#1
Old 04-10-2009, 09:48 PM
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Need Some Cancer/Chemo Jokes...

to cheer up a sick friend going through treatment.

The guy has an incredible sense of humor, so don't worry about appropriateness. Thanks.
#2
Old 04-10-2009, 09:50 PM
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I had two shirts I wore to chemo. One (from a Doper here) said "Bald is the New Black" and the other said "I'm Too Sexy for My Hair." I also had a crazy beanie propeller cap (also on loan from a Doper) in rainbow colors.

Humor is very important. If your friend can laugh, he'll do fine.
#3
Old 04-10-2009, 10:23 PM
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Doctor: "I have very bad news. I'm sorry to tell you that you have Alzhiemer's and cancer."
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have Alzhiemer's."
#4
Old 04-10-2009, 10:46 PM
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Not so much a standard joke as just something funny that still cracks me up. Wish I could find a cite.

Back in the mid-1980s or so, when AIDS was getting more coverage in the media, some mook wrote to Ann Landers or Dear Abby (I forget which) to complain: "What's so important about AIDS that they have to print it in capital letters all the time? You don't read about people getting C-A-N-C-E-R!"

Last edited by Scarlett67; 04-10-2009 at 10:50 PM.
#5
Old 04-11-2009, 01:35 AM
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Thanks for starting this - my aunt just began aggressive radiation treatment plus chemo and I'm looking for stuff to keep her spirits up. Jokes are good.

She's pretty sure that she's going to need to shave her head and was thinking of having a barber party. I volunteered to get cropped (as did my mom!) and I've been looking around for pictures of cute bald women, was going to make a powerpoint presentation.
#6
Old 04-11-2009, 01:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Valgard View Post
Thanks for starting this - my aunt just began aggressive radiation treatment plus chemo and I'm looking for stuff to keep her spirits up. Jokes are good.

She's pretty sure that she's going to need to shave her head and was thinking of having a barber party. I volunteered to get cropped (as did my mom!) and I've been looking around for pictures of cute bald women, was going to make a powerpoint presentation.
There's Persis Khambatta from the first Star Trek movie. And, uh, Jane Curtin as a Conehead qualifies, I think.
#7
Old 04-11-2009, 02:06 AM
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"Knock, knock."



"Who's there?"



"Not your white blood cells, that's fer damn sure."
#8
Old 04-11-2009, 02:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snooooopy View Post
There's Persis Khambatta from the first Star Trek movie. And, uh, Jane Curtin as a Conehead qualifies, I think.
Curses, beaten to Persis Khambatta ....

Though as hot goes, she is definitely HOT, bald or not.

When I had it back in 95, a friend gave me 2 wigs, one of the multicolored fright wigs, and one of those lady godiva wigs that is like floor length in really artificial platinum blond. I dodnt lose any hair, so I never got to wear them.

Who knows, depending on how the oncologist consult goes on the 20th, I might get a chance to wear them this time around...
#9
Old 04-11-2009, 06:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hunter Hawk View Post
"Knock, knock."



"Who's there?"



"Not your white blood cells, that's fer damn sure."
Oh, I like this one. Hee hee hee.
#10
Old 04-11-2009, 07:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snooooopy View Post
There's Persis Khambatta from the first Star Trek movie. And, uh, Jane Curtin as a Conehead qualifies, I think.
Got them on my list, also:

Eve Salvail (model, famous for bald/tattooed head)
Demi Moore in GI Jane
Sigourney Weaver in Aliens 3
Joan Jett
Natalie Portman in V For Vendetta
Mena Suvari
Sinead O' Connor

Don't really want to put Britney Spears in there since shaving her head was basically part of a crazed meltdown...Sinead O'Connor has certainly seemed nutty as a fruitcake as well but at least she was consistent with her look.

Melissa Etheridge and Kylie Minogue are both cancer survivors. Melissa was not shy about being in public bald, dunno if I've seen photos of Kylie that way although she did appear with very short hair.

Ran the "Alzheimer's" joke by my parents this afternoon, they both thought it was hilarious.
#11
Old 04-13-2009, 01:57 AM
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When did Joan Jett shave her head? Did I miss something?

Last edited by Uncle Brother Walker; 04-13-2009 at 01:58 AM. Reason: ...although she'd be hot either way...
#12
Old 04-13-2009, 10:54 AM
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Doctor: Well, Mr. Johnson, I have some good news and some bad news.

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You have an incurable cancer, and you probably have less than a month to live.

Patient (stunned): Well... what's the good news?

Doctor: Did you see that hot nurse out in the reception area?

Patient: Um... yeah?

Doctor: I'm f---ing her.
#13
Old 04-13-2009, 12:24 PM
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Call him ChemoSabe. (I read that in an interview with some actress, whose Mom had had chemo).
#14
Old 04-14-2009, 01:35 AM
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Not a joke, but a technique for inserting humor into a hospital.

Buy a bunch of fortune cookies. tease the paper fortune out and write your own and insert it. You can't get all of the fortunes out. Don't worry about it. If they get a factory fortune, they can just pick another one.
#15
Old 04-14-2009, 02:36 AM
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A girl with a protruding abdomen sits down in a diner and orders two blue plate specials. The lady in the next booth says, "Looks like you have a good reason to eat hearty, dear." The girl answers, "Yep, I'm eating for tumor!"

Fortunately, it's been a while since my chemo days. We used to pass time in the treatment room telling jokes with the nurses. I'll try to remember some more.
#16
Old 04-14-2009, 09:39 AM
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Quote:
Don't really want to put Britney Spears in there since shaving her head was basically part of a crazed meltdown
Off topic, but I'll point out that while Spears may be crazy she had a rational reason for shaving her head. She was fighting a custody battle with her ex-husband and there were legal requests being made for her to submit to a long-term drug use test, which use hair specimens. So she shaved her head and there was now no evidence to be collected if she was ordered to submit to the test.
#17
Old 04-14-2009, 10:17 AM
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http://brain.hastypastry.net/forums/...splay.php?f=19

This site is a neurological support site and the jokes are of a different caliper than you normally find. Sick patients have a slightly different humor than healthy people and many of these jokes deal with being sick.
#18
Old 04-14-2009, 11:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
Off topic, but I'll point out that while Spears may be crazy she had a rational reason for shaving her head. She was fighting a custody battle with her ex-husband and there were legal requests being made for her to submit to a long-term drug use test, which use hair specimens. So she shaved her head and there was now no evidence to be collected if she was ordered to submit to the test.
They can't test body hair (eyebrows, lashes, arm hair...)?
#19
Old 04-14-2009, 12:01 PM
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I don't know. I've never heard of body hair being used for a test. A WAG, but I'd speculate it might not be as legally admissable as evidence of drug use because there isn't as much of a body of previous test results to match it with and lawyers could make arguments about possible anomalous results.
#20
Old 04-14-2009, 02:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Valgard View Post
I've been looking around for pictures of cute bald women, was going to make a powerpoint presentation.
Get a hold of a recording of Melissa Ethridge performing "Take a Piece of my Heart" at the 2005 Grammy Awards.
#21
Old 04-14-2009, 02:49 PM
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Rodney Dangerfield (I think)

"My doctor told me I had three months to live. Then he gave me the bill. I said 'Doc, I can't afford this' so he gave me another three months."
#22
Old 04-14-2009, 04:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
I don't know. I've never heard of body hair being used for a test. A WAG, but I'd speculate it might not be as legally admissable as evidence of drug use because there isn't as much of a body of previous test results to match it with and lawyers could make arguments about possible anomalous results.
There was a 21 Jump Street episode ages ago (I know, I know) that postulated that head hair was the best to use for drug tests, as the protein in the hair could go back years (especially for long hair), giving a good and reliable history.

Now, how reliable an '80s era teen cop drama is, I can't say. How reliable I am, citing said '80s era teen cop drama, is an exercise I leave for the reader.
#23
Old 04-14-2009, 04:19 PM
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What kind of cancer?

My dad had prostate cancer maybe 15 years ago (he's fine now). He was having a difficult time deciding on a course of treatment (or none at all) and was flying all over the Eastern Seaboard seeing various specialists.

At some point, I asked him, didn't he have to make a decision, even if the decision was to do nothing for the moment other than keep an eye on the growth of the tumor? (It was found very early via a PSA test.) He told me, "I know, I really feel like this is hanging over me." I asked him, "wait, isn't it hanging under you?"

Luckily Dad still had his sense of humor.
#24
Old 04-14-2009, 04:24 PM
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A joke I read here a long time ago:

What did the blind deaf paraplegic boy get for Christmas?
SPOILER:
Cancer.
#25
Old 04-14-2009, 07:18 PM
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If the patient has a medi-port insalled for the chemo, you ought to be able to cobble together a joke about hooking it up to a bottle of whiskey.
#26
Old 04-15-2009, 06:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AskNott View Post
If the patient has a medi-port insalled for the chemo, you ought to be able to cobble together a joke about hooking it up to a bottle of whiskey.
We made some Iron Man-themed jokes about it.
#27
Old 04-15-2009, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Valgard View Post
Melissa Etheridge and Kylie Minogue are both cancer survivors. Melissa was not shy about being in public bald, dunno if I've seen photos of Kylie that way although she did appear with very short hair.
Anasthacia as well.



My grandfather didn't stop his work as a soccer refferee until his late 80s. For many years he didn't "referee" as such, but he collaborated with the organization, trained referees, etc. As a benefit, he got the same complete yearly medical check up as every other ref.

One day he was in excruciating pain (by the time Gramps says "this hurts," others would be howling on the floor), so Grandma called an ambulance and had him taken to the hospital where, after a succint examination and thorough scolding, he went through 6 hours of surgery to remove his prostate. Part of the scolding was because, when the doc noticed the enlarged prostate, there was a dialog more or less like this:
Grandma: oh, it's strange, they didn't say anything about that in his yearly... or rather... you son of a bitch, did the doctor at the yearly say anything about your dick?
Gramps: yeah, he's been giving me crap about having to check it for eleven years, so?
Grandma: so I'm going to kill you, you bastard!

Yeah, that's their notion of a "term of endearment."

The surgeon explained that if Gramps had gone in earlier, the surgery would have been a half-an-hour outpatient procedure. Of course, since they had him in anyway, they called the doctor from the refs for the yearly's results and checked Gramps for anything they could think of (I believe they skipped the tests for Juvenile Acne, given that the patient was in his early 80s).

At one point, Auntie and Grandma were in Gramps' room, and Grandma was going over that conversation once more. Auntie quipped that Gramps probably mistook "a growth near your dick which could be dangerous" and "your dick might be growing to dangerous sizes." Ever since, "sonagun thinking prostate cancer makes dicks bigger" has been included in Grandma's litany of Things I Hate About My Husband.
#28
Old 04-15-2009, 09:23 AM
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There's a standup comic named Robert Schimmel who went through treatment for advanced testicular cancer. He talks about it in his act a lot. He had a special on Showtime not long ago, called Life Since Then; the last half-hour is basically cancer humor. His humor is pretty outrageously dirty (like, worse than Eddie Murphy's standup), so be forewarned. He's also got a book called Cancer On $5 A Day.
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