Alas
Whose balls were constructed of brass
When he clanked them together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning came out of his ass

------------------

Teacher, my red crayon tastes funny -- Ralph Wiggum

UncleBeer
03-21-2000, 05:09 PM
Here's a sample from this ( http://loogy.com/mainhumor/dirty/dlimericks.shtml) page.

The naughty old bishop of Birmingham
buggered two boys whilst confirming 'em
as the knelt before god
he pulled out his rod
and pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em.

Here's another page with alphabetical links to hundreds (http://bruichladdich.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/OldLimericksDir/Limericks.html) of limericks.

Here's the homepage to the (yes, this is true) limerick special interest group of MENSA ( http://limericks.org/pentatette/reply.html).

UncleBeer
03-21-2000, 05:11 PM
UBB foils me again. And the damned flood control.

Shagrath Borgir
03-21-2000, 05:23 PM
Originally posted by Green Bean:
All right, How many dirty versions of this limerick do you know? This is the clean version:

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter named Nan,
Ran off with a man.
And as for the bucket they took it.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who's dick was so long he could suck it,
He ran down the street,
Dragging his meat,
He carried his balls a in bucket


There you go :D

------------------
"...the dark side of the mirror always threw our malice back..."

Shagrath Borgir
03-21-2000, 05:26 PM
Originally posted by weirddave:
There was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,
She smelled just like shit,
And was missing a tit,
But think of the money he'll save!


This is the funniest damn thing i've heard in a long time! Now if you'll excuse me, i've got some answering machines to leave this little gem on... ;)

------------------
"...the dark side of the mirror always threw our malice back..."

Weirddave
03-21-2000, 06:12 PM
Dave, you sick puppy. Why, thank you, VB. :) If you think that's bad, how about this gem?

There was a young man from Rangoon,
Who was born nine months too soon.
He had not the luck,
To be born of a fuck,
He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.

------------------
Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it.

Buck Naked
03-21-2000, 06:49 PM
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pig shit and snot
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat

The nastiest by far!!!

------------------
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

Johnny Angel
03-21-2000, 07:05 PM
An amorous sailor of Brighton
Said to his girl, "You're a tight one!"
She said, "'pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole,
And there's plenty of room in the right one!"

DoctorJ
03-21-2000, 07:36 PM
There once was a lass from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
It was not what you think,
Soft and rounded and pink,
But was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.

Dr. J

------------------
"Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want!" -Dr. Nick Riviera

Max Torque
03-21-2000, 08:21 PM
Not dirty, but I know this crowd'll appreciate it:

A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Is nine squared plus zero, no more.

Boris B
03-21-2000, 08:23 PM
Help me out with the one I can never remember, from the movie The Magic Christian:

There was a young lady from Exeter
And all the young men threw their sex at her

and then "nude" is rhymed with "rude".

Billdo
03-21-2000, 08:27 PM
OK guys, help me out here, too. Ever since someone posted the concave up or down thread in GQ, I've been thinking of a dirty limerick that I only remember part of. It has to do with a sexual aid.

The couplet in the middle was:

????
????
concave or convex
it could fit either sex
????

Thanks.

ProudAmerican
03-22-2000, 07:32 AM
I dunno.
My fave was always:

There once was a fellow from Tripoli
Who liked to make love rather nippily.
Complained one young lass
While rubbing her ass:
"Less teethily, please, and more lippily!"

Toymaker
03-22-2000, 08:49 AM
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Spreading her legs so wide.
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her,
Took one whiff and died!


There once was an infamous hall,
Where there was no gravity at all.
What a glorious feeling
To screw on the ceiling,
And to ball on the wall and not fall!"

Chef Troy
03-22-2000, 10:05 AM
Originally posted by Billdo:
OK guys, help me out here, too. Ever since someone posted the concave up or down thread in GQ, I've been thinking of a dirty limerick that I only remember part of. It has to do with a sexual aid.

The couplet in the middle was:

????
????
concave or convex
it could fit either sex
????

Thanks.

There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex
It could fit either sex
With attachments for those in between.

------------------
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef

Chef Troy
03-22-2000, 10:08 AM
A sperm faced his moment of truth,
But alas and alack and forsooth!
He'd expected to fall
On a womb's spongy wall
But was dashed to his death on a tooth.



------------------
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef

cmkeller
03-22-2000, 10:24 AM
A title for this thread (from Reader's Digest, IIRC):

A lim'rick packs laughs anatomical
In a package that's quite economical
The good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

------------------
Chaim Mattis Keller
[email protected]

"Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the
impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be
the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible.
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks."
-- Douglas Adams's Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective

TwistofFate
03-22-2000, 11:19 AM
How about filthy limericks about the SDMB regs?

A man from the Emerald Isle,
the LAdies he liked by the pile,
the thoughts in his head,
seldom he said,
for they were incredibly vile.


pretty lame eh? please do a better one!!

Green Bean
03-22-2000, 11:01 PM
A limerick for you Brits. Blame Edward Gorey.

From Number 10 Penwiper Mews,
Comes most abominable news.
They've discovered a head,
In the box for the bread,
But nobody seems to know whose!

Sealemon88
03-22-2000, 11:16 PM
There once was a guy named Lew
Whose girlfriend told him "We're through!"
But without a sound
she soon came around,
Cause she liked the taste of his goo!

You're welcome.

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You say "cheesy" like that's a BAD thing.

Ophanim
03-22-2000, 11:28 PM
There once was a vampire named Mabel
Who's periods were very unstable
One night by the moon
She pulled out a spoon
And drank herself under the table.

That's a pretty one.

------------------
Where's my side of FUN!?

Kisses!
Ophy

AuntiePam
03-24-2000, 10:44 PM
My friend from Seattle wrote these. If you like puns, poop and necrophilia, you might like them. (An epitaph thrown in too.)

There once was a beautiful collie
The family initially named Polly.
When the pooch rolled over
They renamed it Rover
As Polly was awfully bally.

Of the wives of King Henry 'tis said
They all were disastrous in bed.
But the King wasn't blue
For his regalness knew
In the end they would give him head.

Heard about the grave of Kate?
She gave her all on every date
So this was written on her slate,
"Dig me up -- it's not too late."

The diggers who bought the whole town out
of shovels weren't able to drown out
the barks of the poopers
who absent their scoopers
had caused a magnificent brown-out.

His fiancee, befuddled and frantic,
at midsea, on the steamer Titanic,
as they plummeted seaward
he shouted from leeward
"The sunset is so necromantic!"

Gaudere
03-25-2000, 12:03 AM
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

Irishman
03-25-2000, 01:31 AM
There was a young lad from St. Lou
who gave his dear sister a screw.
He said, with aplomb,
"You're better than mom!"
She said, "That's what dad told me, too."

Huemr
03-25-2000, 01:39 AM
There once was a young man from Peru
Who went sailing in his canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He pounded his penus
and woke up with a hand full of goo

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