#1
Old 07-27-2012, 07:21 PM
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Rejected by eHarmony?

I got rejected as undatable by eHarmony a few years ago. I don't know why, maybe because I was in my mid 30s and had never dated, or maybe my self-esteem issues, but regardless I was rather upset.

I guess they reject a number of applicants, to the point one of their competitors called them on it in a series of commericals, but it still kind of took me aback since most places are happy to take your money. Anyone here tried to sign up and get rejected, and how did you deal with it? I did talk to my therapist about it, and she was rather surprised since she didn't hear of it happening to any of her other clients.

Last edited by Mdcastle; 07-27-2012 at 07:23 PM.
#2
Old 07-27-2012, 07:24 PM
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I was under the impression eHarmony would reject some people because they didn't match up enough with certain religious beliefs. I had thought it's happened to a number of Dopers who may be along shortly to tell us the tale.

EDIT:

Yep, here's a pair of threads along this same subject.

http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/...d.php?t=226120

http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/...d.php?t=558617

Last edited by Covered_In_Bees!; 07-27-2012 at 07:26 PM.
#3
Old 07-27-2012, 07:47 PM
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I don't think it has anything to do with religion. It didn't seem to care that I was atheist when I used it a few years ago.
#4
Old 07-27-2012, 07:50 PM
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eHarmony's questions are designed to figure out if you want to dominate or be dominated. If you want neither, they don't know what to do with you.

Based on how relations usually work, their model isn't that wrong.
#5
Old 07-27-2012, 07:53 PM
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The first time I went through it while I was 'currently separated' it rejected me after I filled out 3 hours worth of questions. The second time I filled it out (different email address) when I was divorced it didn't reject me. FTR, I filled it out as an atheist. I don't remember all the religious questions, but if it makes a difference, I'm not one of those "all religious are stupid and you're an idiot for believing in them" in the Atheists. More of a 'live and let live'/don't try convert me and I don't bother you type people.

So, I would (again, I don't remember the questions) have said No to Do you go to church? But I wouldn't have said 'no' to something like "Would you be okay with your SO going to church?"

Anyways, if you want an opinion, I didn't like EH. Match is much better and OKC is free.


ETA, The reason I was rejected was because they only accept people that are single, not 'separated'. Also, I figured they made me fill the three hours worth of questions instead of telling me right away so that I wouldn't just start over with a new email address right and a different status. I think the idea is that you go 'the heck with it, I'm not doing that again'.

Last edited by Joey P; 07-27-2012 at 07:56 PM.
#6
Old 07-27-2012, 07:58 PM
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For the record, I'm more religious as an intellectual thing than as a practical matter, but I did put down that I was a straight christian. And SenorBeef, that does kind of describe me.
#7
Old 07-27-2012, 08:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SenorBeef View Post
eHarmony's questions are designed to figure out if you want to dominate or be dominated. If you want neither, they don't know what to do with you.
How do you know that?

I filled out the questions a few years ago (and strangely enough I was accepted, even though I'm terrible at relationships) but I don't remember the questions all that much.
#8
Old 07-27-2012, 08:58 PM
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My brother's best friend was rejected because they said that they didn't feel there were enough women members that had similar interests to make it worth his while - basically he was too eccentric for e-harmony.

FWIW, he's VERY eccentric. Nice guy but very unique outlook.

Last edited by alice_in_wonderland; 07-27-2012 at 08:59 PM. Reason: Apostrophe
#9
Old 07-27-2012, 09:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Blackberry View Post
How do you know that?
I was curious as to what their matchmaking methodology was, so as it asked me each question I tried to figure out what exactly they were trying to figure out, and weaved it into a bigger picture. So this is just my own guess/analysis. I don't remember specifics but it seemed pretty clear, a whole lot of the questions were obliquely asking whether you wanted to be dominant or dominated.
#10
Old 07-27-2012, 09:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SenorBeef View Post
eHarmony's questions are designed to figure out if you want to dominate or be dominated. If you want neither, they don't know what to do with you.

Based on how relations usually work, their model isn't that wrong.
Confused. Are you (A) saying eHarmony is a hive for dominatrixes and guys in gimp masks, that (B) they assume, in a more typical relationship, that one of the two parties will be the one making all the decisions in said relationship, or that (C) you yourself subscribe to the worldview in (B). (A) would be ridiculous for a company with such a high profile; we've moved sufficiently out of the Dark Ages in this the year 2012 AD that many couples practice egalitarianism in relationships (eliminating (B)); which leaves (C), but I know you are more progressive than that.

Or (D), I just got whooshed.

Posts crossed, I think I gotcha now. In any event I believe in narrowcasting on sites devoted to specific interests if you are interested in Internet dating-I'm sufficiently "eccentric" that I know they would certainly shoot me down if I was so inclined.

Last edited by John DiFool; 07-27-2012 at 09:19 PM.
#11
Old 07-27-2012, 09:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joey P View Post
The first time I went through it while I was 'currently separated' it rejected me after I filled out 3 hours worth of questions.

ETA, The reason I was rejected was because they only accept people that are single, not 'separated'. Also, I figured they made me fill the three hours worth of questions instead of telling me right away so that I wouldn't just start over with a new email address right and a different status. I think the idea is that you go 'the heck with it, I'm not doing that again'.
Same with me. Pissed me right off. Tell me up front dammit.
#12
Old 07-27-2012, 10:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Loach View Post
Same with me. Pissed me right off. Tell me up front dammit.
If it had told me upfront, I would have just lied and chosen divorced since (at the time) my divorce would have been finalized fairly soon after. I think, like I said, that's why they don't tell you, figuring you won't want to do the survey again just to adjust the one question.

They will, however, let you activate when your divorce is final if send in the divorce paperwork, but I just redid the survey at that point. I mean, it took a lot less time then messing around with mailing stuff in and probably calling them to get it straightened out.

Either way, like I said, I didn't really care for it anyways. Besides, I don't know what it's like if you're specifically looking for someone Christian/Catholic, but there's plenty of us heathens in there polluting the water. I assume it can be set up to ONLY match you with others of your faith. I'm also assuming that it probably draws people more serious about their faith then, say, Match and and OKC. But, man, I hated the way it was set up.
#13
Old 07-27-2012, 10:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Loach View Post
Same with me. Pissed me right off. Tell me up front dammit.
But then they wouldn't have had all that nice, fresh, juicy information to use for nefarious marketing purposes. This way they get the information before they show you the door.
#14
Old 07-27-2012, 10:57 PM
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I went through all the questions years ago and was accepted. And then noticed that all of my matches had one particular trait that was a dealbreaker for me - absolutely would not date them on that basis.

So much for EHarmony.
#15
Old 07-27-2012, 11:04 PM
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Been rejected twice...can't remember the exact wording, but something along the lines that they had no suitable matches for me. I remember at the time thinking that many of the questions seemed skewed towards being a more submissive-type woman than they apparently thought I was.

How did I deal with it?
Went on Match.com instead.
Found my ex-boyfrined on there and reconnected.
It ended badly but had some stellar moments before he revealed himself as a jerk.
Again.

Last edited by kittenblue; 07-27-2012 at 11:05 PM.
#16
Old 07-27-2012, 11:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loach View Post
Same with me. Pissed me right off. Tell me up front dammit.
They do.

It's in the second paragraph regarding eligibility to use their service.

1. Eligibility.

Minimum Age. You must be at least 18 years old to use the Site or to register for the Services. By using the Singles Service, you represent and warrant that you are at least 18 years old. Other Services may have other age requirements for all or portion of such Services, and such other age requirements are stated on such Services or portions thereof.


Marital Status. By requesting to use, registering to use, or using the Singles Service, you represent and warrant that you are not married. If you are separated, but not yet legally divorced, you may not request to use, register to use, or use the Singles Service.
#17
Old 07-28-2012, 08:37 AM
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I'm pretty sure they do look at potential local matches. Are you rural? It's a pain to re-fill that form, but I suspect a lot of people who get bounced would get accepted if they were in a major metro area. I have no interest in testing this.
#18
Old 07-28-2012, 08:55 AM
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since you pay to use it, isn't them being honest and saying you have no change a good thing, rather than just taking your money?
#19
Old 07-28-2012, 09:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by raskolnik View Post
since you pay to use it, isn't them being honest and saying you have no change a good thing, rather than just taking your money?
I get what you're saying, OTOH, the majority of my matches when I was on there were inactive (or had a blank profile). If they wanted to be honest, they could stop matching people up with users that hadn't signed on after a set amount of time (let's say a month).
The problem with EH is that you can only initiate communications with matches they've set you up with, so if they give you three matches today, 1 lives 45 miles away (or just doesn't interest you), one has a blank profile and one is perfect but isn't active, you're SOL until they decide to give you more matches.
#20
Old 07-28-2012, 10:10 AM
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If you live as I do in an area with lots of matches, you don't need or want to be fixed with people from a wide geographic range. Hell, I want to decide if someone lives too many subway stops away from me to date. But they kept fixing me up with women from El Paso TX (and I actually long-distance dated one of them, until I came to my senses)--pretty much a total waste of time. I like much more control over whom I date than E-H allows.
#21
Old 07-28-2012, 11:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alice_in_wonderland View Post
My brother's best friend was rejected because they said that they didn't feel there were enough women members that had similar interests to make it worth his while - basically he was too eccentric for e-harmony.

FWIW, he's VERY eccentric. Nice guy but very unique outlook.

D'ya think maybe I could get his number?

My experience was the same as Joey P's. So frustrating. I support their right not to offer their services to those of us in limbo, but I would love to have used those three hours more productively.
#22
Old 07-28-2012, 11:10 AM
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Are you gay? I don't think they allow gay people to use the site.
#23
Old 07-28-2012, 11:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by olivesmarch4th View Post
Are you gay? I don't think they allow gay people to use the site.
They didn't used to, but I just looked and now they have a linked site called Compatible Partners that is only for gay people. Oddly, it says it's for gays and lesbians but literally every single picture on the front page is of men.

Also, their excuse for not allowing gays before was that the service is aimed at finding marriage partners, and gays can't get married. So that's obviously total bullshit.
#24
Old 07-28-2012, 08:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackberry View Post

Also, their excuse for not allowing gays before was that the service is aimed at finding marriage partners, and gays can't get married. So that's obviously total bullshit.
I think its more complicated than that. Supposedly their matching algorithm was based on studying what made succesful and happy male-female couples. If thats true and they they did not study a bunch of lesbians or gays then I think that arguement might have some validity.

Or in other words, it wasn't "we don't want you business", it was "we have no idea if our system is going to work for you".
#25
Old 07-28-2012, 08:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iggy View Post
I went through all the questions years ago and was accepted. And then noticed that all of my matches had one particular trait that was a dealbreaker for me - absolutely would not date them on that basis.
Female? Living? Left Handed? Crazy? I'm curious.
#26
Old 07-28-2012, 08:54 PM
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Smokers probably. Though left-handed is pretty bad too.
#27
Old 07-28-2012, 08:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Chimera View Post
Female? Living? Left Handed? Crazy? I'm curious.
Maybe he refused to date anyone who would sign up for an online dating service.
#28
Old 07-28-2012, 09:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Alan Smithee View Post
Maybe he refused to date anyone who would sign up for an online dating service.
So they were all Marxists?
#29
Old 07-28-2012, 09:52 PM
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For some reason, the word "undateable" makes me think of this:

Quote:
I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come, because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either, because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikeable you are. It says so here in your personnel file: unlikeable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. "Shall not be mourned." That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted. So that's funny too.
Yeah Iggy, don't leave us hanging!

I was rejected once. I am sure a big part of it is my personality. Also, this was a long time ago, before anyone had heard of them or before they were advertising on TV. It's likely that their pool was smaller then. I wasn't too crushed. I had mainly just wanted to try the tests, the same reason I was on OKCupid. I was on a bit of a psychometrics kick then.
#30
Old 07-28-2012, 10:48 PM
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I had a friend who worked for them briefly. She said most rejections were based the responses suggesting either deception or depression. Don't know if it's true or not, but I do remember they repeated the same question in different ways, so the lying part makes sense. I also remember thinking that the change in phrasing changed the meaning, so if that is what they're trying to do, I don't trust the accuracy.
#31
Old 07-29-2012, 09:07 AM
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Originally Posted by missouri65 View Post
I had a friend who worked for them briefly. She said most rejections were based the responses suggesting either deception or depression.
Great. So they discriminate against the mentally ill. Like I didn't already have enough reason to hate this site.
#32
Old 07-29-2012, 12:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missouri65 View Post
I had a friend who worked for them briefly. She said most rejections were based the responses suggesting either deception or depression. Don't know if it's true or not, but I do remember they repeated the same question in different ways, so the lying part makes sense. I also remember thinking that the change in phrasing changed the meaning, so if that is what they're trying to do, I don't trust the accuracy.
Why wouldn't you trust the accuracy? I think the idea behind changing the phrasing is to make sure you're not just flying through the questions to get to your matches without actually reading them.

For example (and I'm just making this up without putting a lot of thought into it)
If one question asked if you like camping and hiking and later on there was a question that asked if you liked the outdoors or would rather stay inside and you answered yes to one and no to the other, it might raise a red flag. As I recall, there were several times when I thought to myself "huh, I swear I already answered this" and it seemed pretty clear that it was just to make sure that you were still paying attention as the survey was getting pretty long and some people, no doubt, just start clicking random answers at some point.
#33
Old 07-29-2012, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by LurkerInNJ View Post
They do.

It's in the second paragraph regarding eligibility to use their service.

1. Eligibility.

Minimum Age. You must be at least 18 years old to use the Site or to register for the Services. By using the Singles Service, you represent and warrant that you are at least 18 years old. Other Services may have other age requirements for all or portion of such Services, and such other age requirements are stated on such Services or portions thereof.


Marital Status. By requesting to use, registering to use, or using the Singles Service, you represent and warrant that you are not married. If you are separated, but not yet legally divorced, you may not request to use, register to use, or use the Singles Service.
Was it up front or a small link on the bottom? I only remember something saying sign up free take our free survey. If they said to check eligibility first I would have.

Quote:
Originally Posted by olivesmarch4th View Post
Great. So they discriminate against the mentally ill. Like I didn't already have enough reason to hate this site.
I would love to have been able to screen the mentally ill out of my dating pool. It would have saved me from a divorce and I still would have had all the money I made.
#34
Old 07-29-2012, 01:32 PM
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Originally Posted by olivesmarch4th View Post
Great. So they discriminate against the mentally ill. Like I didn't already have enough reason to hate this site.
Well... I don't see them matching up liars with liars and depressed people with depressed people working out well
#35
Old 07-29-2012, 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Loach View Post
Was it up front or a small link on the bottom? I only remember something saying sign up free take our free survey. If they said to check eligibility first I would have.
I'm sure that it's in the small print somewhere but I don't recall it being obvious. I went through that damn two hour test about six weeks before my divorce was final. At the very end I clicked on Separated thinking that I would change it when the thing became final. After all of that time taking the test, I was ineligible. I get that they probably don't make the info obvious upfront to avoid having people lie about their status but that was really annoying.
#36
Old 07-29-2012, 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Ruken View Post
I'm pretty sure they do look at potential local matches. Are you rural? It's a pain to re-fill that form, but I suspect a lot of people who get bounced would get accepted if they were in a major metro area. I have no interest in testing this.
I am rural and they didn't have any matches nearby for me.

I swear there was some option I chose in the process of signing up that limited the area I was willing to travel (it was still a big number - 150 miles or something, I don't remember) but I would get "matches" from coast to coast.


wish they had rejected me instead of taking my money.
#37
Old 07-29-2012, 02:25 PM
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A bunch of friends and I tried it when it first came out, no television commercials at the time, I don't think. It was over a decade ago.

I don't recall the exact phrasing, but every single one of was was rejected and at the time we got a very definite sense it was because we were not religious at all, in any way. Not even atheist.
#38
Old 07-29-2012, 02:46 PM
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I wasn't rejected, it turned out no one wanted to date me.
#39
Old 07-29-2012, 03:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Covered_In_Bees! View Post
Smokers probably. Though left-handed is pretty bad too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thelurkinghorror View Post
...

Yeah Iggy, don't leave us hanging!...
Yeah, Covered_In_Bees got it. Just smoking. For me kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.

For all I know some of them might be left handed too. Oh! The horror!

Last edited by Iggy; 07-29-2012 at 03:45 PM.
#40
Old 07-31-2012, 12:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Loach View Post
I would love to have been able to screen the mentally ill out of my dating pool. It would have saved me from a divorce and I still would have had all the money I made.
Screening them out from people for whom it would be dealbreakers is fine. Screening them out as a matter of course just screams prejudice.

BTW, I'd say about 50% of the Dope are depressed, and yet a lot of them are in loving relationships. You even spoke to one quite recently.

Last edited by BigT; 07-31-2012 at 12:39 AM.
#41
Old 07-31-2012, 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Iggy View Post
Yeah, Covered_In_Bees got it. Just smoking. For me kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.

For all I know some of them might be left handed too. Oh! The horror!
I would thought that filtering out smoker/non-smoker candidates would have been a basic selection property. Or at least have a choice field that says smoker only/non-smoker only/don't care.
#42
Old 07-31-2012, 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Taomist View Post
I don't recall the exact phrasing, but every single one of was was rejected and at the time we got a very definite sense it was because we were not religious at all, in any way. Not even atheist.
Atheists are by definition not religious at all, in any way.

I took e-Harmony's questionnaire a few years back and was rejected. Then I heard about them rejecting atheists. Later I heard they rejected depressed people. As a depressed atheist, it could have been either one.
#43
Old 07-31-2012, 05:53 PM
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A few years ago, a site called Chemistry.com was explicitly advertising itself to people who had been rejected by eHarmony. No idea if it's still around.
#44
Old 07-31-2012, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by BwanaBob View Post
I would thought that filtering out smoker/non-smoker candidates would have been a basic selection property. Or at least have a choice field that says smoker only/non-smoker only/don't care.
They do. You say if you smoke not at all/a few times a month/a few times a week/every day, or something like that, and then you check which boxes you would accept in a match. They also do that for drinking and religion and self-assessed level of physical attractiveness, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Invisible Chimp View Post
I took e-Harmony's questionnaire a few years back and was rejected. Then I heard about them rejecting atheists. Later I heard they rejected depressed people. As a depressed atheist, it could have been either one.
I'm a depressed agnostic and I was accepted. So who knows. eHarmony works in mysterious ways.
#45
Old 08-01-2012, 11:54 AM
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I was accepted, I suppose and I kept getting all these emails about "Come back and check out all your magnificent MATCHES!"

And there was never a single match. Probably because I answered the questions as such to indicate that any mainstream Judeo-Christian religious beliefs whatsoever are an instant dealbreaker. I didn't actually expect to be matched up on a Christian singles site, in the deep South Bible Belt, but I just wanted to see if there were any other atheists using eH in my area.

And, apparently not.

So I went to OKCupid and have had much better luck. Haven't met the love of my life, but at least I've made some friends and am dating around a bit.
#46
Old 08-01-2012, 09:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John DiFool View Post
Confused. Are you (A) saying eHarmony is a hive for dominatrixes and guys in gimp masks, that (B) they assume, in a more typical relationship, that one of the two parties will be the one making all the decisions in said relationship, or that (C) you yourself subscribe to the worldview in (B). (A) would be ridiculous for a company with such a high profile; we've moved sufficiently out of the Dark Ages in this the year 2012 AD that many couples practice egalitarianism in relationships (eliminating (B)); which leaves (C), but I know you are more progressive than that.
I'm saying fundamentally the way most human relationships tend to work is that one person is dominant. This varies in degree - obviously not every relationship has someone wearing burqas and someone else getting beaten. But if you had to identify who was the one who was ultimately in charge in the relationship, you could do so in the vast majority of relationships. It's relatively uncommon as far as I can see for relationships to be truly equal.

Which isn't to say that anyone is necesarily oppressing anyone else - as I said, some people want to be the boss and some don't. And e-harmony is trying to figure out where you stand.
#47
Old 08-01-2012, 11:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SenorBeef View Post
I'm saying fundamentally the way most human relationships tend to work is that one person is dominant. This varies in degree - obviously not every relationship has someone wearing burqas and someone else getting beaten. But if you had to identify who was the one who was ultimately in charge in the relationship, you could do so in the vast majority of relationships. It's relatively uncommon as far as I can see for relationships to be truly equal.

Which isn't to say that anyone is necesarily oppressing anyone else - as I said, some people want to be the boss and some don't. And e-harmony is trying to figure out where you stand.
That sounds like a whole other thread in itself:

"Who's the Boss <in YOUR relationship>?"

Last edited by Taomist; 08-01-2012 at 11:35 PM.
#48
Old 08-02-2012, 02:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SenorBeef View Post
I'm saying fundamentally the way most human relationships tend to work is that one person is dominant. This varies in degree - obviously not every relationship has someone wearing burqas and someone else getting beaten. But if you had to identify who was the one who was ultimately in charge in the relationship, you could do so in the vast majority of relationships. It's relatively uncommon as far as I can see for relationships to be truly equal.

Which isn't to say that anyone is necesarily oppressing anyone else - as I said, some people want to be the boss and some don't. And e-harmony is trying to figure out where you stand.
If that is true, I would really like to know which one of us was which with the guy I met on there. We seemed to be very similar about that kind of thing.
#49
Old 08-02-2012, 04:05 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Valley Village, CA
Posts: 3,585
The rejection email I received stated that "no religious beliefs" goes against their requirement, or something along those lines.

Whattya expect from a southern baptist sponsor who isn't even a real therapist?
#50
Old 08-02-2012, 08:41 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Jacksonville, FL
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Taomist View Post
That sounds like a whole other thread in itself:

"Who's the Boss <in YOUR relationship>?"
Me too-I honestly thought that egalitarian relationships were the norm nowadays.
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