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#1
Old 01-12-2011, 05:59 AM
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Suppose I wanted my very own pet panda ...

Assume the following (completely hypothetical) situation:

1. I'm really, really rich. Filthy rich. I go skeet shooting with tightly packed, flattened discs of compressed $500 bills. THAT rich.

2. I have a house out in the middle of nowhere, free from prying eyes, with plenty of room for the panda to roam around and do panda things, and I'm financially able to see that it has everything it needs for a long, happy panda life.

I started wondering about this when I read an article about how there's a HUGE black market out there for exotic birds. Why anyone would want a nasty, loud bird is beyond me (I had a bad experience with a parrot as a child) - pandas, however, are pretty awesome. I imagine it'd be much harder to procure a panda and much more expensive, but not totally impossible since, well, bribery works and all.

So what would it take?

Money, of course -- but how much of it, and to who? Is there some Official Panda Council in China that I'd have to pay off?
#2
Old 01-12-2011, 08:04 AM
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if you were that filthy rich you could do it legit. set up a non-profit foundation for preservation of pandas and hire some qualified zoologists for some type of research into how to make them breed in captivity.

Then buy them legitimately from zoos.
#3
Old 01-12-2011, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by coremelt View Post
Then buy them legitimately from zoos.
It might not be that easy. IIRC, the Pandas in overseas zoos still belong to China.

Simpler than the above would be to simply buy a zoo that already has a Panda.
#4
Old 01-12-2011, 08:45 AM
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From the Panda wiki article:

"American zoos generally pay the Chinese government $1 million a year in fees, as part of a typical ten-year contract. San Diego's contract with China was to expire in 2008 but got a five-year extension at about half of the previous yearly cost. The last contract, with the Memphis Zoo in Memphis, Tennessee, ends in 2013."

I believe all Pandas outside China are still Chinese property, they are effectively rented out.
#5
Old 01-12-2011, 08:48 AM
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I can get you a panda, no questions asked. PM me.
#6
Old 01-12-2011, 10:41 AM
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the other thing is that despite the fact that they appear to be totally lazy meatsacks, they're still big-ass carnivores and can dismantle you pretty effectively.
#7
Old 01-12-2011, 10:44 AM
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You need my express written consent, not to be confused with my implied oral consent.
#8
Old 01-12-2011, 11:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jz78817 View Post
the other thing is that despite the fact that they appear to be totally lazy meatsacks, they're still big-ass carnivores and can dismantle you pretty effectively.
Carnivores?
#9
Old 01-12-2011, 11:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MPB in Salt Lake View Post
Carnivores?
Yeah, even though they're vegetarians.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mw.com
: any of an order (Carnivora) of typically flesh-eating mammals that includes dogs, foxes, bears, raccoons, and cats; broadly : a carnivorous animal
Most definitely under Carnivora, and the convenient weasel word "typically."
#10
Old 01-12-2011, 11:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MPB in Salt Lake View Post
Carnivores?
They are carnivores in the sense of belonging to the order Carnivora. However, they are not meat-eaters.
#11
Old 01-12-2011, 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Giles View Post
They are carnivores in the sense of belonging to the order Carnivora. However, they are not meat-eaters.
which is why they're useless animals that do nothing but eat.
#12
Old 01-12-2011, 11:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
They are carnivores in the sense of belonging to the order Carnivora. However, they are not meat-eaters.
Actually, pandas are omnivores. There was a good article in National Geographic in the early 80's where researchers established that panda will pretty much eat anything they can shove in their mouths (even carrion)
#13
Old 01-12-2011, 11:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PandaBear77 View Post
Assume the following (completely hypothetical) situation:

1. I'm really, really rich. Filthy rich. I go skeet shooting with tightly packed, flattened discs of compressed $500 bills. THAT rich.

2. I have a house out in the middle of nowhere, free from prying eyes, with plenty of room for the panda to roam around and do panda things, and I'm financially able to see that it has everything it needs for a long, happy panda life.
3. Hi, Opal


Seriously though, how dangerous are pandas? Even if they don't eat meat, they still have claws. If I fell into the panda exhibit at the zoo, and assuming I didnít fall on one of them, would I be torn to pieces in minutes or could I walk right out?
#14
Old 01-12-2011, 11:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Earl Snake-Hips Tucker View Post
Most definitely under Carnivora, and the convenient weasel word "typically."
Interestingly, weasels are also in the order Carnivora.
#15
Old 01-12-2011, 02:23 PM
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Quote:
Seriously though, how dangerous are pandas? Even if they don't eat meat, they still have claws. If I fell into the panda exhibit at the zoo, and assuming I didnít fall on one of them, would I be torn to pieces in minutes or could I walk right out?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=oMpgcfiC3p4
#16
Old 01-12-2011, 02:23 PM
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I have seen highly protected animal cubs in animal markets in third world countries, openly on display. I suspect if you were to head there with a fist full of US $, something could be arranged. How you get the thing home would be another issue altogether.

I think the 'set up your own zoo' thing would be the way to go. Sort of, legit zoo, with Chinese owned Pandas, up front, private, illegally acquired, pandas in the back.
#17
Old 01-12-2011, 03:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coremelt View Post
if you were that filthy rich you could do it legit. set up a non-profit foundation for preservation of pandas and hire some qualified zoologists for some type of research into how to make them breed in captivity.

Then buy them legitimately from zoos.


Come on, where's the fun in that? If you can't use your cash to buy people off, acquire illicit pandas and do it all in a shadily nefarious manner, what's the point in being filthy rich?

Last edited by Colophon; 01-12-2011 at 03:54 PM.
#18
Old 01-12-2011, 04:39 PM
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Originally Posted by elbows View Post
How you get the thing home would be another issue altogether.
Could you train it to hold really still and pretend to be a stuffed panda? Or (if there are rules about importing dead pandas) train it to pretend to be a fake stuffed panda?

Last edited by Gedd; 01-12-2011 at 04:39 PM.
#19
Old 01-12-2011, 04:51 PM
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The obvious solution is to put a drugged baby panda in your suitcase.
#20
Old 01-12-2011, 05:07 PM
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The OP might not have any luck with a pet giant panda, but getting a pet red panda, while challenging, might be doable.

Wikipedia link.

I sure wish someone would find a way to domesticate these things and breed them in captivity, because they are dang cute.
#21
Old 01-12-2011, 05:13 PM
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Speaking of Wiki, this is one of the few instances I'm afraid to click on a Wiki link from work. I went to the Giant Panda Wiki page and it talked about how they were having problems getting them to breed in captivity, and some researchers resorted to trying to teach them how to mate by showing them Panda Porn (with Wikilink). Nope. I've even seen the show about showing them Panda Porn and I am NOT clicking on that link.
#22
Old 01-12-2011, 05:53 PM
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Much as with tigers the Chinese government already long ago realized that they are the ones who are in the best position to exploit giant pandas. So as already mentioned in this thread, they rent them out to zoos around the world under the guise of "breeding programs". What isn't often discussed is that taking pandas who are capable of successfully breeding out of the wild to participate in these rent-a-panda programs is in itself part of the reason they remain so endangered that we can justify capturing them for breeding programs (if you think you see a vicious circle in this design you are correct). So other posters were right. The most straightforward way to get your own panda if money is no object is to buy or found an accredited zoo, hire a biologist and a zookeeper who will 'work with you' and then rent some Pandas from China. The "Zoo" is your way of creating conditions where the Chinese government can set you up with an endangered animal for a huge fee without suffering too much scorn from the international community. If you think that is too plain vanilla and not sneaky or underhanded enough you can take some comfort in the fact that it is all definitely very sneaky and underhanded and corrupt. Being legal shouldn't give one the impression that it is either honest, or actually good for Pandas.
#23
Old 01-12-2011, 06:04 PM
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Before you decide to get a panda bear, you should definitely watch this scene....be warned, it's pretty graphic. It might help you to decide that panda bears are simply too dangerous to keep...

-XT
#24
Old 01-14-2011, 01:53 AM
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Don't cuddle with it - it can kick your arse and/or kill you.
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