#1
Old 04-14-2003, 09:52 PM
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Cool Bible Quotes

Can anyone give me some funny, ridiculous, outrageous, or just overall cool quotes from the bible. Or just give me a website where i can look for some.
#2
Old 04-14-2003, 10:12 PM
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I was just looking for the book, but it is archived deep in my closet. For a good reference on the ridiculous stuff, look for "Ken's Guide to the Bible." I think Ken Adams is the right name. I will look right after this post.

The old testament prophets, after Moses to Daniel, are a good start.

Elisha got mad at some kiddies making fun of his bald head, so he sicked a couple of she-bears on them. Killing all 40. Around Judges 19, I believe, is a story of a guest in a house. A mob of men surrounded it, demanding the man. The keeper put his daughter out for the men to rape and kill. This resulted in one of the tribes getting completely slaughtered.

I am rusty, I know.
#3
Old 04-15-2003, 12:16 AM
lel lel is offline
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My favorite Bible verse:

Quote:
Job 21:3 (NIV)
Bear with me while I speak, and after I have spoken, mock on.
Enjoy Bible verse hunting!
#4
Old 04-15-2003, 01:13 AM
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Re: Cool Bible Quotes

Quote:
Originally posted by teemingONE
Can anyone give me some funny, ridiculous, outrageous, or just overall cool quotes from the bible. Or just give me a website where i can look for some.
Yes I can: http://infidels.org/library/mode...an/index.shtml
Just follow some of his links.

Oh Landover Baptist has t-shirts and stickers and stuff with offensive bible quotes: landoverbaptist.org/mainx.html It is a very offensive site if you are the least bit christian.
#5
Old 04-15-2003, 01:24 AM
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Quote:
KJV - Numbers 22:27And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff.
#6
Old 04-15-2003, 01:48 AM
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In light of current events, Psalm 18 might be considered timely; even patriotic by some, especially the following:
Quote:
37 I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.

38 I crushed them so that they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.

39 You armed me with strength for battle;
you made my adversaries bow at my feet.

40 You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.

41 They cried for help, but there was no one to save them-
to the LORD, but he did not answer.

42 I beat them as fine as dust borne on the wind;
I poured them out like mud in the streets.
#7
Old 04-15-2003, 02:07 AM
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"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces" --Malachi 2:3

"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." -- Ezekial 23:30

The above are a couple of Landover's favorites, available on t-shirts and bumper stickers, etc.

One of my favorite bizzare bits can be found in Exodus 33:
Quote:
21 And the LORD said, Behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock:
22 And it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a clift of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by:
23 And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.
I long to put this one on a collector Bible card, with the title "God moons Moses." The mind truly boggles.
#8
Old 04-15-2003, 02:55 AM
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It's gotta be "Jesus wept." Easy to remember!
#9
Old 04-15-2003, 03:15 AM
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KJV
Jonah 4:10-11

10 Then said the LORD, Thou hast had pity on the gourd, for the which thou hast not laboured, neither madest it grow; which came up in a night, and perished in a night:

11 And should not I spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more than sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?

Verse 11 always amused me for some reason, plus I think it's appropriate here, since God is sending Jonah to fight ignorance. How would you like it if God said you couldn't tell your right hand from your left hand, hehe. Plus he mentions cattle on equal footing, that doesn't reflect well on them now, does it?
#10
Old 04-15-2003, 03:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Road Rash
Elisha got mad at some kiddies making fun of his bald head, so he sicked a couple of she-bears on them. Killing all 40.
Boy, that was really funny and cool!

Quote:
Around Judges 19, I believe, is a story of a guest in a house. A mob of men surrounded it, demanding the man. The keeper put his daughter out for the men to rape and kill. This resulted in one of the tribes getting completely slaughtered.
I am rusty, I know.
Yup, pretty rusty. The story is about Lot offering his daughters to the crowd of Sodomites who asked him to send out to them the "men" who were guests in Lot's house. Apparently neither the Sodomites nor Lot knew that the "men" were angels. The Sodomites did not rape or kill anyone, as the angels struck them blind. The story is in Genesis.

Yessir, those stories are real knee-slappers all right! Of course, the OP did add "outrageous" as a criterion. The Bible is full of stories that fit that description.
#11
Old 04-15-2003, 03:54 AM
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Isaiah 16:11, KJV: "Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kir-haresh."

Who knows if it's really about farting or not, but it made me giggle nonetheless.
#12
Old 04-15-2003, 09:13 AM
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Can't believe nobody added this yet:

Ezekiel 25:17

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."
#13
Old 04-15-2003, 10:06 AM
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I'm not sure if I've been whooshed, Jdeforrest, but that "verse" is from Pulp Fiction, not from the biblical book of Ezekiel.

DesertGeezer, actually, the story with Lot and the angels is in Genesis ch. 19. The one that Road Rash is referring to is indeed in Judges ch. 19 (interesting coincidence!), and is basically right except that it wasn't the host's daughter that was handed over to the mob, but the guest's concubine. The upshot was that the tribe of Benjamin (in whose territory this took place) refused to hand over the guilty parties for punishment, which made them complicit in the crime, so the other tribes fought a civil war against them in which the Benjaminites narrowly escaped total annihilation.
#14
Old 04-15-2003, 11:11 AM
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Two I've always found useful in certain circumstances:

"and [Judas]...went and hanged himself"

"go thou and do likewise"
#15
Old 04-15-2003, 01:02 PM
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1 Samuel 15 tells the story of King Saul and the prophet Samuel. God tells Samuel to have the Israelites go and utterly destroy the Amalekites because of the way they treated the Israelites during the 40 years in the desert. The instructions are explicit that absolutely nothing of the Amalekites' civilization is to be spared, incl. the livestock. After the campaign, Samuel returns to Saul's side and is greated by the sounds of animals in the camp. Saul claims to have done as commanded. Verse 13 and following: ...and Saul said to him (Samuel) "Blessed be you to the Lord; I have performed the commandment of the Lord." And Samuel said, "What then is this bleating of the sheep in my ears and the lowing of the oxen that I hear?" I've always liked the sarcasm just dripping from Samuel's words there.

There's also a great scene in 1 Kings 18 when Elijah confronts the 450 prophets of Baal. Elijah proposes a contest. Two sacrifices, one to Baal and one to God would be set up. The god who lights his own sacrifice wins. (slight simplification) Anyway, Elijah lets the prophets of Baal go first. They set up the sacrifice and then dance and yell and go through all sorts of rituals all day to get Baal's attention. See vs 26 and following for the good stuff - Elijah begins taunting the other prophets: "Cry aloud, for if he is a god, either he is musing or has gone aside, or he is on a journey or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened." Even after all-day rituals the sacrifice remains unlit. The best part of the story is what happens next. Elijah dumps a large quantity of water over his sacrifice and the stone altar it is on. Following a brief prayer (vs 37, 38) the fire of God falls from the sky consuming the sacrifice, the wood, the water AND the stones of the altar itself. Cool, huh?
#16
Old 04-15-2003, 01:50 PM
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And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. (Ezekiel 4:12)

Hath he not sent me to the men that sit upon the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? (Isaiah 36:12)
#17
Old 04-15-2003, 02:46 PM
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Vanitas Vanitatum

Eccles. 9:10: Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whithere thou goest.

I have to hazard a guess that many Christians sort of glide over this verse...
#18
Old 04-15-2003, 04:40 PM
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Exodus 22:19: Those who fornicate with animals must die.

I'd like to see that engraved on confirmation gifts.
#19
Old 04-15-2003, 05:25 PM
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II Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind"

Not in the same spirit as the ones about drinking your own piss, but I found it cool.
#20
Old 04-15-2003, 09:27 PM
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Again, not with the funny/offensive theme, but I like this one. It's a good summary of the kind of life I hope I'm living.

Be on guard. Stand true to what you believe. Be corageous. Be strong. And everything you do must be done with love. ~ICorinthians 16:13-14
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#21
Old 04-16-2003, 09:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by DesertGeezer



Yup, pretty rusty. The story is about Lot offering his daughters to the crowd of Sodomites who asked him to send out to them the "men" who were guests in Lot's house. Apparently neither the Sodomites nor Lot knew that the "men" were angels. The Sodomites did not rape or kill anyone, as the angels struck them blind. The story is in Genesis.

.
Go back to Judges chapter 19. The Levite, his concubine, the city of Gibiah, and the Tribe of Benjamin.

[Road Rash is not so rusty after all...
#22
Old 04-16-2003, 09:48 AM
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Whenever someone is depressed, I reccommend to them reading and applying Genesis 2:25.

(Look it up)

#23
Old 04-16-2003, 05:23 PM
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can someone look that up please?

I like the more upbeat ones better then the offensive ones, can I get some more
#24
Old 04-16-2003, 05:36 PM
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Online Bible

Quote:
Genesis 2:25

The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
#25
Old 04-16-2003, 06:01 PM
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One church I went to had 1 Corinthians 15:51 posted on the door to the nursery:

"We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed."
#26
Old 04-16-2003, 08:53 PM
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"Prove all things, hold fast that which is good."
1Thessalonians 5:21

I still have that up on the wardrobe door, after ten years. I'm not religious, but that is a good line.
#27
Old 04-16-2003, 09:07 PM
lel lel is offline
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I forgot two more.

The story of Eutychus:

Quote:
Acts 20:7-12 (NIV)

7On the first day of the week we came together to break bread. Paul spoke to the people and, because he intended to leave the next day, kept on talking until midnight. 8There were many lamps in the upstairs room where we were meeting. 9Seated in a window was a young man named Eutychus, who was sinking into a deep sleep as Paul talked on and on. When he was sound asleep, he fell to the ground from the third story and was picked up dead. 10Paul went down, threw himself on the young man and put his arms around him. "Don't be alarmed," he said. "He's alive!" 11Then he went upstairs again and broke bread and ate. After talking until daylight, he left. 12The people took the young man home alive and were greatly comforted.
The defeat of Og, king of Bashan:

Quote:
Deuteronomy 3:1-11 (NIV)
1 Next we turned and went up along the road toward Bashan, and Og king of Bashan with his whole army marched out to meet us in battle at Edrei. 2 The LORD said to me, "Do not be afraid of him, for I have handed him over to you with his whole army and his land. Do to him what you did to Sihon king of the Amorites, who reigned in Heshbon."
3 So the LORD our God also gave into our hands Og king of Bashan and all his army. We struck them down, leaving no survivors. 4 At that time we took all his cities. There was not one of the sixty cities that we did not take from them-the whole region of Argob, Og's kingdom in Bashan. 5 All these cities were fortified with high walls and with gates and bars, and there were also a great many unwalled villages. 6 We completely destroyed them, as we had done with Sihon king of Heshbon, destroying every city-men, women and children. 7 But all the livestock and the plunder from their cities we carried off for ourselves.
8 So at that time we took from these two kings of the Amorites the territory east of the Jordan, from the Arnon Gorge as far as Mount Hermon. 9 (Hermon is called Sirion by the Sidonians; the Amorites call it Senir.) 10 We took all the towns on the plateau, and all Gilead, and all Bashan as far as Salecah and Edrei, towns of Og's kingdom in Bashan. 11 (Only Og king of Bashan was left of the remnant of the Rephaites. His bed was made of iron and was more than thirteen feet long and six feet wide. It is still in Rabbah of the Ammonites.)
#28
Old 04-17-2003, 01:35 AM
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Revelation 2:23 (KJV) "And I will kill her children with death . . ."

Kill them with death. With death.

I find that funny. Like we couldn't find another word or another way of killing, like axes or hamburgers or lawn gnomes or something.
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