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#1
Old 08-27-2010, 09:58 PM
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Catching a serial shitter

We have a serial shitter living in our dormitory. So far, there's been 5 incidents in the past month. Today, it's been escalated. The person(s) took a shit on a teacher's car. Please help me to make a profile of this person to help catch him/her.

1. What kind of mental illness would this be classified under?
2. What other symptoms would be noticeable?
3. If I wanted to aggravate this person to lure them into a trap, what would be a likely trigger?
#2
Old 08-27-2010, 10:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superhal View Post
1. What kind of mental illness would this be classified under?
College.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Superhal
2. What other symptoms would be noticeable?
Binge drinking, sex with sorority girls, may or may not wear a baseball cap backwards. Both the fact that he (it's almost certainly a male) is in college and he took a dump on a teacher's car indicates a hatred of authority.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Superhal
3. If I wanted to aggravate this person to lure them into a trap, what would be a likely trigger?
A teacher who swears that he/she will capture this dispenser of poopy justice is likely to have his or her car fall victim to defecation vigilantism.
#3
Old 08-27-2010, 10:05 PM
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If the teacher's car isn't a random act then start with students from that class. Anybody living nearby?

Camera's are cheap. Get some old VCR's together and record the area in question.
#4
Old 08-27-2010, 11:02 PM
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Take a map of your campus, put pins in the locations of the incidents. Then use string to connect the points until the strings all crisscross - that's where your shitter is operating from.

What? It worked for Major Hochstetter on Hogan's Heroes once!

Seriously though - the locations are probably a good place to start looking for patterns.
#5
Old 08-28-2010, 02:06 AM
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To 'eliminate' suspects you could start feeding selected individuals corn, for specimin identification purposes.
#6
Old 08-28-2010, 02:07 AM
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Navy veteran. Seriously.
#7
Old 08-28-2010, 02:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AClockworkMelon View Post
A teacher who swears that he/she will capture this dispenser of poopy justice is likely to have his or her car fall victim to defecation vigilantism.
The Scarlet Poopernel?
Robin Dood?
#8
Old 08-28-2010, 08:51 AM
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He took a shit on a teacher's car? WTF? Like, he crawled up, squatted on the hood, and then dropped a deuce right there? Wow, that guy has got balls.
#9
Old 08-28-2010, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by kidneyfailure View Post
He took a shit on a teacher's car? WTF? Like, he crawled up, squatted on the hood, and then dropped a deuce right there? Wow, that guy has got balls.
If they got in the way, maybe the perpetrator will smell bad.
#10
Old 08-28-2010, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Airman Doors, USAF View Post
Navy veteran. Seriously.
Or an Army veteran. I worked with a West Point grad in Kosovo and this same sort of thing went on when he was there. Once the guy pooped under some couch cushions.

Sometimes I just don't get guys...
#11
Old 08-28-2010, 11:16 AM
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If I could shit serial, that would cut down on my food costs a lot...
#12
Old 08-28-2010, 11:34 AM
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Phantom Shitters are damn near impossible to catch. Often they will shit into a bag or onto a piece of cardboard, then 'deposit' their cargo elsewhere.
#13
Old 08-28-2010, 01:45 PM
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The Mad Crapper lives!

(See: National Lampoon's High School Yearbook Parody)
#14
Old 08-28-2010, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Airman Doors, USAF View Post
Navy veteran. Seriously.

I see a "poopdeck" joke here, but good taste and discretion prevail.

.
#15
Old 08-28-2010, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Surly Chick View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Airman Doors, USAF View Post
Navy veteran. Seriously.
Or an Army veteran. I worked with a West Point grad in Kosovo and this same sort of thing went on when he was there. Once the guy pooped under some couch cushions.

Sometimes I just don't get guys...
Anal-sadistic, whatever else may be said for it, is a very manly thing to be.
#16
Old 08-28-2010, 03:52 PM
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A couple of years before I moved into my dorm, one resident waited for a bit dorm-wide meeting to crawl atop the piano and take a shit upon a piece of paper that read "Beethoven's Last Movement."
#17
Old 08-28-2010, 04:13 PM
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That's absolutely disgusting. That person should be shot.
#18
Old 08-28-2010, 04:27 PM
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I thought dna tests could prove who it came from?
#19
Old 08-28-2010, 08:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rex Goliath View Post
A couple of years before I moved into my dorm, one resident waited for a bit dorm-wide meeting to crawl atop the piano and take a shit upon a piece of paper that read "Beethoven's Last Movement."
I woulda chosen "Beethoven's No. 2," but to each their own!
#20
Old 08-28-2010, 08:56 PM
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Originally Posted by pseudotriton ruber ruber View Post
If I could shit serial, that would cut down on my food costs a lot...
And if you could shit parallel, you could save a lot of time on the crapper.
#21
Old 08-28-2010, 09:24 PM
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Originally Posted by TreacherousCretin View Post
The Mad Crapper lives!

(See: National Lampoon's High School Yearbook Parody)
And MusiCat isn't the Mad Crapper!!

I suggest you check the superintendent's locker.
#22
Old 08-28-2010, 10:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Airman Doors, USAF View Post
Navy veteran. Seriously.
Yup.
#23
Old 08-28-2010, 10:22 PM
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The butler shit it.
#24
Old 08-28-2010, 10:29 PM
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Originally Posted by gonzomax View Post
The butler shit it.
In what room? Using what?
#25
Old 08-29-2010, 01:20 AM
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I must confess, the part of me that will always be 13 thinks this is hilarious. Mostly because I don't have to clean it up or deal with it.

Also, obligatory Onion link.
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#26
Old 08-29-2010, 08:08 AM
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Horatio, do you have a number 1 suspect ?
Not this time Frank
(puts on sunglasses)
This time -pause
I'm looking for number 2

Yaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
#27
Old 08-29-2010, 12:03 PM
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He should be easy to catch. just use the process of elimination.
#28
Old 08-29-2010, 12:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBertha View Post
I thought dna tests could prove who it came from?
Sure, if you desperately wanted to spend that much money. AND had reference DNA samples. Which I'm reasonably certain they don't.
#29
Old 08-29-2010, 02:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gonzomax View Post
He should be easy to catch. just use the process of elimination.
Holy shit, this is funny
#30
Old 08-29-2010, 05:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBertha View Post
I thought dna tests could prove who it came from?
Yes, generally feces contains enough cells with DNA material to provide a positive identification. So have the campus police send samples to the lab.

And if you know that the perpetrator lives in your dorm (how?), you might ask everyone to voluntarily submit to DNA tests. You might find him. Or you could concentrate on the men who refused the test -- skip than the ones who are constitutional rights activists, and look closely at the others.

All this might just scare him into stopping, but that's partly what you want, right?
#31
Old 08-30-2010, 08:57 AM
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One thing I can tell you is that it's not Sherlock Holmes.
#32
Old 08-30-2010, 09:22 AM
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No shit?
#33
Old 08-30-2010, 09:53 AM
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How do you know a student is responsible? Perhaps the teacher shit on his own hood and just forgot about it.
#34
Old 08-30-2010, 10:01 AM
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You can rule out the anal retentives with the tidy rooms.
#35
Old 08-30-2010, 11:56 AM
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Actually, it's my understanding that this can be a sign of serious mental illness. We had a similar problem in an office that I worked in, and the police took it much more seriously than we expected. It was way past the "prank" stage though, including smearing on the walls in the ladies room, and attempts to write words and such.

You are looking for a person with a very childish temper. Imagine the way a 2-year old gets angry, and watch for that behavior. Verbal tantrums, assuming that others mean to offend, very low confidence level. This person is a gatherer of grudges, and the majority of his (or her, but it is highly likely to be a male) conversation will be about who has offended him and how. This person probably does not date or have a "best friend." This person's roommate probably has no doubt about who is doing it, but not enough proof to speak up. (You might start with the list of people whose roommates have asked to be switched to another room.)

Ours was unusual in that it was mostly happening in the women's restroom. The police were really surprised that a female would exhibit this behavior. It turned out to be a physical male who was living as a woman.
#36
Old 08-30-2010, 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted by TruCelt View Post
Ours was unusual in that it was mostly happening in the women's restroom. The police were really surprised that a female would exhibit this behavior.
I wouldn't have been. You shoulda seen the condition of the female heads on my last at-sea duty station. 'Nasty' doesn't even begin to describe it. Up to, and including, obscenely-worded fecal smearings on the walls of the stalls.
#37
Old 08-30-2010, 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted by CWN View Post
Horatio, do you have a number 1 suspect ?
Not this time Frank
(puts on sunglasses)
This time -pause
I'm looking for number 2

Yaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Well done.
#38
Old 08-30-2010, 12:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superhal View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by AClockworkMelon View Post
A teacher who swears that he/she will capture this dispenser of poopy justice is likely to have his or her car fall victim to defecation vigilantism.
The Scarlet Poopernel?
Robin Dood?
If he has a couple of accomplices, they could be the Three Tushkateers.

And if he's religiously-minded using hemorrhoid pads to wipe with when he's done, we could call him Friar Tucks.

Last edited by Serenata67; 08-30-2010 at 12:42 PM.
#39
Old 08-30-2010, 12:59 PM
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When I went to Space Camp as a child somebody took a dump in the sink. The culprit was never identified, maybe it is the same man continuing a 15 year long brown streak of fecal terror. I really pissed me off too since the counselors tried the whole 'lets punish everybody until the person who did it confesses' routine.
#40
Old 08-30-2010, 01:46 PM
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Could it be a copycat pooper? One person's prank getting outshat by competitive shit disturbers.
#41
Old 08-30-2010, 01:49 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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You could get Charlie Chan to solve this for you. Number one son could help. But they'll probably discover that the culprit is number two son.
#42
Old 08-30-2010, 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by MichaelEmouse View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by gonzomax View Post
The butler shit it.
In what room? Using what?
Haven't a Clue.
#43
Old 08-30-2010, 02:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RTFirefly View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelEmouse View Post

In what room? Using what?
Haven't a Clue.
If the answer has anything to do with Miss Scarlett, the guy should see a doctor.
#44
Old 08-30-2010, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by tdn View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by RTFirefly View Post
Haven't a Clue.
If the answer has anything to do with Miss Scarlett, the guy should see a doctor.
The rope and the revolver don't bode well either.
#45
Old 08-30-2010, 02:58 PM
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The candlestick, on the other hand...
#46
Old 08-30-2010, 02:59 PM
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Where was SuperKapowzler at the time the deed was commited?

Just curious....


And shit.
#47
Old 08-30-2010, 05:05 PM
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The obvious just occurred to me: Start with a list of people the prof has given "F"s to recently.
#48
Old 08-30-2010, 05:51 PM
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Allow me to commiserate. When I was in college I lived in a dorm. My second year we had a guy who would shit in the washing machine, the shower or on the laundry room floor EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT.

This went on for about 6 weeks until a few of us were able to narrow down the suspects. Pretty soon it became apparent there was only one guy who had been there every weekend and who had been drunk every Saturday night.

The next weekend several of us kept watch. About 1:30 in the morning the guy went into the laundry room. We gave him about 2 minutes then went in after him. Sure enough, he was sitting on top of the washer, pinching a loaf.

We made him get up and clean it out. Then we threw him in the shower to clean off, let him get dressed, took him outside and duct taped him to the light post next to the volleyball court.

When I woke up at 7 I saw a campus cop car turning into the quad driveway and walking over to the guy. I went up to Al, the cop on weekend duty in our area and said, "Please leave him. He's been shitting in the laundry room every weekend."

Al laughed, got back in his car and said, "Don't leave him there past noon, okay?"

Turns out Al filed his incident report and it got back to the dorm admin, who asked the kid about it and promptly booted his ass out of the dorms. Oddly, there were no consequences whatsoever for those of us who taped him to the pole.
#49
Old 08-30-2010, 07:33 PM
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We had a serial shitter when I was in college, too. He'd sneak into classrooms at night and shellac the blackboards with feces. The poor bastard was relatively easy to catch because he tagged classrooms in the same building two or three times. An extra security guard was all it took to catch him.

He wasn't a student, just a very mentally ill person who lived in the community.
#50
Old 08-30-2010, 08:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Airman Doors, USAF View Post
Navy veteran. Seriously.
Ever see (or read) Flight Of The Intruder? There is a subplot about a Phantom Shitter who had been hitting targets all over the ship. At the time they are briefed about it in the movie, we learn that the Phantom Shitter managed to drop one in the Commander Air Group's ash tray (in the book, he announced, via an anonymous note, that he would leave one on the fantail of the ship; he succeeded, despite a pair of Marine sentries being posted to stand guard. The identity of the shitter turns out to be very important to the plot of the movie (not shitting you here, it really was).

Now, in real life, at my first tech school, this happened in one of the female dormitories my second week out of Basic (Air Force). Word of this was escalated to the Sergeants, who proceeded to put the entire dormitory building (including the male wing) on Lockdown, which meant that they had formations every morning and evening (including the weekends), had to perform GI parties every night before Taps, had to have Latrine Guards posted (in Service Dress, IIRC) at all times, and if you wanted to use the latrine (yay community bathrooms), you had to get in uniform, report to the Charge of Quarters, sign in, use the bathroom, report back to the Charge of Quarters, and sign out.

Yeah, it was bullcrap. Don't think they ever caught the person. A few months later, we had a Phantom Shitter strike in our squad's hallway, and the squad leader told us NOT to let word of it get outside our squad or to the sergeants. Never happened again, never got put on lockdown (why bother the Sergeants with what is obviously an Airman problem, right? They are busy people, let's not burden them further...)
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