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View Full Version : Oh no! I've become that douche at Starbucks with the complicated drink


DiosaBellissima
07-27-2011, 01:16 PM
I don't know how it happened, you guys. I mean, I used to be a straight-off-the-menu kind of girl, but slowly- over time- my order just got longer and longer.

Early on, I realized I am a mocha fan, so my order started as: tall mocha. Easy. Clean. No fuss.

But I quickly grew to realize that the whipped cream is gross and just waters down the drink. No dice. So, my order became: tall, no whip mocha.

And then I realized that I was getting incredibly itchy every time I got Starbucks. Oops- I had forgotten my milk allergy, duh. :smack: I'm not lactose intolerant, but I am allergic to milk fat. While whole milk makes me break out in hives, non fat milk usually doesn't do much to me (once in a while it'll give me a tiny itch, but nothing ridiculous). So, my order became: tall, non fat, no whip mocha.

At this point, I should explain why I'm not just ordering a "skinny mocha" (non fat milk, light syrup. no whip), as that would be much easier than the mouthful I've got. Well, Starbucks doesn't make skinny mochas because they are a bunch of douche canoes. And there are no other coffee places near my work. Oh, and I suck at making my own stuff at home. I used to try ordering a "skinny mocha" at Starbucks, but the girl would get really confused (like a sweet puppy with its ears perked and head tilted) and say, "We don't. . . have that. The best I can do is non fat milk and no whip, but that's like, all we've got." Which, I mean, that's what I want, but it's faster to just say "non fat, no whip mocha."

Now that it's summer, my order is perpetually met with, "Do you want that hot or iced?" So, in order to head off that question, my order became: hot, tall, non fat, no whip mocha.

But then I realized I require something stronger, so I have adjusted my order to: hot, double, tall, non fat, no whip mocha.

I'm one "half skim double soy 2 pump" or something from being a complete douchebag. And I feel dirty about it.


At least my coffee's tasty. :D

Leaffan
07-27-2011, 01:20 PM
That's funny!

Alice The Goon
07-27-2011, 01:23 PM
But don't you find that the hot is just too hot? I think you should add "at 145 degrees", like I do. :D

Sigmagirl
07-27-2011, 01:25 PM
In a dirty glass.

DiosaBellissima
07-27-2011, 01:29 PM
But don't you find that the hot is just too hot? I think you should add "at 145 degrees", like I do. :D

I always laugh when I'm at the Starbucks by our Las Vegas office, as it's in a business complex and you should see how complicated all the corporate douchers get with their heat specificity.



"I said EXTRA HOT. This is just hot. I need EXTRA HOT." *hands it back*

The barrista fixes the drink and hands it back.

"THIS IS STILL NOT HOT ENOUGH, IT NEEDS TO BE HOTTER OK?"

Sir, if you want molten magma for your morning beverage, well, you're going to need to invest in some form of drill to the Earth's core or something.

inkling
07-27-2011, 01:36 PM
My favorite coffee order that I placed was also in Las Vegas. It had been one of those nights, and was thus being one of those mornings. I walked into Starbucks and said to the counterperson, "I need a big, ugly coffee." She seems to have known what I meant, because she turned around and poured me a very large cup of strong drip. It was perfect.

Rand Rover
07-27-2011, 01:44 PM
Yeah, me too. :( Grande soy no-whip two-pump mocha (and I pronounce the "whip" like Stewie Griffin (ok, not really)).

But at least neither of us do the "little bit" of this or "just a tad" of that--that's super-douche territory.

DiosaBellissima
07-27-2011, 01:45 PM
My favorite coffee order that I placed was also in Las Vegas. It had been one of those nights, and was thus being one of those mornings. I walked into Starbucks and said to the counterperson, "I need a big, ugly coffee." She seems to have known what I meant, because she turned around and poured me a very large cup of strong drip. It was perfect.

Ha! One time, I was doing an over night drive and was already exhausted, so I stumbled into Starbucks and said, "I need caffeine. Lots. Like, a 10000 shot mocha or something,. Lay it on me." The guy laughed and said, "Ok, but is it ok if I put some other syrup in there to cover it up? Otherwise it's going to taste like camel spit." :p:D

I swear to God, I took one sip of whatever he made me (it was in a venti cup) and it felt like a lightning bolt shot through me.


Yeah, me too. :( Grande soy no-whip two-pump mocha (and I pronounce the "whip" like Stewie Griffin (ok, not really)).

I don't know what I would do if I heard someone at Starbucks saying whip like Stewie. It would probably make my life though- that much I know.

Living Well Is Best Revenge
07-27-2011, 01:48 PM
I have a prejudice against men who order douchy coffee drinks. The OPs order is fine in my eyes for a woman. But if I am in line and a guy ordered it, I would probably roll my eyes and sigh loudly.

Dogzilla
07-27-2011, 02:21 PM
I was right there with you until you asserted that Starbuck's coffee is tasty. And then your words ceased making sense. I think Starbucks tastes like ass, no matter where I get it. The coffee tastes like the beans were burnt and then the coffee is made too weak, so everything ends up tasting like vaguely burnt coffee flavored water. Bleargh. Dunkin Donuts has great coffee if there's one near you. Just sayin'.

Man With a Cat
07-27-2011, 02:44 PM
Coffee Dork

I don't even order anymore, they see me and start the venti mocha.

Mona Lisa Simpson
07-27-2011, 02:47 PM
Damn you

I am right at the end of a migraine event and at the must... have...caffeine...and lots of it, stage, and my boss drove me home so I don't have a car. The coffee we do have at home sucks ass, and the Starbucks in the Safeway is maybe a half hour walk.

Right now I want a hot triple soy venti mocha no whip. Maybe with a shot of hazelnut in it. And god damn it I want some really hard biscotti that costs more than the average daily wages in the developing world on the side.

Then I will probably go order lunch like Sally with everything on the side, pay with pennies and ... um... there must be other douchey high_maintenance things a gal on a sick day can do.

Vinyl Turnip
07-27-2011, 03:31 PM
I always get a short coffee. Maybe we balance each other out.

Claire Beauchamp
07-27-2011, 03:42 PM
Hmmm ... my Starbucks sells Skinny Mochas ...

In any event, I don't have a problem with specific orders. You want what you want. What's NOT ok is being rude about it, as the lava-desiring customer described was.

In the winter I want a hot drink, but I don't like it as hot as they normally make it. So, on the advice of a barista, I specify 140 degrees, which is their "kid's temperature." Why shouldn't I get something I can drink right away?

My issue in the summer is that I don't need (or want to pay for) a latte or whatever to get coffee + lots of milk. In the winter I can order a cafe misto, which is their term for cafe au lait. In the summer, when I prefer iced, I have to ask for a grande iced in a venti cup, and explain that I DON'T want it packed with ice because I want lots of room to add milk. You see, they don't have a button on the register for an "iced cafe misto" ... grr.

DiosaBellissima
07-27-2011, 03:47 PM
I was right there with you until you asserted that Starbuck's coffee is tasty. And then your words ceased making sense. I think Starbucks tastes like ass, no matter where I get it. The coffee tastes like the beans were burnt and then the coffee is made too weak, so everything ends up tasting like vaguely burnt coffee flavored water. Bleargh. Dunkin Donuts has great coffee if there's one near you. Just sayin'.

Here's my issue: I get a mocha (it's my favorite thing) and most places that aren't Starbucks put WAY. TOO MUCH. MILK. in it. Like, way way way too much. Obscenely so. It always ends up tasting like chocolate milk. So, while Starbucks might be bitterish, at least their bitter espresso actually tastes like espresso when mixed with the milk. That's why I favor them.

DD milk to espresso ratio is all off. Well, either that or their caffeine juice is too weak to be mixed with the milk. Panera doesn't do an awful mocha, but it's not amazing either. Surprisingly, the absolute best mocha I've ever had the pleasure of chugging was last week in Fiji of all places. Mmmm, delicious.

Damn you

I am right at the end of a migraine event and at the must... have...caffeine...and lots of it, stage, and my boss drove me home so I don't have a car. The coffee we do have at home sucks ass, and the Starbucks in the Safeway is maybe a half hour walk.

Right now I want a hot triple soy venti mocha no whip. Maybe with a shot of hazelnut in it. And god damn it I want some really hard biscotti that costs more than the average daily wages in the developing world on the side.

Then I will probably go order lunch like Sally with everything on the side, pay with pennies and ... um... there must be other douchey high_maintenance things a gal on a sick day can do.

Ha! You know, every once in a while, when I can't get my own coffee for whatever reason, I whine about it on Facebook and - inevitably- one of my nice friends will surprise me with coffee. Hey, it's worth a shot! :)


I always get a short coffee. Maybe we balance each other out.

Thank you, sir. You and my father (who orders a plain drip black coffee) are working to right the douche levels of the world. And for that? The rest of us thank you.


Hmmm ... my Starbucks sells Skinny Mochas ...

SNIP

My issue in the summer is that I don't need (or want to pay for) a latte or whatever to get coffee + lots of milk. In the winter I can order a cafe misto, which is their term for cafe au lait. In the summer, when I prefer iced, I have to ask for a grande iced in a venti cup, and explain that I DON'T want it packed with ice because I want lots of room to add milk. You see, they don't have a button on the register for an "iced cafe misto" ... grr.


I've regularly go to Starbucks in two different states, four major metropolitan areas and none of them offer a skinny mocha. The reason is that Starbucks stopped making their "skinny" chocolate syrup a while ago. Are you *sure* it's an actual skinny mocha? They make skinny caramel and stuff, but not mocha. . . fuckers. Trust me, I've done serious research on this matter :D.

And how odd that they don't just register in "cafe misto" then *make it* in an iced cup. They're usually pretty accommodating about things.

Scarlett67
07-27-2011, 03:53 PM
Poor Mr. S. After I order my tall nonfat no-whip chai latte, he orders his tall vanilla latte. And he always, ALWAYS gets asked if his latte should be nonfat too. JUst because I'm a douche.

Once in a while I also ask for extra-hot, if I'm planning not to drink it right away (such as when I'm on my way to Weight Watchers to get weighed in). Extra douche points.

leftfield6
07-27-2011, 04:00 PM
This male Venti non-fat hazelnut latte orderer has no issues with your douchery.

Gold Level perks here, baby!!

ZipperJJ
07-27-2011, 04:01 PM
I don't drink coffee.

(Sorry, I just came from reading the "SDMB Annoyances (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?t=617729)" thread and that was my first reaction to reading this thread. It was the most douchey moment I've ever experienced in my life and I will never do it again. Although it was fun so I might.)

StGermain
07-27-2011, 04:13 PM
Can I have a Coke, please?

I've never actually ordered anything in a Starbucks. Coffee is the ick.

StG

DiosaBellissima
07-27-2011, 04:33 PM
I don't drink coffee.

(Sorry, I just came from reading the "SDMB Annoyances (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?t=617729)" thread and that was my first reaction to reading this thread. It was the most douchey moment I've ever experienced in my life and I will never do it again. Although it was fun so I might.)

Can I have a Coke, please?

I've never actually ordered anything in a Starbucks. Coffee is the ick.

StG

Please tell me you were just being witty along with ZipperJJ. . . otherwise, those two posts in a row are hysterical.

Dogzilla
07-27-2011, 04:37 PM
Here's my issue: I get a mocha (it's my favorite thing) and most places that aren't Starbucks put WAY. TOO MUCH. MILK. in it. Like, way way way too much. Obscenely so. It always ends up tasting like chocolate milk. So, while Starbucks might be bitterish, at least their bitter espresso actually tastes like espresso when mixed with the milk. That's why I favor them.

DD milk to espresso ratio is all off. Well, either that or their caffeine juice is too weak to be mixed with the milk. Panera doesn't do an awful mocha, but it's not amazing either. Surprisingly, the absolute best mocha I've ever had the pleasure of chugging was last week in Fiji of all places. Mmmm, delicious.

I did take note of your comment that you don't make your own coffee, but that has been my solution to this problem. I agree -- there's often far too much milk, and not enough umph in coffee. I use Gevalia in a french press and if I need mocha, then it gets a little squirt of Hershey's extra dark choco syrup. The other bonus to making my own is there is an ample supply of Kaluha and Bailey's at my house, neither of which I can get out at any of the places we've mentioned. ;)

If I'm on a road trip or something, I'll take whatever I can get to get caffeine, grimacing and bitching the entire time I'm drinking my substandard, burnt, tastes-like-ass coffee. Hey, it beats a kick in the head.

StGermain
07-27-2011, 04:38 PM
Well, not exactly, although it did occur to me (5 minutes and 1 second after I hit enter) that my post may sound douchy. Can you get Coke at Starbucks?

If you go to Sonic you can tell them you want a chocolate/cherry/coke with light ice.

StG

typoink
07-27-2011, 04:40 PM
I was right there with you until you asserted that Starbuck's coffee is tasty. And then your words ceased making sense. I think Starbucks tastes like ass, no matter where I get it. The coffee tastes like the beans were burnt and then the coffee is made too weak, so everything ends up tasting like vaguely burnt coffee flavored water. Bleargh. Dunkin Donuts has great coffee if there's one near you. Just sayin'.

Wait, what? I can understand coffee snobs putting down Starbucks, since their standard fare is overroasted and usually uninteresting, and their espresso drinks are generally mediocre.

I can't fathom complaining about Starbucks and praising Dunkin. Dunkin's coffee is drinkable, but it's bland and thin. The Pike Place Roast as Starbucks is handily better.

Mtgman
07-27-2011, 04:51 PM
I'm sorry, but I have to take the cake here. My order at Starbucks is by far douchier than yours. It completely throws the barista off their game and makes them leave their station and go to another one where they have to work with equipment they don't touch often and sometimes open specialized containers to fulfil.
I order water.Enjoy,
Steven

DiosaBellissima
07-27-2011, 04:54 PM
I'm sorry, but I have to take the cake here. My order at Starbucks is by far douchier than yours. It completely throws the barista off their game and makes them leave their station and go to another one where they have to work with equipment they don't touch often and sometimes open specialized containers to fulfil.
I order water.Enjoy,
Steven

Strange. I get that all the time at Starbucks. They fill an iced, venti cup with ice and your special liquid, then hand it right over to me.

Mtgman
07-27-2011, 04:59 PM
At mine they go get a plastic cup, go to the ice machine in the back of the bar, then open a fridge with gallon bottles to pour from. The straws are on the opposite side too. Other Starbucks may be laid out better, but it's quite the production at the one I occasionally visit.

Enjoy,
Steven

Jamaika a jamaikaiaké
07-27-2011, 04:59 PM
Does anyone else find that Starbucks finds a way to mess up a simple order surprisingly often? Or is this just for us tea drinkers?

The thing is that they have really good black tea. In fact, it's hard to find the strong shit I like in the US except for at Starbucks. I usually get "tall awake tea with lots of room." (I put in a lot of whole milk) It's just a bag and water in a cup. Easy?

1. They fill it up all the way and then pour out some of the water. This dilutes my poison.

2. They put 12 ounces in a grande (16oz) cup instead of 8 ounces in a tall (12oz) cup. ("This way you get more room!") This dilutes my poison.

3. They just fill it all the way. Then I proceed to dilute my own poison and drench their garbage so I can drink my poison with milkfat.

Appendix. I don't need 2 cups and a sleeve thingy. Especially back when there was a staple in the teabag paper which the barrista would inevitably put between the cups so that I couldn't remove the bag without spilling precious poison all over myself.

Claire Beauchamp
07-27-2011, 05:06 PM
I've regularly go to Starbucks in two different states, four major metropolitan areas and none of them offer a skinny mocha. The reason is that Starbucks stopped making their "skinny" chocolate syrup a while ago. Are you *sure* it's an actual skinny mocha? They make skinny caramel and stuff, but not mocha. . . fuckers. Trust me, I've done serious research on this matter :D.

Hmmm ... when I was last at my SB a week and a half ago, it was still on the menu board. I'll look when I go in on Sunday.

CrazyCatLady
07-27-2011, 05:27 PM
I can't fathom complaining about Starbucks and praising Dunkin. Dunkin's coffee is drinkable, but it's bland and thin. The Pike Place Roast as Starbucks is handily better.

It depends on what you like in coffee.

In specific, I think it depends on how strongly you taste bitter and/or acidic flavors. I pick them up a lot more strongly than other people seem to, to the point that one of Starbucks's candy-bar-in-a-cup drinks is still undrinkably bitter and acidic to me. Those aspects are so strong they cover up all the actual, you know, coffee flavors. DD coffee isn't great, but what you perceive as blandness comes through to me as a refreshing mildness that lets me really taste the coffee.

chiroptera
07-27-2011, 05:34 PM
LOL.

Quad shot grande caramel sauce latte, light on the caramel sauce.
I sort of hate myself sometimes for being the sort of douche who asks for - nay, demands (I'll return it if it isn't done right) - a complex, foo-foo Starbucks confection.
But there you go. I like it, it's an occasional indulgence, I can live with being a douchebag sometimes.

I also am picky about the coffee I buy for home use - Starbucks Sumatra, or from Peace Coffee or Freeds. Dunkin Donuts and Tim Hortons.....e

aruvqan
07-27-2011, 05:51 PM
I did take note of your comment that you don't make your own coffee, but that has been my solution to this problem. I agree -- there's often far too much milk, and not enough umph in coffee. I use Gevalia in a french press and if I need mocha, then it gets a little squirt of Hershey's extra dark choco syrup. The other bonus to making my own is there is an ample supply of Kaluha and Bailey's at my house, neither of which I can get out at any of the places we've mentioned. ;)

If I'm on a road trip or something, I'll take whatever I can get to get caffeine, grimacing and bitching the entire time I'm drinking my substandard, burnt, tastes-like-ass coffee. Hey, it beats a kick in the head.

I don't like drinking coffee away from home, mrAru makes it exactly the way I like it, with coffee that tastes good. Starcrap has burnt weak nasty shit brown water they call coffee. Everywhere else they want to put lots of nasty crap in it and pretty much anything is jaw-wrenchingly sweet.

We prefer to make our own coffee drinks. The [URL="http://mrcoffeecafefrappe.com/default.aspx"]cafe frapppe machine at home is also worlds cheaper.

I may not be able to drink coffee any more [gives me heart palpitations and hypers my BP up too high] but stash makes a decaf chai that is amazing when turned into a hot or cold chai latte. *And* i can use splenda in it. Chai lattes out in the world seem to always have way too much sugar in the syrup.

Idle Thoughts
07-27-2011, 07:27 PM
I'm going to pop this over to Cafe Society for you*

*Sorry, moving to CS with extra mocha, whipped moving not available.

MsWhich
07-27-2011, 07:32 PM
Venti nonfat sugar-free caramel latte with an extra shot. Please.

Snowboarder Bo
07-27-2011, 07:42 PM
I don't drink coffee at all, but the OP made me laugh.

Steophan
07-27-2011, 08:03 PM
I just want black coffee. In this sort of coffee shop, this can be harder than you imagine - I don't want an espresso with water! At least Starbucks has filter coffee, but I do sometimes get a surprised look for just wanting coffee...

gaffa
07-27-2011, 08:04 PM
In a dirty glass.
...with a hair in it.

The thing is that they have really good black tea. In fact, it's hard to find the strong shit I like in the US except for at Starbucks. I usually get "tall awake tea with lots of room." (I put in a lot of whole milk) It's just a bag and water in a cup. Easy?
No.

If they give you a mf'ing tea bag, they may as well spit in your face! It is as if they gave all their coffee customers Sanka.

Tea, lose or in a bag, needs to be hit with boiling water (some argue nearly boiling). Handing you anything less than brewed tea is a rip-off and an insult to one of the worlds great beverages.

MsWhich
07-27-2011, 08:09 PM
I just want black coffee. In this sort of coffee shop, this can be harder than you imagine - I don't want an espresso with water! At least Starbucks has filter coffee, but I do sometimes get a surprised look for just wanting coffee...

It's not hard at all to get black coffee at Starbucks. My brother-in-law drinks black coffee and has gone to Starbucks with me dozens of times. The exchange, nearly without fail, goes like this:

BIL: Grande black coffee please.

Barista: Grande black, that'll be $____. Have a nice day, sir.

antonio107
07-27-2011, 08:18 PM
I order just a large Latte. It seems to throw off the Baristas. :D

There was a phase when I had lost a little bit of weight from playing squash instead of eating lunch on my break (it's usually my smallest meal of the day anyway), so I decided to treat myself to a whole milk latte, as the God you may or may not believe in intended.

You have not LIVED until you've tried one of these. But this also seemed to be met with disgust with the baristas and my friends, who didn't like to see me drink foam thick enough to shave with...yeah, I'm a glutton, what can I say? ^___^

antonio107
07-27-2011, 08:19 PM
I just want black coffee. In this sort of coffee shop, this can be harder than you imagine - I don't want an espresso with water! At least Starbucks has filter coffee, but I do sometimes get a surprised look for just wanting coffee...

Yeah, if I just want coffee, it's a "Venti Pike Place (their house roast)." No chit chat, cash and carry. And I don't have to deal with the silly people and their double whipped soy milk, lol.

Steophan
07-27-2011, 08:31 PM
It's not hard at all to get black coffee at Starbucks. My brother-in-law drinks black coffee and has gone to Starbucks with me dozens of times. The exchange, nearly without fail, goes like this:

BIL: Grande black coffee please.

Barista: Grande black, that'll be $____. Have a nice day, sir.

Yeah, Starbucks is fine for it, but there's other coffee shops I've been to that only have espresso. But then, I'm in England where quality coffee isn't something most people care about...

(Not that espresso isn't quality coffee necessarily, it's just not my cup of, er, tea, so to speak).

pulykamell
07-27-2011, 08:35 PM
I just want black coffee. In this sort of coffee shop, this can be harder than you imagine - I don't want an espresso with water! At least Starbucks has filter coffee, but I do sometimes get a surprised look for just wanting coffee...

I drink at Starbucks far more often than I ever thought I would, but it's a convenient place for me to meet potential clients. I always order the same thing, either a grande or venti coffee, black. I have never received any sort of surprised look. There's never been any confusion. About all they ask is very, very occasionally (less than 10% of the time) they ask me what roast I want, but normally, since I don't specify, they correctly assume I want the Pike's Place.

And, you know what? For a long while (and still occasionally), I would just phrase my order as "medium black coffee" and I'd get exactly what I want. Nobody was confused that I didn't say "grande." Nobody was shocked that I didn't get an espresso drink. I was so disappointed because, coming from an independent coffeehouse background, I sooooo wanted to hate this place, and I wanted to join the pile-on blasting their supposed "$5 coffees" (not true) or being forced to use their silly size nomenclature. (Also not true. Shocker of shockers, the baristas are not, in fact, morons but actually do understand standard English orders.) I'm not a huge fan of their coffee or espresso, but they do a reasonable enough job, and I've always gotten good service there.

moejoe
07-27-2011, 08:42 PM
I always get a short coffee. Maybe we balance each other out.

I usually order a why bother, AKA short decaf.

ENugent
07-27-2011, 08:43 PM
I was totally that douche while I was pregnant and had gestational diabetes. "Grande whole-milk sugar-free vanilla decaf cappuccino, dry." Nowadays I can generally omit the "sugar-free" and "decaf" qualifiers, and I leave off the "dry" if I see that the place is really busy, since it seems to make some baristas feel that they have to foam two pitchers of milk just to make my one drink.

RandMcnally
07-27-2011, 09:17 PM
Damn, and I thought the wife's Iced skinny grande caramel machiato, add shot was a pain.

Apollyon
07-27-2011, 09:22 PM
I just want black coffee. In this sort of coffee shop, this can be harder than you imagine - I don't want an espresso with water! At least Starbucks has filter coffee, but I do sometimes get a surprised look for just wanting coffee...Interesting, I prefer the opposite -- expresso with extra hot water aka "Americano" to the Starbucks folk.

A couple of actual Americans came into the Starbucks just after me the other day and asked for filter coffee... which the barista then had to make because they don't keep a pot of it around (obviously insufficient demand which would mean the pot sat around for ages and got manky).

Venti 3 sugar Americano for me... although they know me now at my local so I don't actually have to order. :)

Attack from the 3rd dimension
07-27-2011, 09:23 PM
"Give me a great big latte"



[ holds hands far apart to indicate biggyness ]

Apollyon
07-27-2011, 09:25 PM
"Grande whole-milk sugar-free vanilla decaf cappuccino, dry."Dry? What means dry please? (No whiskey?) :)

Dangerosa
07-27-2011, 09:34 PM
Dry? What means dry please? (No whiskey?) :)

Light on the vermouth....;)

kittenblue
07-27-2011, 09:43 PM
See, this is another reason I don't drink coffee....I'd have to carry a little index card around with me to remember what to order! But I'm giddy to hear that Hershey's has extra dark chocolate syrup somewhere out there in the world. Writing out a list right now.....

China Guy
07-27-2011, 09:47 PM
short fat cap. easy peasy lemon squeezy as my 6 year old would say

ENugent
07-27-2011, 09:54 PM
Dry? What means dry please? (No whiskey?) :)

No whiskey while pregnant.

But "dry" in a cappuccino means less milk, more foam.

CrazyCatLady
07-27-2011, 10:11 PM
Light on the vermouth....;)

So they just wave it toward France, then?

Apollyon
07-27-2011, 10:52 PM
But "dry" in a cappuccino means less milk, more foam.Oh, OK... thank you.

(Hadn't heard the term used outside of prohibition / alchohol-free... or as Brut for wine... but since you'd specified sugar-free that option didn't make sense).

Apollyon
07-27-2011, 10:57 PM
Light on the vermouth....;)"Venti caramel macchiato... shaken not stirred". I think it loses something in the translation. :)

outlierrn
07-27-2011, 11:09 PM
I'll have a twist of lemon.


http://youtube.com/watch?v=z-CrML0BzOA


The Outlier likes an oil slick in a cup

Jamaika a jamaikaiaké
07-28-2011, 01:44 AM
No.

If they give you a mf'ing tea bag, they may as well spit in your face! It is as if they gave all their coffee customers Sanka.

Tea, lose or in a bag, needs to be hit with boiling water (some argue nearly boiling). Handing you anything less than brewed tea is a rip-off and an insult to one of the worlds great beverages.

I'm confused as to how this is a response to my post. What's wrong with a tea bag, if the tea in it is of good quality? Who said they don't put boiling water on my tea?

Jules Andre
07-28-2011, 02:52 AM
I've regularly go to Starbucks in two different states, four major metropolitan areas and none of them offer a skinny mocha. The reason is that Starbucks stopped making their "skinny" chocolate syrup a while ago. Are you *sure* it's an actual skinny mocha? They make skinny caramel and stuff, but not mocha. . . fuckers. Trust me, I've done serious research on this matter :D.

For a while Starbucks did have a "skinny" chocolate syrup, which is just a fancy way of saying sugar free (it tasted a little like a tootsie roll, but foul). They still offer sugar free hazelnut and caramel (and maybe some others now) as a default, but that sugar free mocha syrup went away years ago. Perhaps some unscrupulous locations still have expired sugar free mocha that they use (or the licensed stores in a supermarket may have other supplies), but if you order a skinny mocha nowadays, DiosaBellissima is right. It ain't the same.

That said, if you order a skinny mocha, you're getting a non-fat no whip mocha. Any other response means a poor barista. Or a dumb one.

Vinyl Turnip
07-28-2011, 10:55 AM
I'm confused as to how this is a response to my post. What's wrong with a tea bag, if the tea in it is of good quality?

Is it possible you and gaffa are working with different definitions of the term "tea bag"?

DiosaBellissima
07-28-2011, 12:10 PM
That said, if you order a skinny mocha, you're getting a non-fat no whip mocha. Any other response means a poor barista. Or a dumb one.

You're exactly right in that, that's what they give me, but it's the whole inevitable discussion prior I'm trying to avoid:

Me: I'd like a tall, skinny mocha please.
Starbucks employee: We. . don't have, like, skinny mochas.
Me: Right, I mean, I know you don't have skinny syru--
Starbucks employee: The best I can do is make it non fat, no whip. Is that alright? If not we have skinny caramel, skinny hazelnut. . .

I know they're trying to be helpful, but that whole discussion sort of defeats the purpose of me trying to shorten my order :).

GargoyleWB
07-28-2011, 06:53 PM
First it was the Rhineland, then the Sudetenland, then it was the ground nutmeg...

Rhiannon8404
07-28-2011, 07:28 PM
You're exactly right in that, that's what they give me, but it's the whole inevitable discussion prior I'm trying to avoid:

Me: I'd like a tall, skinny mocha please.
Starbucks employee: We. . don't have, like, skinny mochas.
Me: Right, I mean, I know you don't have skinny syru--
Starbucks employee: The best I can do is make it non fat, no whip. Is that alright? If not we have skinny caramel, skinny hazelnut. . .

I know they're trying to be helpful, but that whole discussion sort of defeats the purpose of me trying to shorten my order :).

I was under the impression that ordering a "skinny" whatever also meant that you were getting sugar-free syrup, not just non-fat and no whip, is that right? I order a grande coffee and drink it black so I don't really know.

DiosaBellissima
07-28-2011, 07:35 PM
I was under the impression that ordering a "skinny" whatever also meant that you were getting sugar-free syrup, not just non-fat and no whip, is that right? I order a grande coffee and drink it black so I don't really know.

Right. But they don't sell skinny syrup at Starbucks, thus the issue.

Green Bean
07-28-2011, 07:42 PM
Medium iced coffee in a large cup with extra ice.

Yes, they do understand standard English.

FWIW, I used to just order a large with extra ice, but they told me that if I ordered a medium in a large cup, I'd get the same thing and pay less.

Steophan
07-28-2011, 07:59 PM
FWIW, I used to just order a large with extra ice, but they told me that if I ordered a medium in a large cup, I'd get the same thing and pay less.

That's impressively good service for a chain store.

thirdwarning
07-29-2011, 03:56 AM
Is it possible you and gaffa are working with different definitions of the term "tea bag"?

I wonder if maybe gaffa is under the impression that they hand him/her the cup of hot water and the tea bag separately, so that the bag goes into the not-quite-so-hot water instead of the boiling (or close to it) water going onto the tea bag. Maybe?

Jules Andre
07-29-2011, 04:00 AM
I know they're trying to be helpful, but that whole discussion sort of defeats the purpose of me trying to shorten my order :).

Yeah, that was part of my point about the barista. If someone comes up and orders a skinny mocha, you just make a non-fat no whip mocha. Reading it back that way helps, but it should be an auto translation if the barista has been there more than three months. Otherwise, they're just holding up the line.

You: I'd like a tall skinny mocha please.
Her: Tall non-fat no whip mocha, coming up.

Done.

But since that won't happen very often, you're better off going it the long way, as you said. Shame.

Jules Andre
07-29-2011, 04:08 AM
Oh! And another point! If my experience is of any worth here, people with the "douchey" drinks aren't even the problem. Baristas don't mind too much if you order an Iced quad Venti four pump vanilla half soy with whip stirred Caramel Macchiato because you you know what you want. And for me, those customers were often the most fun because they know so well what they want that they have obviously had it enough to know what it's supposed to taste like. It was a fun challenge to make it well enough to have them come back and compliment my drink. The ultimate prize was to have them request for it to be made by me in the future.

No, the worst of all are the morons who don't know what they want and refuse to order from the menu.

"Uhhh... like, do you have a shake thing? Like without coffee or something? Yeah, a creme frappuccino! How much are those?" :mad:

Or...

"Uhhhhhhh.... caramel thing. With the stuff on top."
"A Caramel Frappuccino?"
"Sure!"
"Okay one Caramel Frappuccino coming up, it'll be $45. Thanks, here's your drink."
"Two please." :mad::smack::mad:

Shirley Ujest
07-29-2011, 08:58 AM
I've always felt like I've been air dropped into some foreign world when I make my lame attempts for uber cool status in coffee ordering at Starbucks.

Is there some kind of Master list out there I can study from so I know what the hell everything is and start dipping a toe into Douchy territory?

FordPrefect
07-29-2011, 09:29 AM
There is nothing douchebaggery about ordering a crazy ass coffee, I happen to be a grande, no-room Americano dude who will always take the extra shot when offered, but what makes a douche bag a douche bag is the smug grin passed out to all around after they ask for their tall, extra hot, skinny, blah, blah blah blah.

JSexton
07-29-2011, 12:52 PM
Medium iced coffee in a large cup with extra ice.

Yes, they do understand standard English.

FWIW, I used to just order a large with extra ice, but they told me that if I ordered a medium in a large cup, I'd get the same thing and pay less.

I should try ordering a medium iced mocha in a large cup, easy on the ice, no room, and see what happens.

amarinth
07-29-2011, 01:30 PM
I've always felt like I've been air dropped into some foreign world when I make my lame attempts for uber cool status in coffee ordering at Starbucks.

Is there some kind of Master list out there I can study from so I know what the hell everything is and start dipping a toe into Douchy territory?Just ask the baristas when someone orders something weird. That's how I found out what a "Dirty Chai"* is last week

My normal order is slightly douche-y. Generally, someone in line will have a more complicated order, but there's a lot of writing on the cup.

*According to them, chai latte with a shot of espresso

chaoticbear
07-29-2011, 01:50 PM
From what I can tell from the ex that worked there, they may silently mock you, but aren't seriously perturbed unless you raise a stink. My standard drink is a grande triple sugar-free caramel latte (is the correct term "skinny caramel" now?!), so I'm halfway there. I just need to get it with non-fat milk and ADD whipped cream. That'll fuss 'em.

Now my cold drink choice, light caramel frappucino with a shot of espresso and java chips, is apparently a douchey order, because the conversation has always been:

"So, a Java Chip frappuccino with sugar-free caramel?"
"No, that has mocha in it. Just caramel please."
"And with espresso? That's like gonna melt the ice"
"That's fine, the texture comes out fine."
etc.

DiosaBellissima
07-29-2011, 01:56 PM
Now my cold drink choice, light caramel frappucino with a shot of espresso and java chips, is apparently a douchey order, because the conversation has always been:

"So, a Java Chip frappuccino with sugar-free caramel?"
"No, that has mocha in it. Just caramel please."
"And with espresso? That's like gonna melt the ice"
"That's fine, the texture comes out fine."
etc.

Ha! What's funny is that whenever I order a standard Java Chip Frapp, they always ask, "want a shot of espresso in that?"

Which I always accept. Always. :D

Ferret Herder
07-29-2011, 01:57 PM
Yeah, douchey is when you act nasty towards the barista. I've told the story here before, but this fits - I was in line at Starbucks when someone gave one of those "hit all the variables" orders, something like a soy, half-caf, no whip, venti caramel white chocolate mocha latte with sprinkles and extra room (not quite that, but you get the picture). The barista, who'd been in a jovial mood with customers, obviously said jokingly, "Gosh, I hope I can remember that!" The customer snapped back, "You'd better!" I think the whole room looked something like: :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::mad::eek::eek::eek:

DiosaBellissima
07-29-2011, 01:59 PM
Yeah, douchey is when you act nasty towards the barista. I've told the story here before, but this fits - I was in line at Starbucks when someone gave one of those "hit all the variables" orders, something like a soy, half-caf, no whip, venti caramel white chocolate mocha latte with sprinkles and extra room (not quite that, but you get the picture). The barista, who'd been in a jovial mood with customers, obviously said jokingly, "Gosh, I hope I can remember that!" The customer snapped back, "You'd better!" I think the whole room looked something like: :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::mad::eek::eek::eek:

I've been behind that guy a few times, I think. Usually, when I get up to the barista, I loudly say, "Well, I'll say it because I know you can't: that guy's a douche.***" Then the whole staff stifles their giggles and my coffee somehow ends up being free.

WIN.


***My personal belief is that a lot of douchebags are such because no one ever calls them on their shitty behavior. A little humiliation sometimes will remind them that we do, after all, live in a society. Come to think of it, this might make me a douchebag, too.

Ají de Gallina
07-29-2011, 02:22 PM
But then I realized I require something stronger, so I have adjusted my order to: hot, double, tall, non fat, no whip mocha.

I'm one "half skim double soy 2 pump" or something from being a complete douchebag. And I feel dirty about it.


At least my coffee's tasty. :D

Accepting you have a problem is the first step towards solving it. :p

Tapiotar
07-29-2011, 02:46 PM
While reading this thread, I was inspired to make my own elaborate coffee drink that I can't get outside of my own kitchen.
Set up Aeropress. While water is heating, pour genuine, real heavy whipping cream into a beaker, get out egg beater and whip until luscious soft peaks of goodness form. Stir in vanilla. Brew the coffee, add sprinkles of cinnamon and ground cardamom and a tiny bit of sweetener. Spoon the whipped cream into the mug. Enjoy.
Going Atkins has improved my coffee drinking experience immeasurably.

ptr2void
07-29-2011, 07:22 PM
I only get Starbucks when I'm away from my Keurig machine and the Timothy's Rainforest Espresso. Most recently that's in the loop in Chicago -- now that I go there from time to time for work -- and I always just get venti hot Americano, no room. Then I add three Splenda. :)

Claire Beauchamp
07-31-2011, 10:17 PM
Well I have the mocha mystery solved. On my weekly Sunday morning trip to SB I asked the barista. The Light Mocha that I must have been remembering from the menu board is one of the Frappaccinos. I asked about a "skinny mocha" (not on the menu board) and she said the same that has been mentioned above -- regular chocolate, just no-fat milk and no whipped cream. Here's the interesting part -- she said the sugar-free chocolate that some are remembering was done in test markets, never rolled out.

Lazlo
07-31-2011, 11:20 PM
We prefer to make our own coffee drinks. The cafe frapppe machine (http://mrcoffeecafefrappe.com/default.aspx) at home is also worlds cheaper.
I didn't even know they made a machine to do that. Very cool!

I just use instant coffee and an ol' mason jar (http://greekfood.about.com/od/mezethesdrinks/ht/frappe.htm). :D

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