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#1
Old 08-01-2005, 04:55 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Funniest Monty Burns quotes

"So, the caterpiller has emerged from the cocoon. As a shark. With a gun for a mouth."
#2
Old 08-01-2005, 04:58 PM
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::singing::

"Like my loafers? Former gophers!"
#3
Old 08-01-2005, 04:58 PM
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Smither: People see you as somewhat of an ogre.

Burns: Why I ought to club them and eat their bones!
#4
Old 08-01-2005, 04:59 PM
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"Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!"
#5
Old 08-01-2005, 05:00 PM
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When Smithers was helping him get something to eat out of a can that wouldn't open:
Smithers "Would you like me to order some Chinese, sir?"
Burns "No, those people are all Gristle."


Hah!
#6
Old 08-01-2005, 05:03 PM
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"Ketchup. Catsup. Ketchup. Catsup..."
#7
Old 08-01-2005, 05:04 PM
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Mr. Burns:
Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?

Smithers:
There's no 'maybe' about it, sir.

Mr. Burns
(wiping a tear from his eye)
Excellent...
#8
Old 08-01-2005, 05:19 PM
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"Have the Rolling Stones killed."
#9
Old 08-01-2005, 05:22 PM
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[Click] "I said, get in.
#10
Old 08-01-2005, 05:22 PM
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This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
#11
Old 08-01-2005, 05:25 PM
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If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty! And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars, then I'm guilty of that too! And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then I'll soon be guilty of that too!

--Cliffy
#12
Old 08-01-2005, 05:31 PM
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"Begin the thawing of Jim Nabors"*

"I like to put my feet up"*

"I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Back then, of course, if the fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!"

*In case you haven't heard these, context is important.
#13
Old 08-01-2005, 05:33 PM
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Homer's impression: Exactly... heh heh heh heh.... D'oh!
#14
Old 08-01-2005, 05:34 PM
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After someone comments the greatness of the just concluded boxing match:
"Oh, hogwash! Why, I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett fight some Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and fifteen rounds! Of course, back then if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back.*

Pash

*may or not be exact quote
#15
Old 08-01-2005, 05:37 PM
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D'oh!

Allright, how about:

"Oh, hey there, uh . . . Mr. Brown-Shoes! How about that . . . local sports team!"
#16
Old 08-01-2005, 05:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Max Carnage
"Have the Rolling Stones killed."
"But sir, those aren't the..."
#17
Old 08-01-2005, 05:49 PM
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"We expressd our love physically, which was the fashion of the day."

"Smithers, I'm enjoying this, so-called, 'iced cream'".

After King Homer (Kong) starts smashing the city; "I'm dreading the reviews, I'll say that much."
#18
Old 08-01-2005, 06:01 PM
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"Hold on there, maestro. There's a New Mexico?"
#19
Old 08-01-2005, 06:15 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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"Simpson, put my hand on her knee.

"I said 'her.' And I said 'knee.'"
#20
Old 08-01-2005, 06:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by randwill
"Smithers, I'm enjoying this, so-called, 'iced cream'".
That's sort of becoming a running joke. In a recent episode he says, "We might get stung by a bumbled bee."

And I don't know if it's an exact quote but it sounds like something he'd say and I like to use around the office: "I'm tired of your nincompoopery!"
#21
Old 08-01-2005, 06:21 PM
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"Is it about my cube?"
#22
Old 08-01-2005, 06:28 PM
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Release the Robotic Richard Simmons!
#23
Old 08-01-2005, 06:43 PM
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"Your job and the future of your family hinges on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing - you must find the jade monkey....before the next full moon...

Actually sir, we found the jade monkey, it was in your glove compartment.

And the road maps? And ice scraper?

They were in there too.

Excellent! It's all falling into place..."

---------------------------------------

"'It was the best of times, it was the Blurst of times?!! You stupid monkey!!!"

---------------------------------------

<ding-dong>

(Through intercom) "Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing Army of the undead."

"Uh, sir, you have to let go of the button."

"Oh, son of a----"

-----------------------------------------

Lisa: "Does your plant have a recycling program?"

Burns: "Reeeee-cYYY YYY y-cling?? [Brain scans dicrionary...] He heh - I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term."

Lisa (something about Mother Nature, can't remember)

Burns: "Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she's losing? Well, I say 'Hard cheese!'"

Lisa: "But nature's not our enemy."

Burns: "Well, surely you agree we can do without her."

Lisa: "No, I don't agree."

Burns: "Heh heh...shutup little girl."

------------------------------------------

"Look at them all, through the darkness I'm bringing - they're not sad at all - they're actually singing!...they sing without juicers...they sing without blenders....
they sing without flundgers, cap-dabbulers and smandlers!"
#24
Old 08-01-2005, 06:48 PM
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Burns: Who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: That's the Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.
Burns: Ex-cellent.
#25
Old 08-01-2005, 06:49 PM
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"I really like the vest."

"So I gathered, sir."
#26
Old 08-01-2005, 06:53 PM
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"Dough-nuts? I told you - I don't like foreign food!"

------------------

"Excuse me, do you know where I can find the Burns-O's?"
#27
Old 08-01-2005, 07:05 PM
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These are Excellent! My favorite tho is MB's as a straightman (so to speak)

Burns: So another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing this weekend, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt.

Smithers: Wha - what?

Burns: You know, lighthearted, fancy-free, mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town.

Smithers: Exactly, sir.
---------
If that is cheating then these are Burns being funny

Burns: Quick Smithers. Bring the mind eraser device!

Smithers:You mean the revolver, sir?

Burns: Precisely.

or

Burns: I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
#28
Old 08-01-2005, 07:27 PM
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Mr. Smithers: I have to tell you something...I...I love you.
Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, thank you for making the last moments that I'm on Earth akward.
#29
Old 08-01-2005, 07:27 PM
HPL HPL is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmmy
Burns: Quick Smithers. Bring the mind eraser device!

Smithers:You mean the revolver, sir?

Burns: Precisely.
.
"Don't forget to wipe your own memory, Smithers!"
#30
Old 08-01-2005, 07:29 PM
HPL HPL is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by randwill
"After King Homer (Kong) starts smashing the city; "I'm dreading the reviews, I'll say that much."
"I remember when Al Joltsen ran amok and climbed the Chysler Building. After that, he couldn't get arrested in this town."
#31
Old 08-01-2005, 07:33 PM
HPL HPL is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by interface2x
"Dough-nuts? I told you - I don't like foreign food!"
Ethnic food
__________________
"I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty"
-Groucho Marx
#32
Old 08-01-2005, 07:37 PM
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Addressing the workers at the power plant

"Gentlemen! It is imperative that we crush the rebels before the start of the rainy season! And a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya."

Smithers hastily whispers something in Burns' ear.

"Oh! And by that I mean it's time to choose the employee of the month!"
#33
Old 08-01-2005, 07:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by teela brown
"Like my loafers? Former gophers!"
It was that or skin my chauffeurs.
#34
Old 08-01-2005, 07:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RandMcnally
Mr. Smithers: I have to tell you something...I...I love you.
Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, thank you for making the last moments that I'm on Earth akward.
Likewise:

Smithers: I don't think women and seamen mix, sir.
Burns: Well, we know what you think.
#35
Old 08-01-2005, 07:55 PM
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Burns gets a left handed can-opener and mocks the can of cat-food that had so frustrated him

"Ah, the worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend?
Look at you, you were once so proud. Feel the wrath of
the left hand of Burns!"
#36
Old 08-01-2005, 08:00 PM
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[After extended sequence of Burns laughing for days...]
What was I laughing at again? Oh yes, that crippled Irishman! [Begins laughing again.]
#37
Old 08-01-2005, 08:06 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Biffy the Elephant Shrew
It was that or skin my chauffeurs.
He reminds me of that man. You know, the one who stands. Rory Calhoun.
#38
Old 08-01-2005, 08:07 PM
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Burns: Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?

Post Office Kid: Uh, I better look in the manual.
#39
Old 08-01-2005, 08:31 PM
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BURNS: We'll dig up Al Jolson!

SMITHERS: Errmm . . . we already did that, sir.

BURNS: Oh, yes. He was dead, wasn't he? And rather ripe. The rest of that evening I'd just as soon forget.
#40
Old 08-01-2005, 08:34 PM
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I suspect you need more practice operating your telephone machine.

Not at all. Ahoy!
#41
Old 08-01-2005, 09:20 PM
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Burns: I've always felt that there's far too much hysteria these days about so-called cheating. If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift or the jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say cheating is the gift man gives himself!

Homer: Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat.

Burns: Excellent.

****

Burns: Ah, my beloved plant, how I've missed her. Bah, to hell with this! Get my razors! Draw a bath! And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet!

Smithers: Certainly, sir. And the jars of urine?

Burns: Oh, we'll hang on to those.


****

"You idiot! Homer Simpson doesn't say 'B'oh!", he says..." [flips through very thick script] "D'oh! Get it right!"
#42
Old 08-01-2005, 09:34 PM
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Burns (upon wanting to be loved like a Richard Branson tycoon) to Homer:

Burns: You, feedbag. I want you to love me.

Homer: I'm going to need some beer.

To Rodney Dangerfield:


Burns (to his son): Well, at least I know there is a kidney out there for me.
#43
Old 08-01-2005, 09:39 PM
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A Broadway play about a doll? How proposterous. Next thing you know, you'll tell me there's a play about the common housecat, or the king of Siam.

And it's "Like my loafers..."

He reminds me of that man. You know, the one who's always walking and talking.
#44
Old 08-01-2005, 09:41 PM
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"Does anyone have change for a button?"
#45
Old 08-01-2005, 10:00 PM
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(Burns and the assasin are dressed as Marge and Homer)

Assasin: D'oh!...Not again!

Burns: I've had it up to here with your constant numb-skullery!

Smithers (as bart): If anyone wants me I'll be in the car, dudes.
#46
Old 08-01-2005, 10:10 PM
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"This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials."

Burns: "Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?"
Smithers: "If you did it, sir?"
#47
Old 08-01-2005, 10:22 PM
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-Smithers! Get in the Spruce Moose.
-Um, sir...
- (Cocks gun.) Get. In.
#48
Old 08-01-2005, 10:53 PM
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When filling out a medical history form: "Reason for parents' death?" [menacingly] They got in my way....

At the salad bar: These vegetables are protected by some kind of force-field!

At the ball game: Smithers! Massage my brain!

In the graveyard: Bad corpse! [whack!] Bad corpse! [whack!] Stop [whack!] scaring [whack!] Smithers!
#49
Old 08-01-2005, 11:01 PM
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Burns: Smithers, I think I'll write a check to the Springfield Orphanage...when pigs fly!
(both laugh)
(Homer's roasted pig sails past the window)
(stop laughing)
Smithers: Er, will you be writing that check now, sir?
Burns: Mm...no, I'd rather not.

###

Burns: Very well. Give the men their "tar-tar sauce."

###

Ohh, Ziggy, will you ever win?
#50
Old 08-01-2005, 11:07 PM
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Oh, Tuttle's Sunday trousers. Fear not, I'll get you to a hospital -- the only way I know how. Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that flange, now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!
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