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View Full Version : Those warnings on massage oil bottles aren't kidding. TMI


MissIntent
01-27-2009, 10:27 PM
So, several months ago, while walking toward the cashier at the grocery store, I pass the personal products display and see a box of 6 sample size KY bottles. "How cute!" I think, "How fun!" I buy them, take them home to boyfriend. When I get home I inspect them closer and am sad to see that actually only one is a personal lubricant, the other 5 are massage oils, some regular, some warming, but all say "Not For Use As Personal Lubricant". Bummer, but that's ok, massages are fun.

Fast forward to last night... Boyfriend and I hit a party, come home late with him a bit tipsy... Lights off, fooling around... I pause and ask him to grab some lube. He says sure, drunkenly grabs one of the little bottles, pours it into his hands, and rubs it onto me and himself. Approximately a second passes and I'm running naked to the bathroom, yelping in pain. I stand there splashing water on myself for 5 minutes, when I come out he's going "Aaaaaahhhh my dick is burning!!!"

Totally killed the mood. We gave up and went to sleep.

I examined the bottle this morning. Apparently he grabbed a bottle of warming massage oil, the one that says "Not For Use As A Personal Lubricant." They weren't kidding.

SciFiSam
01-27-2009, 10:39 PM
Heh, excellent.

Another username-thread topic perfect match.

I hope you've moved the massage oils to a different place now!

kittenblue
01-27-2009, 11:02 PM
Holy crap. I need to check my bottle....hang on......



Ok. Mine is the 2-in-1 Warming body massage AND personal lubricant....whew. But the guy said it was a bit ouchy, so we never used it again. Good thing it was a $1 sample bottle..

fachverwirrt
01-27-2009, 11:06 PM
Also, eucalyptus oil is mildly anesthetic. Massage oil followed by foreplay can often lead to a numb tongue, and numb... other things.

Weirdest sensation ever.

Beware of Doug
01-27-2009, 11:22 PM
I burning your dick?

mswas
01-27-2009, 11:25 PM
That's why the pros (Massage Therapists not Whores) often use very neutral massage oils. You never know what will irritate a person's skin. ;)

devilsknew
01-28-2009, 02:19 AM
I once masturbated with baby oil and had sex shortly after with an early girlfriend. Penis ensued and she was in discomfort and pain.She asked me what was different and I confessed to the mineral oil, totally ignorant of the pain that it might cause. I didn't realize. Stinging was the last I intended. I felt so bad, but learned something.... (helll, I was 18.)

devilsknew
01-28-2009, 02:22 AM
Unfortunately, she was more pissed off over the fact that I had masturbated earlier, over the pain.

Maastricht
01-28-2009, 03:29 AM
That's the least of it. Massage oils and condoms don't mix. Oil breaks down the latex a condom is made of. This is something many people just don't know, and it has probably casued many unwanted pregnancies. It is after all a quite likely scenario: having foreplay with some massage oil, applying hands with oil on them to a penis, then putting on a condom. Common scenario, but it increses the chance of a broken condom a hundredfold. I really wish Mythbusters would make an item of this.

Richard Pearse
01-28-2009, 05:40 AM
Unfortunately, she was more pissed off over the fact that I had masturbated earlier, over the pain.
You didn't tell her it was to desensitise yourself so you could spend longer on her and give her more pleasure?

Westrogothia
01-28-2009, 07:27 AM
Chilipeppers and cunnilingus.
It burns us it burnnnnsss.

so much for chili and choclate beeing "erotic" food.

Hypno-Toad
01-28-2009, 09:44 AM
It doesn't even have to be during sex. I learned the hard way that I had not sufficiently washed the habaneros off my hands when I went to take a pee and quickly ended up in the shower.

E-Sabbath
01-28-2009, 10:05 AM
http://itswalky.com/comics/20090124icyhot.gif
As it happens...

Solfy
01-28-2009, 10:14 AM
Holy crap. I need to check my bottle....hang on......



Ok. Mine is the 2-in-1 Warming body massage AND personal lubricant....whew. But the guy said it was a bit ouchy, so we never used it again. Good thing it was a $1 sample bottle..

Yeah, I can't recommend that stuff. (dubbed "burning lube of death" in our household)

EpicNonsense
01-28-2009, 10:24 AM
http://itswalky.com/comics/20090124icyhot.gif
As it happens...

That's nothing..

http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showpost.php?p=10377979&postcount=1

And I later found I nearly cheated death (http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/19144600/).

Won't be doing that again.

MissIntent
01-28-2009, 10:42 AM
That's the least of it. Massage oils and condoms don't mix. Oil breaks down the latex a condom is made of. This is something many people just don't know, and it has probably casued many unwanted pregnancies. It is after all a quite likely scenario: having foreplay with some massage oil, applying hands with oil on them to a penis, then putting on a condom. Common scenario, but it increses the chance of a broken condom a hundredfold. I really wish Mythbusters would make an item of this.

Fortunately, I do know that. Oddly enough, the sex ed class I had to take in Florida of all places taught us that much. I educated several friends when I returned to Texas.

We're not using condoms however, so we have the opportunity to use oil if we want...

The Great Sun Jester
01-28-2009, 11:00 AM
( OP )Same stuff, similar story. Except she thought it was a hell of an enhancement and I was...well, I was a man about it at the time as she seemed to be enjoying it, but yow! I kept looking down to make sure there weren't really flames shooting out of the coupling.

Debon Err
01-28-2009, 11:05 AM
What can I say? I liked it.

Duke
01-28-2009, 11:11 AM
It doesn't even have to be during sex. I learned the hard way that I had not sufficiently washed the habaneros off my hands when I went to take a pee and quickly ended up in the shower.

Don't take your contacts out after handling habaneros, either. DAMN that was bad.

Hypno-Toad
01-28-2009, 11:24 AM
Don't take your contacts out after handling habaneros, either. DAMN that was bad.

Oh I've had that experience too.

Indyellen
01-28-2009, 11:25 AM
Accidental application of Tiger Balm (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiger_balm) (red variety) to mucous membranes is no picnic either.

:cue fetal position:

Cat Fight
01-28-2009, 11:26 AM
That's the least of it. Massage oils and condoms don't mix. Oil breaks down the latex a condom is made of. This is something many people just don't know, and it has probably casued many unwanted pregnancies. It is after all a quite likely scenario: having foreplay with some massage oil, applying hands with oil on them to a penis, then putting on a condom. Common scenario, but it increses the chance of a broken condom a hundredfold. I really wish Mythbusters would make an item of this.

Yes! It's shocking how many people still don't know this, and just assume that if something's sold by the condoms it's a-ok. I won't even keep anything oil-based in my goodie drawer. And anything sugar-based, or that has been coated in anything sugar-based, can't go near my genitals (that's basically how thrush and UTIs are made). If every inch of it's got to be licked off, so be it.

Cat Fight
01-28-2009, 11:34 AM
Oh, and also, mangoes or highly acidic fruit. Not a great pre-coital snack.

lobotomyboy63
01-28-2009, 11:48 AM
Approximately a second passes and I'm running naked to the bathroom, yelping in pain.

[Johnny Cash]Love is a burning thing[/Johnny Cash]

I stand there splashing water on myself for 5 minutes...

[Johnny Cash]And it makes a fiery ring[/Johnny Cash]

...when I come out he's going "Aaaaaahhhh my dick is burning!!!"

[Johnny Cash]And it burns burns burns....[/Johnny Cash]


Sorry for your experience, but dayum, it made me laugh! :D

Yamirskoonir
01-28-2009, 03:26 PM
Dude, this SO happened to my co-worker, except replace "warming massage oil" with "hand sanitizer."

YEOWCH!

Needless to say, she doesn't keep the sanitizer in the bedroom dresser any longer.

RedWood
01-28-2009, 03:33 PM
[Johnny Cash]Love is a burning thing...[/Johnny Cash]

I am SO glad I'm not the only one who thought of that! :D

Man With a Cat
01-28-2009, 03:41 PM
Only a mild hijack: A colleague's daughter discovered she had a previously unknown latex allergy by calling her mom from the campus health service when she broke out in rashes, in a couple different places.

Notably her genitalia and the mucous membranes in and around her mouth.

Interestingly, I think that's also when she found out that her little girl was doing such things.

Rigamarole
01-28-2009, 03:51 PM
You didn't tell her it was to desensitise yourself so you could spend longer on her and give her more pleasure?

Now my girlfriend doesn't want me masturbating at all because she heard about the recent study linking masturbation to prostate cancer. :rolleyes:

MissIntent
01-28-2009, 04:39 PM
Sorry for your experience, but dayum, it made me laugh! :D

As soon as it stopped hurting, I was laughing too. And then shared it with everyone I knew the next day...

schnuckiputzi
01-28-2009, 06:50 PM
Personally, we like the warming stuff, but the cool sensation stuff feels like my pink girly bits have been numbed with Novocain.

WhyNot
01-28-2009, 07:23 PM
Only a mild hijack: A colleague's daughter discovered she had a previously unknown latex allergy by calling her mom from the campus health service when she broke out in rashes, in a couple different places.

Notably her genitalia and the mucous membranes in and around her mouth.

Interestingly, I think that's also when she found out that her little girl was doing such things.

I'd be thrilled that my daughter (well, or my son, I suppose) was using condoms for oral sex! I have to admit, I'm a stickler for safe vaginal and anal, but even I don't bother with condoms for oral...

As for things that don't get left on the nightstand any longer, that list for me would include tea tree oil (GAH! not so bad in the moment, but chemical burns ensue) and that lotion with salicylic acid designed to soften rough dry heels overnight (YIE-IE-IE-IE!!!)

Rysdad
01-28-2009, 08:45 PM
... that lotion with salicylic acid designed to soften rough dry heels overnight (YIE-IE-IE-IE!!!)

Well, salicylic acid is also used for wart removal...

SeaDragonTattoo
01-28-2009, 08:56 PM
Oh, and also, mangoes or highly acidic fruit. Not a great pre-coital snack.

Oh, yeah. Learned the hard way that oranges are not a fruit to "play" with in bed. Didn't bother him too much, but me! OOOWWWW

Telperien
01-28-2009, 09:22 PM
Fortunately, I do know that. Oddly enough, the sex ed class I had to take in Florida of all places taught us that much. I educated several friends when I returned to Texas.

We're not using condoms however, so we have the opportunity to use oil if we want...

Oils are also inadvisable to use on the female genitalia because they're nearly impossible to wash out and can lead to infections. It's OK to use them on the clitoris and such, but you don't want them getting inside you.

lobotomyboy63
01-28-2009, 09:26 PM
As soon as it stopped hurting, I was laughing too. And then shared it with everyone I knew the next day...

"Aaaaaahhhh my dick is burning!!!" is what put me over the edge. Wasn't it in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" that Yosemite Sam gets shot in the ass and bounces around screaming "My biscuits are burning!!!"?

Nicolas Bourbaki
01-29-2009, 12:22 AM
http://itswalky.com/comics/20090124icyhot.gif
As it happens...

Indeed. (http://i32.tinypic.com/287kffd.jpg)

ShelliBean
01-29-2009, 12:38 AM
Oh, yeah. Learned the hard way that oranges are not a fruit to "play" with in bed. Didn't bother him too much, but me! OOOWWWW

You should try a smaller one. But you do have a leg up on the old ping pong ball trick...

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