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View Full Version : What's the joke to this punch line?


CC
05-15-2004, 11:13 AM
Dopers, I vaguely remember a joke that ends with someone whacking an amimal in the head with a two by four, explaining, "first, you have to get their attention." I would love to be able to use that joke in an upcoming education lecture. Can anyone provide the beginning? Thanks.

CC
05-15-2004, 11:14 AM
on second thought, I think it was an animal, not an amimal.

daffyduck
05-15-2004, 11:21 AM
I've seen various forms of the joke.

A mule trainer is asked how he is able to train such stubborn animals and he says, "Let me show you." He then grans a 2 x 4 and whacks the mule upside the head with it. "First, you get their attention."

daffyduck
05-15-2004, 11:22 AM
grabs a 2 x 4 even :smack:

CC
05-15-2004, 11:23 AM
You mean he grans a two by four and hits an amimal? How curel.

hajario
05-15-2004, 12:21 PM
I Googled: ["first you have to get their attention" two four] and got the following on the first hit:

It seems a farmer was complaining to a friend about the trouble he was having in getting his stubborn mule to move. After listening to the farmer's complaint, the friend said he knew just what to do.


"Get a two-by-four and whack the mule across the head with all your might," advised the friend. The farmer was taken aback. "But how will that get him to move?" asked the farmer. "Well, you see," the friend said, "first you've got to get his attention!"

Haj

Amp
05-15-2004, 12:50 PM
I have another one since the first one was answered. What is the joke to "And so the nun says, "Twenty dollars, same as in town.""

Bryan Ekers
05-15-2004, 12:57 PM
I have another one since the first one was answered. What is the joke to "And so the nun says, "Twenty dollars, same as in town.""

I had to ask this one myself. One version of the joke involves a priest taking confession, but he has to step out for a second to go to the bathroom or something so he asks the janitor to sit in for him. The janitor agrees and sits quietly for several minutes before a penitent arrives. She confesses to, among other things, giving her boyfriend a blowjob. Not knowing how to respond, the janitor leans out the confessional door, looking desperately for the priest. He instead spots a nun (or altarboy, if you prefer) and whispers: "Pssst, what does the father give for a blowjob?"

And you know the rest.

RM Mentock
05-15-2004, 01:04 PM
Bubba, is that you?

Keep your worms warm!

Tonight, it's your turn in the barrel.

Hold this, I'll be right back.

don't ask
05-15-2004, 01:11 PM
Bubba, is that you?

Keep your worms warm!

Tonight, it's your turn in the barrel.

Hold this, I'll be right back.

Punchlines R Us?

don't ask
05-15-2004, 01:12 PM
And I can only recognise the barrel joke.

tomndebb
05-15-2004, 01:25 PM
The longer setup to the mule joke:

A man comes to a farmer to buy a mule, hearing that the farmer has the best mules in the county. The farmer is working with a mule, speaking softly, and the mule is responding to every command, immediately. The man is impressed and offers to buy the mule. They agree on a price, but before the man leaves with the mule, the farmer cautions him that the mule does not like rough treatment or strong language. No "mule skinner" tactics for him. "Just speak softly to him, tell him 'gee' or 'haw' or 'gyup' or 'back' and he'll come right along for you. Never whip him; never beat him. Don't even threaten him."

The man leads the mule home and pens him up for the night.

The next morning the farmer is accosted by the man, completely enraged, claiming that the farmer had sold him a ringer and that the mule was worthless, refusing to respond to any command. The farmer agreed to take a look at the problem and accompanied the man back to his place, where they found the mule drowsily standing his stall. . . .

Peter Morris
05-15-2004, 03:27 PM
".... so he sawed two inches off his exhaust pipe"

CC
05-15-2004, 04:02 PM
...That sheep is a god-damned liar!"

Rube E. Tewesday
05-15-2004, 04:18 PM
I had to ask this one myself. One version of the joke involves a priest taking confession, ....

And in the version I've encountered more often, a naive priest goes for a walk in town, and goes in a neighbourhood he's never been in. All along the way, he encounters women who call out "Twenty bucks for a quickie"(or blowjob, in the more recent versions).

On his return to the cathedral, he encounters a nun. "Sister", he says, "what's a quickie?" And she replies "It's ....(and you know the rest)".

jayjay
05-15-2004, 04:18 PM
Welcome to Jamaica, mon. Have a nice day!

x-ray vision
05-15-2004, 04:51 PM
...If you think I'm goin' through this sixty-six more times, you're crazy.

postcards
05-15-2004, 04:55 PM
"Alright," the guy said to the frog. "But this is the last time I'm showing you how..."

nitroglycerine
05-15-2004, 05:01 PM
Bubba, is that you?


Is that the punchline also known as:
"Is that you OJ?"?

Ring
05-15-2004, 05:53 PM
Bartender: I knew he should've quit while he was a head.

jayjay
05-15-2004, 05:56 PM
And you won't get many more with these prices!

TheLoadedDog
05-15-2004, 06:11 PM
....and the asylum superintendent gives the barman a trashcan lid and says, "Sorry, I don't have anything smaller".


"Because you've got Father O'Reilly's slippers on!"


And God said, "You want that bridge four lanes or six?"


"How did I make the donkey cry? I showed him!"


"Naah, it's not that. I just didn't know the parrot had sold the place."

Yllaria
05-15-2004, 06:24 PM
This is really frustrating. I only know about one joke in four and no one is explaining. Just to get even -

"Where's my cookie?"

TellMeI'mNotCrazy
05-15-2004, 06:27 PM
You woke me up in the middle of the night for Moo Goo Gai Pan??

SPOOFE
05-15-2004, 06:45 PM
"Holy mackerel, where did all these fucking Indians come from?"

Chairman Pow
05-15-2004, 07:03 PM
You know, most of these sound like bad ways to end a date rather than punchlines.

jayjay
05-15-2004, 07:04 PM
Somewhere Henny Youngman is feeling a great disturbance in the force, as if thousands of voices were laughing out loud and then suddenly silenced.

tomndebb
05-15-2004, 07:05 PM
The old lady looked at her husband and said, "Every one of them."

Kamino Neko
05-15-2004, 07:29 PM
'NO! It's just ice cream!'

*giggle* This is fun. ^__~

dantheman
05-15-2004, 08:00 PM
[It seems odd, somehow, to see tomndebb in here. Always figured him for such a serious, button-down, no-nonsense kinda feller. :D]

ElvisL1ves
05-15-2004, 08:26 PM
The duck says "It started as just this little bump on my butt."

peculiar hailstone
05-15-2004, 08:50 PM
ya know, Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk

cuz he's hung like this

no, you're bloody ugly

a harmonica only sucks half the time

jayjay
05-15-2004, 08:54 PM
Did you just feel something?

postcards
05-15-2004, 08:56 PM
"Oh, sure," the wife says. "You don't have to get up in the morning!"

nitroglycerine
05-15-2004, 10:07 PM
"Great", said the old lady, "I'll keep my eye out for you".

Little Nemo
05-15-2004, 10:31 PM
Well could we take a break anyway? I'm starving!

What do you mean us, paleface?

Sometimes the bull wins.

bizzwire
05-15-2004, 10:36 PM
So the bear wiped himself with the rabbit!!!


"Why do you ask, 'two dogs fucking?'"

Punoqllads
05-15-2004, 10:39 PM
Question 2 (95 points): Which tire?

Roches
05-15-2004, 10:48 PM
[shameless attempt to increase posts count]

"Plus a constant!"

[/shameless attempt to increase posts count]

biddee
05-15-2004, 10:49 PM
I'm an ex tractor fan myself

I'm afraid not (a frayed knot)

You wanna buy a fly?

But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?

Laughing Lagomorph
05-15-2004, 10:51 PM
This thread consists solely of punch lines to jokes. (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?t=208507)

Larry Mudd
05-15-2004, 10:55 PM
So he says, "You know what I want-- unscrew it and pass it up here!"

Peter Morris
05-15-2004, 11:28 PM
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Until I realised he was a fan of mew words.

Its easy. I'm an ex-tractor fan.

and then I knew.... this was the work of a surreal killer.

He should have quit when he was a head.

Laughing Lagomorph
05-15-2004, 11:30 PM
"I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!"






"Hell, no it's not rigged. My wife won three times last week!"

Peter Morris
05-15-2004, 11:36 PM
(borrowed from Arthur C. Clarke)

... one star-mangled spanner.

Peter Morris
05-16-2004, 12:04 AM
It has to want to change.

They just sit around hoping it'll come back on.

One to screw it in, and one to screw it up.

Unity.

One to change it, and two to argue about whether the new one is as good as the original.

That's a hardware problem.

399 to blow up the ship from shame.

One, or two if its a heavy bulb

One to change it and one to stab the other in the back and take all of the credit.

How many can you afford?

One, plus or minus 0.0000000001.

none of your damn business.

That information is available on a need to know basis only.

None... they screw in hot tubs.

Fish.

Spavined Gelding
05-16-2004, 12:15 AM
...And the bear said, "For what we are about to receive, Oh Lord, make us truly grateful."

No, Ole, those are for the wake.

...And if He sees His shadow we get six more weeks of winter.

...if this is New York, think what Decorah must be like.

How about I drag her over to Elm Street?

astro
05-16-2004, 12:18 AM
"Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..." (http://jokingaround.com/jokes/103.htm)

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not always lose." (http://dalebroux.com/humor/jokes/000006_Cojones_.asp)

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." (http://members.fortunecity.co.uk/dancannon/jokes/Marriage/The_Gift.html)

Eliahna
05-16-2004, 12:44 AM
"Now, where's the young lady with the sore tooth?"

Alice The Goon
05-16-2004, 01:02 AM
You can't unscrew a pregnant lady.

It doesn't heal em, but it sure as hell keeps you from lickin' em!

She could only be charged with a misdeweiner.

peculiar hailstone
05-16-2004, 02:44 AM
one to hold the bulb, and one to smoke dope until the room starts to spin

Nametag
05-16-2004, 03:47 AM
"...and so there I was, with my thumb up a leopard's arse!"

"I dunno," said the Invisible Man, "but my butt's killin' me."

"You didn't come here to hunt, did you?"

"Next time, put the potato in the front."

"What did you want, a miracle?"

"I'm tho thore I can't thtand up!"

duffer
05-16-2004, 04:07 AM
"What else should I think?!? How would you feel if your only visitor for 9 months was some prick that hit you in the head and threw up on you!?!"

Go You Big Red Fire Engine
05-16-2004, 07:01 AM
"And one duck turns to the other and sais, "what do I look like, a toaster?"

Shodan
05-16-2004, 08:20 AM
And the farmer points at her and says, "That's one!"

Regards,
Shodan

PS - cazzle, that is my favorite joke of all time.

bizzwire
05-16-2004, 09:26 AM
"Death good..........................But first, a little Chi-Chi!"


"So I screwed her twice and pulled her hair!"

ElvisL1ves
05-16-2004, 10:51 AM
Now where's that Eskimo woman I gotta wrestle?

TellMeI'mNotCrazy
05-16-2004, 10:54 AM
Noooo, he thinks he's Tiger Woods! (love that one)

postcards
05-16-2004, 12:02 PM
"The gun was loaded with blanks!" she said. "So I had to beat him to death with the chair leg!"

freakstasy
05-16-2004, 12:56 PM
and then the man said, "that's no gorilla, that's my wife!"

Chronos
05-16-2004, 03:41 PM
"I don't know", said the Invisible Man, "But my butt sure hurts."

And the Martian said "So why were you in such a hurry at the end?

None. Klingon warriors are not afraid of the dark.

Rube E. Tewesday
05-16-2004, 04:09 PM
"Whatever you say, Captain, but the rest of us just ride the camel to town."

"And the four guys who'd have to hold Hop Sing down."

ElvisL1ves
05-16-2004, 07:26 PM
Is that the same as "The Chinaman, he don't go for that shit neither" ?

Rube E. Tewesday
05-16-2004, 08:03 PM
Is that the same as "The Chinaman, he don't go for that shit neither" ?

Yeah, I just think that the version that drops that line is punchier.

Little Nemo
05-16-2004, 09:55 PM
I guess it's just the way you tell them.

It just goes to show, you don't fuck with the Lone Ranger.

Well then, you're not going to like Thursdays either.

I'm 74 years old. I'm telling everybody.

So what position did she play?

Dammit, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!

Guess what, mac, I've been screwing Cindy Crawford.

None, he tripped.

RAWDuke
05-16-2004, 11:27 PM
"You can weed a horse to slaughter, but you can't make him fink"

"What do you know, a talking dog!"

"Why am I amazed that this thread hasn't been moved long ago?"

Atticus Finch
05-16-2004, 11:48 PM
...a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

That's not a lion, it's a giraffe.

Rufus Xavier
05-17-2004, 12:07 AM
'No, son; let's walk down and screw them all.'

NoCoolUserName
05-17-2004, 01:12 AM
Just a minute, I'll get my hat and go with you.

I just wanted to know if you have a viola.
(You can replace viola with banjo if you like.)

Then I whisper in his ear: "Do you want me to do that again?"

And the guy says "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid!"

Sublight
05-17-2004, 01:28 AM
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

He just holds it still and the world revolves around him.

Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?

So much for your canoe, sucker!

pkbites
05-17-2004, 01:40 AM
So he picked her up and threw into the ocean and said "there, now your ****ed!"


They both come in quartz.


A widow!



Sic 'em, Jesus!

antechinus
05-17-2004, 02:43 AM
"It's a nick-nack Paddywack. Give the frog a lone, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

duffer
05-17-2004, 02:59 AM
Just then a buzzer sounds and one of Satan's minions enters the room. "Coffe break's over! Back on your heads!"

Peter Morris
05-17-2004, 03:29 AM
"I can't wait to tell all my friends I slept with Rhino Neil"

"Say, masked man, y'all left yer injun running."

CurtC
05-17-2004, 11:09 AM
"Some people just can't tell a joke."

"'Cause it's f*uckin' near water!"

"Oh, then you're gonna hate Fridays."

"OK, death... by bunga bunga!"

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