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#1
Old 06-22-2013, 06:39 PM
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Hemorrhoids are awful. Christ.

I'm a 36 y/o male. I've got a hemi the size of a babies big toe, I'm not sure if this counts as a big one or a small one. I've had it for a few days and it just changed from irritating to painful in the last 24 hrs. No idea really what to do with this fucking thing. I'm Tucksing it, Prep-H ing it etc... This morning it felt like it was retracting or whatever the fuck you call it when it goes back inside or dies or whatever, but tonight for some reason my ass is fucking me up like Tyler Durdin.

Any clenching of the ole balloon knot from pissing (you know, when you are squeezing the last of it out), yelling at the kids etc... results in a feeling like a bee sting in the "ring".

Kind of feels like having a goat head thorn stuck between my cheeks.

I was able to run today without any real pain, which is good because I haven't exercised in a week, but things are fucked up now. I've absorbed all of the horror stories online about blood clots turning this into a serious thing and people having one stick around for months. Ugh.

Last one was only around a weekish. I can't imagine having a whole stack of these things poking out.

Is a babies big toe sized hemi a "big" one, "small" one? I have no idea.
#2
Old 06-22-2013, 07:08 PM
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Go to the doctor and get it treated.
#3
Old 06-22-2013, 07:16 PM
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From what I've red there's really nothing they can do about it at the doctor that I'm not doing at home. Just gotta ride this bitch out I suppose.
#4
Old 06-22-2013, 07:25 PM
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When I was 13, I went on a road trip. Apparently my ass didn't appreciate me sitting for so long, and it decided to grow a giant hemorroid as punishment.

I was very embarrassed about this unexpected predicament. The pain was bad enough, but it was made worse because I wasn't brave enough to tell anyone about it. My sister walked in on me sitting miserably in the bathtub (thinking maybe a warm soak would help), and I broke down and told her. But I never said anything to a grown-up--someone who could have gotten me some relief.

I really wish I had. We went on a trip to the mountains while it was at its most painful. Instead of enjoying myself (which I would have most certainly done under normal circumstances), I spent the entire weekend trying not to cry out in pain. Every time someone says they're going to vacation in the mountains, I think of my butt being on fire.

Last edited by monstro; 06-22-2013 at 07:25 PM.
#5
Old 06-22-2013, 08:15 PM
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If the hemorrhoid is thrombosed (and it sounds like this is the case), the Doc could give you a shot of lidocaine and incise and drain it in a few seconds. You will be much, much happier much, much sooner.

There will always be a small bit of loose skin there no matter how this resolves itself that you should keep clean and dry, especially following a bowel movement. This loose skin can trap a bit of dirt and then become irritated throughout the day. I recommend wiping with baby oil gel or using any of the post BM products ('sani-wipes, baby wipes or whatnot) for continue butt maintenance.

But, really, there is no need to suffer while this (probably thromobesed clot) resolves. If you can see it and it is an angry red or purple, or feel it and it is hard, do yourself a favor and have it treated. Call the nurse line phone number on your insurance card. She may give you permission to go to the ER and have it done quickly and easily.

Last edited by Ca3799; 06-22-2013 at 08:17 PM.
#6
Old 06-22-2013, 08:22 PM
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I have had problems with this in the past myself. The first time, I was convinced I had cancer. My relief that it wasn't cancer was so great that it made the condition seem not so bad after all.
#7
Old 06-22-2013, 08:27 PM
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Tucks are kinda spendy if you need to use them all the time. I get flushable wipes and add some witch hazel to them. That is the active ingredients in Tucks. Use a wipe every time you go to keep the area clean.

I hope your butt gets better soon!
#8
Old 06-22-2013, 08:35 PM
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How do I know if this thing is thrombosed or not? It's not excruciating or anything. Just stingy and irritating. It's somewhat hard.
#9
Old 06-22-2013, 09:02 PM
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That's why they pay doctors the big bucks. They can recognize a thrombosed 'roid, and they have a much better view of it than you do. Hie thee to the doc and get it taken care of.
#10
Old 06-22-2013, 09:05 PM
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When my ass was just killing me my doc said to fill the bath a few inches deep with water as hot as you can possibly stand it and sit in it for 10 min twice a day.
Worked a charm for me but I had what he called a fissure.
#11
Old 06-23-2013, 01:27 AM
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There are three common situations where I can turn a patient's pain level from a 10 to a 1 in a few seconds. One is by slipping a catheter into an overengorged yet obstructed bladder, the second is by burning thru a nail to release a hematoma, and the last is by lancing a thrombosed 'roid'.
#12
Old 06-23-2013, 02:27 AM
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Gives a whole knew meaning to the term 'roid rage.
#13
Old 06-23-2013, 03:26 AM
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OP sounds butthurt.

ETA: Mind you, I too have had haemorrhoids and they're a pain in the ass.

Last edited by Malacandra; 06-23-2013 at 03:27 AM.
#14
Old 06-23-2013, 12:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Malacandra View Post
OP sounds butthurt.
Beat me to it.

Had a serious case myself, many years ago while in the Army. They gave me some suppositories to use, and felt that I needed to be told to take off the foil before using them. For all the good they did, though, I might as well just shoved them up my ass.
#15
Old 06-23-2013, 09:29 PM
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Had to have one lanced and drained a few years ago. A rather uncomfortable office visit, but the relief was instantaneous.

Get it done and put this whole episode behind you. (Couldn't resist)
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#16
Old 06-23-2013, 09:45 PM
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Understand that hemorrhoids can be horribly painful and not thrombosed, so not all pains in the rear are treatable by surgery.
#17
Old 06-23-2013, 09:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan View Post
Understand that hemorrhoids can be horribly painful and not thrombosed, so not all pains in the rear are treatable by surgery.
What's your take on the hot-as-shit sit down in the bath method?
For me it was 5 minutes of agony and hours of relief after.
#18
Old 06-23-2013, 10:07 PM
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Originally Posted by zoid View Post
What's your take on the hot-as-shit sit down in the bath method?
For me it was 5 minutes of agony and hours of relief after.
Go with whatever works for you. Frankly, cool compresses usually do more to reduce swelling, but for some folks, heat helps reduce discomfort. Neither will do harm if the temps used are reasonable.

Best rx for non-thrombosed hemorrhoid pain, after a good cleansing and drying would be to smear some viscous xylocaine jelly down there to numb it up.

Also, fiber to increase transit time and avoid straining at stool. Prep H or witch hazel to shrink tissues also.

Oh, and avoid spicy foods too. They burn all mucus membrane tissues, at both ends.
#19
Old 06-23-2013, 10:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan View Post
There are three common situations where I can turn a patient's pain level from a 10 to a 1 in a few seconds. One is by slipping a catheter into an overengorged yet obstructed bladder, the second is by burning thru a nail to release a hematoma, and the last is by lancing a thrombosed 'roid'.
When I feel the need to ill-wish a person, I express a desire that they get thrombosed hemorrhoids, followed by surgery to remove them, and then that they get the roids AGAIN.
#20
Old 06-23-2013, 11:38 PM
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Mine turned out to not be thrombosed. Doc said it's good sized though and prescribed me some sort of numbing cream. Bought a sitz bath for the can so I don't need to deal with the dam bath tub. Seems to be helping. In fact laying in bed right now I think the thing may have just headed back inside a bit ago as clinching doesn't hurt now.
#21
Old 06-23-2013, 11:45 PM
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So which is a greater pain in the ass . . . his hemorrhoid or his being a Cubs fan?
#22
Old 06-24-2013, 10:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cubsfan View Post
I'm a 36 y/o male. I've got a hemi the size of a babies big toe, I'm not sure if this counts as a big one or a small one. I've had it for a few days and it just changed from irritating to painful in the last 24 hrs. No idea really what to do with this fucking thing. I'm Tucksing it, Prep-H ing it etc... This morning it felt like it was retracting or whatever the fuck you call it when it goes back inside or dies or whatever, but tonight for some reason my ass is fucking me up like Tyler Durdin.

Any clenching of the ole balloon knot from pissing (you know, when you are squeezing the last of it out), yelling at the kids etc... results in a feeling like a bee sting in the "ring".

Kind of feels like having a goat head thorn stuck between my cheeks.

I was able to run today without any real pain, which is good because I haven't exercised in a week, but things are fucked up now. I've absorbed all of the horror stories online about blood clots turning this into a serious thing and people having one stick around for months. Ugh.

Last one was only around a weekish. I can't imagine having a whole stack of these things poking out.

Is a babies big toe sized hemi a "big" one, "small" one? I have no idea.

I had a bad one once. Went to the doctor, hands and knees on the floor, snip,snip. no problem. Or, rubber bands, either way will do it.

prep H will give you some comfort in the meanwhile.
#23
Old 06-24-2013, 10:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan View Post
There are three common situations where I can turn a patient's pain level from a 10 to a 1 in a few seconds. One is by slipping a catheter into an overengorged yet obstructed bladder, the second is by burning thru a nail to release a hematoma, and the last is by lancing a thrombosed 'roid'.
I'll take what's behind door #2.
#24
Old 06-24-2013, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Annie-Xmas View Post
I'll take what's behind door #2.
I'll bring the red hot cautery!
#25
Old 06-24-2013, 11:27 AM
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A hot bath and leaving it the hell alone always worked for me.
#26
Old 06-24-2013, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by hotflungwok View Post
A hot bath and leaving it the hell alone always worked for me.
But pooping isn't leaving it alone.

Not that I advocate a refrain from defecation. Au contraire, I recommend smart stooling.
#27
Old 06-24-2013, 12:15 PM
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Never had the 'rrhoids, but after experiencing bathroom etiquette/mechanics in the Middle East (Bahrain) during my time in the Navy, I made a modification to my bathroom at home: installed a bidet attachment (sprayer hose). No more toilet paper for me- just a nice, refreshing jet of water that cleans the area with no friction.

I highly, highly recommend it.
#28
Old 06-24-2013, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by iiandyiiii View Post
installed a bidet attachment (sprayer hose). No more toilet paper for me- just a nice, refreshing jet of water that cleans the area with no friction.
All part of my smart stooling program!
#29
Old 06-24-2013, 12:39 PM
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My gastroenterologist said if they cause significant pain they should always be checked out. I had one that didn't go away (my first and only, knocking on wood) and he gave me some suppositories that took care of it in a couple of weeks.
#30
Old 06-24-2013, 12:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan View Post
But pooping isn't leaving it alone.
No of course not, but that's necessary. I mean don't touch it when you dont have to. It's a natural thing to want to try to fix things that hurt, and the more you bother it the worse it gets.

Another thing, I tried a dozen different hemorrhoid cremes, and none of them did a damn thing. Several hot baths per day, and leaving it the hell alone is the only thing I found that helped. It's not good news to hear when you're trying to sleep and it feels like someone just pounded a red hot nail into your ass, but it actually helps.
#31
Old 06-24-2013, 02:16 PM
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Hemorrhoids are about the only over-50 affliction I haven't experienced yet, knock on wood. I expect them any day now, though, just to fill out the trifecta of hairy ears and problematic urination.
#32
Old 06-24-2013, 02:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan View Post
. Au contraire, I recommend smart stooling.
Graduate Stool?
#33
Old 06-24-2013, 02:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan View Post
All part of my smart stooling program!
don't stop there QTM, might as well spell out the whole program.

and if you have advice on how to avoid getting them in the first place, that would be excellent.


Quote:
Graduate Stool?
gah!

Last edited by JackieLikesVariety; 06-24-2013 at 02:59 PM.
#34
Old 06-24-2013, 03:04 PM
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Well how about?

Law Stool

Medical Stool

Engineering Stool

Cosmetology Stool

Art Stool
#35
Old 06-24-2013, 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by JackieLikesVariety View Post
don't stop there QTM, might as well spell out the whole program.

and if you have advice on how to avoid getting them in the first place, that would be excellent.
IANQTM, IANAD, but fiber (either as part of a healthy diet or as fiber therapy) and even mild regular exercise can help prevent constipation and straining at the stool. Straining should be avoided.
#36
Old 06-24-2013, 03:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qadgop the Mercotan View Post
There are three common situations where I can turn a patient's pain level from a 10 to a 1 in a few seconds. One is by slipping a catheter into an overengorged yet obstructed bladder, the second is by burning thru a nail to release a hematoma, and the last is by lancing a thrombosed 'roid'.
Yup. I never had one lanced, because I always tried to tough it out for a few days before going to the doctor. Dumb move - they'll only lance a thrombosed one if it's been clotted for LESS THAN three days.

T-fucking-MI:

SPOILER:

After one particularly painful episode, resulting in a trip to the ER with me screaming in agony, crying, and freaking my wife the hell out, I got myself a scrip for Oxycodone and finally made an appointment with a proctologist.

Luckily, I was right on the border between being a good candidate for rubber band ligation and being a potential candidate for traditional hemorrhoidectomy. Trust me - you DO NOT want to get a hemorrhoidectomy. The recovery is three weeks to a month and a half, most of which is screaming agony with maxi pads in your buttcrack.

I took the rubber band ligation route instead. I had three procedures over three months. Each resulted in a day or two of discomfort, but it was well worth it. My sphincter won't win any beauty contests any more, but the results were life changing.


Cubsfan, assuming this one goes away on its own after a couple of weeks, you should seriously address your fiber intake. If another one pops up, don't even bother seeing your GP - get in to see a proctologist ASAP. It's better to catch that shit early. And if you get the feeling that somebody's shoving barbed knitting needles into your starfish, get to the ER and either get it lanced or get some pain meds.
#37
Old 06-24-2013, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by billfish678 View Post
Well how about?

Law Stool

Medical Stool

Engineering Stool

Cosmetology Stool

Art Stool
Charm stool?
#38
Old 06-24-2013, 04:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billfish678 View Post
Well how about?

Law Stool

Medical Stool

Engineering Stool

Cosmetology Stool

Art Stool
Stool's in?

Stool girl outfit?

Ring the Stool Bell?

Ima Stool you sucker?

Stool's Out For the Summer?

Yeah I dont see it catching on.
#39
Old 06-24-2013, 05:02 PM
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I had a thrombosed hemorrhoid when I was 8 months pregnant (size of a brazil nut, literally). Horrible pain, worst part of pregnancy (including delivery). I had heard that pregnant ladies got hemorrhoids so I thought I was being a big baby. The pain was so bad, I called in sick, and sat on one butt cheek for a full day. I did tucks, I did prep H, I did sitz baths, I did hot water baths, nothing helped.

Finally went to the doctor - very cute, young, perfect hair, clothes, nails, named Dr. Smelit (can not make this stuff up, people). I was horribly embarassed but in such terrible agony. She confirmed it was thrombosed and the moment she injected the lidocaine was the first pain-free moment in 2 days. Bliss.

She was a HOOT, obviously one of those people who loved squeezing things, kept making comments like "oooh, that's a big clot." I use humor when I'm embarassed so I kept saying inane comments like "I bet you never pictured glamor like this in med school!"

After the lidocaine wore off that afternoon, the pain returned and I nearly cried, thinking I had made things worse, but by evening I felt better and by the next day, it was completely gone and I felt amazing. Well worth a doctor's visit.
#40
Old 06-24-2013, 05:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silenus View Post
That's why they pay doctors the big bucks. They can recognize a thrombosed 'roid, and they have a much better view of it than you do. Hie thee to the doc and get it taken care of.
True, unless you are a contortionist, it is rather difficult looking at one's own starfish ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by zoid View Post
When my ass was just killing me my doc said to fill the bath a few inches deep with water as hot as you can possibly stand it and sit in it for 10 min twice a day.
Worked a charm for me but I had what he called a fissure.
Can't resist - Bob the Anal Fissure
Quote:
Originally Posted by iiandyiiii View Post
Never had the 'rrhoids, but after experiencing bathroom etiquette/mechanics in the Middle East (Bahrain) during my time in the Navy, I made a modification to my bathroom at home: installed a bidet attachment (sprayer hose). No more toilet paper for me- just a nice, refreshing jet of water that cleans the area with no friction.

I highly, highly recommend it.
I absolutely love bidets - I just wish we could convince the rest of the US to love and use them. Though the Japanese have some seriously peculiar bidet toilets...
#41
Old 06-24-2013, 07:08 PM
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Just wait until they give you a fistula, like mine did.

Kid, think fiber, fiber fiber. Dietary fiber will ease your burdens. And stay the hell away from over the counter stuff with Witch-hazel. Trust me, I been there, and you'll regret it in the long run.
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#42
Old 06-24-2013, 07:52 PM
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I've spent time over the last year occasionally dealing with My First Hemorrhoid. It took some time to figure out what was going on because it just wasn't getting better. What I learned for me:

The wet wipe things (charmin, specifically for me) don't help. In fact, they made things worse.

Having to wait to poop is a Bad Thing for me. When I need to poop, I go (assuming, of course, that I'm somewhere with facilities)

Cold and Advil when necessary - once I tried the cold, Advil use became much less often.

Now, I go with lots of fiber, lots of water and I make sure I exercise because it does help, and it seems to be under control, at least lately. The fiber increase seemed to make things worse for a little while, but now it's much better.
#43
Old 06-24-2013, 08:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by panache45 View Post
So which is a greater pain in the ass . . . his hemorrhoid or his being a Cubs fan?
On the other hand, if he painted it blue & touched his toes, he wouldn't have to buy one of those foam "we're number one" fingers all season.
#44
Old 06-24-2013, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Count Blucher View Post
On the other hand, if he painted it blue & touched his toes, he wouldn't have to buy one of those foam "we're number one" fingers all season.
LMAO Count. You are sick. I like that.
#45
Old 06-24-2013, 11:22 PM
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Well since we’re doing jokes…

A guy walks into the doctor’s office with a scorching case of hemorrhoids.

The doctor examines him, gives him a handful of suppositories and tells him to take these and if he’s not better after a week, he should come back in.

A week passes by and the guy is back in the doctor’s office. He says to the doctor, “Not only are the hemorrhoids still there, this is the worst tasting medication I’ve ever had.”

The doctor looks at him and says, “You do realize suppositories are not meant to be swallowed.”

And the guy says to the doctor, “What do you want me to do? Shove them up my ass?”


Don’t forget to tip your servers!
#46
Old 06-25-2013, 01:14 AM
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Ive heard or read somewhere that hemmoroids are primarily a Western phenomenon because its healthier to squat than to sit when doing a #2 (ie we might laugh at traditional Chinese toilets, but you dont see very many Chinese bow-legged and gritting their teeth in pain when they walk)
#47
Old 06-25-2013, 08:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cubsfan View Post
I'm a 36 y/o male. I've got a hemi the size of a babies big toe, I'm not sure if this counts as a big one or a small one. I've had it for a few days and it just changed from irritating to painful in the last 24 hrs. No idea really what to do with this fucking thing. I'm Tucksing it, Prep-H ing it etc... This morning it felt like it was retracting or whatever the fuck you call it when it goes back inside or dies or whatever, but tonight for some reason my ass is fucking me up like Tyler Durdin.

Any clenching of the ole balloon knot from pissing (you know, when you are squeezing the last of it out), yelling at the kids etc... results in a feeling like a bee sting in the "ring".

Kind of feels like having a goat head thorn stuck between my cheeks.

I was able to run today without any real pain, which is good because I haven't exercised in a week, but things are fucked up now. I've absorbed all of the horror stories online about blood clots turning this into a serious thing and people having one stick around for months. Ugh.

Last one was only around a weekish. I can't imagine having a whole stack of these things poking out.

Is a babies big toe sized hemi a "big" one, "small" one? I have no idea.
I get them from time to time and they can be Very Annoying! I've always "ridden them out," as opposed to going to a Dr.. Sometimes it takes a couple of days, and other times they've lasted a couple of weeks. Whenever they happen, I take a lot of sitz baths, followed by drying off completely and then applying a wad of toilet paper soaked with witch hazel for about 10-15 minutes, and then drying off completely again. I eat a lot of high fiber foods during an onset, and avoid fat, especially red meat, and try not to overindulge in alcohol. If you google "hemorrhoid diet" you get great information on this. The beauty of google is that I don't have to memorize it, but just go back and re-google it. It's a good idea to always eat a lot of fiber; I've been pretty vigilant about this, and maybe there's a causality, not sure, but I haven't seen the big H in a while! Knock on Wood. Good luck!
#48
Old 06-25-2013, 11:39 AM
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Originally Posted by billfish678 View Post
Engineering Stool
That's where they work it out with a slide rule.
#49
Old 06-25-2013, 01:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Siam Sam View Post
That's where they work it out with a slide rule.
Whereas at math stool they work it out with a pencil.

Or, in extreme cases, use natural logs.
#50
Old 06-25-2013, 01:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Malacandra View Post
Whereas at math stool they work it out with a pencil.

Or, in extreme cases, use natural logs.
What do they do at a chemistry stool? Or an electrical engineering stool?
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