#1
Old 05-02-2009, 04:03 PM
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i think i hate my boyfriend

i've been in a relationship with this guy for about 3 years now. i'm not going to bore you all with the details of what 3 years really entails, but i'm going to try to outline the general dynamics of our relationship:

he claims to be naturally polyamorous. i was 22, and pretty naive at the time. before i met him i was a pretty staunch christian, and had never even heard of polyamory. and so when he introduced this idea to me, i was both horrified and intrigued. clearly, he was not ready to commit to me, which was the thing that would make our relationship okay for me, but i tried to understand it, through my own exploration and extensive, intensive conversations with my polyamorous friends. for a while we sort of weaved back and forth between being open and exclusive, and i tried to work with him and understand his natural dispositions.

it wasn't until half a year later that we became monogamous, and commenced into what i now realize was the honeymoon phase of our relationship: the sex was great, we had a great time together with our adventures and conversations. everything was always interesting. it was at this point that i made the decision to "let go" to my conflicting feelings and pursue my intutions about him and surrender to being the person that i felt was right to him: patient, loving, giving, compassionate, and open minded to his lifestyle -- i decided to also let him be polyamorous while i remained in a monogamous relationship with him.

but i'm afraid in making that decision it sort of fucked me over. i mean, i really did everything for him. i cooked for him, i cleaned, i picked him up and dropped him off to places he needed to go, i often paid for his meals, once for his plane ticket, helped him out with the projects he was working on at work, helped buy him his cellphone, gave him all the blowjobs a man could ever fucking desire and more, mostly happily actually -- as long as i felt i was appreciated and not taken for granted.

...which is the thing. because that's impossible, i'm learning. by doing this, i'm taken for granted. and he's come to expect these things now, and now when i express needs i'm dismissed for the most part, or when i point out the problems that i have with him he nods and says, yes, he'll change but then he doesn't. i'm a sexual girl but i can't remember the last time he initiated, nor went down on me, which is just incredibly invalidating because i know that i'm young, fit, and quite attractive (i get hit on all the time by men of all ages).

and i know it's partially my fault, i have never complained prior to this. i've always hoped that this would be a thing that would come naturally, and when finally it came to the point where i realized it wouldn't, i voiced it and talked to him very starkly and honestly about it, and he would get frustrated and ask why i'm making such a big deal out of things. and then, like i said before, in the times he admits to not doing something enough, he doesn't do anything to change.

it's not any one thing that makes things absolutely not okay for me. but if you combine our lackluster sex life, with his desire for a polyamorous relationship, to his tendency to be private, his unwillingness to acknowledge me as his 'girlfriend' in public even after 3 years of being together, his generally negative behavior and negative reinforcement towards me and finally, his expectations of me just doing things for him with no reciprocation, it just is NOT okay. it really, really isn't.

and for nearly two years i've fought to be patient and work with him through these things now, and part of it was my naive hope that things would change, and the other part was my fear for confrontation. but now that i've finally let it out, it's too late and he thinks it's "out of the blue", when in fact these issues were always issues, and he just never noticed it.

but now this patience is wearing thin, and i'm feeling my anger growing, and growing, turning into resentment to pure fury and hatred. i feel it within me, and it's a weird and dangerous feeling to have towards someone whom i'm supposed to love and shared a mutually respecting, honest, and loving relationship with. i don't feel these things anymore, or at least less and less, although i still force myself to give it. and i hate that he doesn't give it back, and that he doesn't take things seriously enough to consider what he's doing to me.

it's a fucked up relationship and i'm in a fucked up state of mind. i know i need to break up with him but he's really good with words and he always twists the situation so that i end up apologizing and i'm running back to him for some reason or another. i hate him, i hate him, i hate what he's doing to me and to us, and i hate that i can't fucking get out of this.

what the fuck do i do?

Last edited by phoenixundone; 05-02-2009 at 04:04 PM.
#2
Old 05-02-2009, 04:08 PM
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So dump the motherfucker already. He's just your boyfriend, and not a very good one at that- he's not your husband, and you really have made no binding commitment to him. Get out, explore the world and other people, and be happy. Life's too short to be unhappy.
#3
Old 05-02-2009, 04:11 PM
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submit too soon

Last edited by Merneith; 05-02-2009 at 04:12 PM.
#4
Old 05-02-2009, 04:18 PM
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You don't have to hate him or especially yourself, just move on..dump him.
#5
Old 05-02-2009, 04:19 PM
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I think you need to give him some time to come to his senses.

2.6 seconds sounds about right.

And I think he's used them up.

Dump the motherfucker already. There's no reason for you to be hanging around with the likes of him.

He obviously has no concern for you whatsoever; he's convinced you that the relationship is all about his needs. Fuck that shit.
#6
Old 05-02-2009, 04:19 PM
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1. Make a plan for after you dump him - where will you go? Where will yo live? Do you have a job? Other friends? When will you do it? Do you have stuff you need to move? Do you need to cancel his cellphone (it's Not Your Problem)? Be specific here.

2. Leave

3. Call him and tell him that you're not happy and the relationship is over. That's it. Don't discuss it. Just repeat - You're not happy. It's over.

4. Hang up.

5. Refuse to discuss the matter any longer. Block his calls if necessary. Have a friend with you for support if necessary.

6. Don't beat yourself up over this. Take some time for yourself and then find a relationship that makes you happy on your own terms.

Good luck!

Last edited by Merneith; 05-02-2009 at 04:20 PM.
#7
Old 05-02-2009, 04:30 PM
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Totally agree, especially on #3 through #5. This is not a matter for discussion; he had his opportunity.

If you let him get a word in edgewise, he'll try to smooth things over, to sweet-talk you into changing your mind, long enough for him to get hisself another piece. Then it'll all go back to the way it was.

Leaving him is not negotiable. He had a chance and he blew it. Game over, no replay.
#8
Old 05-02-2009, 04:55 PM
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Dump him in order to avoid killing him.
#9
Old 05-02-2009, 05:05 PM
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Every woman deserves someone who will adore her. If you settle for less you are, well...... settling.
#10
Old 05-02-2009, 05:11 PM
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"naturally polyamorous"...classic

I thought every guy was naturally polyamorous at 22
#11
Old 05-02-2009, 05:18 PM
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You are the only person in control of your happiness. The way things are in your relationship right now aren't going to get better. This is how it is and how it will be. If you aren't happy with that, then it's your responsibility to fix it. You can't fix him. You can only fix you. Dump him and move on with your life. It's much better to be single and happy with yourself, than in a relationship and miserable.
#12
Old 05-02-2009, 05:19 PM
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What the hell? You do know that there are men out there who are not complete assholes who are single and looking? Dump his worthless ass.

On edit, just leave. Since he won't even acknowledge you as his girlfriend in public, you don't owe him the courtesy of a good-bye.

Last edited by The Second Stone; 05-02-2009 at 05:21 PM.
#13
Old 05-02-2009, 05:20 PM
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This does not sound like a relationship that can be salvaged. The foundation is bad. Get out.
#14
Old 05-02-2009, 05:21 PM
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wow, thanks for the prompt responses.

@Alice The Goon, Fish

see the thing is, i've tried to dump him multiple times. the problem is, he won't accept it. you're right, doing something drastic like moving away and refusing to pick up his phone calls will probably be a viable solution. i've considered moving, but that assumes on practical terms i have enough money, a place to go, etc. and right now, i don't have many options. i've considered moving back home, which is probably a stupid decision because that's another abusive and complicated situation right there.

ps - i forgot to mention another interesting dimension. he's 10 years older than i am.

also, it's not that i have a problem with polyamory. i have polyamorous friends who are in healthy and happy relationships. the problem with him is that he wants to be in one but is selective about the information he gives me, and then is unhappy when i pry further. then i feel guilty that i'm prying, but then can't help but feel insecure. it makes me feel like i'm fucked up but i'm not, right?

Last edited by phoenixundone; 05-02-2009 at 05:24 PM.
#15
Old 05-02-2009, 05:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by msmith537 View Post
"naturally polyamorous"...classic

I thought every guy was naturally polyamorous at 22

It stops at 22? I must have missed that step....
#16
Old 05-02-2009, 05:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenixundone View Post
what the fuck do i do?
Do better. You're young, able to function in a MUTUALLY rewarding relationship, if you had one. Which it sounds like you don't....and there's no reason why that should be the case.
#17
Old 05-02-2009, 05:22 PM
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I am willing to accept in theory that there are nice guys out there who are into the whole open relationship thing, and that there are nice girls out there who are into the whole open relationship thing. I wish them well.

It is clear from your post that this lifestyle is not for you. It is also clear that your "boyfriend" knew this about you. I think there is a good chance that I am correct in stating that he doesn't give a damn about open versus closed, etc, rather that he is a jerk who saw an opportunity to sleep around without the pesky having to cover his tracks, etc. It also seems that you allowed yourself to be manipulated into this. Either way, in the future know what you want, and don't settle for anything less.

It is a pity that it took so long to learn this lesson, but there is an excellent lesson here. You need to get a grip on what you are looking for in a relationship. If you want monogamy, make sure you are getting it. I'm not sure why you put up with so much of this, or why you appeared so dedicated to keep the thing working for so long when it is clear now that the dedication was one directional.

Either way, the solution is clear: get rid of him. Don't feel you have to explain yourself or give him a chance to work his magic with words. Just get rid of him.
#18
Old 05-02-2009, 05:34 PM
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I agree with everyone else that you need to get away from him. This is one of the few times that I think moving out while he is at work and just leaving a note explaining it's over would be totally justified.
#19
Old 05-02-2009, 05:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenixundone View Post
see the thing is, i've tried to dump him multiple times. the problem is, he won't accept it. you're right, doing something drastic like moving away and refusing to pick up his phone calls will probably be a viable solution. i've considered moving, but that assumes on practical terms i have enough money, a place to go, etc. and right now, i don't have many options.
If you know that, then he knows that too. He's using you. He's using your vulnerability as a way to keep you under his thumb. He's using your fear against you. Secretly inside you may be thinking "I can't make it on my own without him."

If you are not happy being a warm hole for him, then FIND A WAY to be without him. Seriously.

This is a relationship with a serious power imbalance. This is the Amityville Horror relationship. Get. Out.
#20
Old 05-02-2009, 05:34 PM
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If i'm correct in assuming you don't live together (sounds like a safe assumption) then the practical element of this is easy: Dump him by email or letter, leave his stuff on his stoop, never talk to him again.

I think message board advice is normally to quick to go to "dump him." In this case, however, you're pretty clearly not asking for advice; you know exactly what you want to do. I even think you're right: you and he are a bad match. it doesn't even matter whether one of you is "in the right" while the other one is "wrong"; the only important fact is that you do not go well together. Are you sure that's the case? It sounds like it to me, so DTMFA.

As for how: if you're afraid he'll weasel out of it if you talk face to face, then do the remote dump. He can go post on FML how his girlfriend of three years dumped him by text but, really, so what? If it's what you need to do then it's what you need to do. Plainly you want out, so get out. Then go out with a bunch of female friends, see a movie, whatever. Don't return his calls or listen to his messages.

Once you've had a chance to recover i'm sure you can find a boy who is willing to go down on you as much as you want in exchange for all the blow jobs he wants. He might even buy you dinner first :-P.
#21
Old 05-02-2009, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by luv2draw View Post
Every woman deserves someone who will adore her. If you settle for less you are, well...... settling.
Every person begins life deserving to be adored. His treatment of you has certainly lost him that privilege, at least from you. Get out. Get out with a plan, but still get out.
#22
Old 05-02-2009, 05:55 PM
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DTMFA.

You are in a relationship where he gets everything he wants/needs, where you have ceded ground and ceded ground and then apologized for not ceding fast enough. All arguments about polyamory aside, the very bottom line is that he doesn't respect you or care about you in a mature way. If he did, he'd be concerned about making you happy, he'd publicly acknowledge you as a part of his life. He's not. He's just enjoying the maid, cook, and chauffeur, and prostitution service you offer. You're not even getting satisfying sex out of the deal. Sex, yes, but not sex that's geared towards what you want.

Every person deserves to be with someone who, if nothing else, respects them. Why spend time and energy trying to please someone when what you do will never, ever be good enough, and he will never, ever even try to reciprocate? I know it can be hard to leave, but the longer you stay, the harder it will be. You have all kinds of practical reasons why moving out is going to be difficult and a hardship, but you have to figure out a way. Rip off that band-aid, hon.

P.S. You might look at some resources that offer advice for battered women on how they can make a break. It doesn't sound like this guy falls into the profile of an abuser (not from what you've said, anyway), but there are a few things that might be red flags. Regardless, you are facing the same situation that those women face -- how to leave in a way that will be final, how to deal with the desire to go back and give it one more try, how to survive economically and get on your own feet. It CAN be done. It may take some work and some time to make it happen, but start now and pave the way as fast as you can. Make a plan and act on it.
#23
Old 05-02-2009, 06:17 PM
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It wasn't made explicit, but I'm assuming this guy farts gold coins?
#24
Old 05-02-2009, 06:25 PM
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There's a lot of good advice in this thread. From what you've described, this guy is a controlling piece of shit. You deserve better. Do whatever it takes to dump his worthless ass and get on with the life YOU want.
#25
Old 05-02-2009, 06:41 PM
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Do you guys live together at this point? In whose name is the apartment?
#26
Old 05-02-2009, 06:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenixundone View Post
see the thing is, i've tried to dump him multiple times. the problem is, he won't accept it. you're right, doing something drastic like moving away and refusing to pick up his phone calls will probably be a viable solution. i've considered moving, but that assumes on practical terms i have enough money, a place to go, etc. and right now, i don't have many options. i've considered moving back home, which is probably a stupid decision because that's another abusive and complicated situation right there.
No close friends who you can move in with temporarily? Once you're out and need to support yourself, you're going to find a way to do that. Really the only other option is beat boyfriend into submission, which takes skill to accomplish without breaking the law. It might be good practice though.
#27
Old 05-02-2009, 06:50 PM
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Even if he was awesome in every regard and never did anything rude or selfish, if you don't like the guy, and especially if you hate him, the relationship is a sham.
#28
Old 05-02-2009, 07:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip View Post
It wasn't made explicit, but I'm assuming this guy farts gold coins?
nope, actually, he's piss broke. he's an artist. i used to work in the tech industry before i lost my job so i was the one with the moola. that's why i used to buy him all the shit i did as i said in my first post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maastricht View Post
Do you guys live together at this point? In whose name is the apartment?
we currently live seperately, which i'm actually really thankful for. i live alone.

Last edited by phoenixundone; 05-02-2009 at 07:05 PM.
#29
Old 05-02-2009, 07:10 PM
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Quote:
he won't accept it. you're right, doing something drastic like moving away and refusing to pick up his phone calls will probably be a viable solution. i've considered moving, but that assumes on practical terms i have enough money, a place to go, etc. and right now, i don't have many options.
This is what step #1 is for: you don't have to leave right this minute but start planning your exit. Again, be specific.

a. How much money will you need?
b. Where will it come from?
c. What outstanding bills will there be?
d. How will you move your stuff?
e. Where will you go?

Don't look at the big picture and feel overwhelmed. Look at each step and make a decision. There are practical answers to all those questions. Focus on the practical.

If you're afraid he might get violent or abusive, or if you feel emotionally abused, there are shelters you can go to and people who will help you get out. If you need help from a place like this, don't be too proud to ask for it.

The details of the polyamory thing are irrelevant. It's not working for you. You're unhappy. You don't have to apologize or make excuses. There's nothing to discuss. You're unhappy - it's over. Keep repeating that and don't get sidetracked.
#30
Old 05-02-2009, 07:13 PM
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Late to the thread (as usual), so only two pieces of counsel:

First, see if there is a women's shelter or somesuch you can hook up with. Even if you don't need shelter per se, they often have resources available for those in your situation. And that situation won't be all that unusual I would guess that for every woman who's physically abused, there are two or more who are being emotionally/psychologically abused (as you seem to be).

Second, don't waste time hating him. It doesn't sound like he's worth the effort. Put your energies into yourself instead.
#31
Old 05-02-2009, 07:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Merneith View Post

If you're afraid he might get violent or abusive, or if you feel emotionally abused, there are shelters you can go to and people who will help you get out. If you need help from a place like this, don't be too proud to ask for it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OttoDaFe View Post
...And that situation won't be all that unusual I would guess that for every woman who's physically abused, there are two or more who are being emotionally/psychologically abused (as you seem to be).
whoa, whoa, just to set things straight. although our relationship suffers from a lot of downfalls, i don't think my boyfriend is abusive. the biggest problem is that he's incredibly self-centered, which handicaps him from recognizing and empathizing with the needs of someone else (me). actually, i'm quite certain that he thinks he's a pretty damn good boyfriend. just earlier we got in a fight and we discussed things, and he concluded it something to the effect of, "see? i'm willing to talk these things out with you. how can you say i don't care?" (FUME!)

it's that kind of shit. he knows how to give himself credit and i think he genuinely believes it. and in kind of a sad way, i think he's doing the best he can actually. i think he's just one of those kind of men that are destined to be sad and lonely and troubled for the rest of his life.

i realized that sort of early on which made me want to stick around and 'save him' like every stupid young girl might think they can do before they realize it just doesn't work that way.
#32
Old 05-02-2009, 07:31 PM
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Now, I believe the term DTMFA (Dump The Mother Fucker Already) is overused, but woman... DTMFA. And there are plenty of polyamory-related columns and podcasts care of Dan Savage that should shed some light on your situation (just spend a few hours browsing the archives, or load some up on your iPod. Believe me, you'll think you called or wrote in yourself).

Last edited by Cat Fight; 05-02-2009 at 07:32 PM.
#33
Old 05-02-2009, 07:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenixundone View Post
whoa, whoa, just to set things straight. although our relationship suffers from a lot of downfalls, i don't think my boyfriend is abusive. the biggest problem is that he's incredibly self-centered, which handicaps him from recognizing and empathizing with the needs of someone else (me). actually, i'm quite certain that he thinks he's a pretty damn good boyfriend. just earlier we got in a fight and we discussed things, and he concluded it something to the effect of, "see? i'm willing to talk these things out with you. how can you say i don't care?" (FUME!)

it's that kind of shit. he knows how to give himself credit and i think he genuinely believes it. and in kind of a sad way, i think he's doing the best he can actually. i think he's just one of those kind of men that are destined to be sad and lonely and troubled for the rest of his life.

i realized that sort of early on which made me want to stick around and 'save him' like every stupid young girl might think they can do before they realize it just doesn't work that way.
It took me awhile to learn just how badly well intentioned men and women can treat their well intentioned partners. It's entirely possible that there's a woman out there who would love to have someone like him....and you should free him as soon as possible so he can begin his search :-P.

Based on what you've said about your previous attempts to break up, I'd recommend you just be the bad guy and tell him that, not only is it over, you just don't want to hear from him.... and then walk away without giving him a chance to argue or explain.

Oh, I'd originally missed the part where you listed his age. A lot of good people in their twenties need relationship training/saving; I know a lot of geeky people who were well worth the effort their SOs put into them. So you weren't being super super foolish. Someone who still needs that kind of help in their 30s is probably a poor prospect, though.
#34
Old 05-02-2009, 08:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenixundone View Post
we currently live seperately, which i'm actually really thankful for. i live alone.
Well, that makes it simpler, anyway.

You have the locks changed, call him, say "It's over," and if he bothers you, tell him you're calling the cops.

Have some dignity and self-respect, for Christ's sake. He's been playing you for a fool from day one. Don't prove him right.
#35
Old 05-02-2009, 08:57 PM
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He might not be technically abusive, but he sure sounds like an emotionally manipulative shit.

The fact that you already live separately is a huge plus in this situation...unless you fear him physically, I don't see any reason you should have to go to the trouble and expense of moving away. I can understand that you're afraid if you don't, he'll just worm his way back into your life like he's done in the past. He knows how to push your buttons, your weaknesses, the right words to say (emotionally manipulative shit, remember?). What you need is some distance to get perspective, which in turn should give you the strength to cut him off for good.

Why not, instead of breaking up with him completely, tell him you just need some time to think? Ask for two or three weeks of no contact. No phone calls, no emails, the whole works. I bet you anything at the end of that time period, you'll be wondering what's taken you so long, and you'll be ready to say "see ya, loser!" no matter what he says. Even better, take a vacation. A road trip to see a friend in another state, whatever. Just change the routine for awhile.
#36
Old 05-02-2009, 09:02 PM
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Obviously you have to scrape this user off, but the thing is, you really have to make up your mind solidly to do it. It's your decision, not his. You don't need his permission to break up with him. He doesn't have to "accept" it. He doesn't even deserve a conversation about it. Resolve to yourself that the decision has been made, there's nothing to discuss, let him know, then CUT HIM OFF.

You already live apart, so it should be easy. Just tell him you're done with him and that's the end of it. Don't see him in person. Call him, or better yet email him. Don't give him any chance to try to talk his way out of it. You know you're vulnerable to his manipulation, so don't give him the chance. Make the break up a speech a monologue, not a dialogue. Tell him not to call you or try to contact with you. Tell him you will get a restraining order if he keeps trying to contact with you, and then follow through if necessary.

If you're harboring a fantasy that he will some day come to his senses, and really how much you've done for him, and henceforth be a caring and sensitive partner, forget it. That will never happen. These guys do not change. They're not capable of change. It never happens.

You should probably get some kind of counselling too. You need to find out why you would allow yourself to be drawn to someone like this, why you think you need his acceptance, and why you're willing to be degraded for it. You said there was abuse in your family history too (I sense daddy issues), but whatever it is, you should talk about it with a professional and figure it out.

You have nothing to gain by staying with this piece of shit. He's manipulative, narcissistic, lazy, exploitive, sexist, entitled and emotionally indifferent. He doesn't love you or respect you. He's a womanizing, parasitic, using scumbag who treats you like a servant and an ATM who puts out. You get nothing out of this "relationship," he gets everything, For God's sake, stop being a fucking doormat. Make up your mind that it's over and it WILL be over. You have all the power. He has none.
#37
Old 05-02-2009, 09:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenixundone View Post
wow, thanks for the prompt responses.

@Alice The Goon, Fish

see the thing is, i've tried to dump him multiple times. the problem is, he won't accept it.
How the heck does this statement make any kind of sense whatsoever? You live apart, you have a relationship where he is taking and not giving. You're a 22 year old adult female, say it's over, get caller ID and call blocking if you want. You indicate he's not prone to violence or stalking, he's just an egotistical ass. Short of him having mind control powers what the hell does his "non-acceptance" of being dumped have to do with anything?

Last edited by astro; 05-02-2009 at 09:51 PM.
#38
Old 05-02-2009, 10:23 PM
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Location: Seminole, FL
Posts: 8,510
If you live alone, change the locks on all the doors; add deadbolts if you don't have them. There are rods which will prevent your windows being opened, buy them too. If you don't have a peep hole in your door, add one. If he shows up, don't answer it. When he calls, don't engage him in any kind of conversation and don't let him engage you. Hang up the instant you recognize his voice. Don't engage in any conversation with any of his friends; as soon as you know who they are, hang up. Don't go anywhere where you are likely to encounter him or any of his friends. In other words, get the chump out of your life; things are NOT going to get better between the two of you. If he continues to bug you, notify the cops and then buy yourself a pump 12 gauge or a great big dog. Maybe you should buy the dog first.

ETA: Forgot to say, get a new phone number ASAP and be sure it is not only unlisted but unpublished as well.

Last edited by LouisB; 05-02-2009 at 10:25 PM.
#39
Old 05-02-2009, 10:44 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 9,154
Yeah, what they said. I'm just adding my voice here, no extra advice. Change your number and the locks, don't respond to a single thing he does, and call the cops if he won't leave you alone. A good big dog is also a plus.

Oh, and read The Gift of Fear. You're not worried about violence, but there's also quite a bit in there about how predators find someone who will give in and then just constantly pressure them to do what they want. Your guy sounds like that; he knows you'll give in eventually, and you're a free maid/cook/ATM/warm place, so he pressures you because he knows it will work. Don't let him do that any more. Don't talk with him, that will only encourage him to try harder--just cut him off completely. No further explanation, no further talking.

At this point, you're not saving him; you're preventing him from learning how a decent human being acts. He doesn't seem to have one redeeming thing about him, and if you stick around he'll never change.
#40
Old 05-02-2009, 11:03 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: Twin Cities, Minnesota
Posts: 21,506
I had one of these - the 'not letting me break up with him' - type. I told him to get the fuck out of my life. I moved out of my house for two weeks and took my cat and myself to my parents. He may have been hanging out there, I don't know. If he called at work I hung up on him. He showed up at work once, I went out when the receptionist said there is someone here for you. Took one look at him and said "if he doesn't leave, call the police."
#41
Old 05-02-2009, 11:43 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: The Group W Bench
Posts: 6,284
phoenix, I didn't mean to freak you by mentioning women's shelters. I just want you to know you're not alone here. There's people who will help you if you need it.

Having your own place makes things straightforward, like the people above suggest. I know the advice above sounds harsh - but he's a user and he's got a pretty cushy arrangement. He's going to push back. You need to be prepared to freeze him out and make it stick.
#42
Old 05-02-2009, 11:49 PM
BANNED
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Auckland
Posts: 6,670
Of course he doesn't want to break up with you: as far as he's concerned he's hit the relationship jackpot. He can screw around while you pay his bills and act as his unpaid servant so he doesn't have to work, while you stick around because you think you can save the poor wee lonely soul from himself and you give out limitless blowjobs. Shit, the ony reason he hasn't married you yet is that you don't own a pub: honestly, what impetus has he got to change?

Jesus, honey, they don't hand out medals for martyrdom: salvage a little dignity by dumping his useless arse yesterday, call the cops on him if he hassles you about it, count the last three years as a valuable life lesson that someone can only use you if you let them, and move on: there are plenty of decent guys out there who don't treat women as moist-slotted ATM's, so go find yourself one.

Last edited by Scissorjack; 05-02-2009 at 11:50 PM.
#43
Old 05-03-2009, 12:14 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 624
Have a friend stay over to help you with the willpower. Or has he drawn you away from your friends?

You're not in a polyamorous relationship, BTW. Polyamorous relationships take a lot of work, and give and take from all involved. He's getting all of the benefits of a poly relationship with none of the effort. It's just take take take.
#44
Old 05-03-2009, 12:37 AM
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Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Taint of creation
Posts: 33,150
Again... where in the world is everyone coming up with "abusive, dangerous, stalker ex-boyfriend! Get a gun, a dog, get big door bolts!" From the posts the OP has laid out he's a self centered, manipulative ass, but the main issue seems to be that she can't seem to keep her itchy fingers off the phone receiver when her self centered slacker calls her to try and reconcile. If she wants to be rid of him DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN HE CALLS.

Last edited by astro; 05-03-2009 at 12:39 AM.
#45
Old 05-03-2009, 01:10 AM
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Tel Aviv
Posts: 22,437
Get some help. Friends, family members, anyone you trust - keep them close for support and motivation. If you can't break up with him yourself, have them do it for you. You can even have one or two of them stay with you for the first few days or weeks, to have your back if he comes around.

Seek strength in numbers. There's no reason for you to do this alone.
#46
Old 05-03-2009, 01:38 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 870
It doesn't sound to me that it would be all that hard for you to dump him at a practical level, though it would undoubtedly be difficult at an emotional level.

After three years with one man, you might not be as in touch with the variety of men that exist and the ways that a relationship could be different from and better than the one you're currently in. If you dump him and start playing the field, you'll find that not all men are like him.
#47
Old 05-03-2009, 01:45 AM
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Join Date: Jun 1999
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 3,760
Quote:
Originally Posted by astro View Post
From the posts the OP has laid out he's a self centered, manipulative ass, but the main issue seems to be that she can't seem to keep her itchy fingers off the phone receiver when her self centered slacker calls her to try and reconcile.
Hmm, that has also my impression. It sounds to me like he's just a giant Grade A Mooch, but he really hasn't done anything creepy. If the OP is happy to provide financial, emotional, housekeeping and sexual support for nothing in return for years, I can't necessarily fault him for it or say he's being irrational in accepting it. Heck, I wonder if she's even attempted setting boundaries for acceptable behavior on mooching and if so I'm curious how that went.

I'm not arguing that the relationship can be saved, but I think it's important to establish those lines in the sand earlier.
__________________
You know, doing what is right is easy. The problem is knowing what is right.

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Last edited by threemae; 05-03-2009 at 01:46 AM.
#48
Old 05-03-2009, 02:38 AM
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Bith Shuffle View Post
It doesn't sound to me that it would be all that hard for you to dump him at a practical level, though it would undoubtedly be difficult at an emotional level.
you got it right on the dot. emotionally, it's just so difficult. at this point, it's like i've invested so much energy and thought and work into this thing, it's just hard to leave. like dealing with a fussy and bratty kid. he's still your kid, at the end. but he's not my "kid", and it's fucked up, i know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by astro View Post
she can't seem to keep her itchy fingers off the phone receiver when her self centered slacker calls her to try and reconcile.
you're absolutely right. i'd like to call it unconditional love, but, really, i think i'm just pretty weak... ugh.

#49
Old 05-03-2009, 02:42 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 870
Just do anything you can to find peace of mind, even if that means looking for it at the bottom of a Haagen-Dazs carton. Nothing is more important than that you end this now, so do it and do it good, whatever that requires.
#50
Old 05-03-2009, 02:46 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Hey! I'm located! WOOOOW!
Posts: 36,831
... OK, so he won't "accept" that you've dumped him... do you think he'll notice that you're not giving him more BJs? You've painted yourself into a corner bigtime: you're in a situation of dependency with a guy who thinks you're both his sex slave and his mother. Talk about gross!

Seriously, don't talk about it: plan your escape and then execute it.
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