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View Full Version : VERY TMI, in fact deliberately gross: What's the biggest poop you've ever had?


RickJay
11-01-2008, 08:52 AM
Last week I was on my way to a customer's place when my morning coffee kicked in and demanded I poop. this always happens after coffee; it's like some sort of poopstarting drug for me.

So I went into a Tim Horton's bathroom and prepared to drop a few kids off at the pool. I unloaded a pretty big log, and then realized a second was on the way, so I pushed that payload out as well.

And then, to my surprise, a THIRD log was peeking, so with not inconsiderable delight, I sent it on its way.

And then, to my shock, a FOURTH log began emerging. I couldn't believe it; a four-logger? Impossible. It was as if I'd driven to work, gotten out of my car, and eighteen previously unseen clowns jumped out after me.

I turned to look. It was amazing. The crap piled up above the waterline. All perfectly formed logs of considerable width. It was like a giant brown python had taken up residence in there. And not a hint of blood! It took three flushes.

Top THAT.

Pullet
11-01-2008, 09:01 AM
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Toxylon
11-01-2008, 11:04 AM
My biggest poop is the biggest and longest I've ever heard of, and it happened without any provocation one saturday noon some 15 years ago. While squeezing a log I started wondering why I didn't hear the normal splashes every couple seconds and looked between my legs to find a continuous, reddish-brown python circling into the bowl with the other end still inside me. This went on silently for maybe a minute. In the end the bowl was filled with a single, massive, uninterrupted coil of shit, no water in sight. Sure enough the bowl overflowed after flushing, forcing me to whack the beast into pieces with a stick inbetween furious flushings.

No rational explanation for the app. four-foot excrement. No discomfort, no sudden changes in diet etc. Never again repeated, either.

Justin Credible
11-01-2008, 12:11 PM
*paging Dung Beetle*

scout1222
11-01-2008, 12:24 PM
I'm not sure it was the largest in volume, but when I got home from 2 weeks of vacation in Europe (where I ate lots of cheese - Vive La France!), I took a poop that was...painful. I swear to God I thought something was going to break inside of me trying to get it out.

So it was probably the WIDEST poop I've ever taken.

chowder
11-01-2008, 12:28 PM
Another reason why I love the SDMB.

Where, oh where, can you get such descriptive narrative of a normal bodily function.

Not the biggest but the most painful was after a 2 week stay in hospital.

Mini turds shot out like shotgun pellets and ricocheted around the bowl

ivylass
11-01-2008, 12:41 PM
I'll let you know on November 16.

I have a colonoscopy scheduled for November 17.

EpicNonsense
11-01-2008, 01:17 PM
18" or so. And it's not necessary to give you details. We all shit the same way.

But thank you, Toxylon for that very descriptive experience.

Autolycus
11-01-2008, 01:29 PM
I shit you not, my dad's friends in college back in the '60s once took a dump so big that they made fliers and charged admission to see it.

chowder
11-01-2008, 01:57 PM
I shit you not, my dad's friends in college back in the '60s once took a dump so big that they made fliers and charged admission to see it.

Would that be the one that's varnished and on display in Chicago's Field Museum?;)

I believe they once thought it was a T.Rex turd

cochrane
11-02-2008, 01:40 AM
*paging Dung Beetle*
Never mind Dung Beetle. *paging Randy Marsh*

Malienation
11-02-2008, 01:18 AM
A couple of years ago my back went out, so out that I went to the doctor for a look-see. Blah, blah, blah, take this cortisone regimen, get off your ass as soon as possible, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, while this is all happening, my back hurts so much that I am literally never bending at the waist (forwards, backwards, or twisting), contracting my back or abdominal muscles without a damn good reason, and as a result I am barely ambulatory. Under those conditions, your GI tract pretty much grinds to a halt. Your turds just sit there, getting drier and harder (your large intestine absorbs more and more water). Eh, whatever. I can't twist to wipe my ass anyway.

When I finally get moving again, so does my GI tract. When the fateful day comes whereby I have to take a shit, all hell breaks loose...slowly. Holy Jesus, I thought my eyes were gonna pop out, just like in cartoons. I burst into a hella sweat, try to ease 'er out slowly...then stop. Ponder what to do for a couple minutes. Jesus, that sumbitch is gonna tear something that'll never heal. Fuck. Well, here goes.

OMG. I swear it felt like I was shitting a bowling trophy. Unimaginable pain. By the time I'm done, I'm shaky and out of breath.

I stagger to my feet and look down. It's gotta be at least 18" long and (more importantly) as big around as my wrist. One gigantic piece, too.

I reach for the toilet paper and hesitate. Hmmm, maybe I better flush this thing solo, then wipe my ass and flush again. So I do.

That fucking turd went down kicking and screaming. The water in the toilet was within 1" from overflowing when suddenly the toilet emptied out. Must've broken in half. That'll teach it!

Ya ever hear those old people obsessed with staying "regular", and think, "Jesus, man, get a life"? So did I. Allow me to apologize. Sorry, old people, for ever thinking ill of you. I understand now.

Tuckerfan
11-02-2008, 05:05 AM
I'd just like to point out that there's a whole website devoted to such discussions. Its called ratemypoo.com, and it has photos of the offending poos, so don't go to the site unless such things don't bother you. And before you ask, I learned about it from a post someone made here. It is not something I would have searched for on my own. (I tend to follow Leela from Futurama's philosophy on such things.)

EpicNonsense
11-02-2008, 05:28 AM
I'd just like to point out that there's a whole website devoted to such discussions. Its called ratemypoo.com

Weird. Just weird...

What's next? rate my piss stream. rate my q-tip. rate my puke. rate my flame (lighter farts).

It would not surprise me if all of these existed though.

Sapo
11-02-2008, 09:09 AM
I shit you not, ...

Then you are in the wrong thread.

Larry Borgia
11-02-2008, 09:17 AM
How many Courics was it? You should send it to the EFSMO in Zurich. (link (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/More_Crap))

Hyperelastic
11-02-2008, 09:24 AM
I had one of those medical tests where you drink a bucket of white liquid denser than mercury and then get X-rayed while the stuff works its way through your crap-factory. It clogged me up for a couple of days, then all came out in one magnificent turd the shape and color of an elephant tusk. Not only was it huge, it was heavy. I swear I heard it clunk when it hit the bottom of the bowl.

That one stayed below the surface of the water, probably due to its sheer heft. But I've had a number of craps where the turd is big enough not only to extend down into the toilet drain (so I couldn't really be sure just how long the sucker was) but also break the surface of the water. Those tend to create the impressive "helicopter blade" effect as they get flushed. If you're really lucky, the ends scrape the sides of the bowl and trace out a helix pattern.

A college roommate had a stomach bug and couldn't eat solid food for a number of days. When he was ready to start eating again, for some reason all he wanted to eat were carrots. He ate nothing but carrots for about four days, then egested a very large turd that closely resembled an actual carrot. Did I see it? I am ashamed to report that I did. "Hey, check this out!"

fisha
11-02-2008, 09:51 AM
One of my sons, when he was younger, would try to hold it in as long as possible. This would lead to some enormous poops on an adult scale, let alone on a 9 year old boy scale.

3"-3 1/2" diameter. Literally. Go get a measuring tape, I'll wait. Yes, that big.

It looked like it would have hurt. A lot.

Myrrajh
11-02-2008, 10:26 AM
Nothing impressive from this one's sphincter, but I thought I was gonna wet myself laughing at these stories. Bravo!! :)

Baker
11-02-2008, 11:08 AM
As I always say in threads like this, I like to think I have a sophisticated sense of humor. But with jokes like that I groan or I chuckle.

This thread, and those like it(pimples, upchucking, etc.) make me laugh out loud. I actually ache from laughing in this one.

Shagnasty
11-02-2008, 11:09 AM
Our house was partially destroyed in 2004 and we had to live in a Residents Inn for 3 months while it was being fixed. Circumstances dictated that got almost no exercise during that time. A few days after we got back, it was hard labor time to fill in the rest of the work and take down a barn. I felt something odd happening and went to the bathroom. That dump was well above the water line which others have described. That was cool but it didn't prepare me for what was to come. Every couple of hours, there was a similar one. The total ended up being six that day with three being above the water line. I can't explain it except for the obvious joke.

The other was one that I experienced as a teenager that I named the cannonball. I was doing fine in the dump when I hit a trouble spot. I strained and strained. Suddenly, the fuse lit and this turd hit the water so hard that it created a tidal wave that hit my entire bottom, my clothes, and the floor. The sheer energy of that thing was amazing. I will always remember that one.

Antinor01
11-02-2008, 01:25 PM
Due to laxatives and a large quantity of fiber...I dropped about 5 pounds over several sessions in one day.

Jackmannii
11-02-2008, 09:34 PM
I have no dog in this fight (sorry) but am struck by the number of current threads in this forum that by title alone seem related to this one, and which would make for an interesting sequential threads display.

I refer (in part) to this thread (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?t=490715), this one (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?t=490753), this one (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?t=490760), this one (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?t=490815) and of course this one (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?t=490764).

Very, very strange. Truly the hive mind at work.

Jeep's Phoenix
11-02-2008, 09:52 PM
XD

I have nothing comparable to contribute, but I'm so glad I'm a member of this board.

Scylla
11-02-2008, 09:54 PM
I worked as a camp counselor back in the day. Kids weren't allowed to go into the cabins during activities. Apparently this one little fat kid by the name of "Adrian" (it's seared into my memory) had to go to the bathroom. Rather than break the rule about going into cabins he ran behind one.

Seeing the kid run behind a cabin I walked over to see what was going on. That kid had pinched out a meatloaf the size of my arm! It was just truly unbeleivabley large both in length and girth. As thick as my arm, no kidding (and I have guns.)

Never in my life had I ever even heard of anything like that.

That said, I have noticed something interesting. I have two daughters, one 4 and one 9. Sometimes they forget to flush. Their poops are huge compared to mine. In fact, poop diameter seems to peek at about 2-3 years of age and drop steadily.

Most of my poops do not come out intact, diameter-wise. They get extruded at a fixed diameter. Anything wider seems to get cut off and deposited during the finale, so to speak.

So, all my poops these days are at an unimpressive but perfectly uniform diameter.

I guess things just don't stretch like they used to.

even sven
11-03-2008, 04:59 AM
Most of the toilets in China don't have much standing water in them, so you really get to see the results of your work. Additionally, my diet of Chinese street food can lead to pretty wicked diarrhea.

One day I felt a little crampy and went for a poop. What came out resembled whipped cream and pretty much filled the toilet. I'm not too big of a girl and it's hard to imagine all that substance in my body. Completely amazing.

Smeghead
11-03-2008, 05:04 AM
On a slightly different note, I woke up one time in the middle of the night with the most intense pressure down below that I have ever felt in my entire life. I only had to walk about ten steps to the toilet, and I barely made it. I sat down and released a stream of pure liquid. It felt and sounded like I was peeing from my rectum. I was so shocked I eased up on the pressure and stopped for a second, unsure of what to do next. My body made that decision for me, and I proceeded to expel so much liquid that I can't believe the toilet didn't overflow. Then came the gas. Dear Og, the gas. Volume-wise, it had to be at least double the amount of liquid. I eventually managed to stagger back to bed, about ten pounds lighter, and get back to sleep, only to wake up an hour later and repeat the whole performance. I don't know what was wrong with that prime rib I'd had for dinner.

I'm now in a research lab working on cholera. I'm not sure if there's a connection there.

RickJay
11-03-2008, 05:23 AM
On a slightly different note, I woke up one time in the middle of the night with the most intense pressure down below that I have ever felt in my entire life. I only had to walk about ten steps to the toilet, and I barely made it. I sat down and released a stream of pure liquid. It felt and sounded like I was peeing from my rectum. I was so shocked I eased up on the pressure and stopped for a second, unsure of what to do next. My body made that decision for me, and I proceeded to expel so much liquid that I can't believe the toilet didn't overflow. Then came the gas. Dear Og, the gas. Volume-wise, it had to be at least double the amount of liquid. I eventually managed to stagger back to bed, about ten pounds lighter, and get back to sleep, only to wake up an hour later and repeat the whole performance. I don't know what was wrong with that prime rib I'd had for dinner.
Did you have a Caesar salad with your prime rib, by any chance? For some reason, whenever we go out and I have a steak or prime rib with a Caesar salad, there's rectal horror later in the evening.

MsRobyn
11-03-2008, 07:53 AM
On a slightly different note, I woke up one time in the middle of the night with the most intense pressure down below that I have ever felt in my entire life. I only had to walk about ten steps to the toilet, and I barely made it. I sat down and released a stream of pure liquid. It felt and sounded like I was peeing from my rectum. I was so shocked I eased up on the pressure and stopped for a second, unsure of what to do next. My body made that decision for me, and I proceeded to expel so much liquid that I can't believe the toilet didn't overflow. Then came the gas. Dear Og, the gas. Volume-wise, it had to be at least double the amount of liquid. I eventually managed to stagger back to bed, about ten pounds lighter, and get back to sleep, only to wake up an hour later and repeat the whole performance. I don't know what was wrong with that prime rib I'd had for dinner.

I'm now in a research lab working on cholera. I'm not sure if there's a connection there.

This past April, I spent a week not having a lot of fun. I'd had constipation and bloating that culminated in sour stomach the night of a formal dinner that I couldn't miss. My appetite was gone; I managed to eat maybe half of an otherwise excellent lamb dinner, followed by a few bites of the Hotel Hershey's can't-miss chocolate pie.

The following morning, I had what you've just described, plus I threw up. Throwing up red meat sucks on many, many levels. But once I expelled whatever it was that was making me sick, I was fine.

Robin

drm
11-03-2008, 08:27 AM
Back in university I went through a period where I was addicted to Bran Buds. I was insanely regular but for one reason or another I missed a few days. Around this time I was also eating REALLY healthy while still powerlifting which means I was eating INSANE amounts of healthy food.

One winter morning I woke up around 9 and could feel that my drought was about to end. This didn't come out as a log, rather a large pile. The pile was a solid 3 inches above the water. When I was finished I looked down and was scared to flush because I couldn't think of any conceivable way it'd flush. Somehow it did?

bbs2k
11-03-2008, 09:13 AM
Not me... my cat.

I was once punished when I was about 10 years old for shitting in the litter box. Only I never shit in the litter box. My cat framed me because my parent's couldn't believe that a twelve pound cat could possibly lay out that big of a shit.



Fuckin' cat.

Dung Beetle
11-03-2008, 09:34 AM
Not me... my cat.

I was once punished when I was about 10 years old for shitting in the litter box. Only I never shit in the litter box. My cat framed me because my parent's couldn't believe that a twelve pound cat could possibly lay out that big of a shit.



Fuckin' cat.

Jim, is that you!?

Ive told this one before (and oh how I wish I could write like some of you people can), but one night after dinner when I was about fourteen, my brother and I were doing the dishes when I felt the urge. I ran to the bathroom and created a masterpiece. I was dying to show it off, but who would ever come look? I looked down at our tiny new kitten and suddenly had an inspiration.
When I returned to the kitchen I told my brother that the litterbox in the bathroom needed cleaning and I didnt feel like doing it, so Id finish the dishes if hed take care of it. A few moments later, the family heard him scream, and I knew hed unearthed my prize.
I took a few moments to compose myself and by the time I got to the bathroom, Mom was just hollering at the poor boy to confess that hed done it because otherwise she needed to get that cat to the vet. He was cracking up so I guess he wasnt too upset.

Annie-Xmas
11-03-2008, 09:48 AM
On a slightly different note, I woke up one time in the middle of the night with the most intense pressure down below that I have ever felt in my entire life. I only had to walk about ten steps to the toilet, and I barely made it. I sat down and released a stream of pure liquid. It felt and sounded like I was peeing from my rectum. I was so shocked I eased up on the pressure and stopped for a second, unsure of what to do next. My body made that decision for me, and I proceeded to expel so much liquid that I can't believe the toilet didn't overflow. Then came the gas. Dear Og, the gas. Volume-wise, it had to be at least double the amount of liquid. I eventually managed to stagger back to bed, about ten pounds lighter, and get back to sleep, only to wake up an hour later and repeat the whole performance. I don't know what was wrong with that prime rib I'd had for dinner.



I had a similar experience only I was at work and the liquid was filled with little pieces of poop about the size of BBs. It happened three times, filling up the bowl twice each time.

I don't have a clue what cause it.

nd_n8
11-03-2008, 10:37 AM
I've had a few bowl bursters in my time; close to 3" in diameter and around 20" long, and I regularly drop the man sized bricks anyway. But my contribution is not a particularly solid one. As mentioned I usually crap bigger than most small dogs, but at one point in my life I had some difficulty going at all. After about a week or so I couldn't take it any more and started swallowing stool softeners. A couple days later I switched to Ex-Lax. Finally the dam burst and relief was soon to come.

The poops were about the consistancy of heavy pudding or sour cream (maybe just a little thicker than both but certainly not chunky) and displaced all of the water in the bowl by about 3 inches. My estimate was about 5 - 6 liters of crap (somewhere between 2 1/2 and 3 two liter bottles worth). I felt pretty good after that.

History Geek
11-03-2008, 10:46 AM
My smallest boy is prone to blockage. After an extended bout, he finally managed to clear a load that was frightening. A solid 7.5" x 2" monster. He was only 2 years old. Since his mother was at the store when he finally delivered this beast-turd, I documented it CSI-style: I stetched a tape measure beside the diaper and photographed it.

I was going to post the pic on my blog, but the wife forbade it in the interest of the common good (taste, that is). The Micro Geek was justifiably proud of his work and spent a couple days telling anyone who would listen about his "giant poop."

tr0psn4j
11-03-2008, 02:08 PM
This must be one of the shittiest threads on here.

I actually couldn't finish reading this whole thread before I had to run to the bathroom to take a poop. Coincidentally, this shit wasn't a light weight. I had this piercing pain at work so I ran to my car and drove to my house to use the clean toilet. I live a mile from work so I have to luxury of doing that. Anyway, I made it just in time. It started off nice, thick and steady. I survived the first assault and flushed the toilet. Immediately after the flush, it starts coming out again. Except this time it sounds like tiny firecrackers followed by a steady stream of liquid that manages to splash EVERYWHERE. Along with the liquid poo comes this horrible stench. First I notice it, then it makes me cough. I think i have the smell under control but the next burst of liquid poo made me gag. I immediately reached back and flushed the toilet for the second time. Finally, the ordeal was over. I wiped, came back to work and all is good with the world. For now...


That wasn't the story I had intended on telling though. A few years ago, I went camping for the first time ever. It was during the Memorial Day long weekend. Anyway, I found it a little awkward and disgusting to use the campsite facilities for number twos. I managed to hold it in from the Thursday evening I got to Mammoth until Monday Evening when I got back. Holy shit! I was literally feeling sick from keeping it inside of me for that long. I can't describe it too well but I'm fairly convinced I spent half an hour in the bathroom shitting.

Enright3
11-03-2008, 03:48 PM
All this and no link to http:// rate my poo dot com?

I'm kind of disappointed in you guys!

scout1222
11-03-2008, 04:14 PM
Post #13, buddy.

KneadToKnow
11-03-2008, 04:36 PM
[Ron White]
You ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better?
[/Ron White]

Troy McClure SF
11-03-2008, 06:10 PM
Ah, after spending the past two months biting my nails in GD Election threads, it's nice to come back and return to my SDMB roots.

Enright3
11-03-2008, 07:49 PM
Post #13, buddy.

Hey Scout, I'm glad I'm your buddy!

regarding post 13: "oops, I guess I missed that"

Tristan
11-03-2008, 08:47 PM
Ah, after spending the past two months biting my nails in GD Election threads, it's nice to come back and return to my SDMB roots.


I hope you washed your hands.

laughingboy
11-03-2008, 09:08 PM
I'm surprised nobody has yet brought up Michelle Hines' "World Record #4: Peristaltic Action." It's literally a work of art (i.e., fake), but it certainly deserves honorable mention.

Here is the artist's description:

In February 1995, working in conjunction with nutritionists at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, I adopted a super fiber-rich diet which allowed me to successfully produce a single extruded excrement the exact length of my colon: 26 feet. I documented the extrusion at the Cranbrook-Kingswood High School Bowling Alley, Bloomfield Hills, MI, which offered a length of floor suitable for the process and measuring the results. The cathartic diet was supplemented by a high intake of Metamucil fiber substance. The weeklong endurance prior to the event was ensured by the employment of a plug specifically designed to curtail any premature excretions.

If you want to see the pictures or the video, you'll have to google for them yourself.

chowder
11-04-2008, 01:43 AM
Surprised that nobody has asked why a turd is tapered.

It's to stop your arsehole closing with a clang

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