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Mangetout
08-10-2006, 11:08 AM
For example:

Mangetout: Do you want to hear the alternative 'knock knock' joke?
Other guy: OK
M: You start...
OG: Knock Knock
M: Who's there?
OG: ummmmm....

Or this one, with which I caught out my stage comedy partner once (during a live performance):
Mangetout: <with full music-hall swagger and inflection> I say, I say, I say! My dog's got no smell!
Other Guy: How does it... errr... nose... huh?

Is there a name for this kind of fake/trick joke? Does anyone have any more examples?

Draelin
08-10-2006, 11:48 AM
My favorites have always been the "Spell Something And Ask A Question" jokes.

Me: Spell "hop."
Mark: H-O-P
Me: Spell "mop."
Mark: M-O-P
Me: Spell "top."
Mark: T-O-P
Me: What do you do at a green light?
Mark: (Accustomed to the "op" sound) Stop.
Me: No, you go at a green light!

I once tripped up my cousin with several of these right after he claimed to be vastly smarter than me.

Spell "roast."
Spell "coast."
Spell "most."
What do you put in a toaster?

(The answer, of course, is "bread.")

FatBaldGuy
08-10-2006, 11:54 AM
What does M-A-C-D-O-N-A-L-D spell? (MacDonald)
What does M-A-C-G-R-E-G-O-R spell? (MacGregor)
What does M-A-C-H-I-N-E-R-Y spell? (machinery, not MacHinery)



Hey, Joe--theres a henway on your leg!

What's a henway?

About 5 pounds.

Scarlett67
08-10-2006, 11:58 AM
Do Pete & Repete count?

Then there's:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrup--
MOOOOOO!!!

And also the "brainteasers" along the lines of "Where do they bury the survivors?", "Can a man marry his widow's sister?", "What's the name of the bus driver?", etc.

Draelin
08-10-2006, 12:02 PM
Along the "machinery" lines ...

What does T-W-A spell? (The mark sounds it out.)
T-W-E?
T-W-I?
T-W-O? And here you get to yell "Two, you idiot!" when they say "twoah".

Dinsdale
08-10-2006, 12:19 PM
Other spelling tricks:
f-o-l-k
j-o-k-e
p-o-k-e
What's the white of an egg called?

Pronounce these words:
r-o-u-g-h
t-o-u-g-h
d-o-u-g-h

And the chant:
Ohwah
tahfag
ooseye
yam
Repeat and increase speed.

Man, I must have been an annoying kid.
Come to think of it, I'm probably an annoying adult!

Cervaise
08-10-2006, 12:24 PM
My favorites have always been the "Spell Something And Ask A Question" jokes.Another one:

"Spell SILK!" - "Now, what does a cow drink?"

Of course, when a kid starts in on these with me (it's always a kid), I know what's coming, so I play along and then deliver my own socko twist.

To wit,

"What do you do at a green light?"
"Honk."

Or,

"What do you put in the toaster?"
"Bagel."

(Obviously, you only want to piss in their cornflakes if they're particularly insufferable and deserve a jerk on the leash. Good kids, I play along; no sense crushing their spirit until they're older.)

Kozmik
08-10-2006, 01:03 PM
Me: A moron says what?
Other guy: What?
Me: Haw! Haw! You're a moron!

RealityChuck
08-10-2006, 01:07 PM
My coworker always tells one particular joke on any new employee (it's so much a tradition that if he doesn't think of it, our boss reminds him):

"I was eating at McDonald's the other day, and had to go to the men's room. When I got back, some old guy had taken the seat across from mine and had started eating my lunch. Well, I didn't want to make a scene, and the guy looked like he could use a good meal, so I didn't say anything. Finally, he finished. And after he left the restaurant, I noticed he left a paper bag behind."

Zeldar
08-10-2006, 01:10 PM
My coworker always tells one particular joke on any new employee (it's so much a tradition that if he doesn't think of it, our boss reminds him):

"I was eating at McDonald's the other day, and had to go to the men's room. When I got back, some old guy had taken the seat across from mine and had started eating my lunch. Well, I didn't want to make a scene, and the guy looked like he could use a good meal, so I didn't say anything. Finally, he finished. And after he left the restaurant, I noticed he left a paper bag behind."

Okay. I'll bite. What happened when he burned the bag?

WhyNot
08-10-2006, 01:13 PM
My coworker always tells one particular joke on any new employee (it's so much a tradition that if he doesn't think of it, our boss reminds him):

"I was eating at McDonald's the other day, and had to go to the men's room. When I got back, some old guy had taken the seat across from mine and had started eating my lunch. Well, I didn't want to make a scene, and the guy looked like he could use a good meal, so I didn't say anything. Finally, he finished. And after he left the restaurant, I noticed he left a paper bag behind."
I don't get it. At first I thought it was an Americanization of Douglas Adam's biscuit story, but it appears not.

RealityChuck
08-10-2006, 01:14 PM
The bag was full of shit, just like the story.

Mangetout
08-11-2006, 05:54 AM
Another one:

"Spell SILK!" - "Now, what does a cow drink?"I tried this one on my seven-year-old son the other day and while I was laughing, he said "No Dad, that's not right, because a calf does drink milk; that's actually what milk is for - for cows to drink".

Smart arse.

Mangetout
08-11-2006, 05:57 AM
Then there's:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrup--
MOOOOOO!!!
Also try:

The interrupting starfish (you clasp your open hand over the other person's mouth while they are trying to respond)

The interrupting slug (you give the other person a 'wet willy' - suck your finger and stick it in their ear)

The interrupting tortoise (After the other person has asked "Who's there?" you just sit in silence, chewing, for a long time).

mittu
08-11-2006, 12:28 PM
Not sure if this qualifies but here goes anyway:

You (in a serious tone, not like you are telling a joke): Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed last night? I can't remember her name now, think it was Reese something.
Mark: Witherspoon?
You: No, with a knife you idiot, who stabs people with a spoon?

tdn
08-11-2006, 12:54 PM
Read the following list aloud, but before each word, say the word "trains." Then do it again, but after each word say the word "trains." Then do it again, but say the word "trains." before and after the word. Then read the list from the bottom up.

Trains
About
Talk
Fool
This
Made
I
How
Look

Idaho Red
08-12-2006, 01:59 AM
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrup--
MOOOOOO!!! My kids hate when I do the banana one.

I once ruined a joke for somebody -
Other person: Did you know Yugo is coming out with a station wagon?
Me: Oh? and what'll they call it, a "wego"?
OP (slightly upset): Have you heard this before?
Me: Huh? Oh, was that a joke? Sorry...

Miller
08-12-2006, 02:08 AM
Not sure if this qualifies but here goes anyway:

You (in a serious tone, not like you are telling a joke): Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed last night? I can't remember her name now, think it was Reese something.
Mark: Witherspoon?
You: No, with a knife you idiot, who stabs people with a spoon?

Alan Rickman.

Dervorin
08-12-2006, 11:22 AM
Me: What's the difference between an elephant and a matterbaby?
Them: What's a matterbaby?
Me: Nothing, darling, what'samatter with you?

Yes, I'm going to hell, express.

Hentor the Barbarian
08-12-2006, 11:30 AM
And the chant:
Ohwah
tahfag
ooseye
yam
Repeat and increase speed.Okay, what's a "fagoose"?

Lissa
08-12-2006, 11:59 AM
Other spelling tricks:
f-o-l-k
j-o-k-e
p-o-k-e
What's the white of an egg called?


I always ruin these kinds of jokes. "The white? That's the albumen." And then I get irritable looks.

I remember once when I was a teenager, our teacher tried one of those jokes on the class: "If a plane crashes right on the state border, on what side to they bury the survivors?" And me, Little Miss Literal, had go go and crash the party by saying, "Well, the victims would be buried wherever their families live. They just don't bury bodies where they fall, you know."

interface2x
08-12-2006, 12:47 PM
Person #1: Help me out, is this gramatically correct, and if not, what is - "All egg yolks is white."

Person #2: No, all egg yolks ARE white.

Person #1: That's odd, I always thought they were yellow.

Oy!
08-12-2006, 01:48 PM
Two, one from obnoxious childhood:

Person #1: Pronounce "C-A-L"
Person #2: 'Cal'
Person #1: Pronounce "V-E-S"
Person #2: 'Ves'
Person #1: Pronouce "C-A-L-V-E-S"
Person #2: 'Cal-ves'
Person #1: No, calves.

one from annoying adolescence:

Person #1: This girl is trying to hitchhike, and a truckdriver stops and says "What will you do for me if I give you a ride?" She replies: "I'll give you the greatest blow-job you ever had!" The trucker says "Hey! Hop right in!"

A few minutes later, he says "OK, whenever you're ready!" So the girl leans over to unzip his fly, and as she's doing it, she hits her head on the uh, um, oh shit! <waves frantically in front of him/herself to indicate brain-fart loss of word>

Person #2: Dashboard?

Person #1: Oh, you blow truckdrivers too?

Skywatcher
08-12-2006, 05:47 PM
Two from when I volunteered at a summer camp:

Spell "image" then say "lightbulb".

Point to your head and say the abbreviation for "Montana".

Skywatcher
08-12-2006, 05:59 PM
One from a joke book I had as a kid:

Person #1: "What does 't e r r i f y' spell?"
Person #2: "Terrify."
Person #1: "What does 't i s s u e' spell?"
Person #2: "Tissue."
Person #1: "Put them together and what have you got?"
Person #2: "Terrify tissue?"
Person #1: "Heck no! Go ahead."

Civil Guy
08-12-2006, 06:44 PM
Another classic, but ought to be listed:

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk him, and pitch the giraffe into a double-play.

freckafree
08-12-2006, 06:50 PM
What does M-O-N-O-P-O-L-Y spell?

Monopoly.

What does P-O-L-O-P-O-N-Y spell?

No, idiot, not polopony -- polo pony.

freckafree
08-12-2006, 07:08 PM
This is visual, so I hope I can describe it adequately...

Me: I'm going to show you a magic trick! (Takes out a dollar bill and turns it to the reverse side. Points to the Great Seal of the United States.) Do you see the wing on the eagle?

Victim: Yes

Me: (Folds the bill lengthwise.) Can you still see the wing?

Victim: Yes

Me: (Folds the bill lenthwise again.) Now can you see the wing?

Victim: Yes.

Me: (Folds the bill lengthwise again -- it's now about 1/4" wide). NOW can you see the wing?

Victim: Yes!

Me: (Bends the two ends down at a right angle. Balances the folded bill on my outstretched index finger.) Good! Now say "wing" three times.

Victim: Wing. Wing. Wing.

Me: (Picks the folded bill up and holds like telephone receiver and speaks in an Elmer Fudd voice.) Heh-wo?

OK, maybe this should go in the obsolete jokes category...

pbbth
08-12-2006, 08:59 PM
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Cough, cough.

Joey P
08-13-2006, 12:21 AM
A few minutes later, he says "OK, whenever you're ready!" So the girl leans over to unzip his fly, and as she's doing it, she hits her head on the uh, um, oh shit! <waves frantically in front of him/herself to indicate brain-fart loss of word>

Person #2: Dashboard?

Person #1: Oh, you blow truckdrivers too?
My friend told me a joke once similar to that. The begining was a bit of banter about gay people knowing everything, this went on for a few examples, then the story leads to a mall and the main character of the joke is going to the second floor of the mall on one of those things...ya know the steps that move...like stair but automatic.

An Escalator?

See you DO know everything.

Weirddave
08-13-2006, 01:22 AM
My friend told me a joke once similar to that. The begining was a bit of banter about gay people knowing everything, this went on for a few examples, then the story leads to a mall and the main character of the joke is going to the second floor of the mall on one of those things...ya know the steps that move...like stair but automatic.

An Escalator?

See you DO know everything.
And for the third version, I always told it with a guy playing a game identifying whatever the other person stuck in his ass. He identifies an egg, bicycle handles, a cucumber. And then his friend goes into the bathroom and gets one of those, you know, when the toilet gets clogged... (make plunging motions with your hands)

Rube "A plunger"

Me "Oh, you play that game too?"

I wonder how many other versions there are?

Hey, It's That Guy!
08-13-2006, 01:49 AM
Stick out your tongue and hold it with your fingers. Now say "Apple."

(Every time, it sounds like they're saying "Asshole.")

buns3000
08-13-2006, 02:05 AM
Me: A moron says what?
Not being a moron, I wouldn't know.

Eleusis
08-13-2006, 03:36 AM
My coworker always tells one particular joke on any new employee (it's so much a tradition that if he doesn't think of it, our boss reminds him):

"I was eating at McDonald's the other day, and had to go to the men's room. When I got back, some old guy had taken the seat across from mine and had started eating my lunch. Well, I didn't want to make a scene, and the guy looked like he could use a good meal, so I didn't say anything. Finally, he finished. And after he left the restaurant, I noticed he left a paper bag behind."
Hell, I'll give it a shot....

So, I fucking had to go the mall the other day, you know I hate malls!, but I needed a new shirt for work and Gap has the basically the only ones those dickheads allow.... so I anyway I trudged through the parade of assholes, and paid $29 dollars for a stupid "Polo" shirt. Anyway... I had to be at work in an hour, so it wasn't worth driving 20 minutes each way home, and I need some lunch anyway, so I said, "Fuck it", I'll have a stupid Big Mac and some goddam chicken nuggets. I still had a lot of time to kill, so I went in, got my damn food, and sat down to eat there. You KNOW, I fucking HATE snot nosed kids, and they were running rampant! There were like twenty fat ugly stupid mothers with like 100 fat ugly stupid kids running everywhere. No parental guidance anyfuckingwhere. I swear I was ready to pull out a machete and start chopping heads off left and right. So I'm half finished with my nasty-ass greasy Big Mac, when I realize I hadn't pissed since last night, and my king sized Coke wasn't helping. I figured, hell, I'll leave my coat and my shopping bag, surely nobody is uncouth enough to blatantly enough to steal anything with all these other people around. So I leave all my shit there, and go piss. When I get back I scarf down my nasty burger and get up, but my goddamn Gap bag is gone! I had put it on the inside of the booth, by the window, but apparently nobody noticed when some dickhead asshole motherfucker stole it becacuse of their ugly snotnosed fucking derelict kids. I look around, and see this fat whore with four fucking fat ass ugly kids, and she's carrying 4 (four!) Gap bags! Same fucking bitch that had let her yardapes ruin everything for everbody all lunch. I chase after her, catch her in the parking lot, and ask if she's sure all those bags are hers. Of course, she's indignant, and procedes to herd her nasty demons into the fucking car. Right then, I notice MY FUCKING RECEIPT stapled to the FUCKING TOP OF MY FUCKING BAG. I go to grab it, but can you believe she starts screaming rape!?!?!? I can't afford another shirt, and by now I have to be at work in 20 minutes, so I try to pass her up and just get my damn shirt. Well, she falls down, I grab my bag, but before I can walk away she grabs my fucking ankle and trips me! Believe that Shit!!?!? I'm trying to get away but bitch has the Death Lock, she's pulling and pulling on my leg......


... just like I'm pulling yours :D

brujaja
08-13-2006, 03:57 AM
Q.: How do you get an elephant into a Safeway shopping bag?

(response): Dunno--

A.: You take the "S" out of "Safe", and the "F" out of "way"!

(response): --thinks for a minute-- There IS no "F" in "way"!

A.: That's right!

(there IS NO F'in' way -- there is no F****n' way -- dig?)



***********************************************

all the best jokes come from 12 year olds.

Jeff Lichtman
08-13-2006, 04:06 AM
Many years ago I was at a friend's family gathering. I decided to pull an old joke on one of the younger kids, so I asked if he knew he had "snoo" in his blood. The victim is supposed to say, "what's snoo?", but this kid pronounced it very carefully and said, "what is snoo?" as three distinct words. I couldn't use the punchline, so I just said, "it's something you have in your blood." The kid kept asking, "what. is. snoo?" and I kept leading him on. Finally, in frustration the kid said, "WHAT'S SNOO?!?!?!"

I replied, "Nothing much. What's snoo with you?"

Several minutes later the kid walked up to one of his great uncles and asked, "Did you know you have snoo in your blood?" The man looked calmly at the kid for a few seconds and replied, "You are peculiar."

Oy!
08-13-2006, 11:32 AM
Many years ago I was at a friend's family gathering. I decided to pull an old joke on one of the younger kids, so I asked if he knew he had "snoo" in his blood. The victim is supposed to say, "what's snoo?", but this kid pronounced it very carefully and said, "what is snoo?" as three distinct words. I couldn't use the punchline, so I just said, "it's something you have in your blood." The kid kept asking, "what. is. snoo?" and I kept leading him on. Finally, in frustration the kid said, "WHAT'S SNOO?!?!?!"

I replied, "Nothing much. What's snoo with you?"

Several minutes later the kid walked up to one of his great uncles and asked, "Did you know you have snoo in your blood?" The man looked calmly at the kid for a few seconds and replied, "You are peculiar."

The great uncle shoots - he scores!

BoBettie
08-13-2006, 12:00 PM
The other day a neighbor that I don't know well yet (but has a good sense of humor) was visiting. He's not sure how to take me yet and is terribly polite in my company, even though I know he's got a bad side to him. He didn't know I'm a jokester.

So my husband, he, and I are sitting out having a drink and all of a sudden my dog starts licking his dick, right there in front of everyone. I very straight said "Hey, don't you wish you could do that?" He laughs and says "Yeah! Sure do!" and I replied "Well, go offer him a treat and he'll probably let you."

I then ruined it by laughing myself into tears until he thought I was just plain unstable, but man- talk about hook, line and sinker. *gulp*

(that's not an original joke by any means, but I don't recall where I first heard it)

Zeldar
08-13-2006, 12:05 PM
The other day a neighbor that I don't know well yet (but has a good sense of humor) was visiting. He's not sure how to take me yet and is terribly polite in my company, even though I know he's got a bad side to him. He didn't know I'm a jokester.

So my husband, he, and I are sitting out having a drink and all of a sudden my dog starts licking his dick, right there in front of everyone. I very straight said "Hey, don't you wish you could do that?" He laughs and says "Yeah! Sure do!" and I replied "Well, go offer him a treat and he'll probably let you."

I then ruined it by laughing myself into tears until he thought I was just plain unstable, but man- talk about hook, line and sinker. *gulp*

(that's not an original joke by any means, but I don't recall where I first heard it)

If you haven't heard/read Lewis Grizzard's version of this based on the University of Georgia's mascot bulldog Uga, his punchilne is: "That dog'll bite you." (done in a heavy hick accent).

Oy!
08-13-2006, 12:11 PM
The other day a neighbor that I don't know well yet (but has a good sense of humor) was visiting. He's not sure how to take me yet and is terribly polite in my company, even though I know he's got a bad side to him. He didn't know I'm a jokester.

So my husband, he, and I are sitting out having a drink and all of a sudden my dog starts licking his dick, right there in front of everyone. I very straight said "Hey, don't you wish you could do that?" He laughs and says "Yeah! Sure do!" and I replied "Well, go offer him a treat and he'll probably let you."

I then ruined it by laughing myself into tears until he thought I was just plain unstable, but man- talk about hook, line and sinker. *gulp*

(that's not an original joke by any means, but I don't recall where I first heard it)
I'm 50 and I've never run across that one before! Oh, well done!

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