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Old 01-15-2009, 04:10 AM
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Got Wood? (nudge nudge) Hardwood? Need Woodworking Jokes, Please.

I'm working on a story which has a character who restores furniture.

Your woodworking and furniture jokes would be very much appreciated. Going close to the grain is encouraged.

Nailing, screwing, inserting A into B, oiling and rubbing, rods, knobs dovetailing and of course hardwood have been covered. Some by thorough research. Some, twice.

Also covered, good curves, fine lines, great to look at that fine piece.

I don't think the Barn House has an appropriate forum for what will be basically taking the piss. I'm putting it here because its a request for jokes, but if the mods feel it should be elsewhere, please move it.

What have I let myself in for? Oh dear.

Last edited by maggenpye; 01-15-2009 at 04:11 AM.
Old 01-15-2009, 04:38 AM
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Did you hear about the woodworker who died when he fell into a vat of varnish? It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
Old 01-15-2009, 04:42 AM
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Love it. Thanks.
Old 01-15-2009, 04:54 AM
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Well, not really a joke, joke but I had a friend who played a practical joke on me when I was young & naive....

I wanted to make a couple of shelves and we went to a supply store. Earlier, she had raved about a particular wood that would be perfect for me and I should inquire about it. So, when we got there I looked all over the place for this wood and went up to a young man who was working and asked him "Would I be able to order some morning wood for a project?" When my friend broke out laughing I KNEW I had been set up.... bet yet, I still didnt understand what it meant until we got home and she explained it to me!
Old 01-15-2009, 05:03 AM
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That's great.

The character is a very quiet woman who started in the job as a (very) naive teenager. This is exactly the kind of joke she'd have had played on her.

Old 01-15-2009, 06:04 AM
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So you're pining away for some jokes? Bad puns like the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw don't go against your grain? I like your stile!
Old 01-15-2009, 11:06 AM
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Well, as I found out once when making canoe parts, the lumberyard is the only place where you can pay just $30.00 for a great piece of ash.
Old 01-15-2009, 11:17 AM
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I'm board.
Old 01-15-2009, 01:14 PM
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Suggest the lady polish a customer's walnut.
It's not too difficult to become a military criminal.
Not shaving, dirty boots, calling a sergeant "darling" or selling your Bren Carrier.
~~~Spike Milligan
Old 01-15-2009, 06:00 PM
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Don't leaf it there! These are peachy.
Old 01-15-2009, 07:54 PM
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I'm not sure I can make this funny, exactly, but maybe if I suggest it someone else will be able to.

My brother has cut his middle finger on his left hand twice while woodworking.

Neither time did he rush off to the emergency room--the first time his wife was 9 months pregnant and it just wasn't worth it, and the second time was not as bad as the first.

But he did recently take the injured fingertip to the hand specialist he's been seeing for an injury to the same finger presumably caused by use of a jackhammer. She wanted to see the fingertip and know what had happened out of "professional curiousity".

She also told him the warning tale of another of her patients, a carpenter in his seventies with several slightly short fingers. When said patient showed up with an injury on a finger which had not previously been injured, she asked what happened, and he told her that his other fingers had gotten short enough to no longer protect it properly.
Old 01-15-2009, 07:56 PM
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Actual invention...I'm knot kidding.
Old 01-15-2009, 08:09 PM
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You should always be organized, put your wood in a nice box.

I'm sorry.
Old 01-15-2009, 08:10 PM
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Not a joke you tell, but rather, one you play.

You look wistfully into the blue sky and say "hey! dad will be on the plane by now"
Your companion will invariably ask "where's he going?"
You respond "nowhere - he's taking half an inch off the bottom of the door"

Well, it was funny when someone did it to me.
Old 01-15-2009, 09:05 PM
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This story is not so much a wood pun or even specifically wood-related, but it still cracks me up.

Mr. S has been working with wood for years, so he can be pretty particular about the wood he chooses for a project.

One time he needed a piece of trim (shut up, that's not the joke) for some small project, so off we went to the lumber place. He must have been in the trim aisle for 20 minutes, sorting through every piece in the place. I wandered off to look at other things, came back and he was still sorting, repeat ad nauseam.

FINALLY he comes strolling out with his selection. "Got it!" he said cheerfully.

"I know," I replied, "I saw the puff of white smoke."

Still cracks him up too.
Old 01-15-2009, 11:19 PM
Join Date: Apr 2002
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My husband's a computer nerd by trade, so this is really a computer joke, but it works for your purposes all the same.

You see, he once had a wooden computer.
It had a wooden keyboard. And a wooden screen. And a wooden mouse. And a wooden hard drive. And a wooden power cord. There was just one problem with it.

It wouldn't work.

wooden. work. get it? It wooden' work. wouldn't = wooden.

Old 01-15-2009, 11:49 PM
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Not really a joke, but definitely a witticism.

When I was a carpenter a few years ago, I was working with an older guy from the shop installing some cabinets in a customer's house. He was on his hands and knees working on something under a counter, and I was standing behind him doing something else. He leans back on his heels and turns to me:

Him: "Randy, you know how you can tell that god's not a carpenter?"
Me (Jewish, wondering if this is some kind of Jesus reference): "Um, no."
Him (gesturing): "Because if he was, he'd a put feet on our knees."

And it is true. Every carpenter I've ever worked with has a pair of squishy over-sized knee pads in his tool bag.

(Apologies, but every other joke I remember from that shop was unspeakably racist or misogynist.)

EDIT: Ooh! Remembered one! So a birch tree and a beech tree are in the woods and they notice a sapling growing between them. They begin to argue about who is the father of this little tree. Finally, they get their friend, a woodpecker, to arbitrate for them. He arrives and drives his beak into the little tree.
They ask him: "Well? Is it a son-of-a-birch or a son-of-a-beech?"
"Neither," he replies, "This is the finest piece of ash I've ever had my pecker in!"

Last edited by Randy Seltzer; 01-15-2009 at 11:52 PM.
Old 01-15-2009, 11:51 PM
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That joke wooden work. <ba-dum tishhhhh>
Old 01-16-2009, 02:50 AM
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Yes it wood!

These are all going to be poplar for not only the for character, but for her punning SO.

Lobotomyboy63, sorry mate, linky no worky.

Randy Seltzer, for the reasons given in post 5, misogyny (for once) is useful too.

All you others? Teak a bow, and keep 'em coming (hurhur).
Old 01-16-2009, 05:15 AM
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Originally Posted by maggenpye View Post
Lobotomyboy63, sorry mate, linky no worky.
Try this.
Old 01-16-2009, 12:13 PM
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You need a customer to come in and ask for the biggest wrench they have. When the girl asks why, he says because he has some big nuts.
Old 01-16-2009, 12:16 PM
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Did you here about the guy at the sawmill who had the whole left side of his body cut off?

Don't worry, he's all right.
Old 01-16-2009, 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Gangster Octopus View Post
Did you here about the guy at the sawmill who had the whole left side of his body cut off?

Don't worry, he's all right.
Did you hear about the girl who backed into a circular saw?

Disaster (i.e., Dis-assed-her......also works for an airplane propeller)

From a guitar woodworking standpoint there is a long line of puns having to do with nuts. A nut is the piece of bone up at the headstock that the strings pass over on their way to the tuning pegs. Getting a nut set up correctly is an art - it must be the right height, may need adjusting after a lot of use, and, if you do a lot of blues/rock-style string-bending, you need to make sure the grooves for the strings have a little graphite in them, so the strings move freely and don't get stuck, which throws tuning off.

In other words, there is a lot of discussion about getting your nuts filed and lubed.

There has GOT to be a way you can use that....
Old 01-16-2009, 01:49 PM
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"Cut that board three time and it's still too short. Go get me the wood stretcher."

She was a carpenter's dream: flat as a board and never been screwed.

Originally Posted by lobotomyboy63 View Post
A buddy of mine runs the scene shop at a university-he just got one of those.
Old 01-16-2009, 04:55 PM
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The Saw Stop is great, unlikely to be used either in her past or current workshops - but I wish they'd had those in various jobs I've done.

I remember the 'disaster joke' from the 80's - it was a plane prop then, but that's a good transfer.

Of course, I've only just realised that part of furniture restoration is stripping, how that's got past us all is beyond me.
Old 01-16-2009, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Paintcharge View Post
She was a carpenter's dream: flat as a board and never been screwed.
I thought that was, "Flat as a board and easy to nail."
Old 01-17-2009, 01:47 AM
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Either way, I willow yew all pie for the jokes.

Thanks very much.

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