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View Full Version : Gimme your lumberjack or tree-related jokes!


Beadalin
03-01-2007, 05:27 PM
My sister is coordinating and will be helping to host a breakfast for her colleagues and customers, and it's got a lumberjack theme (pancakes with real maple syrup and I don't know what else). She's asked for my help in coming up with jokes or one-liners about lumberjacks and/or trees in general.

Whatcha got? 'Cause I got nothin'.

Snooooopy
03-01-2007, 05:28 PM
There is definitely nothing in the works of Monty Python that would be of any use to you.

Oakminster
03-01-2007, 05:39 PM
I wooden know. Leaf me alone.

Biggirl
03-01-2007, 05:41 PM
There is definitely nothing in the works of Monty Python that would be of any use to you.

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day


I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.






Cut out most of the song.

gigi
03-01-2007, 05:43 PM
These seem to be the common ones on-line:


This puny guys applies for a job as a lumberjack. "Sorry, says the head lumberjack, eyeing the man up and down, "You're just too small."

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," the guy pleads. "You won't regret it."

"Okay," says the boss. "See that giant oak over there? Let's see if you can chop it down." Half an hour later, the mighty oak is felled, amazing the boss. "Where'd you learn to cut trees like that?" he asks.

"The Sahara Forest."

"You mean the Sahara Desert ?"

"Sure, if that's what they call it now."
=============

A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job.

"Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her.

The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat.

"Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman.

"6" she replied.

"What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!"

So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night
exhausted.

"How many this time?" asked the foreman. "12" she said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!"

The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly." He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong.

And she replies, "What the hell is that noise?"

Autolycus
03-01-2007, 05:47 PM
Why did the lumberjack cross the road?
To chop down the tree on the other side.

How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. There are no lightbulbs in the forest!

What did the tree say when he was burned down?
I cant beleaf this!

Hey, you said jokes... not good jokes...

Beadalin
03-01-2007, 05:59 PM
Sweet!

She did say that she's planning to use the lumberjack song from Monty Python. Based on that and some other comments, I'm inferring that it's a pretty laid-back group.

The only joke I've come up with so far is one of those insert-the-group ones:
Q: How did the idiot hurt himself raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree!

See why I need help?

gigi
03-01-2007, 06:00 PM
What's green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

pinkfreud
03-01-2007, 06:14 PM
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.

~Ogden Nash

Booker57
03-01-2007, 06:20 PM
How did the tree surgeon break his arm?

He fell out of a patient.

Encinitas
03-01-2007, 06:44 PM
'EPISODE 12B'
'HOW TO RECOGNISE DIFFERENT TREES FROM QUITE A LONG WAY AWAY'
'NO. 1'
'THE LARCH'
Photo of a larch tree.

From here. (http://ibras.dk/montypython/episode03.htm)

Chefguy
03-01-2007, 06:45 PM
My uncle was going to be a tree surgeon, but he faints at the sight of sap.

Contrapuntal
03-01-2007, 06:48 PM
My uncle was going to be a tree surgeon, but he faints at the sight of sap.So, you guys don't get a lot of face time, huh?

OOOOOWWWWW! SNAP! KELLY RIPPPPAA!

Shoeless
03-01-2007, 11:09 PM
I think I may have picked this one up from another joke thread a few months ago, but here goes:

A man is sitting in a sidewalk cafe and he notices a couple of blondes from the public works department working across the street. One of the blondes digs a hole, and the other blonde comes along behind her and shovels the dirt back in the hole. They go up and down the entire block like this. Finally, as they stop to work in front of the cafe, the man speaks up.

"I've been watching the two of you work, but for the life of me I can't figure out what it is that you're doing."

One of the blondes looks at him and says, "Oh, well normally there's three of us, but the girl who plants the trees is out sick today."

gigi
03-02-2007, 10:27 AM
How did the tree surgeon break his arm?

He fell out of a patient.
What happened to the tree surgeon after the forest fire?

He lost his patience.

(I just made that up. Fear me!)

glee
03-02-2007, 10:35 AM
I think I may have picked this one up from another joke thread a few months ago, but here goes:

A man is sitting in a sidewalk cafe and he notices a couple of blondes from the public works department working across the street. One of the blondes digs a hole, and the other blonde comes along behind her and shovels the dirt back in the hole. They go up and down the entire block like this. Finally, as they stop to work in front of the cafe, the man speaks up.

"I've been watching the two of you work, but for the life of me I can't figure out what it is that you're doing."

One of the blondes looks at him and says, "Oh, well normally there's three of us, but the girl who plants the trees is out sick today."

:D

Lumpy
03-02-2007, 10:47 AM
I know a number of jokes that I heard as lumberjack jokes but which don't necessarily have to be about lumberjacks; the following for example works just as well for soldiers in the mess hall, etc.:

"At a lumberjack camp, the loggers would always complain about the food. No matter how well the cook prepared their meals, they would always find something to criticize. Finally the cook got sick of it: one morning instead of cooking breakfast he doled out horseshit onto everyones' plates and then stood there with a shotgun and said they had to eat it, and he'd kill the first person to complain. As the loggers reluctantly dug in, one couldn't take it. He screamed 'Goddamn this tastes like shit' then hastily added '-but it's good'."

ZipperJJ
03-02-2007, 10:57 AM
What's brown and sticky?



A stick!

Scuba_Ben
03-02-2007, 11:01 AM
Shoeless, I've heard the same one as a union-labor joke.

Malacandra
03-02-2007, 11:33 AM
Paddy and Murphy are walking past a timberyard when a man comes out and pins up a poster saying "TREE FELLERS WANTED". Whereupon Paddy turns to Murphy and says "Isn't it the shame that Mick didn't come with us today?".

Ivorybill
03-02-2007, 12:09 PM
Forestry professional here. These are our two best jokes.


1. What month do trees hate the most?

September.



2. How come Smoky Bear and his wife don't have any kids?

Every time she gets hot he beats her with a shovel.

gigi
03-02-2007, 12:55 PM
1. What month do trees hate the most?

September.I don't get it. Does it have to do with "timber"?

Ludovic
03-02-2007, 01:23 PM
Shoeless, I've heard the same one as a union-labor joke.I've never heard it but it strikes me as more of a union or Soviet Russia joke as well. waiting for it....

Ivorybill
03-02-2007, 01:26 PM
I don't get it. Does it have to do with "timber"?You got it. Usually the bigger laughs come with younger children telling the joke and saying "sep-TIMMMMBERRRRR"

It's almost a pirate joke, too.

Scuba_Ben
03-02-2007, 01:39 PM
It's almost a pirate joke, too.YAFI, YGI.

What's a pirate's favorite month?

Marrrrrrch!

Signifer
05-10-2011, 02:43 AM
Here it goes:

"There's this guy who travels to the rocky mountains to do some environmental research on his own. He rents a four-wheel drive car and starts climbing a muddy track that winds through the thick forest, heading towards a cabin he's been told to be in a place somewhere up high in the deepest of the wood. It starts raining cats and dogs, the windshield wipers going at full speed and all, and it's jet-black under the leaves... so he gets lost a couple of times. At last he arrives at the place, when it's already night. He has just set a fire going and settled down a bit in the cabin, when there comes a knock on the door... and there stands a great, stout man: a lumberjack. You know, wide shoulders, strong limbs, a hat and a beard, his broad hairy chest nearly bursting out of a checkered shirt.

-I've come to invite you to a party, he says, stooping over the little guy.

-What kind of party? asks the guy.

-You know? Bit of drinkin'... bit of dancin'... bit of fuckin'...

-Great, who's going to the party?

-Just the two of us..."

Musicat
05-10-2011, 03:01 AM
Q: How can you tell it's a dogwood tree?

A: By its bark.

Snowboarder Bo
05-10-2011, 07:54 AM
One day I was walking in the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of and I didn't hear anything.*

---------

A: If you woke up naked in the woods bleeding out of your ass and bent over a log, would you tell anyone?
B: Uh, no, prolly not.
A: Wanna go camping?




*Steven Wright joke

Michael of Lucan
05-10-2011, 08:27 AM
I learnt this in school Cough Cough years ago.

A Chinese man comes to the lumberjack camp looking for work. The boss says "OK, you're hired. You're in charge of the supplies."

"The supplies? OK, I do supplies." And he's hired.

Next morning, the lumberjacks leave the camp for their day's work. When they return in the evening, there is no sign of the Chinese man. Suddenly he jumps out from behind a building and shouts -

"SUPPLIES!!!"

PlainJain
05-10-2011, 09:47 AM
Forestry professional here. These are our two best jokes.


1. What month do trees hate the most?

September.



2. How come Smoky Bear and his wife don't have any kids?

Every time she gets hot he beats her with a shovel.
Ivorybill...

...you are a madman.

When you told those jokes...

... about the forest... and Smokey.

I want to party with you, cowboy.

The two of us together, forget it.

freckafree
05-10-2011, 09:59 AM
I know a number of jokes that I heard as lumberjack jokes but which don't necessarily have to be about lumberjacks; the following for example works just as well for soldiers in the mess hall, etc.:

"At a lumberjack camp, the loggers would always complain about the food. No matter how well the cook prepared their meals, they would always find something to criticize. Finally the cook got sick of it: one morning instead of cooking breakfast he doled out horseshit onto everyones' plates and then stood there with a shotgun and said they had to eat it, and he'd kill the first person to complain. As the loggers reluctantly dug in, one couldn't take it. He screamed 'Goddamn this tastes like shit' then hastily added '-but it's good'."

I came in to contribute this very joke. The variant I heard: The rule of the lumber camp was that, if you complained about the food, you'd be assigned as the camp cook, a job no one wanted, so generally the lumberjacks will eat pretty much anything without complaining. The new guy doesn't realize this, complains, and ends up as the cook, which he hates. He's trying desperately to think of something he can fix that's so awful, someone will complain. So he bakes up a big moose turd pie. Etc., etc., etc.

cjepson
05-11-2011, 12:31 PM
Once there was a little sapling who didn't know if he was a son of a birch or a son of a beech. So he went to the Old Oak and asked, "Am I a son of a birch or a son of a beech?" The Old Oak replied, "I don't know, youngster, but I'll tell you this: Your mother was the finest piece of ash in the forest."

lieu
05-11-2011, 12:51 PM
Q: How did the idiot hurt himself raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree!Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

So this lumberjack applied for the job of "Log Inspector" at one of the mills and the foreman and the owner take him out to see what he really knows.

The foreman stops the truck and points to a tree and says, "What species is that big tree over there, and how many board feet of lumber does it contain?"
"That's a Douglas Fir, 383 board feet." the lumberjack answers, the foreman can see the owner is impressed.

They continue on about another mile and the foreman points to another tree and asks the same question.
"Hemlock, 285 board feet." the lumberjack answers, again the owner is visibly impressed.

After the third stop the owner is praising the lumberjack's talent and foreman is getting a bit worried that this new guy is actually smarter than him, he has to do something to make him look bad. He stops the truck and hands the lumberjack a piece do chalk, " Get out and mark the front of that big tree over there," he says winking at the owner.

The lumberjack gets out, walks around the tree while looking at the ground, stops and puts an X on the tree and returns to the truck.
"How in the heck do you know that is the front of the tree?" the foreman asks sarcastically.
"Cause somebody took a shit behind it." the lumberjack replied.

Beadalin
05-11-2011, 01:10 PM
I am totally gonna travel back in time 4 years and give these new ones to my sister. :)

Malleus, Incus, Stapes!
05-11-2011, 01:27 PM
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third money fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure!

pakalolo
05-11-2011, 07:01 PM
Here in the Pacific Northwest we have actually have logging conventions. I have never been to one, but I have visited our awesome Oregon strip clubs during logging week (lots of fun) and all the waitresses wear "Got Wood?" t-shirts.

Sorry, thats probably not going to help your sister, still funny though...

Sampiro
05-11-2011, 07:07 PM
I wonder how well Sassy Gay Friend's take (http://youtube.com/watch?v=XYQavD9mSIc)on The Giving Tree would go over.

Balance
05-11-2011, 07:59 PM
A forestry analyst was sent out to a logging camp to survey the forest. His job was to count the trees, take measurements, and make spreadsheets to track the health of the forest to make sure the logging was sustainable. He arrive in the evening and found the camp very quiet. After introducing himself to the foreman, he asked if anything was wrong.

"Naw, son. Lumberjacks work hard, and the fellers are all tired, that's all."

He saw that clearly enough over the next couple of days as he made his rounds, measuring trees and plotting growth curves and other tree-geeky things. On the third day, however, a fierce storm blew up, and even the hardy lumberjacks were confined to the camp. That evening, however, after the rain moved on, he saw them pulling back a tarp that had covered a plank floor. He turned once more to the foreman to ask what was afoot.

"Well, son, lumberjacks're vigorous sorts. After bein' cooped up all day, they got to burn off some energy so they can sleep, so we're gonna have a dance."

When the music started up, it was a stately pavane, and the lumberjacks paced gracefully but slowly through its measures. As the dance ended, he shot the foreman a dubious look.

"I know what yer thinkin', son, but they gotta warm up slow, or they might pull a muscle later, and not be able to work in the mornin'."

Sure enough, the next tune was sprightly, ten times as energetic as the first, though it still seemed a bit...dainty...for a bunch of lumberjacks. When the third dance began, though, to drums that thundered through the trees, the lumberjacks' mighty boots seemed to shake the very earth.

"Oh, I get it!" cried the analyst. "It's logarithmic!"

(Okay, you can throw stuff now. No trees, please.)

Snarky_Kong
05-11-2011, 08:11 PM
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KTD1MLmx3Bw

Lukeinva
05-11-2011, 08:32 PM
What did one tree say to the other? "Let's make like trees and leave."

:p

Sampiro
05-11-2011, 09:32 PM
Lumberjacks are as much a part of History as Ancient Astronauts, Ice Road Truckers and Pawn Stars.

rowrrbazzle
05-11-2011, 11:25 PM
I came in to contribute this very joke. The variant I heard: The rule of the lumber camp was that, if you complained about the food, you'd be assigned as the camp cook, a job no one wanted, so generally the lumberjacks will eat pretty much anything without complaining. The new guy doesn't realize this, complains, and ends up as the cook, which he hates. He's trying desperately to think of something he can fix that's so awful, someone will complain. So he bakes up a big moose turd pie. Etc., etc., etc.Utah Phillips told this one.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=0zb1qsVqjwg
http://lyricszoo.com/utah-phillips/moose-turd-pie/

Horatio Hellpop
05-12-2011, 12:42 AM
185 lumberjacks from the great Pacific Northwest walk into a bar with silly grins on their faces. Bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve lumberjacks from the great Pacific Northwest, and... Hey, what are you all grinning about?" The 185 lumberjacks from the great Pacific Northwest said "I'd a ho'!"

EvilTOJ
05-12-2011, 10:06 AM
A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job.

"Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her.

The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat.

"Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman.

"6" she replied.

"What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!"

So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night
exhausted.

"How many this time?" asked the foreman. "12" she said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!"

The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly." He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong.

And she replies, "What the hell is that noise?"


Either I don't get it, or it's not funny.

Musicat
05-12-2011, 10:32 AM
Either I don't get it, or it's not funny.Apparently she was cutting down the trees without using the motor on the chainsaw. It's a lot harder that way, believe me.

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