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View Full Version : I embarrassed my self at Wal-mart. (personal lubrication)


chaoticbear
06-22-2005, 05:52 PM
I found today that while buying personal lubrication/condoms isn't the most embarrassing thing in the world, buying it where you work, and where everyone knows you is. The cashier didn't say anything, but I'm sure she was snickering the whole time. And with a name like "Astroglide", it's not like I can claim it was contact lens solution or something.

Agent Foxtrot
06-22-2005, 05:53 PM
Why not go to the grocery store down the street? Or did you need condoms and Astroglide pronto? :p

cher3
06-22-2005, 05:56 PM
Well, at least it was condoms and Astroglide.

Buying just the Astroglide, now that's embarrassing.

Shirley Ujest
06-22-2005, 05:59 PM
You shoulda bought a cucumber. A 16 incher....


and astroglide.



Yeah.....that'll start off some inneresting rumors.

Queen Bruin
06-22-2005, 06:03 PM
Mail order people, mail order (http://drugstore.com)!

congodwarf
06-22-2005, 06:04 PM
I don't know about you but when the mood strikes me, I don't want to wait for mail order.

Queen Bruin
06-22-2005, 06:07 PM
The idea is to plan ahead. ;)

MikeG
06-22-2005, 06:07 PM
I was just talking to a friend about this last night. I have never been embarassed to buy condoms, astroglide, etc. in the store. Hey, it's the closest thing to holding a sign saying "Yep, I'm getting laid! Woohoo!"

On a related note, I also never had a problem buying feminine products for my SO's either. Now for my mom would be another story, but for my gf/wife? No big deal.

congodwarf
06-22-2005, 06:12 PM
The idea is to plan ahead. ;)

I know nothing of this plan thingie you speak of. I do things when the mood strikes me. Hence the 3 jars of Mayo in my kitchen. I feel like mayo, I buy it. I feel like sex, I buy it.











Waitaminute!!! That did not come out right.

Telperien
06-22-2005, 06:17 PM
You didn't buy a lot at once, did you? That would definitely get people talking. Reminds me of the time I ordered a lube sampler from a web site and my best friend came over the day it arrived so she could look at all the different kinds. She asked if I was planning a busy weekend.

chaoticbear
06-22-2005, 06:20 PM
Buying just the Astroglide, now that's embarrassing.

Heh, it was just Astroglide. :o

We already have condoms.

Queen Bruin
06-22-2005, 06:23 PM
I know nothing of this plan thingie you speak of. I do things when the mood strikes me. Hence the 3 jars of Mayo in my kitchen.

So you don't think to buy mayo at the store until you want something that calls for it? Huh, I thought that was the sort of thing you always had in your fridge and used it as you needed it. When the mood hits me, I want all the necessary provisions available at the very moment - I don't wanna run to the store for it!

The Scrivener
06-22-2005, 06:24 PM
[note to self] Don't eat at congodwarf's... and it might be a good idea to skip his egg salad, too.[/nts] :p


I found today that while buying personal lubrication/condoms isn't the most embarrassing thing in the world, buying it where you work, and where everyone knows you is.

"Smooth operator... smoooooooooth operator..." :D

O.K., the decision to purchase at work wasn't so slick, but you're cool to share this mortifying story with us Dopers. I hope you can let your co-worker's stares just roll off your back like water off a duck... ;)

35340
06-22-2005, 06:25 PM
I seem to recall walking to the store once with my sweetums to get the exercise and to pick up condoms. While we were there, we remembered we needed ketchup, and the had one of those 'odd lot specials' on bedsheets ...

Tripler
06-22-2005, 06:33 PM
And with a name like "Astroglide", it's not like I can claim it was contact lens solution or something.

Bull. You could use the phrase: "It's so easy to glide my lenses onto my eyes, I can see the stars!"

Tripler
C'mon, you gotta think on your feet at times like this.

Anastasaeon
06-22-2005, 06:34 PM
What makes lube so embarrassing? But then again... even though I'm pretty damn shy in real life, if a clerk began giggling or smirking when I buy lubrication, I'm the kind of person that will lean forward and say, quietly, even shyly, "I'm going to have sex. That's what it's for." And look quite earnest when I say it. It usually embarrasses them more than it embarrasses me. If I know the clerk personally, it's even easier.

Although.... you know, I was once doing inventory at the factory I used to work for, tallying all the common things you'd think to find: nuts, bolts, washers, screws, office supplies, work uniforms, spare parts, etc. Everything seemed to make sense, even some of the odder things. Until I got to the back of the supply room and found these gigantic, 10 gallon tubs.... of Vaseline. :eek:

What goes on back there?

Yes, yes, I'm sure it's just for some of our machinery, but it gives me greater comfort to think that's how some of the assholes got their promotions.

Telperien
06-22-2005, 06:45 PM
Yes, yes, I'm sure it's just for some of our machinery, but it gives me greater comfort to think that's how some of the assholes got their promotions.

Assholes...promotions...I can't breathe! Too funny!

cbawlmer
06-22-2005, 06:46 PM
One time I went to the store with a friend to buy two items. I needed blank video tapes. He needed condoms. THAT was embarrassing.

I buy condoms at Sam's Club, where you can buy a box of 40 Trojans for $9.59. I usually buy two boxes at a time and nothing else just to freak out the clerk. :D

TheLoadedDog
06-22-2005, 06:52 PM
The cucumber is good. The ketchup and video tapes are great. There must be a whole wealth of fucking-with-cashiers'-minds combinations out there:

1. Take an accomplice: you go through first with condoms and lube. Then your friend goes through with condoms and glue. Deadpan.

2. Condoms, lube, and rubber bands. Lots and lots of rubber bands. Come through with many boxes awkwardly in your arms, and drop the lot on the counter.

3. Condoms, lube, and catnip.

4. Again with an accomplice. You: condoms, lube, cucumber. Friend: condoms, lube, pineapple.

Nic2004
06-22-2005, 06:52 PM
Astroglide... some kind of mental picture keeps trying to form and it involves the Jetson's dog.
Noooooooooo! :eek:

congodwarf
06-22-2005, 06:57 PM
So you don't think to buy mayo at the store until you want something that calls for it? Huh, I thought that was the sort of thing you always had in your fridge and used it as you needed it. When the mood hits me, I want all the necessary provisions available at the very moment - I don't wanna run to the store for it!

K, this is the last time I'm gonna hijack this thread with food comments (maybe :D ).

Acutally my fiancee eats at least two sandwiches a day and he loves mayo so we run out a lot. Since I eat maybe 2 sandwiches a month, I'm not an expert on our mayo levels. I've gone to make tuna or eggsalad and found no mayo enough times that now I buy it when I want a sandwich. Last month was just a mistake. My fiancee and I both bought Mayo on the same day :wally

[end hijack]

As for buying condoms and lube, this has never embarrassed me. BUT, if I worked in a store which sold them, I would NOT buy them there. That just goes beyone TMI where your coworkers are concerned.
I did, however, once buy a box of tampons, a box of condoms, a tube of lube, and a douche - all on the same day. I was planning ahead you know. Who did I see in the checkout line - behind me so I couldn't flee? My future mother in law :eek: . Lucky for me, she's a very cool lady. She just smiled and commented on the weather. This is why I don't plan ahead any more. :D

Nic2004
06-22-2005, 07:00 PM
Went with my very-easily-embarrased friend to the drug store to pick up his 'script. While he is at the pick-up window, I am milling about in the condom section (as I am apt to do) and, picking up a box of Trojans, I say to him in a faily loud voice
Hey Mark! Here's those Trojan Petites you've been looking for!!
I don't think he has fully recovered to this day.

swampbear
06-22-2005, 07:17 PM
So, chaoticdonkey is standing there with his lube/condoms in hand. The cashier/cow-orker goes to ring up the purchase, slides the lube/condoms over the little thingy that reads the UPCs. Purchase rings up, and cashier/cow-orker suddenly remembers the employee discount.

Pushes intercom button:

chaoticdonkey is purchasing lube/condoms, Bob. What's the employee discount on those items?

Now that's embarrassment! :D

ladybug
06-22-2005, 07:37 PM
There must be a whole wealth of fucking-with-cashiers'-minds combinations out there:

One of my brother's friends does special effects for movies, so he ends up with some odd combinations. I heard he got a lot strange looks the night he showed up in the checkout line with dryer tubing, kitty litter and a tub of vaseline.

Tripler
06-22-2005, 07:39 PM
I buy condoms at Sam's Club, where you can buy a box of 40 Trojans for $9.59. I usually buy two boxes at a time and nothing else just to freak out the clerk. :D

I was once making my rounds at a CostCo in Arizona with a buddy of mine who needed to go too. We were walking down the aisle when I spotted a gallon jug of KY Jelly. I point it out and say to him, "Yeah, that'll keep you busy on a Friday night. . ." He busted out laughing.

And so did the three 20-something girls behind us at the time. :D

Tripler
No, that little joke didn't even get me a phone number. :mad:

GorillaMan
06-22-2005, 07:42 PM
4. Again with an accomplice. You: condoms, lube, cucumber. Friend: condoms, lube, pineapple.
5. Lube and dogfood

6. Condoms and a watermelon

7. Lube, and a copy of every car-related magazine in stock



....this could go on for a long time...

chaoticbear
06-22-2005, 07:49 PM
I thought it was obvious. I bought the Astroglide there because I get a discount! I might have to look online in the future, though. I'm sure that I can get it cheaper on eBay than Wal-Mart.

swampbear: I'm going to kill you, lol. The whole room of family members just looked at me while I'm dying laughing, and do you know what I said? NOTHING. They look at me like I'm the biggest idiot ever, and I can't explain to them.

dogbutler
06-22-2005, 10:25 PM
5. Lube and dogfood

6. Condoms and a watermelon

7. Lube, and a copy of every car-related magazine in stock



....this could go on for a long time...

8. Duct tape, catnip, and Astroglide

9. Twister, a tarp, and a 10lb. can of Crisco

chaoticbear
06-22-2005, 10:51 PM
We've done this before. My favorite suggestion was a small bag of flour, an identical medium bag of flour, and an identical large bag of flour. No room for astroglide in that, though.

Tentacle Monster
06-23-2005, 12:45 AM
One time, at a BX, I bought a big bag of steel wool and a porn magazine.

The cashier didn't bat an eye. My friend who I was shopping with, however, did point out the odd combination.

So I says to him "Yeah, once that first layer of skin comes off, it's better than lotion!"

(For the record, the steel wool was for stripping old wax off of boots. Also, that friend is a bit odder than I am.)

Ashes, Ashes
06-23-2005, 01:02 AM
Embarrassing is also when you're shopping for your grandparents at the drugstore and you run into not just an ex, but your boss too. You just have to look them straight in the eye and act like all those jumbo economy-sized tushie-related products do not exist and they are not in your cart. Denial is my friend.

And Tentacle Monster? Ouch! That's not a happy image.

Otto
06-23-2005, 02:21 AM
Dude, you work at Wal-Mart. By definition you have no shame.

betenoir
06-23-2005, 05:01 AM
Oh pleeeeze! You're embarrassed just because you bought something that suggests to your coworkers that you have sex?
When I wanted the discount at the bookstore I had to ask a manager to ring up my S&M porn!
(Well they were Christmas presents!!)

swampbear
06-23-2005, 08:08 AM
swampbear: I'm going to kill you, lol. The whole room of family members just looked at me while I'm dying laughing, and do you know what I said? NOTHING. They look at me like I'm the biggest idiot ever, and I can't explain to them.
First: The kill you line is another great stalker line. You really are gettin' better at it!
Second: I'm sure you're family already knows you're the biggest idiot ever. They need no explanation. :D Oh like you thought I'd let that one get by me!

chaoticbear
06-23-2005, 08:54 AM
First: The kill you line is another great stalker line. You really are gettin' better at it!
Second: I'm sure you're family already knows you're the biggest idiot ever. They need no explanation. :D Oh like you thought I'd let that one get by me!

Yeah, but if I were to tell you that I'm going to kill you, then it would expose the fact that I'm stalking you, because even with a sniper rifle or something I'd still have to be closer to you than I am now. And stalkers can't let themselves be discovered.

betenoir, That would be embarrassing. Thankfully I don't ever plan on enduring that.

Mama Zappa
06-23-2005, 12:13 PM
6. Condoms and a watermelon

.... um, looks like someone's already tried *that* one :D (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?t=195331&highlight=watermelon+wang-ka)

Daithi Lacha
06-23-2005, 01:30 PM
Astroglide... some kind of mental picture keeps trying to form and it involves the Jetson's dog.
Noooooooooo! :eek:
"OW! Rorge, you're rurting me!" :p


One of my buddies was getting married, so I was dispatched to the local pharmacy to by a lot of multi-colored condoms to inflate and hang on his car's antenna when they took off for their honeymoon.

So I take the several boxes up to the counter, and the damned clerk starts a whole wink-wink-nudge-nudge shtick with me! "Good weekend coming up sir? Bet it is, bet it is! Not afraid of running a little low, are you, now? Best not to take chances!" Half of me wanted to join in with him, but I think I told him to mind his own damn business.

yBeayf
06-23-2005, 01:42 PM
One of my buddies was getting married, so I was dispatched to the local pharmacy to by a lot of multi-colored condoms to inflate and hang on his car's antenna when they took off for their honeymoon.
Heh. Cousin's wedding, off to get decorations for the car. Three guys in tuxedos, purchasing lube, condoms, white shoe polish, and women's underwear. A few odd looks there, I can tell you.

Ethilrist
06-23-2005, 01:46 PM
10. Condoms, astroglide, and a 5 pound sack of CornNuts.

11. ... and a Barney videotape.

Tupug Anachi
06-23-2005, 01:57 PM
A good friend of mine raises show Salukis (dogs, in case you're wonderin'). She lives in Lincoln, Nebraska, in an area where skunks are regular visitors to her outside kennels. She has learned that douche products are terrific for getting skunk "eau de Pepe" out of her dogs' coats. Unfortunately it takes LOTS AND LOTS of douche. Imagine coming to the Walmart checkout with the entire inventory of Summer's Eve. :D

Dung Beetle
06-23-2005, 02:17 PM
Reminds me of when I worked at a drugstore several years ago. A young lady of about college age slunk up to the register with a box of condoms and laid it shyly on the counter. The cashier (who was a huge jerk, but also a pretty funny guy) grabbed them up and hollered, "Condoms! Oh, I see you got the economy pack! Say, what's the price on these? Let me find out!" The girl was horrendously embarrassed, but fortunately she laughed (and so did everyone else in earshot.)

Harriet the Spry
06-23-2005, 06:53 PM
She has learned that douche products are terrific for getting skunk "eau de Pepe" out of her dogs' coats.

I really hope her learning process here involved reading the tip on a message board somewhere. Because.... how else would you learn that?

iamthewalrus(:3=
06-23-2005, 09:06 PM
I was in a little corner drugstore once while I was in college, and a college-aged girl came in and went to the pharmacy counter with a prescription to be filled. I was the only other customer in the store. I was an aisle over and she was soft-spoken, so I didn't hear her say anything as she handed the 'scrip over.

The pharmacist and his wife were a cute little old couple who, it turned out, were a bit hard of hearing. After asking her to repeat the name of the medication several times, he finally shouted back to his wife:

"Do we have Orthotricyclen (http://orthotri-cyclen.com/)?"

"Ortho-what?"

"Orthotricyclen."

"I don't know. What is it?"

"What's it for, dear?"

All this while, the girl was turning increasingly red. To my credit, I managed to make it out of the store before I burst out laughing.

Eva Luna
06-23-2005, 09:56 PM
You didn't buy a lot at once, did you? That would definitely get people talking.

Flash back in time to early September 1989... a group of 40 college students and recent grads, including Yours Truly, is undergoing three days of orientation and language testing in preparation for a semester in the Soviet Union, in a dinky town in upstate New York with one intersection, a gas station, a grocery store, and a pharmacy. Our accommodations: a semi-abandoned Christian overnight camp a mile down the road (the program must have gotten a cheap deal or something).

Our last day there, we had an orientation session about what you must leave behind because it will get you into trouble in Soviet Customs, and what you must acquire because it will be unavailable in-country, but a vital necessity. Emphasis was placed on condoms - our group leader (who married his Russian fiancee while we were there) kept repeating that Soviets screwed like bunny rabbits, and even if we didn't plan on needing any condoms, we should buy several boxes, because a) our plans might change; and b) even if we didn't need them, they would make great gifts, and to trust him that nobody would be embarrassed to receive a gift of condoms.

So after the session, we had the afternoon free...so all 40 of us marched down tohe road to the tiny one-room pharmacy and grabbed several boxes of condoms apiece off the shelf, along with every other OTC contraceptive and personal lubricant we could lay our hands on. We completely cleaned the place out.

As we waited in line at the cash register, with the little old man behind the counter obviously trying to make head or tail (no pun intended) of the situation, we looked at each other and realized how ridiculous it all was. Finally he hasked, "So, what are y'all doing in town?" Our reply: "Oh, just some orientation program." "Oh, how nice. And where are you staying?" "Uh, at the Christian retreat center up the road."

I wish I'd had a video camera - the expression on his face was priceless. :D

Chanteuse
06-24-2005, 09:05 AM
I once bought a box of condoms, a box of contraceptive films, and a tube of lube at Walmart.

Turns out I should've been buying a pregnancy test, 'cause a few days later--SURPRISE!!!

Tupug Anachi
06-24-2005, 09:14 AM
I really hope her learning process here involved reading the tip on a message board somewhere. Because.... how else would you learn that?
Well, someone had to try it first, no? And knowing this woman, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she was the one. :D

DogMom
06-24-2005, 09:47 AM
Well, someone had to try it first, no? And knowing this woman, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she was the one. :D

Well, it makes sense, though. From here (http://magazines.ivillage.com/goodhousekeeping/myhome/cleaning/articles/0,,284549_600499,00.html)
under "#2. Tomato juice will de-skunk a dog"
The Bobst Hospital of the Animal Medical Center in New York City recommends a solution of 1 cup of white vinegar diluted with 1 gallon of water.
Your basic Summer's Eve douche is Vinegar and Water, either by itself or with fragrance added.
She'd be a lot farther ahead just to go ahead and get a gallon of Vinegar and mix it with hose water or something, but if she likes the convenience of pre-mixed, pre-packaged, pre-scented, smells-purty stuff, then that's her prerogative.

chaoticbear
06-25-2005, 04:29 AM
I know that this trainwreck didn't need any more pushing along to suck even more, but it's worse! Tomorrow, I have to go buy condoms

I thought that I was finally earning the respect and admiration of my fellow orkers.

Q.N. Jones
06-25-2005, 06:33 AM
You shoulda bought a cucumber. A 16 incher....


and astroglide.



Yeah.....that'll start off some inneresting rumors.

When my (platonic) girlfriend and I were in high school, we went into the grocery store one night and bought the following items:

giant cucumber
whipped cream in a can
KY jelly

Then we scooped the loop in my conservative medium-sized Iowa suburb, taking turns leaning out the window at stoplights while lewdly licking the whipped cream off the cucumber in front of other drivers.

We were hoping for interesting rumors--since the prevailing one about me was that I was Amish--but nothing came of it. Even though the cashier was a boy in my class. We were terribly disappointed.

Penchan
06-25-2005, 03:26 PM
I know this isn't as embarrassing as shopping for condoms at your work, but I think it comes close.

The SO and I were feeling amorous, but there weren't any condoms at the house. So we decided to go to the store and buy some and also walk the dog. Since the dog doesn't like being left alone, the SO had to stand with him outside while I went into the store to buy some.

Apparently every store likes to put their condoms next to the pharmacy. I had to stand there for a couple of minutes right next to a long line of older folk who were buying their meds. I felt like they were staring a hole through my head! I picked up the variety pack with big jumbo words "INTENSE PLEASURE" "DELAYS CLIMAX!" "RIBBED!" and hurriedly walked past them. And yes they kept staring until I was out of sight!

So as I go to the counter, there are long lines everywhere and it feels like the box was a beacon since everyone kept trying to see what I was holding as I walked by. I decided on the shortest line. Behind an older Asian couple who were buying tea (oh, I'm Asian btw, so I felt like I was commiting a crime). Behind me? A rock-punk-dressed kid buying candy. They kept staring at me as I stood there acting like it wasn't anything to buy a variety pack of condoms in the middle of the day.

At least I got the teenage cashier to laugh as she said "have a nice day!"

Next time, the SO will get the condoms.

descamisado
06-25-2005, 09:42 PM
I know that this trainwreck didn't need any more pushing along to suck even more, but it's worse! Tomorrow, I have to go buy condoms

I thought that I was finally earning the respect and admiration of my fellow orkers.

Again? You bought condoms and lube on the 22nd and you're buying condoms again? Now you're just bragging.*

*Wish I were you!

Dignan
06-25-2005, 09:57 PM
I have to buy lubricant about every three weeks. The reason is (possible TMI)
I'm paralyzed and I need it for cathaters.
I try to switch up which store I buy it from so it doesn't look too weird, but I have a tendency to go to the closest place. I always wonder whether or not they notice, and if they have any idea why I'm buying it (and so often). No one has said anything to me yet, but I still feel kind of weird when I buy it.

TheLoadedDog
06-25-2005, 10:02 PM
What's in lube anyway? I've never bothered to look at what's in the stuff. I assume some sort of glycerine-ish type of thing, is it? Maybe it's possible for folks like Dignan (above) to somehow just make up a big pot of it at home (just not before your grandmother comes over for tea and biscuits..).

Leaper
06-25-2005, 11:38 PM
This thread is why those new self checkout machines are God's gift to mankind.

Telperien
06-25-2005, 11:42 PM
What's in lube anyway? I've never bothered to look at what's in the stuff. I assume some sort of glycerine-ish type of thing, is it? Maybe it's possible for folks like Dignan (above) to somehow just make up a big pot of it at home (just not before your grandmother comes over for tea and biscuits..).

It depends on the kind of lube. From a quick glance at the bottle of what I have right now (purchased at an honest-to-goodness sex shop, amid the giggles of my roommate), lube contains many polysyllabic things, including glycerin. It also warns not to put it in your eyes or ears. Good to know.

chaoticbear
06-25-2005, 11:52 PM
Again? You bought condoms and lube on the 22nd and you're buying condoms again? Now you're just bragging.*

*Wish I were you!

No, no, guys. I bought lube on the 22nd, and condoms today. There are reasons, I'm not insane, don't worry.

dogbutler
06-26-2005, 12:04 AM
It also warns not to put it in your eyes or ears. Good to know.

Warning: Use only as directed
Not for squicking

Telperien
06-26-2005, 12:24 AM
You know, if it hadn't said right there on the package not to, I'd never have gotten the idea. I swear.

chaoticbear
06-26-2005, 01:03 AM
This thread is why those new self checkout machines are God's gift to mankind.

Heh, you know what's funny about that, is that we have a little screen where we watch what everyone's buying. It would be kind of funny to see people coming through buying condoms and lube and yeast infection cream and enemas and suppositories all at the same time. Not that I've seen anyone buy all of that at once, but it would be kind of funny. Because you know that with a combination of items like that, they came through the self-checkout to not get noticed.

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