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View Full Version : What's the most absurd character you can generate using D&D 3rd-edition rules?


Hamish
04-22-2004, 11:41 PM
Okay, so after a 7-year hiatus from DMing, I've just started running my first 3rd-edition campaign.

I have to say I really like the new rules, though combat is still very confusing.

What really stunned me, though, was the incredible flexibility of character creation. I love that they finally got rid of that silly only-certain-classes-can-be-certain-races rule, and love that there are standardized rules for bringing in other species.

But I got to wondering, what is the strangest character an imaginative player with an easygoing DM could create?

My entry, for the list, off the top of my head: an Oozemaster-prestige-class, former-Paladin shocker lizard that had retained its Paladin powers.

Technically, nothing prevents this. Since "unicorn" is listed as an example under Table 2-4: Monsters as Races in the DMG, I'm guessing another magical beast -- even closer to humanoid -- would be allowed.

Shocker lizards are "usually neutral," but possessing the rudiments of intelligence, they are free to have an alignment, including Lawful Good. Nothing about shocker lizards prevents them from following the Paladin's code of conduct.

Changing to a prestige class means our lizard can never again progress as a Paladin, but nothing about an Oozemaster (outlined in the Masters of the Wild) requires the creature to violate its code of conduct -- so it gets to keep all its abilities. The Paladin's divine spells qualify our lizard for the job as soon as he reaches 11th level.

Of course, a player would have to be crazy to play a semi-liquid lizard fighting for truth and justice. But the absurd is the point of this thread.

Can anyone come up with anything sillier, that would be, technically, allowed?

Taran
04-23-2004, 01:56 AM
The good people of this board (http://boards1.wizards.com/forumdisplay.php?forumid=339) have character builds that will curl your hair. They tend more towards power than peculiarity, but the book Savage Species, which goes into depth on "monster" characters, includes rules for things like multiheaded characters and anthropomorphic creatures.

It can get pretty wild. I've wanted to play my Anthropomorphic Bat Druid/Verdant Lord for some time, but for some reason, no DM wants to allow it. :confused: ;)

So anyway, post your query there.

PS: As written, Shocker Lizards aren't smart enough to have classes. However, if your Shocker Lizard was Awakened by a druid, or used to be a Wizard's familiar, then you're good to go.

Chronos
04-23-2004, 05:01 PM
I've always thought that there was a lot of potential in the druid's reincarnate spell, too. You can take a formerly humanoid character, permanently turn him into an intelligent, talking animal (with bonuses to physical stats), and still have him retain all of his class abilities. The spell description warns that it might not be feasible to continue advancement in the same character class, but it's not explicitly forbidden. And you could perfectly well have a grizzly bear barbarian, or a ferret rogue. Or even a spellcaster, if he's got a lot of non-somatic spells or the still spell feat.

Another spell with a lot of potential is Shapechange. You gain all of the creature's extraordinary abilities... And almost all of the Tarrasque's abilities are extraordinary. Except nobody would ever change to a Tarrasque... You'd change to a Tarrasque half-dragon hybrid, as according to the rules in the appendix to the Monster Manual. All the abilities of the Big T, plus limited flight, a breath weapon, boosts to physical stats, and immunity to your choice of cold or acid (the Tarrasque's only real weaknesses)

Hamish
04-23-2004, 06:18 PM
The good people of this board (http://boards1.wizards.com/forumdisplay.php?forumid=339) have character builds that will curl your hair.

Thanks. And if I wasn't already at my limit for players, I'd let you play that druid, so long as you could come up with a believable background, were good at roleplaying the unusual role, and were prepared to deal with a lot of nasty stuff for ignorant townsfolk.

PS: As written, Shocker Lizards aren't smart enough to have classes. However, if your Shocker Lizard was Awakened by a druid, or used to be a Wizard's familiar, then you're good to go.

:confused: Int 5 isn't high enough for a character? Granted I'm new to 3rd-edtion, but I've DMed players with characters whose intelligences were that low. They're usually fighters, not paladins, but still.

Bryan Ekers
04-23-2004, 06:24 PM
The Chaotic Good Republican.

tracer
04-23-2004, 06:42 PM
Granted I'm new to 3rd-edtion,
3rd Edition, or 3.5th Edition?

Hamish
04-23-2004, 06:47 PM
3rd Edition, or 3.5th Edition?

All my materials are 3rd. I bought it as soon as it came out, and I'm only getting around to using it now. I'm a little vague on the changes.

But hey, if you want to throw in something from 3.5, go right ahead. :)

XT
04-23-2004, 06:48 PM
I always could seriously exploite the psyonisist (prolly spelled that wrong). They have a lot of powers if you read through carefully that can be used to do all kinds of cool things. Very unbalanced, at least as I used to play it.

-XT (jr)

Chronos
04-23-2004, 08:11 PM
Oh, the second edition psionics were definitely unbalancing. Use Split Personality. In one of the halves, use Split Personality again. Use the first half to do Psychic Surgery on the second (and third) half, to make the second Split Personality permanent. You now permanently have two fully-functioning independent minds. Repeat, and it's even easier, since you can use your permanent split as the first one. Eventually, you get to the point where you can fight two-handed without penalty, cast a non-somatic spell, and use a handful of different psionic abilities, all simultaneously. Maybe dual-class differently, in the different minds. All of your minds, of course, are setting up a communal defense, so a psionic attack would need to get through all of them to reach you, and you can attack at six or eight "fingers" at once, instead of just two.

But I hadn't heard that psionics have been introduced into Third Edition, except as a meaningless label for the spell-like abilities of some monsters. Anyone have more info?

Miller
04-23-2004, 08:15 PM
But I hadn't heard that psionics have been introduced into Third Edition, except as a meaningless label for the spell-like abilities of some monsters. Anyone have more info?

They came out three years ago, in a seperate book called The Psionics Handbook. Not bad, some cool prestige classes, but to date I haven't got much use out of it. I understand they're doing a fairly major re-working for 3.5, though.

Ranchoth
04-23-2004, 08:30 PM
Any chance you could build a character who's a "construct"? Like a golem, or a clockwork robot, or something?

belladonna
04-23-2004, 08:50 PM
But hey, if you want to throw in something from 3.5, go right ahead. :)
The best thing I've found in the v3.5 is that they clarified a lot of the combat rules, flanking especially, which seemed like it always became an argument when we were using 3.

And I don't see why you couldn't play a golem. The monster manual has all the rules for constructing them, but I think they're all immune to spellcasting so you'd have to figure out a way to make them intelligent.

hmmm.....

off to dig up her books.....!

Taran
04-23-2004, 09:02 PM
confused: Int 5 isn't high enough for a character? Granted I'm new to 3rd-edtion, but I've DMed players with characters whose intelligences were that low. They're usually fighters, not paladins, but still. A cogent point. Still, Shocker Lizards can be Druidic animal companions, and it's profoundly strange to me to think that anything sentient would agree to be an animal companion (the Wizard/familiar relationship is...different).

TPWombat
04-23-2004, 09:08 PM
Oddest one I ever heard of was a were-salmon..
Don't know what game system it was tho', or how much fun the character was to play.

Balance
04-23-2004, 09:10 PM
I don't recall anything that would specifically prevent you from playing a construct character, Ranchoth. If I were DMing, I'd put some extra obstacles to the character gaining ability points as it gained levels, but that's just me.

As to silliness, well, you can always build off an already silly character. Let's take the shocker lizard Hamish came up with. We'll have to make him a cleric instead of a paladin for this, to get around the paladin's immunity to disease. A 12 Wisdom can make a viable cleric. Further, he's a cleric of the mighty deity Par-Kay, Lord of Substances that Vaguely Resemble Butter. As a mark of devotion, it ritually paints itself yellow. At some point in its career, it gets bitten by a wererat and contracts lycanthropy.

So, once it takes the Oozemaster prestige class (assuming clerics are eligible--I haven't read the class) now we have a yellow, semi-liquid (I'm picturing a sort of blob of butter appearance), electric lizard-rat priest that talks to slime molds. To add insult to injury, we can name it "Pikachu". It's all a question of how lenient the DM feels like being. I might allow such a character, just for the sheer audacity of it.

Psionics--
The imbalance I found with the 3rd edition psionics was mainly in front-loading. If you start with a human psion or psychic warrior, you get access to the psionic feats, some of which are seriously potent.

Lumpy
04-23-2004, 09:12 PM
This may have been done before, but could you take a person who's been petrified (as in saw a gorgon) and reanimate them as a living stone statue, keeping their former identity and mental characteristics?

P.S. not exactly a character, but the most absurd situation I ever saw in a RPG (I don't remember if it was D&D) was that someone actually got a gorgon AND a basilisk in a hall of enchanted mirrors. After spending twenty minutes looking up tables, the DM announced that to prevent the entire universe from imploding, the gods erased that entire battle from history.

tracer
04-24-2004, 12:30 AM
Any chance you could build a character who's a "construct"? Like a golem, or a clockwork robot, or something?
If it'll make my character deal more damage and be tougher to kill, I'll take it. ;)

Munchkinism is underrated.

Triskadecamus
04-24-2004, 02:03 AM
I've always thought that there was a lot of potential in the druid's reincarnate spell, too.

yep.

My favorite was Kwai Chaing Underhill. Hobbit Grand Master Monk.

Tris

Ranchoth
04-24-2004, 03:03 AM
If it'll make my character deal more damage and be tougher to kill, I'll take it. ;)

Plus, you have the potential for all sorts of anachronistic Robocop and Terminator references. Or Bender (http://futuramasutra.de/images/fanmade/scans/bender-angry.jpg) references.

"Bite mine tarnished mithril arse, ye purple-hued maltworm!"

Hamish
04-24-2004, 08:58 AM
yep.

My favorite was Kwai Chaing Underhill. Hobbit Grand Master Monk.

Tris

Of course, now you can start the game with a halfling monk, because the class/race rules have been relaxed.

How about a unicorn monk?

While we're at it, I can't see anything that prevents mind flayer bards or grig barbarians. Nothing except common sense, of course, which I banished in the OP.

And Balance owes me a new keyboard for that pikachu thing. :)

(what domains would Par-Kay grant?)

I think the jury's still out on shocker lizards, though. After all, the description of awaken in the Player's Handbook mentions that awakened animals continue to serve as companions to druids, so it's possible that a sentient creature would also serve them.

FilmGeek
04-24-2004, 10:43 AM
If you have any questions about combat, flanking and grappling (ick) they are SO much better in 3.5.

You can email me at the address in my profile for specific questions. :)

Gadfly
04-24-2004, 11:08 AM
Alaghi. Alaghi, alaghi, alaghi. For those unfamiliar to this race, they're basically yeti. Now, they have some bad class restrictions, but they make up for it in a number of areas.

A properly rolled alaghi can have 20 strength.

With this 20 strength, and rolling 20's, he can do around 120 damage with his bare hands. At level one.

This actually happened - my DM didn't foresee the potentially unbalancing effect an alaghi would have, so he let me have one. I rolled 20 strength and 18 constitution.

So I got a druid who could crush every single villain in the campaign in a single blow.

capacitor
04-24-2004, 08:16 PM
If there are overpowered characters in the campaign, the DM will, in fact, has to counter them with intrigue, and make it sort of a Garik-like campaign.

Journeyman
04-25-2004, 06:27 AM
I consider the Hulking Hurler absurd.

Details found here (http://rpol.net/rpol/display.cgi?gi=668&gn=The+Exodus:+Epic+DnD+3.5&threadnum=208&date=1069788918). Essentially, it's a PrC that wasn't tested very thoroughly, and is horrifyingly abusable as a result.

It's also hilarious, at least to me.

Just Some Guy
04-25-2004, 10:35 AM
I consider the Hulking Hurler absurd.

Details found here (http://rpol.net/rpol/display.cgi?gi=668&gn=The+Exodus:+Epic+DnD+3.5&threadnum=208&date=1069788918). Essentially, it's a PrC that wasn't tested very thoroughly, and is horrifyingly abusable as a result.

It's also hilarious, at least to me.

You got to it before me, but that link doesn't begin to cover it. This link (http://boards1.wizards.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=142565&perpage=30) is much better since it goes into many more details. Just to sum up those pages, it wouldn't be that difficult in gameplay gets to the point that the character could do on average hundreds of millions of points of damage. No, that's not a typo.

Ludovic
04-25-2004, 03:27 PM
The best I can come up with off the top of my head is a Lizard-man monk. Their natural armor (IIRC +4) combined with 18 wisdom and dex will make the monk AC 22 AT FIRST LEVEL, WITHOUT MAGIC. I dont' recall off the top of my head if bracers of ACx apply to monks, but that would be a cheap way to get it even lower than that.

Similarly, a Lizard-man character in full plate and large shield is AC 25, without magic (with a +1 dex bonus), since armor stacks with natural armor. And that's before you give him a magical shield and mail...

Balance
04-25-2004, 03:54 PM
The best I can come up with off the top of my head is a Lizard-man monk. Their natural armor (IIRC +4) combined with 18 wisdom and dex will make the monk AC 22 AT FIRST LEVEL, WITHOUT MAGIC. I dont' recall off the top of my head if bracers of ACx apply to monks, but that would be a cheap way to get it even lower than that.

Similarly, a Lizard-man character in full plate and large shield is AC 25, without magic (with a +1 dex bonus), since armor stacks with natural armor. And that's before you give him a magical shield and mail...
Tcha. My human psion/sorcerer could reach AC 19 at first level with no spells or abilities, at least against one foe at a time (Inertial Armor + 18 Dex + Dodge). When he was prepped, he could hit 20 (Lesser Natural Armor), with part of each hit taken as subdual (I forget which ability did that, but it was a 0-level psion thing). It was all about protecting his pitiful little pool of hit points. He was 8th level when I dropped out of that campaign, and his stark-naked AC could range anywhere from 10 to 31, depending on the circumstances. It made combat math a pain.

Miller
04-25-2004, 05:39 PM
Er, how do you have a 1st level psion/monk? That's got to be at least a second level character by definition, no?

Miller
04-25-2004, 05:40 PM
Psion/sorceror, I meant, but the same question still applies.

Hamish
04-25-2004, 07:14 PM
You got to it before me, but that link doesn't begin to cover it. This link (http://boards1.wizards.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=142565&perpage=30) is much better since it goes into many more details. Just to sum up those pages, it wouldn't be that difficult in gameplay gets to the point that the character could do on average hundreds of millions of points of damage. No, that's not a typo.

:eek:

If any of my players even try it, I'm quitting throwing in the towel.

Balance
04-25-2004, 08:47 PM
Psion/sorceror, I meant, but the same question still applies.
He was psion-only for his first two levels, then sorcerer from there on out. Most of his later AC boosts came from arcane spells instead of his psionics. That's why I described him as a psion/sorc.

In more general terms, I think there's an optional rule that allows a dual-class 1st level character. The character is effectively 0-level in each class, so a psion/sorc built that way would only have access to cantrips and psion talents (0-level abilities), and not many of those. He'd still have standard feats and such for 1st level, though, so he could theoretically reach the same AC.

That hulking hurler build is one of the ugliest things I've ever seen.

Cosmosis
04-25-2004, 09:08 PM
Any chance you could build a character who's a "construct"? Like a golem, or a clockwork robot, or something?
Yes. In Savage Species there's an "Incarnate Construct" template, allowing any construct to become a living creature viable for a PC. You lose spell immunity, and you're stck with 3 Charisma, but it has a level adjustment of -2, meaning that an IC with three class levels would be acceptable in a party where everyone else is first-level.
I had an idea for a flesh golem character who beacame a wizard because of the mage head and brain used in his creation. You roll for Constitution and Intelligence normally, so there's nothing stopping you from having a golem wizard with 18 Int.

Ludovic
04-26-2004, 06:34 PM
Er, how do you have a 1st level psion/monk? That's got to be at least a second level character by definition, no?
In 3.0, at least, there are rules for split-class first level characters. Basically, you get half of each of the classes' abilities and spells (So instead of being 1st/1st, you are sort of "0.5 / 0.5"). IIRC it seems to work out to a bit MORE than half, so they seem to be more powerful than regular 1st-ies, but not so much as to be imbalancing (with the odd exception that I'm sure someone will point out :))

GargoyleWB
04-26-2004, 08:05 PM
Y'all got nuthin'

Gully Dwarves were invented decades ago, and there is still nothing more ridiculous and irritating. I'd let any of these into my campaign before I'd let another kender in. You only have to DM a kender once to know what I'm talking about....

Chronos
04-26-2004, 11:25 PM
I'd let any of these into my campaign before I'd let another kender in. You only have to DM a kender once to know what I'm talking about....I know exactly what you're talking about, even though I was only a fellow player. A friend's favorite character is a Kender named "Tulin Thistleknickers". The worst part was, he was always incredibly lucky. During one critical battle, he pranced right down the middle of the road, unarmored, wearing bright clothes in primary colors, and singing loudly and off-key, and didn't get a scratch, while the rest of the party (a ranger, a thief, and an illusionist, if I recall correctly), careful concealed and camoflaged in ambush to either side, nearly got trounced. I saw all the rolls myself, and I'm still not sure I believe it.

Taran
04-27-2004, 01:45 AM
Ok, I've got a better one, who I planned to use as a villian once but never got around to introducing:

Start with a Tauric Scorpion/Human (Tauric is a template from Savage Species that lets you meld an intelligent being and something unintelligent into one. Centaurs are a good example). Add seven Cleric levels, including the spell giant vermin. Mix in ten levels of Vermin Lord (from the Book of Vile Darkness) and serve, add a dash of archery, and serve!

There's a lot going on here. Visually, we have a man-scorpion with an immense bow and a lethal stinger with which to envenom his arrows. He's covered with small scorpions, so densely that they absorb damage for him, and he can cast giant vermin on any one of them to make it into a menace. At will he can sprout buzzing insect wings, he's covered in chitinous plates, and his mouth is hideously disorted with venom-dripping mandibles.

What that picture doesn't tell you is that the small scorpions covering his body form a hive mind that he controls. Not only can he recruit passing flies to do spy and sentry duty, imbuing them with intelligence equal to his own along with unquestioning obedience, but sufficiently large hive minds gain the ability to cast sorcerer spells. With both kinds of magic and an endless swarm of loyal, genius followers, the potential for havoc is essentially limitless.

The original version of this character was a scorpion/Illithid and an Ur-Priest (also from the Book of Vile Darkness, basically a divine caster who gets his magic by stealing it from the gods). That's probably unnecessary and uncalled-for, though.

Left Hand of Dorkness
04-27-2004, 10:04 AM
This isn't so much a weird character as it is a weird abuse of the 3.5 rules, and my own personal creation. I call it:

The Animal Factory

Ingredients:
1) One ninth-level druid, captive.
2) One source of experience points for the druid. Perhaps a dungeon full of critters?
3) One source of motivation for the druid. Perhaps a forest and a torch?
4) One trusted henchman.

Method:
1) Have druid cast Baleful Polymorph (http://wizards.com/d20/files/v35/SpellsA-B.rtf) on you. Voluntarily fail the saves. This permanently turns you into an animal, changing your type. Become a froggy--why not?
2) Now that you're an animal, have the druid cast Awaken (http://wizards.com/d20/files/v35/SpellsA-B.rtf) on you. This changes your intelligence to the result of a 3d6 roll, gives you +1d3 Charisma points, and gives you two extra HD. Your type changes to Magical Beast, but who cares? These changes are instantaneous, meaning they cannot be dispelled. The charisma and hit dice additions aren't bonus, they're just changes to the score.
3) Rinse and repeat: have the druid cast baleful polymorph to turn you back into an animal, then awaken on you to give you more HD and Cha, as many times as you'd like. Don't be greedy: do this ten times, ending up with 20 extra HD and about 20 extra points in your Cha.
4) Have the druid cast Dispel Magic on you, dispelling the polymorph and returning you to your natural shape. You're still a magical beast, which means that you're immune to spells such as Charm Person or Dominate Person, but you have your old form back, plus all the instantaneous benefits of the multiple Awakens.

Note the henchman, who is present to beat the hell out of the druid if he tries anything funny, and the XP source, to replenish XP lost through casting Awaken over and over.

Note that in my campaign, I don't allow spells to change a character's type :).

Daniel

Hamish
04-27-2004, 10:35 AM
Note the henchman, who is present to beat the hell out of the druid if he tries anything funny, and the XP source, to replenish XP lost through casting Awaken over and over.

Note that in my campaign, I don't allow spells to change a character's type :).


The way I would adjudicate that is having the process completely unhinge the henchman's mind. At the very least, I'd have him lose control of his form and become a chaos beast.

If the player was particularly high level, or if this kind of behaviour was common, I'd have the henchman transcend his mortality and become some sort of crazed, Chaotic Evil animal demigod with a hatred of the PC.

My players learn early on not to pull the "rules lawyer" thing with me. ;)

Hamish
04-27-2004, 10:40 AM
Y'all got nuthin'

Gully Dwarves were invented decades ago, and there is still nothing more ridiculous and irritating. I'd let any of these into my campaign before I'd let another kender in. You only have to DM a kender once to know what I'm talking about....

One of my players in playing her CN half-elf rogue exactly like a kender. All my players are dreading what'll happen when she finally gets a chance to try out her "use magical device skill."

Left Hand of Dorkness
04-27-2004, 11:22 AM
The way I would adjudicate that is having the process completely unhinge the henchman's mind. At the very least, I'd have him lose control of his form and become a chaos beast.

If the player was particularly high level, or if this kind of behaviour was common, I'd have the henchman transcend his mortality and become some sort of crazed, Chaotic Evil animal demigod with a hatred of the PC.

My players learn early on not to pull the "rules lawyer" thing with me. ;)

I assume you mean the PC would have this happen, right? The henchman doesn't get any bonuses; he just beats the hell out of the druid and sets the forest on fire if the druid doesn't cast the right spells on you. No way would any self-respecting munchkin give that much power to a flunky :).

But your response would be pretty brilliant. One of my least favorite things about third edition (and also one of its greatest strengths) is the rigidity and clarity of its rules: this leads to making magic unmysterious and scientific. Bringing back the risk, especially by turning munchkins into tragic mad wizards, is a fantastic idea.

Mostly I came up with the Animal Factory as a particularly nasty example of why having type changes is a bad idea. Animal growthed enlarged druids shapechanged into dire apes and wielding huge spiked chains is another example.

My favorite weird character from one of my games was a fire-happy wizard who was on the run from some shady characters, and who wanted to polymorph himself into a pixie. I told him the stats were fine, but my middle-Eastern-to-Asian-themed campaign didn't have room for pixies in it, so he changed the description to a dragonfly-spirit, a cross between the iridescent insect and a child. He spent many months of campaign time in this shape before he was caught out by an enemy's polymorph and turned into a turtle.

Daniel

Hamish
04-27-2004, 12:34 PM
But your response would be pretty brilliant. One of my least favorite things about third edition (and also one of its greatest strengths) is the rigidity and clarity of its rules: this leads to making magic unmysterious and scientific. Bringing back the risk, especially by turning munchkins into tragic mad wizards, is a fantastic idea.

Well, the way I interpret it is this: the clarity is just to keep a beleagured DM from going crazy when faced with a totally unexpected situation. The DM is, of course, God, so any abuse or pushing of the rules gets a swift kick of divine retribution.

I find that players are least likely to be resentful if I can make the retribution as creative and as fitting as possible. If I simply say, "No, you can't do that," often they'll get angry and argue with me. If I say, "You do that, but..." then it becomes an interesting part of the game.

I try to allow most optional things, if I can (except psionics, which I detest because they never fit well in my game worlds). If a character wanted to be a magical beast, I'd let them -- but I'd expect their appearance to become somehow more bestial, and they'd fall into situations normal humans wouldn't have to worry about (like a magical trap that adds beasts and magical beasts to a wizard's private zoo, for example...)

Jpeg Jones
04-27-2004, 02:06 PM
I've really never played a D&D game, so I don't know if these are playable:


An intelligent stop sign who speaks only the language of corn
A bag of were-Doritos
A chaotic evil cable modem with the ability to summon a frightening Anne Geddes photo
The Crrrguonnnn, which is a beast with the head and body of Strom Thurmond, only with slightly more hair around the navel

Hamish
04-27-2004, 02:31 PM
What the hell. This is a silly thread, so let's give this a shot :)


An intelligent stop sign who speaks only the language of corn

This is probably an "incarnate construct" alluded to earlier. I don't have the The Savage Species manual, so I couldn't tell you the specifics. If a player was really willing to sacrifice their ability to speak for a continually operating speak with plants spell that only works on corn, go right ahead.

Life span: 2 adventures, tops.

A bag of were-Doritos

Developing a "were-Dorito" template might take some doing. I suspect the lycanthropic form would have no Strength and Dexterity score at all, being totally immobile. The question then becomes, "Does eating a lycanthrope spread lycanthropy to the creature doing the eating?"

Life span: Until the party first encounters a gang of hungry orcs.

A chaotic evil cable modem with the ability to summon a frightening Anne Geddes photo

Cable modems -- and modems of any kind -- are always evil.

Another incarnate construct, this one without anything resembling even one leg. Since I'm guessing you're sacrificing mobility, I'll let you have the power to cast scare at will, giving opponants who fail their will save a -2 morale penalty on attacks. Since you have no way to defend, the penalty won't help you too much unless you have companions willing to stick their necks out to save an evil modem.

Life span: Until the first battle.

The Crrrguonnnn, which is a beast with the head and body of Strom Thurmond, only with slightly more hair around the navel.

Any honest answer I could come up for this one would probably get me flamed for disrespect to the dead...

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