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#1
Old 10-11-2008, 11:50 PM
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My Husband is at a Strip Club and I Can't Stop Crying

Dear husband,

Why the fuck did you have to go there tonight? Really, why did you fucking have to?!?! “It’s my buddy’s bachelor party. Do you really want me to miss it?” you said. Like that somehow makes this all right. Like that somehow makes ME the bad guy here for being pissed that you went to this damn club. It’s not like my hatred for strip clubs is totally unfounded.

About a year ago, not two weeks before our wedding I sat at home 7 months pregnant big as a house, insecure as all hell to begin with while you and your “buddies” went to a strip club for your very own bachelor party. Everyone assured me that it was “no big deal.” “Guys go to these things all the time,” they said. “It means nothing.” Well last time I checked what you did while you were there was far from “no big deal.” And while it may have meant nothing to you it sure as hell meant a lot to me.

It was bad enough that you got a private lap lance. But it was something that I agreed to ahead of time. I tried to be that “cool fiancé” so assured that it all “means nothing and is no big deal.” I was upset when you went but I thought that a simple lap dance was as far as it would go. A 5- minute little show then you’d be coming back to me, never to happen again. But no, it was WAY more than a little 5 minute show. “I was drunk,” you said. “It meant nothing,” you said.

So it meant nothing when she kissed you. It meant nothing when she stuck her nipple in your mouth. Her NIPPLE!!!!! It meant nothing when she rode your crotch for over twenty damn minutes and made you cum! It meant nothing when she offered to take you to a private room and fuck you! Thank God you said no to that offer or I would have dumped your ass right then and there - wedding or no wedding, baby or no baby.

I’m glad you felt better after you told me what happened. I’m glad that your guilty conscience was relieved of its guilt. How did it feel to look down at me hysterically crying that night? How did it feel to hear me tell you you cheated on me that night? How the fuck would you have handled it if you found out that I had kissed some stripper, stuck my nipple in his mouth, and then grinded up against HIS crotch until I came?? Oh, no, I couldn’t have done that for my bachelorette party. You see strip clubs don’t take to kindly to huge pregnant women coming in to oogle the men.

So now this brings us back to tonight. You’re out again at yet another strip club with another group of buddies for another bachelor party. I told you how much I hated that you wanted to go. I hate it with every fiber of my being. I hate that men can go to these places, walk in the front door, and they are somehow absolved of all guilt. Somehow strip club + lots of booze + bachelor party = a license to cheat.

Now I know that I’m not your keeper. You don’t need my permission to do anything or go anywhere. Our relationship does not now and will not ever work like that. So telling you that you couldn’t go tonight didn’t even cross my mind. What I want to know is why you went, knowing our history. This place is even sleazier than the last one so who know what the hell they allow to happen there. Having a few beers in you was somehow enough of a justification then for what you did less than two weeks before our fucking wedding!!

I want to trust you so badly and I do, normally. Other than that one night I have never had any reason not to trust you. You even told me what happened afterward. You knew how much it would hurt me, but you knew that you had to be honest with me. I thank you for that. Really, I do. Just please, I’m begging you, stay away from these damn strip clubs.

Love,
Wife
#2
Old 10-11-2008, 11:55 PM
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You really should have posted this in MPSIMS because you might not like the response you get here. I will refrain from posting what I think in light of how upset you are.
#3
Old 10-11-2008, 11:57 PM
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I have requested a move.
#4
Old 10-11-2008, 11:58 PM
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*HUG*

Sorry to hear about all that. Strip clubs are really awful places. It's tough to understand how a man would choose being in one over being with his wife, bachelor party or no. Miss the damn party. Better that that grievously upset your wife.

The whole bachelor party thing is degrading and stupid. I avoided having one when I got married this summer.
#5
Old 10-11-2008, 11:59 PM
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Originally Posted by askeptic View Post
You really should have posted this in MPSIMS because you might not like the response you get here. I will refrain from posting what I think in light of how upset you are.
This is a very tactful response, and like askeptic I'm going to save my response until later on as you're probably not going to agree with it and I don't think that's what you were hoping to get out of this thread.
#6
Old 10-12-2008, 12:01 AM
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What a selfish ass. I'd've told him he could obviously do anything he wanted to do, but if that included something that was so utterly disrespectful of my feelings, he may as well pack a bag on his way out, because he'd find the locks changed when he got back.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
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#7
Old 10-12-2008, 12:04 AM
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A lot of guys go to strip clubs. They do not necessarily cheat on their wives. They do not have affairs with the women. It is a suckers game and wastes a lot of money. But the only real threat to a marriage is if you make it that way. It has nothing to do with you.
If he goes every time there is a bachelor party, he does not go often. Get over it. If you choose not to, both of you will be miserable for a long time. That is a crappy payoff.
#8
Old 10-12-2008, 12:05 AM
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Sorry to hear, OP.

I believe in letting consenting adults do what they do. My views are colored by my values. For what it's worth I agree with you, but maybe that wasn't the deal you made with your husband.

My only advice is that you fix the situation...I mean, if I read you correctly you now have a child together. I understand you trying to take the high road, but the stakes are much higher now. You have a child to consider and if this is going to cause a deeper rift between you and the husband, you have to address with him.
#9
Old 10-12-2008, 12:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Martini Enfield View Post
This is a very tactful response, and like askeptic I'm going to save my response until later on as you're probably not going to agree with it and I don't think that's what you were hoping to get out of this thread.
I am not looking to only get responses from those that agree with me. The whole strip club scene is one that I truly don't understand or agree with. If anyone could shed some light on it so to speak, I'd appreciate it.

On the whole, I think strip clubs are fine. I even went to a co-ed club with my husband down in New Orleans. The clubs can provide a place for guys to go and unwind, to fantasize about other women, hang out with their buddies, whatever. Before last year, I viewed them as basically just one step up from porn. Where it crosses the line for me is when these fantasies become reality and physical interactions take place.
#10
Old 10-12-2008, 12:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Shayna View Post
What a selfish ass. I'd've told him he could obviously do anything he wanted to do, but if that included something that was so utterly disrespectful of my feelings, he may as well pack a bag on his way out, because he'd find the locks changed when he got back.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

That's a great answer, just what we need, another kid growing up in a broken home...
#11
Old 10-12-2008, 12:08 AM
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I sympathise with the OP, and If it was me I'd stay at home, but Peer-Presure is more powerful than you think. Imagine how offended if the friend who's batchelor part it is would be if his best mate didn't go?
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#12
Old 10-12-2008, 12:08 AM
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The issue is not the strip club. It's that this man obviously doesn't care enough about his wife's needs to not go given his history and the fact that she's obviously upset about it. Going to a strip club isn't bad- choosing a strip club over your wife's feelings is bad.
#13
Old 10-12-2008, 12:09 AM
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I've moved the thread to MPSIMS.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, DoperChic. He made the wrong call in going, and I hope you're able to work past it soon.
#14
Old 10-12-2008, 12:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gonzomax View Post
A lot of guys go to strip clubs. They do not necessarily cheat on their wives. They do not have affairs with the women. It is a suckers game and wastes a lot of money. But the only real threat to a marriage is if you make it that way. It has nothing to do with you.
If he goes every time there is a bachelor party, he does not go often. Get over it. If you choose not to, both of you will be miserable for a long time. That is a crappy payoff.
Uh, did you read the part about the happy ending lap dance? She has a right to be pissed.

Under normal circumstances, I would think the OP is being overly sensitive, but, again, given his history, the circumstances aren't normal.
#15
Old 10-12-2008, 12:10 AM
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Oh Hell no! If my husband had done that before we got married, he wouldn't be going to a strip club again. If he did go when he knew how much it was obviouly hurting me... I don't know. As his wife you deserve more respect.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I agree with everything you're saying about strip clubs.

I guess the next time the Chippendales come to your town, we know where you'll be!
#16
Old 10-12-2008, 12:10 AM
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Cut her some slack, guys.

There's a difference between "omg all strip clubs are nasty and you are a disgrace to me if you ever set foot in one!" and "For very specific reasons, I was devistated the last time you did this thing. It was even devistating to you. It would really hurt me if you did it again. And now you're doing it again..."
#17
Old 10-12-2008, 12:17 AM
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*HUGS* to the OP.

I'm sitting here feeling all emotional over this. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm not the crying type, but your OP really got to me. And nothing like what is happening to you has ever happened to me. I can just feel your pain. I hope you're able to feel better soon.
#18
Old 10-12-2008, 12:18 AM
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While I agree husband is an ass, it doesn't seem to be the big deal you are making it either. I don't really like strip clubs myself. When I do go it's usually to play a game or two of pool with the guys. I honestly don't pay much attention to the dancers.

If you man is going to be unfaithful, I doubt it will be a strip club that will be your relationship's undoing.


Sorry for your pain.
#19
Old 10-12-2008, 12:20 AM
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*Group hug from the Straight Dope*
#20
Old 10-12-2008, 12:21 AM
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Ah women. Can't live with em, can't live without em.
#21
Old 10-12-2008, 12:21 AM
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Originally Posted by askeptic View Post
That's a great answer, just what we need, another kid growing up in a broken home...
I have absolutely zero intentions of leaving my husband over this. It is something that we need to work through, and will.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alice The Goon View Post
The issue is not the strip club. It's that this man obviously doesn't care enough about his wife's needs to not go given his history and the fact that she's obviously upset about it. Going to a strip club isn't bad- choosing a strip club over your wife's feelings is bad.
Alice The Goon, you've hit the nail right on the head. My husband has gone to strip clubs several times since we've been together (almost 8 years now). Each time, I was extremely uneasy about it and let him know this. He still went. I will never forget the look in his eyes the first time he told me about what happened during one of his first visits. I was genuinely curious, so I pressured him into telling me what happened that night. I was expecting some lame short story abot some ugly chicks wiggling around the stage and how it did nothing for him. Instead, he got so excited telling me all about what they did, in graphic detail, to his bachelor friend. I was pissed about it, but he brushed that off as it just being the guy's bachelor party. That right there should have been enough of a warning for me about what was to come.
#22
Old 10-12-2008, 12:25 AM
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Originally Posted by gonzomax View Post
A lot of guys go to strip clubs. They do not necessarily cheat on their wives. They do not have affairs with the women. It is a suckers game and wastes a lot of money. But the only real threat to a marriage is if you make it that way. It has nothing to do with you.
I wouldn't have put it quite as bluntly as that, but yeah.

I haven't been to a strip club since I was 18 for the simple reason that I don't enjoy paying money to have women that probably hate me pretending to be interested in me purely to lighten my wallet.

FWIW I've never heard of a strip club where you can suck on the stripper's breasts or have intercourse with them, but as I said before it's been a long time since I was in a strip club and they were "gentlemen's clubs" rather than sleazy titty bars.

I'm probably not the best person to be having a sexual morality discussion with, though...
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#23
Old 10-12-2008, 12:25 AM
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Originally Posted by ZipperJJ View Post
Cut her some slack, guys.

There's a difference between "omg all strip clubs are nasty and you are a disgrace to me if you ever set foot in one!" and "For very specific reasons, I was devistated the last time you did this thing. It was even devistating to you. It would really hurt me if you did it again. And now you're doing it again..."

Agreed. This isn't about strip clubs. This is about what happened the last time he went to a strip clubs and committed a sexual act with a stripper while his pregnant fiancee sat at home.

I'm disgusted for you, DoperChic, and try not to pay attention to the harsh ridicule that will surely follow. Strip clubs aren't a big deal until they represent emotional betrayal by a loved one.
#24
Old 10-12-2008, 12:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Don't fight the hypothetical View Post
While I agree husband is an ass, it doesn't seem to be the big deal you are making it either. I don't really like strip clubs myself. When I do go it's usually to play a game or two of pool with the guys. I honestly don't pay much attention to the dancers.

If you man is going to be unfaithful, I doubt it will be a strip club that will be your relationship's undoing.


Sorry for your pain.
My husband says he understands why I think what he did was cheating. What he doesn't understand is why is was wrong. It's as though walking into that damn strip club on the night of his bachelor party somehow made anything that happened that night just a part of some normal right of passage. Like he had no choice in the matter it was just expected and totally OK. His friends were actually proud of him for it.

The crazy thing about it all is that I know my husband wouldn't even remotely consider doing anything like this in a normal environment. I trust him completely not to cheat in any other scenario. Again, it goes back to the no-holds-barred environment of the clubs.
#25
Old 10-12-2008, 12:30 AM
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In his mind, it probably isn't cheating. Some men that go to strip clubs are able to completely objectify the strippers and not see them at all as a real person. They're more like a very bendy RealDoll than an actual woman that he could ever develop an emotional connection to. Whether you see that as a good quality to have in a husband is up to you.

Last edited by Alice The Goon; 10-12-2008 at 12:31 AM.
#26
Old 10-12-2008, 12:31 AM
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This is in no way a good thing, it's a bad thing, and it might depend on what country you're in, but an unfortunate characteristic of the modern male is that bachelor night is the one night it's ok to chain another human being naked to a lamppost in hull with rude words drawn on his head in permanent marker. Just as it's 'ok' to do strip clubs on that night.

To re-iterate. Bad thing. I do sympathise. I'd like to think I'm not infected with this particular aspect of Maleness.

Edit: If I were in that situation I'd find it quite easy to say to my BEST friend "Are you kidding?? My wife* would HATE that! Not going."










*(Scarlett Johansson)
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Last edited by Lobsang; 10-12-2008 at 12:33 AM.
#27
Old 10-12-2008, 12:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Alice The Goon View Post
In his mind, it probably isn't cheating. Some men that go to strip clubs are able to completely objectify the strippers and not see them at all as a real person. They're more like a very bendy RealDoll than an actual woman that he could ever develop an emotional connection to. Whether you see that as a good quality to have in a husband is up to you.
Again, I think you've nailed this one perfectly. I absolutely do not see this as a good quality. In fact it almost makes things worse. As of now he only feels bad because I feel bad, not because he thinks that what he did was really and truly wrong. It's how he can so easily justify going to another bachelor party. Especially since now he's not the one in the hot seat given free reign to do as he pleases. Just having him be a part of that tonight disgusts me.
#28
Old 10-12-2008, 12:38 AM
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I agree with Lobsang. This is not a good thing in any way, shape, or form.
#29
Old 10-12-2008, 12:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Lobsang View Post
This is in no way a good thing, it's a bad thing, and it might depend on what country you're in, but an unfortunate characteristic of the modern male is that bachelor night is the one night it's ok to chain another human being naked to a lamppost in hull with rude words drawn on his head in permanent marker. Just as it's 'ok' to do strip clubs on that night.

To re-iterate. Bad thing. I do sympathise. I'd like to think I'm not infected with this particular aspect of Maleness.

Edit: If I were in that situation I'd find it quite easy to say to my BEST friend "Are you kidding?? My wife* would HATE that! Not going."










*(Scarlett Johansson)

Thanks, Lobsang, your edit made me laugh for the first time tonight.
#30
Old 10-12-2008, 12:40 AM
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Originally Posted by DoperChic View Post
I have absolutely zero intentions of leaving my husband over this. It is something that we need to work through, and will.



Good for you. My comment was directed at Shayna.

I don't go to strip clubs and if I planned on going for a friends bachelor party and my wife got this upset I would not go, best friends party or not. I would think my wife was being silly and would talk to her about it. This is what I think is the bigger problem, your husband knows how you feel and did it anyway. That is what I think you should focus on, not that you don't like how he acts at strip clubs or that you don't like strip clubs. No matter how he (or others) feels about them he absolutely should not feel that making you feel this bad is acceptable.


ETA- when I say focus on I mean when you talk to him about it.

and I thought I should type feel one more time because apparently I am all feely tonight...

Last edited by askeptic; 10-12-2008 at 12:43 AM. Reason: clarification
#31
Old 10-12-2008, 12:42 AM
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Is there a checklist of questions out there somewhere for engaged persons? It would be great to identify these issues before saying "I do."

1) Your spouse is invited to a bachelor(ette) party at a strip club and wants to go.

2) Your spouse says a relative needs to come stay with you, possibly for months.

3) Your spouse wants to change careers, which will require going back to school and a downsizing of your lifestyle.

Your reactions? Discuss.


That sort of thing. I wonder how many people discover, after having the kid, that one parent is pro-corporal punishment and the other is anti-. That's not to say that a lot of grooms-to-be wouldn't lie---"No, baby, a strip club? Never!" But at least they'd be on the record.

These days, I would guess that "normal" guys may be invited to bachelor's parties where there would be a stripper and the harm might be acceptable. E.g. "Look but don't touch" is something a lot of women can accept; what was discussed in the OP is way over the line, IMO.

There was a thread in here months ago about Hooters, how a man took the wife and 2.4 kids there; they felt it was wrong but he called it family entertainment. His teenaged daughter sucked him in---"I'm glad you feel that way because I applied for a job here and I start next month." Suddenly, the father told her no way no how, and well, you know....

If said husband would let another man put his wife's nipple in his mouth, maybe it isn't. Yeah, she could go see some Chippendales, stuff some bills into the g-string, see how hubby likes it.

Quoting OP:
I have absolutely zero intentions of leaving my husband over this. It is something that we need to work through, and will.


I'm iffy about looking at it that way. I mean, there are plenty of things that stress a relationship. In and of itself this may not make you feel like you have to ask for a divorce, but if other things come along---e.g. losing a job or health problems or whatever---having this also on your mind is a burden you don't need.
#32
Old 10-12-2008, 12:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Lobsang View Post
Edit: If I were in that situation I'd find it quite easy to say to my BEST friend "Are you kidding?? My wife* would HATE that! Not going."
And you could watch as your social life evaporated once you got a reputation as being "under the thumb" or "on a very short leash".

Sure, you can bust out the tired arguments about how "real friends wouldn't blah blah blah" but Real Life™ doesn't always work that way and if I was in that situation I'd either make a "Guest Appearance" at the club (ie, show up for an hour then leave with an excuse about a Major Crisis™ at work or something) or find a reason not to go that didn't involve saying "My wife won't let me". FWIW, my wife has no problem with me going to strip clubs, but as I said before I've got no desire to do so. I've got no problem with other people going to them or their general existence etc, though.

Last edited by Martini Enfield; 10-12-2008 at 12:42 AM. Reason: coding
#33
Old 10-12-2008, 12:42 AM
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Originally Posted by DoperChic View Post
Again, it goes back to the no-holds-barred environment of the clubs.
I'm hearing you and I got that from your OP.

In my experience the "no-holds-barred environment " is a myth. Not that I have a lot of experience, but I've been to clubs in several states and there has always been a very strict no-touch rule. VERY strict. Further I don't know anyone who considers strip clubs some sort of magical exception to the faithfulness rule.

I'm really not trying to be a dick or make you feel worse, but the strip club is not the problem.

I really am sorry for what you are going through.
#34
Old 10-12-2008, 12:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Don't fight the hypothetical View Post
When I do go it's usually to play a game or two of pool with the guys. I honestly don't pay much attention to the dancers.
So why go to a strip club and not a bar or pool hall?
#35
Old 10-12-2008, 12:46 AM
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I like to go to strip clubs, but I don't have the OP's husband's history nor do I have a wife who has expressed her displeasure at my going to them. Given the facts as laid out in the OP, I think the OP's husband is acting like a grade A D-bag.
#36
Old 10-12-2008, 12:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Don't fight the hypothetical View Post
I'm hearing you and I got that from your OP.

In my experience the "no-holds-barred environment " is a myth. Not that I have a lot of experience, but I've been to clubs in several states and there has always been a very strict no-touch rule. VERY strict. Further I don't know anyone who considers strip clubs some sort of magical exception to the faithfulness rule.

I'm really not trying to be a dick or make you feel worse, but the strip club is not the problem.

I really am sorry for what you are going through.
I didn't intend to imply that my problem is with the clubs themselves. I actually agree with everything you have said in your post. My problem is with the attitude that some men seem to have about what is OK to happen while there, especially during a bachelor party. My husband's small group of friends seem to have this attitude to the point to where it is not only OK, but expected that something will definitely happen that night that would never ever be acceptable in any other situation.
#37
Old 10-12-2008, 12:53 AM
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My husband has gone to a few strip clubs. He went a couple times before we were married, and then for his own bachelor party which ended up just being him, his brother and one other guy. It didn't bother me a bit. But the two guys I had dated before him drove me nuts when they went. I was like you, begging them not to go, and crying my eyes out, and worrying while they were gone.

Something changed when I hit 30. I met my hubby then and married him when I was 32. I really don't get upset about that kind of thing anymore. In fact things that used to bug me, like one of my boyfriends salivating over nude women anywhere, even tv commercials is so funny to me now. If I see a naked woman with a good set of boobs on TV now, I yell for the hubby to come look!

My point...it is all about the individual. It is how they treat you, and how they make you feel. I finally found a guy I don't have to worry about. And it has been so nice to give up almost all of that jealous crazy behavior I had in my youth. It was not fun for anyone.

Good luck with your man. I hope he is behaving, or having a boring time.
One time my hubby went to a bachelor party at a strip bar that was so lame, that the guys all ended up leaving and playing poker instead!
#38
Old 10-12-2008, 12:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Martini Enfield View Post
And you could watch as your social life evaporated once you got a reputation as being "under the thumb" or "on a very short leash".

Sure, you can bust out the tired arguments about how "real friends wouldn't blah blah blah" but Real Life™ doesn't always work that way and if I was in that situation I'd either make a "Guest Appearance" at the club (ie, show up for an hour then leave with an excuse about a Major Crisis™ at work or something) or find a reason not to go that didn't involve saying "My wife won't let me". FWIW, my wife has no problem with me going to strip clubs, but as I said before I've got no desire to do so. I've got no problem with other people going to them or their general existence etc, though.

I have absolutely no problem telling my friends that my wife doesn't want me to do something. I don't go to strip clubs but I do go skiing and kayaking often. Occasionally my wife says don't go for one reason or another even at the last minute and I will say my wife won't let me go. If my friends have a problem with that they can go fuck themselves. A healthy relationship seems better than making up excuses about a crisis at work.
#39
Old 10-12-2008, 01:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DoperChic View Post
So it meant nothing when she kissed you. It meant nothing when she stuck her nipple in your mouth. Her NIPPLE!!!!! It meant nothing when she rode your crotch for over twenty damn minutes and made you cum! It meant nothing when she offered to take you to a private room and fuck you! Thank God you said no to that offer or I would have dumped your ass right then and there - wedding or no wedding, baby or no baby.
The kissing and nipple thing is weird and I've not seen that happen at strip clubs, the nipple thing especially would be against the rules at any club I've ever been to. As far as her riding his crotch though, what exactly did you think a lap dance was?
#40
Old 10-12-2008, 01:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lobotomyboy63 View Post
Is there a checklist of questions out there somewhere for engaged persons? It would be great to identify these issues before saying "I do."

snip
Catholics have classes they go to before marriage called Pre-Cana classes. Although I do not consider myself to be Catholic, I have always liked the idea behind these classes. Primarily because part of their intent is to discuss just these sorts of questions, although I don't think the whole strip club issue would pop up too frequently in discussions with your priest.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CAT=^..^= View Post
My husband has gone to a few strip clubs. He went a couple times before we were married, and then for his own bachelor party which ended up just being him, his brother and one other guy. It didn't bother me a bit. But the two guys I had dated before him drove me nuts when they went. I was like you, begging them not to go, and crying my eyes out, and worrying while they were gone.

Something changed when I hit 30. I met my hubby then and married him when I was 32. I really don't get upset about that kind of thing anymore. In fact things that used to bug me, like one of my boyfriends salivating over nude women anywhere, even tv commercials is so funny to me now. If I see a naked woman with a good set of boobs on TV now, I yell for the hubby to come look!

My point...it is all about the individual. It is how they treat you, and how they make you feel. I finally found a guy I don't have to worry about. And it has been so nice to give up almost all of that jealous crazy behavior I had in my youth. It was not fun for anyone.

Good luck with your man. I hope he is behaving, or having a boring time.
One time my hubby went to a bachelor party at a strip bar that was so lame, that the guys all ended up leaving and playing poker instead!

CAT, I never cared much about him going to a strip club until he described what it was like for him to be at his friend's bachelor party. The way his eyes lit up when he described watching his friend basically cheat on his then-fiance disgusted and frightened me. Then to have him go and do what he did at his own bachelor party was just too much to handle. It was light-years beyond just looking at a naked girl. He actually has said-girl's body parts in his mouth.


Quote:
Originally Posted by askeptic View Post
I have absolutely no problem telling my friends that my wife doesn't want me to do something. I don't go to strip clubs but I do go skiing and kayaking often. Occasionally my wife says don't go for one reason or another even at the last minute and I will say my wife won't let me go. If my friends have a problem with that they can go fuck themselves. A healthy relationship seems better than making up excuses about a crisis at work.
askeptic, I applaud you for being so understanding of your wife and being willing to risk your friends' ridicule in exchange for protecting your healthy relationship.

In my situation, I feel that this goes beyond my not wanting him to go. I want him to be able to tell his friends that he doesn't want to go because it would hurt me, especially after what happened at his bachelor party. I shouldn't have to forbid him from going. I would never do that, no matter how much I hurt. The fact that he would rather have me at home crying about this than to have his friends sort of pissed at him... There are just no words to express how much that hurts.
#41
Old 10-12-2008, 01:09 AM
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Originally Posted by 5-HT View Post
The kissing and nipple thing is weird and I've not seen that happen at strip clubs, the nipple thing especially would be against the rules at any club I've ever been to. As far as her riding his crotch though, what exactly did you think a lap dance was?
I fully expected that she would ride his crotch. I just didn't think it would last for over 20 minutes or include enough other stimulation that he would cum. Having an orgasm is so intensely personal that to have that occur with someone other than the person to whom you have committed the rest of your life to is hurtful. Being aroused by porn to the point where you cum is one thing, having simulated sex that includes getting to second base with a live human being is another thing altogether.
#42
Old 10-12-2008, 01:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DoperChic View Post

In my situation, I feel that this goes beyond my not wanting him to go. I want him to be able to tell his friends that he doesn't want to go because it would hurt me, especially after what happened at his bachelor party. I shouldn't have to forbid him from going. I would never do that, no matter how much I hurt. The fact that he would rather have me at home crying about this than to have his friends sort of pissed at him... There are just no words to express how much that hurts.
That is sort of what I was trying to convey. I know my husband would just be looking, if he went. The guys I dated in the past would do anything they could get away with! The stuff you described would piss me off to no end as well.
#43
Old 10-12-2008, 01:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 5-HT View Post
The kissing and nipple thing is weird and I've not seen that happen at strip clubs, the nipple thing especially would be against the rules at any club I've ever been to. As far as her riding his crotch though, what exactly did you think a lap dance was?
I've only been to a strip joint a couple times. Both times I had the feeling that those large men at the door would turn me into a paste if I got out of line with a dancer. OTOH if she went over to a guy and kissed him, that was ok...*she* decided what she was willing to do. I didn't doubt that "other arrangements" might be made, but it probably varies from place to place.

@5-HT: a lap dance yeah, but 20 minutes can't be standard, can it?
#44
Old 10-12-2008, 01:18 AM
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The OP has every right to be upset. Dry humping a stripper until you come is cheating. Her husband going back when it clearly hurts her feelings this much is a dick move. She's NOT making too big a deal out of it. The bottom line is that her husband showed a lack of regard for her feelings. All the carefully lawyered argumnts in the world about why strip joints are perfectly wonderful places that a wife has no right to object to don't mean a thing. You either care about your spouse's feelings or you don't.

Last edited by Diogenes the Cynic; 10-12-2008 at 01:20 AM.
#45
Old 10-12-2008, 01:19 AM
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Originally Posted by lobotomyboy63 View Post
I've only been to a strip joint a couple times. Both times I had the feeling that those large men at the door would turn me into a paste if I got out of line with a dancer. OTOH if she went over to a guy and kissed him, that was ok...*she* decided what she was willing to do. I didn't doubt that "other arrangements" might be made, but it probably varies from place to place.

@5-HT: a lap dance yeah, but 20 minutes can't be standard, can it?
The lap dance happened in a private room, arranged by husband's friends. I'm not sure if anyone else was in there with them at the time.

The 20 minutes was a misunderstanding. He had received a standard one-song lap dance earlier that night without any of the aforementioned nastiness. The stripper thought that she basically had a blank check from husband's friends and that they would just continue paying so long as husband wanted to continue receiving. Husband just thought stripper liked him a whole lot and kept going out of the generosity of her own crotch. (Yeah, sure honey.) He still thinks that she only offered to fuck him because she was attracted to him, not because of the money it was sure to have brought in.
#46
Old 10-12-2008, 01:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lobotomyboy63 View Post
I've only been to a strip joint a couple times. Both times I had the feeling that those large men at the door would turn me into a paste if I got out of line with a dancer. OTOH if she went over to a guy and kissed him, that was ok...*she* decided what she was willing to do. I didn't doubt that "other arrangements" might be made, but it probably varies from place to place.

@5-HT: a lap dance yeah, but 20 minutes can't be standard, can it?
Well, my strip club visiting phase only lasted a couple of months, but I believe lap dances are measured in songs, so that would be about 5 consecutive lap dances. Not at all out of the ordinary from what I remember, though pretty pricey I'd imagine.

As far as the "happy ending" goes, I never had that happen at a club myself, though I could see how it might. I was single the whole time I was going to strip clubs, so I'll let others decide how out of bounds that is for someone who's attached. I honestly don't know what to think, I've known plenty of guys who have done way more than that at their bachelor parties. That doesn't make it right though, and if I was the one getting married I think I would err on the side of caution.

i really already had my bachelor party anyways, it was called "my 20s".
#47
Old 10-12-2008, 01:29 AM
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When a husband does something that has his wife at home crying unstoppably, he needs to think about more than how things look to his friends. I'm truly sorry for this, DoperChic - I think this is exactly as big a deal as you're making it, because it's obviously a big deal TO YOU, and that should make it a big deal TO YOUR HUSBAND. Nobody wants their feelings ignored; this isn't about strip clubs, or your husband's friends; this is about how you feel about your husband going to a strip club for a bachelor party, like the one where he did something you wish he hadn't, and how your husband responds to your feelings (i.e. at this point, not really well). I agree with you that this is something you two really need to work out; he might think his bachelor party behaviour was no big deal, but it really was.

For the record, my husband does not have my permission to have other women's nipples in his mouth, or have them grind him to climax, anywhere - not at work, not at their homes, and not at strip clubs. That would indeed be a breach of our fidelity agreement.
#48
Old 10-12-2008, 01:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Diogenes the Cynic View Post
The OP has every right to be upset. Dry humping a stripper until you come is cheating. Her husband going back when it clearly hurts her feelings this much is a dick move. She's NOT making too big a deal out of it. The bottom line is that her husband showed a lack of regard for her feelings. All the carefully lawyered argumnts in the world about why strip joints are perfectly wonderful places that a wife has no right to object to don't mean a thing.
I disagree with you completely, but since I can't see how we're going to agree on this one so I'm not going to provide an exhaustive list of the reasons why I disagree with you.

But I will say that in this case, what the hell did DoperChic's husband expect as a reaction when he told her what had happened? "Can I watch next time?" Not likely.

Sure, it's great he's being honest with his wife, but if it were me, I sure as hell wouldn't be telling my wife-to-be about how I dry humped a stripper or sucked her breasts at a buck's night (assuming I had done so, which I haven't and don't intend to). On the other hand, my wife and I clearly have different agreed boundaries than DoperChic and her husband so everyone else's results may and probably do vary.

Last edited by Martini Enfield; 10-12-2008 at 01:35 AM.
#49
Old 10-12-2008, 01:35 AM
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Originally Posted by featherlou View Post
When a husband does something that has his wife at home crying unstoppably, he needs to think about more than how things look to his friends. I'm truly sorry for this, DoperChic - I think this is exactly as big a deal as you're making it, because it's obviously a big deal TO YOU, and that should make it a big deal TO YOUR HUSBAND. Nobody wants their feelings ignored; this isn't about strip clubs, or your husband's friends; this is about how you feel about your husband going to a strip club for a bachelor party, like the one where he did something you wish he hadn't, and how your husband responds to your feelings (i.e. at this point, not really well). I agree with you that this is something you two really need to work out; he might think his bachelor party behaviour was no big deal, but it really was.

For the record, my husband does not have my permission to have other women's nipples in his mouth, or have them grind him to climax, anywhere - not at work, not at their homes, and not at strip clubs. That would indeed be a breach of our fidelity agreement.
Thank you, featherlou. You brought up another big part of why this is hurting me so much - that he is putting his friends party above my feelings.

[Sidebar]This is totally unrelated to the thread, but what is that icon before the word "For" in your second paragraph. It reads as a box with three ovals and a line in it for me. I've seen it elsewhere on the boards and couldn't figure it out. [/Sidebar]
#50
Old 10-12-2008, 01:40 AM
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I have an icon there? I can't see it in Safari or Opera. Sorry, can't help you with that.
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