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#1
Old 06-08-2002, 05:48 AM
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Stupid D&D tricks

I admit it: I'm a RPG fanatic from way back. I played all kinds of genres, although I was too cheap to invest in various rule books, because I was always the Game Master (or Dungeon Master if you prefer). AD&D, GURPS, V&V, Paranoia, Top Secret, Call of Cthulhu, Boot Hill, you name it. Like everybody else who has played the game, any game, I have lots of stories to tell about amazing adventures, incredible improvisations, great scenarios, and clever players outwitting impossible odds.

But forget that now. Tell me your stories of the stupidest players you ever had, the most boneheaded moves you ever saw in a game, the klutziest characters ever to grace the bone heap in the Tomb of Horrors.

I'm not talking about bad dice rolls. I'm not talking about unfortunate saving throws or evil traps. I'm speaking of times when the player commits an incredibly thick-headed lack of judgement that subjects the character to a cruel injustice or an untimely death.

My favorite mishaps came from one, count him, one player. We called him GODAG, for Good Ol' Dead-And-Gone.

(D&D game)
Me: "You come to a river."
Doug: "I'll look around for a bridge."
GODAG: "I jump in and swim across."
Me: "Really? Okay. Your armor is too heavy. You sink to the bottom and die."

(spy game)
Me: "The snipers continue to fire at your truck. The engine stops running and is now on fire."
Everyone else: "Get out of the truck and take cover."
GODAG: "I try to fix the engine."

(sci-fi game, in planes vs. tanks battle)
Me: "Joe and GODAG, your planes are both hit. You've each lost control and you're going down."
GODAG: "I jump out of the plane."
Joe: "I bail out of the plane."
GODAG: "I go back and get my parachute."

(Old West game, at the poker table with desperadoes)
Me, rolling dice: "You have lost all your money."
GODAG: "I'll put my guns on the table."
Me: "Really? You reach for your guns?"
GODAG: "Yeah, I'll bet my guns."
Me: "The other poker players see you reaching for your guns and shoot you."

Don't get the wrong idea: I'm not a capricious GM who kills off players for fun. I really tried to give him every opportunity to do something useful. In the end, what we got was entertainment value.

I'm sorry if this thread is started in a bad location; I'm not really sure where it fits in best.
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#2
Old 06-08-2002, 06:29 AM
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The time i bought a guard dog in ad&d .... we ran out of food and well,,,,,,

as for bad dice rolls same game we were fighting a bunch of goblins in a random attack

everyone else was down ....... all i needed was to hit the fool i only needed a 3 or higher

I roll .....

I hit my self,,,,,,, rolled a one

All i needed was not to hit over 5

I hiit a 20

The one time I could of been the hero i choke .... I felt like charlie brown calling himself the goat lying in the baseball field
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#3
Old 06-08-2002, 12:48 PM
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I once played a Drow that had been banished from his [royal] family (my alignment had changed to neutral good from fooling around with an unidentified helm). Hooked up with the rest of my non-Drow party and we head into Waterdeep. We decide to hit a few bars to pick up on local gossip. My more experienced friend tells me to keep my hood low.

I order a drink, then throw back my hood to guzzle it. The bar goes completely silent and my friend is staring slack-jawed at me from across the room.

Fast-forward past all the dice rolls -- we escape through a second story window to a neighboring roof. The first floor of the bar is completely engulfed in flames (my idea of a distraction gone wrong). We hoof it to the docks where a ship is waiting for us with our quest-giver NPC.

For some reason the ship has a catapult mounted on the deck and several barrels of oil. I decide that giant molatov cocktails are the order of the day for the few ships that are pursuing us. In my excitement I grossly misjudge the distance and set a large portion of the docks on fire. [Sigh]

From then on my party nicknames me Pyro. The NPC later turns out to be a vampire who makes me his pet.

Yeah, that's me, Pyro the Drow elf-ghoul.
#4
Old 06-08-2002, 01:25 PM
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Heh... Let's see... there was the fighter who died when a succubus... well, drained... his fortitude beyond 0

A lv. 3 thief who tried to stuff a mercurial broadsword (naked blade) into a borrowed (from the local thieves' guild, of course) bag of holding...

A wild mage, caught in the forest alone against a knight in full plate who tried to summon a rust monster
#5
Old 06-08-2002, 03:16 PM
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I once played an AD&D character in a campaign whose DM allowed humans to have 19 strength (he knew how to kill players anytime he wanted, so it didn't matter) and was in a small low-level party with another novice fighter, two 3rd-level clerics and a bard. Yes, a bard. The guy wanted to play a bard. He had no idea what a bard was, but he wanted to play one.

As we creep through the dungeon, we find a door, listen carefully, then bust it down. Arrows come flying at us so I charge into the room, dodge to the side so I'm not standing in the doorway like a complete idiot, then charge, bastard sword a-singing. The other fighter follows me and we have a grand old time.

Meanwhile, the bard decides he wants to shoot arrows back at the attackers. Never mind that he can't actually see them, never mind that in order to get off a shot he has to stand in the doorway like a complete idiot, he's gonna shoot back, damnit! The DM tries to dissaude him with a bit of bullshit, telling the bard that you can't keep a bow strung all the time, because the wood would warp, and unless the bard specifically strung his bow before entering today's dungeon, firing back is not an option.

"So I'll string my bow," declared the bard. And he does, or at least tries to. The arrows shot at the bard (who is still standing in the doorway like a complete idiot) have a random chance of hitting the clerics, who are trying to keep line-of-sight on me so I can benefit from various Prayer spells and whatnot. Their spells are continually disrupted and wasted by piddling arrow hits and soon I am knocked out and taken prisoner, as is the entire party, and we are tossed into cells. I end up bunking with the arrow-riddled corpse of the idiot bard.

I am annoyed, needless to say. Having been stripped of my armor, weapons and a ring +1, I decide to memorably improvise. I rip the bard's leg off, reasoning that a human femur is a very strong bone and can serve as an adequate club. I am rewarded by shocked silence around the table, though my jail-break (and my character) are both short-lived.

That was when I was playing. A few years later when I was DMing, I let the players have all kinds of goofy stuff (I was building up toward a plot twist in which the Paladin's warhorse is lost and presumed dead, but later reappears as a pegasus) so long as it was interesting. One of them picked up a helm of brilliance and they went hunting for some wizard or whatever. After a major fiasco, the dwarf with the helm and the wizard faced each other across a field. She threw purple ray at him, he threw fireball at her and the initiative rolls tied. Net result: he vanished into another dimension, and she lost two saving throws and blew up.

Now THAT was memorable.
#6
Old 06-08-2002, 03:59 PM
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A friend of mine got into D&D when it first came out. We had some trouble fully understanding the game, but we gave it a shot nonetheless. We ended up with a player who became a starving naked fighter riding a giant chicken until being eaten by a gelatinous cube. We didn't play much after that.
#7
Old 06-08-2002, 09:00 PM
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My mate George is a tremendous roleplaying enthusiast.

He turns up on time, runs his fair share of dungeons (which are always entertaining) and has many fine ideas, plus a great sense of humour.

When he is playing a Fighter, there is no more stout ally.
When playing a Thief, there is no more daring scout.
When he plays a Cleric, you will get full healing, no matter what the risk to himself.

But when he plays an MU, especially one with Fireball...

Episode one (The Very Real Menace)

We are in a narrow long corridor, with a low roof. The Paladin has detected evil around a bend up ahead, so the party is on full alert. George's MU is being protected by my character (I'm also keeping an eye on the rear).
Some nasty looking other-world beings come round the corner, snarling away.
The fighters engage, smoothly blocking the corridor.
The cleric begins casting healing and protecting spells.
Without hesitation, George's MU starts the syllables of his favourite spell.
My character instantly calculates just how far the fireball will extend down a corridor 10 feet wide by 10 feet high. (I make it 330 feet in all the monsters are about 20 feet away!)
I push the MU, disturbing his concentration.
The player who thanked me most was George, who pointed out ruefully that his familiar would have been in the blast area!
(The DM later added that the beings were fire-resistant anyway...)

Episode two (Attack of the Clowns)

So we're on Dinosaur Island. A dangerous place, particularly with local tribesman having successfully snatched our food supplies. The Paladin looks the Druid in the eye and says we must kill one animal for food.
The Druid reluctantly agrees.
So the Thief sneaks up on a herd of small dinosaurs, sets a tripwire, and we prepare to swiftly dispatch lunch.
I think you know what is coming next!
Without hesitation, George's MU starts the syllables of his favourite spell.
He'll kill and injure most of the grazing herd.
This time it's the Druid who gives him a whack with the flat of a scimitar.
#8
Old 06-08-2002, 09:11 PM
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While playing Rifts (mostly apocalyptic sci-fi with magic) a couple of players driving from Chicago to San Antonio decided to stop at a sleepy village in the midwest. Unfortuately, the one at the wheel at the time left the cruise control on for most of the trip, and didn't realize that merely taking his foot off the gas wouldn't slow the vehicle down.

Cruising down the main street of this one-horse town at a sedate 80 mph, he looks for a suitable space to screech to a halt without wrecking anything, and picks the nice fenced-off field behind the nearby church.

Since his pilot automobile skill is the bare minimum to turn the car on without hurting himself, he fails miserably... and plows through the church. This slows him down enough to keep from flipping over as he jerks the wheel to the side halfway through and bursts out the other wall into the aforementioned field. A few wild doughnuts later, they come to a stop and discover that the "empty field" was the town's cemetary, and now deep ruts tear through sacred burial grounds, at times deep enough to have flung parts of bodies out around the area.

The townsfolk were not amused, to say the least.
#9
Old 06-08-2002, 09:17 PM
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While playing Rifts (mostly apocalyptic sci-fi with magic) a couple of players driving from Chicago to San Antonio decided to stop at a sleepy village in the midwest. Unfortuately, the one at the wheel at the time left the cruise control on for most of the trip, and didn't realize that merely taking his foot off the gas wouldn't slow the vehicle down.

Cruising down the main street of this one-horse town at a sedate 80 mph, he looks for a suitable space to screech to a halt without wrecking anything, and picks the nice fenced-off field behind the nearby church.

Since his pilot automobile skill is the bare minimum to turn the car on without hurting himself, he fails miserably... and plows through the church. This slows him down enough to keep from flipping over as he jerks the wheel to the side halfway through and bursts out the other wall into the aforementioned field. A few wild doughnuts later, they come to a stop and discover that the "empty field" was the town's cemetary, and now deep ruts tear through sacred burial grounds, at times deep enough to have flung parts of bodies out around the area.

The townsfolk were not amused, to say the least.
#10
Old 06-08-2002, 09:19 PM
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Playing the Avengers in the pitiful Marvel Super Heroes RPG, I was Hercules. Should have been an easy battle against whomever. Needed to roll 16 or better on a D100 to hit. Missed 5 straight times. After that, Jeeves wanted to spar with me.

First time with a group in AD&D. I was my favorite - a 1/2elf mage/thief. This group would describe how they were set up for a good 5-7 minutes before opening any door, most of which were empty. I got bored, walked up to a door as they were setting up, opened it. Who knew it was the occupied room (not done on purpose either)?

Old Champions campaign, I'm a Firestorm-type character, with transmutation powers. Knocked into Toys'R'Us. It was a display of Voltron toys. I always wanted to see them come together like the cartoon (GM was nice because of the visuals as this was really pushing the parameters of the power).

Another old Champions campaign: Another player and I both have energy protectors with paranormal strength (not quite super). We're both quite powerful with our energy, but our strength was useless against most supervillians. Yet both of us always went charging into battle fist first. He was fun, as he was one of the few I've played with who wanted to play the character, not the numbers.
#11
Old 06-08-2002, 09:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by D_Odds
First time with a group in AD&D. I was my favorite - a 1/2elf mage/thief. This group would describe how they were set up for a good 5-7 minutes before opening any door, most of which were empty. I got bored, walked up to a door as they were setting up, opened it. Who knew it was the occupied room (not done on purpose either)?
But surely they only need to have the door-opening discussion once?
#12
Old 06-09-2002, 12:49 AM
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Absurd Notions by Kevin Pease has had a bunch of RPG strips recently. I've never RPGed, and I think they're pretty good.

Along with the strips, there's been discussion in the Absurd Notions Forum. Here are some comments from one thread:

"Oh, while we're on the subject of roleplaying running gags, I wanted to add that in one D&D campaign dating back to high school, whenever our group went into any place of business -- be it an inn, a bar, a blacksmith's or even an apothecary -- it was invariably run by a dwarf with an English accent. One time we pointed this out to the DM and he was quite put out. Not the most imaginative lad around." -- Craig J. Quack
#13
Old 06-09-2002, 12:50 AM
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I was going to post a couple more from that thread (it's a good one) but I hit enter and it posted my reply rather than moving down a line. So just go check out that thread.
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#14
Old 06-09-2002, 02:33 AM
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Well, there was that time the ogre slipped on a squirrel (!) and hit a tree ... and the time my mage gave everyone food poisoning ...
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#15
Old 06-09-2002, 02:56 AM
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I had a few in Shadowrun including some highlights as:

-A mage shooting a Maglock in a GAS chamber that has big stickers that say FLAMMIBLE GAS ENVIROMENT as the klaxons warning that GAS has been released and is rapidly filling up with HIGHLY FLAMMIBLE GAS (the gms words pretty much)

Mage shot anyway, spark, and 3 floors of a research facility go WHOOMP. He did not last long after that

-A arguement on how long a guy can be dragged along 'skiing' on hard leather boots against wet pavement from the back of a cargo van he shot a grappeling hook on to. He managed to throw a few saves by sheer luck but then got into real trouble as he tried to be a jackass and take a curve instead of getting on the 'easy way out' the GM offered. GM had him pinwheel into a parked car then land on a gang of very grumpy Trolls who stomped what was not broken very broken.

-A witty guy who decided to get offended and in the face of a cop IN HIS OWN PRECINCT. The GM decided to make him a example as he had "Mr Chip on his shoulder" proceed to be buggered against his will by some guys in the holding cell after being handcuffed. This guy deserved it on sheer stupidity to want to wave around a gun at all times
#16
Old 06-09-2002, 03:36 AM
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There was the time my Bard/Mage (who liked to fight with a pair of knives) stabbed a Hellhound in the head. ::Kaboomie!:: He enjoyed the flight...the landing sucked, though. (He lived, but...ow.)

Then when my Halfling Rogue tryed to grab a handful of coins from a magically protected fountain of gold. She enjoyed the flight, too. Didn't mind the landing, either.
#17
Old 06-09-2002, 05:41 AM
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One of my favourites : My DM was describing a cobat setting that we had stumbled into. We were out numbered and as the dice were rolled apparently out gunned. As things went from bad to worse We found ourselves cut off with one door as a means of escape. It was of course locked. Our only thief pipes up and says " I try to pick the lock". The DM at this point reminds him of the melee going on around him. Our little thief insists. The DM basically got up and dropped a 25 piece jigsaw puzzle in front of him and told him " Here, you put this puzzle together while I beat you with a baseball bat. If you can finish it before I beat you senseless, we'll say that you get a shot at picking the lock"

Our thief got the hint.
#18
Old 06-09-2002, 07:34 AM
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This Brings Back Memories!

I haven't RPG'd since moving back to Pittsburgh, but this brings back some memories. Back in Hawaii, I played with a group of guys who had an exception GM. Among other things, he let this happen to me.

We were playing Cthulu, and he had given us a setup like the movie The Abyss where we were on an experimental deep sea oil drilling platform. My character had a sword cane and was starting to develop a form of paranoia involving Deep Ones. Sure enough, she was attacked by something which came out moon pool. She starts flailing away with her sword cane, getting in good shots, but it takes a lot of killing. Finally, after a certain amount of die rolling and screaming of "Die! Die! Die!", the creature is lying dead at her feet. At this point, our GM looks at me and says, "By the way, why didn't you use the bang stick in your other hand?" Well at least it suited the character as well as the real life person to have completely forgotten it.


In a different Cthulu scenario, our GM decided he'd gotten sick of a couple of people's shoot-em-up approach, so he taught us a lesson. We woke up one morning and found ourselves puppies. Then kittens. Then parrots, trying like mad to dial our patron's phone number before we got found out (we didn't succeed). Finally, we were all baby guppies. "Along comes Momma Guppy. What do you do?" To his disappointment, I think, we all went and hid at the bottom of the fishtank. I forget how the scenario ended, but it was a bit of ludicrous fun. Ravenwood (our GM), I miss you still!

CJ
#19
Old 06-09-2002, 09:38 AM
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is d&d a gctual game or is it a name given to a vast group of RPGs. I always wanted to know that. If D&D is a game how much is it???

JeDi 0nLiNe
#20
Old 06-09-2002, 09:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by sau_chitnis
is d&d a actual game or is it a name given to a vast group of RPGs. I always wanted to know that. If D&D is a game how much is it???

JeDi 0nLiNe
D&D stands for the Dungeons and Dragons game.
There'll be a thread on this site which goes into the history.
Basically it was invented in the mid 70's as Dungeons and Dragons. Then came Basic Dungeons and Dragons, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Edition 2, and now there's Dungeons and Dragons Edition 3.

There are many other roleplaying games, but Dungeons and Dragons is the Daddy. (I hope that means what I think it does!)

You can get computer games based on Dungeons and Dragons - Pool of Radiance, Baldur's Gate.
If you want to play face-to-face, you don't need the rules to start, just a referee (known as the Dungeon Master) and some other players.
Perhaps a local game/model shop has an advert.
Or if you give your approximate location, one of us might have a suggestion. (I'm in the UK myself).
#21
Old 06-09-2002, 06:01 PM
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...I seem to recall a thread here that described a hapless player in a superhero RPG surviving an explosion in a subway car (Through some "Creative" interpretations of the game rules by the other sympathetic players), but being left singed, and wearing only a pair of armored gauntlets.

I've looked all over for that thread, but I'm afraid it was erased during one of the times the message board was down. A pity. It recounted an impromptu Elf-lynching, as well. THAT was interesting.


Ranchoth
#22
Old 06-09-2002, 10:03 PM
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I've been gaming for the past 8 years or so, both as a player and as a GM. Sadly, I can't think of one story of staggering idiocy at the moment. I've contracted a cold that is kicking my ass mercilessly at the moment, so I'm not really in top form. I will say however, that there's a very good reason why the announcement that somebody had come up with a plan in one of my gaming groups was immediately followed by another player asking (in a bad "We don't need no stinkin' badges accent), "Eez it a bad plan, boss?" The proper response was, "Oh, de very worst, Pepe, de very worst!"

None of us could remember how exactly that started, but it was a fixture of our gaming sessions...and we did manage to come up with some plans that were an offense to logic and common sense. Why do they always seem like good ideas at the time?

Anyway, in lieu of my own amusing tales of gross incompetence, I'd like to share the following link with you. The author has an archive of stories in the same vein as this thread. I laughed until my ribs hurt the first time I read this.
#23
Old 06-10-2002, 10:11 AM
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Probably my worst blunder was when I played Call of Cthulhu years ago. I was playing a Professor of Architecture at Miskatonic, and the "villain" of the campaign was Dr. Isreal Fiskeman, head of the Science Department. He'd be there foiling our investigations by casting spells and whatnot. My character got jealous, and wanted a spell of his own, and finally came across one for summoning dimensional shamblers.

After a disaster which led me to flee to my home and lock myself in, I kept hearing these strange noises outside, and was convinced that monsters were trying to break in and grab me, so I brought out the Summon Dimensional Shambler scroll and started reading from it. The GM then asks me, "Do you have the Control spell?" I said "What Control spell?"

2nd worst D&D session I was in --- joined a group that explored Tomb of Horrors. These were some serious Freudian cases involved here....the GM had a female paladin NPC accompany the party, and she basically held their hands for them and pointed out any traps they were about to stumble across. At one point the session was held up for 20 minutes as one of the players was arguing with the GM over taking 2D6 damage from falling debris when he kicked down a door. We got all the way to the end where the Demi Lich was located (because the female paladin had the power to teleport us there), and as we were discussing what to do, the GM said that the female paladin (that's what he called her, too. No name, just the "female paladin") went ahead and hit the thing with her Sword of Disentegration while we were arguing and killed it.

First worst --- I sat in on a session where the player next to me showed me his sheet and all his stats were 25s. I said "How'd you get all 25s?" He said "wishes." I said "I thought wishes only gave you a tenth of a stat point." He said "That's right!" It was because the corps group of players were worshippers of Ishtar, and she liked them so much she gave them 7 wishes a day. I said that was bogus. Another one of the cor eplayers agreed, saying they should only have 3 wishes a day. I was gone soon afterwards.
#24
Old 06-10-2002, 10:32 AM
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This example is short and sweet. High level campaign set in the Dark Sun milieu. We decided to give my own campaign world a bit of a break so I could do some more development.

We had all read the Dark Sun novels (we were 15, so sue us). Naturally there was a mul gladiator in the party, and naturally he was a melee monster. And wore a full harness of braxat plate mail.

Braxats are large, powerful, and stupid, yet they are a threat even to a relatively high-level party when they travel in groups.

And a group is exactly what the party found, minding its own business. The general vote was to ignore them and move on. But the gladiator wanted a fight. So he charged. Naturally the rest of the group backed him up.

What he evidently forgot about was his armor.

Maeglin: So you are going to charge into a party of braxat wearing their skin as armor?
Gladiator: Sure, why not?

I was nice, I really was. He had nearly 200 hp, and he dealt out a staggering amount of damage.

He was dead within two or three rounds.
#25
Old 06-10-2002, 11:31 AM
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Old FASA Star Trek campaign. Landing party is in trouble on a colony world; colonists have tied them up and are field-testing illegal drugs on them. Caitian PC has a bad reaction to the drugs (it doesn't help that all the Caitians in the campaign were played as if "Caitian" was synonymous with "Kzinti") - in the resulting confusion, a PC briefly grabs a communicator and gets the beginnings of a distress call off to their starship.

So, how does the highly trained, highly professional Starfleet executive officer, currently on the bridge, respond to the abortive distress call? Beam down a security team? Run sensor scans? No....

"Phaser banks! Wide angle fire! Stun the ENTIRE colony!"

(The subsequent board of enquiry was fun.)
#26
Old 06-10-2002, 11:34 AM
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Betwen the ages of 10 and 14, I was a very bad dungeonmaster to several groups of bad players.

Aside from the usual Monty-Haul campaign stuff (never gave much thought to how a party of four was carrying around over 3 billion pieces of gold bullion...), I presided over several incidents so spectacularly awful, I'm almost ashamed to brag about them here

For instance, my party killed several of the gods described in the original Legends and Lore. I think they were third-level when Loki went down.

My parties always ran out of rations the first night of the campaign, and nobody would mention it ever again.

By far the best (worst?), though, was one time when I rolled the random encounter "sheep." One of the party members -- and this was a first-level party of a new campaign -- decided to butcher them for extra XP. At 12 years old, it didn't occur to me that the sheep would run, or at least need a morale check.

I had the sheep attack back in full force. The entire party was wiped out.
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#27
Old 06-10-2002, 11:51 AM
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In junior high, I remember the game in which we killed a giant rattlesnake. As we were searching for a lair (hey, even snakes like shiny treasure, right?), the thief said, "I inject myself with the rattlesnake's poison."

"What?!" we all said.

"Just a little bit of it," he insisted. "I want to build up an immunity to rattlesnake venom."

*****

I trust, however, that you've all heard the inimitable tale of the Head of Vecna? If you haven't, go read it now. It's the funniest stupid player story EVAR!!

Daniel
#28
Old 06-10-2002, 12:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Patricinus Scriblerus
Our only thief pipes up and says " I try to pick the lock". The DM at this point reminds him of the melee going on around him. Our little thief insists. The DM basically got up and dropped a 25 piece jigsaw puzzle in front of him and told him " Here, you put this puzzle together while I beat you with a baseball bat. If you can finish it before I beat you senseless, we'll say that you get a shot at picking the lock"
I think your DM was being unreasonable here. I've picked multiple, heavily trapped locks in the middle of a melee. I'm not talking tabletop either--it was in a LARP. We were outnumbered by nastier things than kobalds, too--unlimited regenerating gargoyles and werewolves were the order of the day. My team formed a defensive rank behind me while I sprawled in the dirt and picked the locks.I only took about three hits the whole time--strategy works.

As for my own stories--
In a battle with Lloth (yes, that Lloth):
The cavalier has our ranger skewered on his lance (Lloth was controlling the ranger) and storm giant strength. He decided that flinging the ranger at the Spider Queen was an interesting, if not actually good, idea.
Cavalier: "He's wearing +2 armor. Does that give me a to-hit bonus?"

Later in the same fight, the cavalier is considering a strategic withdrawal (via a Rod of Sanctuary):
Cavalier: "Where's the ranger?"
Cleric: "Your mount is standing in him."
Cavalier: "Oops."

When he finally used the Rod, he accidentally left two of us behind--a renegade drow fighter-mage and an out-of-spells druid against a (very battered) avatar. We won--just barely--and beat the crap out of the cavalier when he came back, besides.

Then of course, there was the fighter who took a dump on an altar to Lathander in our low-level silly campaign. That campaign also boasted a badly-wounded 2nd level priest chasing a squad of 4th-level drow fighters (sheer dumb luck let him get away with it).
#29
Old 06-10-2002, 01:02 PM
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I DM'd with this one player that was just neck-wringingly frustrating. His character, a brawny meat-headed fighter, was obsessed with the possibility of there being hidden treasure. He would search everything in every room we went into no matter how mundane.

Me: You are walking thru a pasture
Barzon: Are there haystacks?
Me: Umm, sure...
Barzon: I go search the haystacks for treasure
Me: It's a big pasture, over a hundred haystacks
Barzon: That's ok, we search them all.
Rest of party: *groan* No, you search take the three days to search them, we're riding on, you can catch up with us at the dungeon.

And on like that.

The worst was when the party entered an inn for the night and sent Barzon to stable the horses.

Barzon: I put our horses in a stall. Are there others there?
Me: Yes, the inn is very busy, probably a dozen horses.
Barzon: I take out my sword and kill them all.
Me: WHAT?
Barzon: I kill them. Treasure you know.
Me: What are you talking about.
Barzon: Hidden treasure. Innkeepers will feed gems to the horses to hide them.
Me: Come again?
Barzon: Gems, they really do that. They stuff gems into a sheeps bladder, then make the horses swallow it, that way they can get them through the city gates without the tax collectors noticing. Just like cocaine smuggling at the airport you know?
Me: Oh god....
Barzon: Cool. Yiaaaghhhhh! *a few moments later* Did I find any gems?
#30
Old 06-10-2002, 01:08 PM
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A long time ago, Johnny Angel posted the finest RPG story I've ever read, the story of the Mighty Honknar. Look on his story, and marvel in awe:

Quote:
Many of the incidents of our previous campaigns become the legends of our current campaign. The touchstone of all of them is the story of Mighty Honknar.

Honknar, and his fellow adventurers whose names have been lost in the mists of memory, ventured out from the Keep on the Borderlands to explore the Caves of Chaos. They were attacked by stirges in the forrest. The only survivor was Honknar. He buried his comrades and went back to the keep with their stuff. He sold what he could, but kept several weapons, and went to the inn and recruited more adventurers.

With a new party, he set out once more for the Caves of Chaos. And once more they were attacked, this time by kobolds. With a fearsome shout, Honknar reached for his two handed sword and unsheathed it with a mighty metalic shinnng and it slipped from his grip and went tumbling into the forrest and landed in the underbrush. But mighty Honknar didn't blink. He shouted to the kobolds, "See that? I didn't need that to kick your ass!" Whereupon he reached across his back and drew his deadly long sword, which he immediately lost his grip on, sending it flying into the advancing kobolds ranks, but no where near close enough to hit one of them. "See that one?" he cried, "Hell, you can have that one!"

All this time, Honknar's companions are fighting and dying at the hands of the kobolds, but thinning the enemy's ranks as well, so that by the time Honknar got out his sturdy mace there was only him and one battered kobold left standing on the field of battle. Honknar rasied his mace to smash down on the kobold, but lost his grip on it and it landed somewhere behind him, and he shouted, "I sure as hell don't need this to kick your ass!" Whereupon, Honknar headbutted the kobold, and it died.

Mighty Honknar buried his companions, collected their equipment and returned to the keep. He sold whatever he could, but kept most of the weapons, knowing full well how important it was to be well stocked. At the inn, he called out for a new party. Some of the adventurers hanging around suggested that it was too dangerous. After all, his party had been wiped out twice. But Honknar showed them how much money he'd made in so short a time, and a handful of lusty souls greedily signed up.

And so he was off again to the Caves of Chaos, where his party was attacked by stirges once more. He held firmly to his weapon, as he missed, missed and missed again, one stirge after another. But the stirges could not seem to miss him at all, and each stirge that stung him did as little damage as it could possibly do. By the time he had routed them from his back, his face, his neck and his other regions, he found himself once more the sole surviving member of his party, and was barely surviving himself.

When Honknar returned to the keep, the pool of potential party members at the inn had begun to be quite suspicious. To allay their suspicions, Honknar pulled off his chainmail shirt and showed them the horrible stirge scars. And so another brave band agreed to join him.

Into the woods they went, and upon hearing the buzzing of the stirges Mighty Honknar shouted, "Hit the ground, men, and cover your necks!" as he drew his broad sword, which he lost his grip on and it spun off into the trees. As the stirges closed in, he unstrapped his powerful two-handed axe from his back, reared it back and slipped from his hands, beheading the priest behind him. The stirges overwhelmed him and though their stingers scarcely managed to do any damage, their numbers overwhelmed him until finally, Mighty Honknar went down gurgling his own blood.

That is why at temples of Tempest, or on tapestries across the realm you may see the image of a powerful, powerful man beset with stirges. And the tapestry bears the sad refrain recanted every night at taverns and campfires, and wherever adventures gather, "Fors Honknarus Descendit" -- reminding us that if Mighty Honknar can die, so can we.
#31
Old 06-10-2002, 02:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Wikkit
Absurd Notions by Kevin Pease has had a bunch of RPG strips recently. I've never RPGed, and I think they're pretty good.
<hijack>

Check out Dork Tower, if you're interested in RPG humor. It's not entirely RPG-based, but it's consistently funny, and you don't need any knowledge of any of the games to enjoy the humor. Nothing knocks a bunch of wanna-be Star Wars characters out of character faster than the opportunity to massacre Jar-Jar Binks, for instance...

</hijack>
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#32
Old 06-10-2002, 02:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Fish
But forget that now. Tell me your stories of the stupidest players you ever had, the most boneheaded moves you ever saw in a game, the klutziest characters ever to grace the bone heap in the Tomb of Horrors.

I'm not talking about bad dice rolls. I'm not talking about unfortunate saving throws or evil traps. I'm speaking of times when the player commits an incredibly thick-headed lack of judgement that subjects the character to a cruel injustice or an untimely death.
My players generally liked me as the Dungeon Master because I told a good story and allowed plenty of hack-n-slash, as long as the party new what they were dealing with.

One thing about D&D is that I sometimes found it unreasonable to come up with a back story; why were the characters together, and wouldn't they be better off doing other things? This was especially true since two of the players insisted on being evil, and often found themselves at odds with the clueless Ranger played by one of the other players.

After they had been hired to retrieve a powerful magic sword (which they did), they found themselves in the good graces of the local royalty, and enjoyed some fine times before needing additional employment.

Knowing of their heroics, a band of retiring merchants hired our heroes to escort them south to a large port city. From there, the heroes would sail with the merchants to an island with a small town where the merchants would live out the rest of their lives fat and happy, and the heroes would be well-paid and respected. In addition, a neighbouring island was the setting for an already-published AD&D module, so I had their next adventure in mind.

Once they reached the island, they decided to mutiny. They killed the hapless merchants and murdered most of the crew. The PC's managed to flee the enraged townsfolk and remaining crew under the cover of an illusion created by an NPC Illusionist whom the (evil) Magician had charmed into helping them.

They took a small launch and escaped around the back side of the island with much of the merchants' wealth.

Unfortunately, now they're stranded on this island. It's too far to journey in anything less than a serious sailing vessel. The Illusionist, having been captured by the townsfolk after the charm spell wore off, spilled the beans, and gave vivid descriptions of the other party members via her magic.

... so now they're hunted men on an island, and have no way off.

Since Wes, the Ranger, felt that his character would really want to leave the party, he wanted a new character: a Monk. Not that I think that monks belonged in my setting, but we figured he might be a one-off weirdo.

I then hatched a brilliant plan to get the game back on track: the PC's took their small boat to a nearby island which they were sure was uninhabited. I placed a small band of pirates there, and set it up so the characters might have a chance to overwhelm them and take their ship. As a bonus, the pirates had a prisoner: the aforementioned Monk! Were the players to free him, he'd join their party and they'd have enough warm bodies to crew the pirate's small vessel and return to the mainland.

The campaign ended when the PC's attacked that night. The Ranger and Thief moved in to attack the sentries while the (evil) Warrior and (evil) Magician were to back them up. The evil players backed off, leaving the hapless Ranger and Thief to their doom, and with over half the party dead, there was no point in continuing the storyline.

What a bunch of losers!
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#33
Old 06-10-2002, 03:38 PM
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My character was in a party that needed to meet up with our contact in enemy territory. We found someone, in a crowded city, who appeared to have somehow kidnapped or otherwise done away with our contact, so we subdued him and began to interrogate him. Obviously, we didn't want to kill him, so I threatened him by pointing a gun at his thigh. Then I realized that that would make too much noise, so I put a pillow up to the gun.

GM: "He refuses to talk."
Me: "Okay, I pull the trigger. The pillow will muffle the sound."
GM: "He screams! He screams bloody murder! The whole city can hear it!"
Me: "Wait! I mean...Err...crap."


In a friend's game with only two players:

GM: "You're a ways outside town. You need supplies, but you're low on money. You see a hobbit boy, riding a sheep by a stream."

Player1: "I go up to the boy and demand he give me all his money."

GM: "Uh, okay, he says you're bad men and he's going to tell his dad. he starts riding away."

Player1: "Oh no! I shoot the sheep out from under him!" [rolls dice]

GM: "You missed the sheep, and [rolls] you hit the boy. He's dead."

Player2: "Uh...we get some rope and tie rocks around his neck and throw him in the stream to hide the evidence."

GM: "The stream isn't really deep here, you discover, when you throw him in. A foot is still sticking out of the water. A Hobbit man appears around the bend. 'Now where's that son of mine...Oh no my son's drowning!"

Player2: "We can't let him find out! I attack with my sword!" [rolls]

GM: "Okay, he's dead too now..."
#34
Old 06-10-2002, 03:43 PM
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My character was in a party that needed to meet up with our contact in enemy territory. We found someone, in a crowded city, who appeared to have somehow kidnapped or otherwise done away with our contact, so we subdued him and began to interrogate him. Obviously, we didn't want to kill him, so I threatened him by pointing a gun at his thigh. Then I realized that that would make too much noise, so I put a pillow up to the gun.

GM: "He refuses to talk."
Me: "Okay, I pull the trigger. The pillow will muffle the sound."
GM: "He screams! He screams bloody murder! The whole city can hear it!"
Me: "Wait! I mean...Err...crap."


In a friend's game with only two players:

GM: "You're a ways outside town. You need supplies, but you're low on money. You see a hobbit boy, riding a sheep by a stream."

Player1: "I go up to the boy and demand he give me all his money."

GM: "Uh, okay, he says you're bad men and he's going to tell his dad. he starts riding away."

Player1: "Oh no! I shoot the sheep out from under him!" [rolls dice]

GM: "You missed the sheep, and [rolls] you hit the boy. He's dead."

Player2: "Uh...we get some rope and tie rocks around his neck and throw him in the stream to hide the evidence."

GM: "The stream isn't really deep here, you discover, when you throw him in. A foot is still sticking out of the water. A Hobbit man appears around the bend. 'Now where's that son of mine...Oh no my son's drowning!"

Player2: "We can't let him find out! I attack with my sword!" [rolls]

GM: "Okay, he's dead too now..."
#35
Old 06-10-2002, 04:17 PM
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I was in a group of power-mad Champions gamers once. Everyone concentrated mostly on making indestructible combat gods (myself included ). On our very first adventure we realized...none of us could do more than run. To get from place to place we all had to pile into our archer's jeep or call a cab...
#36
Old 07-08-2011, 11:43 AM
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In my defense, this was the very first time I ever played D&D

My very first D&D character was half human, half "Leopard Man" (character was female but this was 2nd Edition, so...), and the first session had us in a bar. I took exception to something another patron said (something about my tail, I believe) and decided I was going to start a bar brawl. Ooh, first combat ever. Look sharp. Okay, we're starting with nothing, so I want to arm myself, right?

So I asked what a broken beer bottle does and, the DM said 1d4. However, this was a level 1 character and I rolled poorly. I ended up damaging myself instead.

Did I mention my character was half Leopard Man? Guess what the claws she already had were capable of doing. Yep, 1d4.
Survived, but in light of the quality of my strategic thinking, I can't really claim credit for that.

Last edited by culturegeek; 07-08-2011 at 11:44 AM.
#37
Old 07-08-2011, 11:47 AM
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Casting teleportation spell for travel from IMHO to The Game Room.
#38
Old 07-08-2011, 11:55 AM
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When we are low level, there is a reason I name my horse "Emergency Rations".

A couple of years back, same campaign, I was set to run an NPC Wizard along with my Bard, just because the GM had a lot of other things to do. Well, most members of the party had some basic fire resistance, and we were fighting two bad guys and getting our asses kicked, so I dropped a fireball on top of the group hoping we'd survive and they wouldn't.

Turned out they were actually Devils and had more fire resistance than us.

Also turned out that I rolled exceptionally well on the damage roll and dropped every member of the party except the fighter.

The GM sped up the deliverance by the local wizards guild that was planned for a couple of rounds later if we hadn't won by then (on the basis that we were wrecking the town with the battle).

A couple of sessions back, we were trying to get into a place in the War of the Burning Sky campaign setting, but were getting peppered by archers atop a tower. Our party Warlock (the player's characters are often a little suicidal, this being his fourth character in this campaign) ran into the tower, up the stairs, threw open the trap door....

And got absolutely murdered in one volley of arrows.

He fell to the bottom of the tower, where I was just walking in the door. Fortunately for him, I was able to pull off Elegy Unwritten* and restore him to life.

* 4th Edition, Bard Utility, Daily, 22nd level. Immediate Interrupt, An ally within 5 squares of you dies. They regain HP as if they had spent a healing surge, can stand up and move 2 squares as a free action. Very much a Monty Python-ish "I'm not dead yet!" power.
#39
Old 07-08-2011, 12:08 PM
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Posts: 16,907
I was GM'ing a Battletech game once where the two players were going head to head. In the first game, Mike finds a reinforced concrete building, hops up on top in a lightweight mech and uses his vantage point to unleash fiery death upon Ken.

The second match, Ken finds a building and decides to emulate this by jumping up on top. A wooden building. He falls through the two floors and crashes into the basement, damaging both of his mech's legs. Then Mike blows the crap out of the building, collapsing it on Ken. Then Mike sets it on fire and jumps on it. Then Ken stopped playing.
#40
Old 07-08-2011, 12:16 PM
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These situations are usually my husband's characters and it was always his dwarves too.
We were in Underdark and came upon a massive cavern with a large castle in the middle. Fires could be seen, torches and guards seen patrolling past the arrow slits and a large wooden gate in the center of the front wall. There are 6 of us and this castle must hold several hundred.

While were huddled in an alcove outside the cavern discussing what to do the dwarf gets bored. We’re used to that, normally he just wanders away and we find him sharpening his axe on a squirrel or something but apparently he couldn’t find anything to amuse himself with so he marched up and knocked on the front door.
This was a packaged adventure and the DM actually brought it out to show us the line in the adventure which read “The most colossally stupid thing the PC’s can do is knock on the door” I believe we left him to his fate that day and travelled in the opposite direction.


Not quite in the spirit of the OP, but my favourite D&D memory:
We were travelling through a forest and one of our party members started having cursed dreams. This resulted in him being convinced that the trees were trying to take over the world and were going to attack. Each day his ravings got worse and soon the jests we were making weren’t enough to counteract the irritation his behaviour was causing. So we plotted. The three women in the party went out on a hunt for berries as we were setting up camp for the night. What we were really doing was piling fallen leaves. Lots and lots of them. We left them wrapped in our cloaks just outside of the camp.

Pat wasn’t sleeping very well and he had this flying broom instead of a horse, so during the night he would sleep lying on his stomach with the broom underneath him. A couple hours before dawn I was on watch and I woke up the other two women. We slipped to our cloaks and carried them as quietly as possible to where Pat had finally fallen asleep. In unison we all flipped open the cloaks covering him with leaves while one of them muttered “The trees shall rise and humans shall fall as the leaves do”.
Pat woke up and screamed like a little girl. He didn’t stop screaming until he was about 40’ in the air above our heads while we rolled in the leaves laughing. He didn’t speak to us for WEEKS.

Last edited by Moonlitherial; 07-08-2011 at 12:18 PM.
#41
Old 07-08-2011, 01:10 PM
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Let's just say my friend didn't realize the gold dragon was there to advance the plot by giving them a new quest and not there to (attempt to) kill . . .

The same guy also learned that if you are going to accuse the head of the King's guards of being a traitor in public it would be a good idea to have some evidence.
#42
Old 07-08-2011, 02:10 PM
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I was in a Shadowrun campaign playing a troll detective who was also an eco-terrorist and a poet (no shit, I recited haiku to the bemusement of the other players). I won't describe all the machinations, but I tricked the Los Angeles police into raiding the booby-trapped cache of a rival gang. The ensuing explosion destroyed a solid block of LA plus quite a few cops. Mr. Johnson didn't reward me like he did the others, but I didn't care.
#43
Old 07-08-2011, 03:16 PM
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Characters got to higher level (9) to where they could get their own stronghold. I (as the DM) had them draw up their own plan view drawings of their compound.

Our fighter's fortress, completely unbeknownst to any of us initially, looked *exactly* like a front view of Daffy Duck's face when turned upside down. The eyes were round bastions topped with guard towers, his collar was the front gate, his beak was an ornate shrine/fountain thing, and the tuft of hair on top of his head was a secret escape path through the main wall.

The conversation went something like this...

*Me setting the map in front of the players, them seeing it upside down from their perspective for the first time*

Me: "...and here's Lord Badgeworth's keep..."
Other Player 1: "His what?"
Other Player 2: "What's that?"
Badgeworth *proudly* "My castle!"
1: "Looks like a duck"
2: "Woah, it does!"
1: "Are you serious? What is that?"
2: "Duck Keep! Duckstone! Fort duck!"
1: "Nice beak!"
B: "That's a fountain! Guys, come on..."
1: "The Roost! The Nest! "
Me: "You know...with that gate it looks like Daffy..."
2: "Wabbit season!"
B: "Quit it guys, it does not!"

...and so on for an endless night of hilarity.
#44
Old 07-08-2011, 03:33 PM
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This was a 3rd Ed. D&D campaign I was in about 10 years ago or so.

I was a human wizard. There was also a human rogue, a human fighter, a dwarf cleric, and a human monk. The cleric is played by a first-time tabletop player. The rest of us have varying levels of experience (the rogue and the DM had significant amounts). While walking through the forest, we see a huge beetle-like creature (i.e. 9 squares in size) eating foliage and heading in our general direction. We roll init.

Rogue goes first. Then me. Then the cleric. Then the rest of the party.

Rogue: I full move out of its path.

Me: Same here. (Note: I would have done this regardless of the rogue's decision. After all, this thing is clearly not a carnivore, and even if an omnivore, is unlikely to find us particularly tasty when it has ample foliage to choose from.)

Cleric: I pull out my crossbow and shoot at it.

Let's see....Two experienced members of your party decide not to attack the apparently harmless (when not enraged) large bug, and rather than follow their lead, you decide to piss the thing off?

Needless to say, the rest of the party decided that climbing trees was probably best at this point. The beetle ended up trying to shake us out of them after he managed to knock the cleric to -9 and stable. (The DM actually showed us the real role. It was something like 43 points of damage from a full-round attack on the cleric, which will outright kill any 1st level player out there. The DM was teaching the newbie a lesson about discretion and valor.) Eventually the beetle gave up and moved on after the rest of us tried pathetically to actually do something useful in a clearly outmatched fight while not engaging the beast directly.

We came to discover through the campaign that this player's mistakes came from more than just inexperience. Flash forward a few months real time....

There is an army of orcs marching on a town we are having some downtime in. This is entirely the party's fault. Some of it was a result of us changing history accidentally and causing orcs to spread where they weren't supposed to be. (Note that our characters were not aware of this, being in an area none of them were originally from.) However, the real issue was the result of the actions of the Cleric and the Monk. The town was alarmed by the appearance of Orcs in the general area, since it was a bit of a new thing. (Oops! Our bad!) I don't quite recall how the DM was handling this history change in the grand scheme of people's minds, but they needed extra help on watch. Our party agreed to help out the town, and the cleric and the monk were on watch one night. A small orc rading party hits the town, and the cleric and monk make short work of them without telling anyone a thing. Not the town officials. Not even the rest of the party. Two days later the orc army marches on the town. Turns out the leader of the rading party was orc chieftain's son. And it was some initiation ritual that he was supposed to perform as he transitioned into adulthood and to the status of being able to take over for his father should his father die. The Chieftain addresses the town that they will pay for the murder of his son. No one has a clue what's going on, including most of the party, other than of course the Cleric and the Monk who might have a clue but still never thought of actually letting anyone else know about the skirmish a couple nights back. (And they were both Lawful Good alignment.)

On top of this, the chieftain has a child from the town attached to his shield as a human shield. The chieftain calls out the entire town as cowards and how he will destroy the town and everyone in it. Our party tells the townsfolk to start getting the children out of town while we confront the leader to buy some time. As we walk up to him, our cleric decides to cast a ray touch attack spell at the Chieftain (I forget which one), thinking that he'll show the Chieftain who's boss. Now the rules don't say what exactly happens when another person is attached to an object a target of a ray attack is carrying, but our DM ruled that he killed the kid and did some damage to the Chieftain. The chieftain is impressed that humans would sacrifice their own this way, so he actually gains some respect for the cleric. However, it doesn't really stop an entire orc infantry from attacking the town. As the townsfolk hold them off, they tell us to lead the children to safety, which amazingly enough we manage to accomplish without losing a single one. Yes, an entire town other than children wiped out by the indirect actions of our party.

Flash forward a few weeks real time....

Our DM decides that the good powers that be want to send us a message. It is delivered to us via the ghost of the boy who was killed by our cleric. The DM is doing this as a way for the cleric to get closure as well as give us an adventure hook. The idea is that the ghost will also be our guide as an NPC. Our cleric is the one the kid addresses specifically as we hear the message. So here we have a completely benign spirit of a child who is trying to help us, and the cleric has a chance to redeem himself. So what does he do? He casts Cure Serious Wounds on the poor thing. (For those who don't know, cure spells on undead do the exact opposite to what they do on the living.) The spirit shrieks in pain as its soul is violently ripped out of it's formless shell and banished to whatever afterlife was prepared for it, rather than moving on peacefully when its task (and our new one) was complete, as the DM had intended.


Last edited by Hoopy Frood; 07-08-2011 at 03:34 PM.
#45
Old 07-08-2011, 04:12 PM
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Love the stories so far!

A little background on mine. I was DMing a thieves-only campaign, a very open-ended campaign where the party did whatever they wanted and I did a lot of improvising. We occasionally traded off DMing, although I was it 99% of the time. I did have my own character, a halfling thief, that accompanied the party.

In a previous session, the bad guys had kidnapped my halfling thief...
The party, quite a bit later, discovers the location of one of the bad guys' camps, and proceed to sneak in. Primary objective is to assassinate the leader, and recover the halfling thief if he happens to be there.

The group splits up, as was common. One of the party members sneaks into a tent, and hears snoring coming from two sleeping bags. One of the sleeping bags is occupied by someone not quite human sized...
You probably guessed it, the thief stabs into both sleeping bags, slaying both of the "bad guys" in their sleep. The rest of the party, great role-players they are, don't say a word, knowing full well what was happening, as they watch their companion kill my kidnapped halfling thief in his sleep... He discovers his mistake when he goes to loot the bodies and finds my character tied up in a sleeping bag. He did get a lot of flak for that...for the rest of the campaign, and beyond. No flak from me, though, I knew full well the risks...
#46
Old 07-08-2011, 04:51 PM
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How'd I miss this thread the first time around?

The first incident that comes to mind:
"You can't seem to open the trap door in the floor. It appears to be stuck."
"OK, I jump up and down on the door."
"You jump up and down on it!?"
"Yeah, to get it unstuck."

Well, it did work. And I'm almost certain that the player did actually know better, and that it ws just honest role-playing of a low-Wis character.

My regular group also had our own version of "Good Ol' Dead and Gone". One guy's character, in the very first adventure, ended up quite thoroughly dead from flaming arrows in a sewer prepped with Greek fire floating on the water, and only got revived through direct deus ex machina intervention. The next adventure, in the big battle, she ended up at negative HP, and just barely survived. The adventure after that, everyone else in the party managed to go completely unscathed (even the two third-level characters who stumbled into a fight by themselves against a powerful 9 HD demon), except for this character, who was knocked down to 1 HP (yes, exactly 1 HP, and no DM fudging necessary) from contact with a powerful and evil intelligent weapon.
#47
Old 07-08-2011, 05:02 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: San Diego
Posts: 7,439
Temple of Elemental Evil (paper/pen module), AD&D.

DM: "You see a small, shallow bowl of a fowl smelling liquid sitting on the [either altar or alchemists lab table]."

Player/Thief: "I use my wand of detect magic on the bowl."

DM: "It doesn't glow at all." [No magic present.] "What do you do next?"

Player/Thief: "Why, I drink it, of course! What superpower did I just get?"

DM: "I dunno... how 'bout you roll a d20 and we'll see?"

Player/Thief: "A '7'. Good! 7's a lucky number!"

Well anywho, it was poison he drank.
#48
Old 07-08-2011, 05:55 PM
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,064
Several years ago I was GMing a new campaign with my usual crew of players, one of whom was known to be...impulsive. I've got a huge campaign planned that will probably take at least a year to get through. It starts in a major city that is controlled by a dictatorial "police state" regime. Anyway...

The very first thing that happens in the entire campaign is the party wakes up one morning in the inn they are lodging at to discover the corpse of a guy. He had been stabbed in the chest and was lying in a pool of blood in the hall outside their room.

Impulsive Player:
I drag the body into our room.
Other players: What? Why would you... No!
Me: OK, you drag the corpse into your room. You now have a dead body in the room and a large blood trail from the hallway into your room.
Impulsive Player: Oh.
Other players: Grrrrrrrr.

#49
Old 07-08-2011, 06:44 PM
Sith Mod
Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Bear Flag Republic
Posts: 42,528
I used to play with this kid who I'll call Jon, because that's his real name, and if he somehow finds this post, he's going to know I'm talking about him anyway, so why fuck around?

Jon's problem was pretty simple: he never saw a problem that he couldn't use violence to solve, and he never really paid attention to what other players were doing, so he'd often act in ways that spectacularly sabotaged what they were trying to do.

Case in point: I was running a bunch of players through an adventure in the Dark Matter setting for the Alternity system - essentially, an X-Files kind of set-up.

The players have a strange artifact from a mysterious civilization that they need identified. The artifact defies rational scientific explanation, but there's a fringey scientist, largely discredited by the mainstream scientific establishment, who specializes in artifacts from this supposed civilization. As it happens, there's a New Age expo going on in town at the time, and the psychic has a tent there. The party goes to the expo, and finds the guy. This is purely a "research" encounter: they party isn't expected to fight, the guy is completely honest with them, and eager to help them out. It's basically a way to dump some exposition on the party, and get them pointed at the next part of the module.

So, four of the party members walk in and start talking to the guy.

Jon says, "I'll sneak around the back of the tent."

"Okay..."

The party continues talking to the helpful and knowledgeable NPC.

Jon: "I take out my knife and make a cut in the back of the tent, big enough to crawl through."

"Um... alright. Make a stealth check. You succeed? Okay, you sneak into the tent unobserved."

The rest of the party keeps talking to the guy. They're just about to find out the big secret they need to continue on the adventure, when Jon's master plan is finally put into effect:

"I grab the guy from behind, put my knife to his throat, and growl, "Tell us what we want to know, or I'll slit your throat!"

Naturally, the guy freaks out and screams his head off. The rest of the party immediately swings into action, and beats Jon's character unconscious. The police show up, and they disavow any knowledge of this clearly unbalanced vagrant who attacked this poor gentleman for no reason, and wasn't it fortunate that they happened to be there to save his life?

The NPC certainly thought so, and gave them some valuable magic trinkets related to the ancient civilization that he had collected during his studies. Jon's character is carted off to the pokey for the night. He's released on bail the next day. The judge sets the bail at, "How much money is written on your character sheet?" I got some good mileage over the next couple of sessions, by making Jon have to beg money off the rest of the party for pretty much everything he wanted his character to do.

*****

More recently, I've been running campaigns set in the Pathfinder setting, a 3rd edition, third party D&D variant that was released when the official D&D game converted to the 4th edition. Last year, I ran through the Second Darkness campaign, which concerns a plot by a drow priestess to drop an asteroid onto the elven capital, an act that, incidentally, will probably also kill off about 70% of all life on the surface of the planet.

About halfway through the campaign, the party has to infiltrate a drow city to find more information about the priestess, the ritual she's using to draw down an asteroid, and most importantly, where the hell she is so they can put a stop to the spell.

They find out that the noble house ruled by this particular drow priestess has abandoned the city, shuttering its estates, and decampin en masse to wherever the ritual is being conducted. Naturally enough, the party decides that they need to explore this abandoned estate for the information they need.

Except, they don't. The module doesn't cover the abandoned estate at all - all the action takes place in a different drow noble house altogether, one run by a rival who's more interested in sabotaging her enemy's schemes then destroying the surface elves, and who ends up as a very uneasy ally to the party. I don't have anything planned for the abandoned estate at all, and the party wants to go there right now.

So, okay, I just need to make the place as obviously dangerous as possible, so they get the message that this place is too dangerous for them, and they need to go after one of the actual adventure hooks I'd been dangling in front of them. The courtyard is patrolled by four iron golems - one iron golem is more than a match for the party at this point. One of the PCs is a barbarian, though, and iron golems are slow by nature, so he starts leading the golems on a merry chase around the courtyard. While the rest of the party tries to find some stealthy manner of entry. Which, of course, does not exist. The door to the stables is trapped by a fireball trap, which the party learns the hard way. The trap automatically resets after being triggered, which they also learn the hard way. And that's just an empty outbuilding: the front gate to the estate is so heavily wrapped with malicious enchantments that the party mage can't even identify everything that's woven into it. There's a large pile of drow corpses in front of it to testify to the danger of the doorway: dozens of them, in various states of decay, from all the expeditions sent by the other drow houses to try to find some way into the estate.

The rest of the party, badly singed from their experience with the stable, get the hint, and start retreating out of the compound. But not the barbarian! With all but one of the party having retreated off the map, he makes a run for the pile of corpses. With a quartet of iron golems in close pursuit, he stands about twenty feet away from the enormous, explicitly trapped doors, that have clearly killed dozens of people on several different occasions, and throws the corpse at the doors.

He later explained that he thought that he could safely trigger the (ninth level spell) traps on the doors by throwing a corpse at them, and then just open the door. Never mind that the trap they found on the stables had about three times that range, and automatically reset. Obviously, the traps on the main doors are going to be less effective than that, right?

His one stroke of luck was that the prismatic spray that hit him simply banished him from this plane of existence, rather than, say, disintegrating him. His character eventually found his way back to the party, but in the meantime, I made him play one of the NPCs for a couple of sessions.

*****

Last week, in my current campaign, one of the players was a little casual with a scroll of sunburst, and accidentally blinded half the party. This wasn't actually that bad of a move: they were fighting vampires, the existence of whom had been heavily foreshadowed, and so he had prepared two castings of Remove Blindness, expecting exactly this circumstance. Unfortunately, he blinded three PCs, so one of the party members spent the entire combat hiding under a table. This party member, incidentally, was an evil-aligned tiefling sorceress.

After the party left the dungeon, the tiefling lured the cleric back to her hotel room, where she bound, mutilated, and ultimately killed the cleric, then carved up her corpse and sold her for stew meat. Which is about where the adventure ended for the day.

Next session is this Sunday. I can not wait to see what happens next!
#50
Old 07-08-2011, 06:52 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 41
I had a spare period with 3 other gamers in junior high school, so we decided to start a Gamma World adveture. Mr X decides he wants to play a mutated creature, but can't think of any specific one.

DM- Why don't you play a mutated bozo?

Mr X- Great idea, what's that?

Starting a Top Secret campaign, one player anounces he wants to play a "defective Russian."

During a Battletech game, our unit arrived in a town just before an enemy unit arrived from the other side of town. Our scout mech slipped into a warehouse and waited to let the enemy unit pass by. He turned and asked me, the company commander:

Mr Y-Should I come out now?

Me-Yes, Y, come out and be proud in your homosexuality!!

Can't understad why Y didn't like me.
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