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View Full Version : Phone greetings to mess with people


altiod
03-07-2004, 03:07 PM
I've been having fun answering the phone at work lately, when I know its a co-worker calling. Some things I say when I pick up the phone are:

City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
(a classic)

Nihilist Hotline, the following is meaningless...

Bestiality sex talk, woof!

Hoover Dam, woosh, aaaiiggh.

Dick Cheney's undisclosed location (city name), whoops!

You have reached the offices of your worst nightmare, please hold.
(Tick reference)

Crisis Hotline; aiiiigghheee, yooowwcch, ack!



Have any more to add?

MsRobyn
03-07-2004, 03:23 PM
Suicide hotline, please hold...

Robin

if6was9
03-07-2004, 03:25 PM
In a seriously muffled voice......


Hello! White House. Monica speaking.

ParentalAdvisory
03-07-2004, 03:49 PM
"...this is Dave, you got the stuff?"

emekthian
03-07-2004, 04:01 PM
Aaarrrgh! I've been guillotined!

HDS
03-07-2004, 04:49 PM
*really really perky voice* Dr. Lecter's office!

grisham
03-07-2004, 04:56 PM
I am amazed no one has used the classic Roadkill Cafe you kill it we grill it.


or just pick a local bar in your area and whenever anyone calls answer using its name. Joe's bar . Lakeview bar. then listen to your friends apologize to the bar. Great stuff.

Doomtrain
03-07-2004, 06:00 PM
"Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles."

Scarlett67
03-07-2004, 06:17 PM
My mom and I use this one with each other:

When you are the caller:
"Have I reached the party to whom I am speaking?"

(Borrowed from Lily Tomlin's Ernestine the telephone operator, I believe)

Santos L Halper
03-07-2004, 06:18 PM
Duffy's Tavern where the elite meet to eat. Archie da manager speakin' Duffy ain't here...

Larry Mudd
03-07-2004, 07:05 PM
Diamond Detective Agency -- if you've got a corpse lying around, why not trade it in for something useful?

daniel801
03-07-2004, 07:15 PM
We're closed for the day, please hold...

BrotherCadfael
03-07-2004, 07:35 PM
"Joe's Abortion Shop, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us..."

(This was popular in my high school, just after Roe v. Wade.)

Jayn_Newell
03-07-2004, 07:37 PM
Jake's Taxidermy, you bag 'em we stuff 'em

rowrrbazzle
03-07-2004, 07:46 PM
lotsa material here: http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?t=145459

Sublight
03-07-2004, 07:52 PM
L.A. Story has one of my favorites, but you'll need a beeper of some sort.

Hello, this is xxxx. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep. *beep*

Rick
03-07-2004, 09:19 PM
altoid's desk, this is the top drawer speaking.

D.E.S.K.Top668
03-07-2004, 09:43 PM
Henry's House o' Hos, where the customer comes first.
Catholic Hotline. Do you want The Father, Son, or Holy Ghost?

LurkMeister
03-07-2004, 11:12 PM
"Our Lady of Angels Seminary. Our Lady is not available. Would you like to speak to one of the Angels?"

SnoopyFan
03-07-2004, 11:41 PM
(Answering machine message)

*machine picks up*

Hello?
(Pause)
Oh HI! How are you?
(Another pause)
We can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name, etc.

It's hilarious when you're at home and the machine picks up and your friends fall for it :)

Trigonal Planar
03-07-2004, 11:55 PM
"Hello, this is the Office of Wrong Numbers. It seems you have dialed the wrong number. If you have dialed the wrong number, please press 1 now. If you have not, please stay on the line"

I forget where I heard this but it crackes me up everytime I hear it :D

Trigonal Planar
03-08-2004, 12:00 AM
"Hello, this is the Office of Wrong Numbers. It seems you have dialed the wrong number. If you have dialed the wrong number, please press 1 now. If you have not, please stay on the line"

I forget where I heard this but it crackes me up everytime I hear it :D

Fish
03-08-2004, 12:06 AM
Once when I picked up the phone I simply answered "Orange County." (Note that my location is not in California.)

It was my boss from work, calling to ask if I could come in early. Instead, he fumbled to a halt and apologized for calling the wrong number.

He called back a few minutes later, and seemed puzzled. :)

Chimera
03-08-2004, 12:06 AM
"Hi, this is Chimera. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now, but I'm out saving Evil from the forces of the Universe..."

LorieSmurf
03-08-2004, 12:22 AM
My mom told me that when she was a teenager, her father would answer the phone "Maud's Mule Barn! Head ass speakin'!" It would embarrass her to no end, because inevitably it would be a friend of hers calling.

Bag of Mostly Water
03-08-2004, 12:25 AM
I am sorry. The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please multiply by i and dial again.

Time Like Tears
03-08-2004, 04:24 AM
Working third shifts at Waffle House, sometimes you need a little pick-me-up in the boredom. Apparantly, so do our lovely friends out there in phone land. There are people who are fond of prank calling the Waffle House at 3am, and when we didn't just take the phone off the hook completely, we would answer a different way every time.

"Mike's Meat Shop, we beat it, you eat it!"

(in a super sexy voice)
"Hi there, cowboy. Looks like you're about to take the ride of your life! All we hot, horny Holsteins need is your Visa, Mastercard..."

"Waffle House! Is this the heavy breather?"

This backfired on us one night when we'd received a lot of pranks, taken the phone off the hook, and it rang as soon as we hooked it up again.

(redneck voice)
"Wait a minnut! Is this tha thang you tawk intuh? HELLO??? (pushing buttons) Durnflabbit, tharnt nobody on tha line. HELLO???"

It was the district manager.

Seven
03-08-2004, 04:27 AM
Off topic a slight bit, but my answering machine message used to be a busy signal.

Ring-ring Ring-ring (clicky) EEEGH-EEEGH-EEEGH-EEEGH (clicky) BEEEEEEEP

I also had my girlfriend put this on the machine once.

"We're sorry but you've dialed the right number. If you feel you've reached this number in error, please hang up and try again"

Nametag
03-08-2004, 11:43 AM
Once upon a time on my answering machine:

"I know what you're thinking: did it ring three times, or only two? But bein' this is a Message Minder 2000, the most powerful answering machine made, and it can blow your head clean off, you have to ask yourself one question: do I feel like leaving a message?

"Well, do ya, punk?"

I have also pretended to be dial-a-joke.

Bumbazine
03-08-2004, 12:16 PM
My mom and I use this one with each other:

When you are the caller:
"Have I reached the party to whom I am speaking?"

(Borrowed from Lily Tomlin's Ernestine the telephone operator, I believe)

When I dial the kids and my 6 year old granddaughter answers I like to use this one. She still thinks it's funny. Gotta love a kid like that.

I have occasionally answered; "Main gate, Saint Peter speaking." but my favorite is; "Forward torpedo room.".

People immediatly recogonize the first as a joke, but the latter seems to just confuse almost everybody.

detop
03-08-2004, 12:31 PM
In a Russian accent : "Lubyanka, da ?"

or sometimes I like to make them win prizes, such as : "Congratulationsyoujustwona onewaytriptoOkinawacourtesyofKamikazeairlines" (No, that's not a mistake, it is just the way to say it real fast son they don't have the time to reflect on what they won).

A former Jewish boss of mine used to answer the phone : "Adolph Hitler Jewish Memorial Hospital"

SCSimmons
03-08-2004, 02:48 PM
Context: Sitting in the room that was the social nexus at my college dorm. The girls whose room it was had a firm rule: anyone could answer their phone, as long as they didn't say anything boring like, "Hello."

I think I heard about half of the suggestions in this thread at one time or another, but I delivered one of my favorites there. Immediately on picking up the phone, in a gruff (and obviously male) voice:

"Admit it, you have no idea who I am."

Long pause ...

"Um ... is Tracey there?"

OK, I guess you had to be there ...

Stuffy
03-08-2004, 03:03 PM
I stole this shamelessly from Calvin and Hobbes, but it cracks me up everytime I use it.

When you answer the phone instead of saying 'hello' say: "Yes I'd like to order a large combo pizza"

The will be a confused pause at this point. Followed by "Uh this isn't a pizza place".

Then you say "Oh I'm sorry you must have dialed the wrong number."

It's even funnier when you realize how long it takes for some people to call back.

Silver Serpentine
03-08-2004, 04:19 PM
One a friend of mine always used, and I want to, but I never have the cajones to.

"Wet Jimmy's Gourmet Assmeats. Be this pickup or delivery?"

Stolen from Jhonen Vasquez.

Ponder Stibbons
03-08-2004, 04:47 PM
Very good, very good jokes all. However, I am going to have to declare a winner:
I am sorry. The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please multiply by i and dial again.
The thought of someone sitting by their telephone trying to figure out how to multiply the number by i is just the funniest thing I've heard in weeks!!

BurnMeUp
03-08-2004, 05:45 PM
i usually just answer the phone by saying "Bacon" in a cheery way, the same way you mi8ght say "Hello!"

I find it throws people off.

TheOnlySaneOne
03-08-2004, 05:45 PM
My favorite has to be "Jesus Hotline, how may I may save you?"

bookbuster
03-09-2004, 02:54 AM
"Admit it, you have no idea who I am."

Long pause ...

"Um ... is Tracey there?"


muhaha, that is sweet.



This thread inspired me to change my answering machine message to:

"Hi, you have reached Bookbuster, leave your credit card number after the beep."

Fish
03-09-2004, 03:48 AM
Oh, if we include answering machines, then I had some weird ones. Still do, in fact.

Previous answering machine message: "Hello. This is Fish and Fish's Roommate. We are not home. Please leave a message. We will call you back." (Then the same message in German.)

Current answering machine: "Hello. This is Fish and Fish's Roommate. We are not home. Please leave a message. We will call you back." (Then the same message in Spanish, except instead of "we will call you back" I say "this is a test" to see if anybody recognizes the Spanish.)

Next answering machine: "Hello. This is Fish and Fish's Roommate. We are not home. Please leave a message. We will call you back." (Then some nonsense in French: "The chicken is staring at me. I think I am made of soap. Without bats, the mayonnaise does not prosper." Unfortunately, I'll need to find a way to translate this.)

Also done previously: "Hello. This is Fish. I am not in. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep. And now, the same message in Mok, for the benefit of my friends who speak Mok. Gnaar rawwr ghargghh raahhg gnyar mmnngaaahhr graaaa." (At that point I begin making noises like Ookla the Mok from "Thundarr the Barbarian.")

And the most annoying one:
(sound of phone ringing)
Ernie: "Let's count how many time the phone rings, Cookie Monster."
Cookie: "Okay, Ernie, okay."
(sound of phone ringing)
Ernie: "That's two."
Cookie: "Two is good."
(sound of phone ringing)
Ernie: "That's three rings, Cookie Monster!"
Cookie: "It boggles the mind."
(sound of phone ringing and message machine picking up with dull message)
Ernie: "And four rings! Isn't that amazing, Cookie Monster?"
Cookie: "You so smart, Ernie."

I did the voices myself. That was a blast.

Flutterby
03-09-2004, 06:50 AM
I don't usually answer the phones weird, but when I had a cell I loved to make up odd things.

My fave was: You've reached Flutterby's advice line. Today's advice is [insert odd piece of advice]

I used such gems as don't eat yellow snow, do not anger dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.. etc. This would change weekly.

After the dragon one my friends suggested one of them make the recording and say "This is Flutterby's phone, she isn't available right now as she never took her own advice and was eaten by a dragon. She'll get back to you when she is reincarnated."

Ah such fun..

bat312
03-09-2004, 07:38 AM
(Steel drums) Thank you for calling Carnival Cruise Lines. There has never been a better time for a luxurious vacation to beautiful Haiti. Discounted travel executions are now available. Pay no attention to the truth less rumors of unrest, there has never been a better time for a luxurious vacation in beautiful Haiti… :D

unclviny
03-09-2004, 08:12 AM
Used ONLY for prank calls from kids!!!!
The 3rd time they call I say "911, what's your emergency", it works because they think I forwarded the call.

Unclviny

Jimson Jim
03-09-2004, 08:29 AM
I use this in the evening when I answer the phone and get that pause just before the telemarketer comes on....

Delivered in my best NCO voice.....
"Bravo Battery 5th Battalion, 28th Feild Artillery, Sgt. Jimson speaking how may I help you sir or mam."

Not very original I know, but exceptionally effective. (I'm sure someone will point out it's likely not entirely legal impersonating a military base and all. But if anyone is supid enough to confuse my split level home in Ohio with Ft. Sill OK that's their problem.)

Scuba_Ben
03-09-2004, 12:01 PM
Back in college, a friend's answering machine message was:

"This is the (college town) Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. Please leave your name, number, and desired target location. We will return your call shortly after the missiles have launched. Have a nice day. BEEEEEP."

It was funny the first time or two, then it was simply long.

At about the same time I was using the schtick SnoopyFan posted.

zig
03-09-2004, 12:35 PM
When you answer the phone hold a large cup up to your mouth to get an echo effect: “Welcome to Mc Donald’s, may I take your order.”

(Change out fast food restaurants and greetings as necessary)

End conversation by asking the caller to pull forward to the window.

Horkus_Boy
03-09-2004, 01:47 PM
This is only funny if both parties have seen Fight Club.

You: "Maintenance 1888."

Them: "Uh...".

You: "It's under control, sir."

Them: "What?"

You: "Don't worry about us, sir. We're solid."

RalfCoder
03-09-2004, 04:31 PM
I had a roommate in college who loved this sort of stuff. One of his favorites was, "Student Affairs: want one?".

Others: "Bob's cookie jar - what crumb do you want?", and "County Morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em".

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