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dragongirl
05-09-2002, 01:43 PM
I always thought my dad liked me, but lately things are starting to show up indicating that he really might not.

He married my mother, because he felt pressured into it. She went crazy and made life miserable for a long time until they divorced just a few years ago.

When i was little, he used to take me out for breakfast every Saturday morning. It was one of my best memories. But this weekend when I saw him, he said, he just took me out on the weekends because my mother was hungover.

My husband and I went to help him remove trees from his yard on Sunday. When my husband was finished with the trees, my dad slipped him twenty dollars and told my husband not to tell me about it, because I was so cheep and I would be taking away his money. I am cheep, but I don't think telling my husband I need to borrow two dollars for milk is taking money away from him.

My dad remarried a very nice lady who has two teenaged children. He's very affectionate with them, he was never that way with me. He buys them nice things, lends them money and he's always willing to talk to them. Back when I lived there, if I tried to talk to him about my feelings, his response was always " Don't worry about it"

I'm all grown up now, I haven't been living there for 12 years now, and I know I sound like a whiny baby, but I really don't think he ever wanted me. My husband also sees it.

It's kind of hard to accept that.:(

Eve
05-09-2002, 01:56 PM
The heck with whether he likes you or notódo you like him? If not, the hell with him.

Gazelle
05-09-2002, 02:32 PM
I love Eve's practical advice. And I second it.

Big hugs dragongirl

Flamsterette_X
05-09-2002, 02:42 PM
Does it really matter whether you have his approval? I know that there's an inner child in each of us somewhere that really wants parental approval, but sometimes you just don't get it, no matter how hard you might try.

It would be nice if he liked you, but since he apparently doesn't, there's nothing you can do to make him like you. Do you like him, though? If not, then consign him to hell!

bup
05-09-2002, 02:52 PM
I'm sorry, dragongirl. As far as I'm concerned, having your parents like you should be a birthright. Your parents are supposed to think you're good at everything.

If you perceive your father doesn't like you, of course it's hard to accept.

You remind me to make an effort all my life to like my kids for who they are, and let them know I like them.

alice_in_wonderland
05-09-2002, 02:59 PM
This is just a thought, but you probably remind him of your mother. (Maybe in looks, build, mannerisms, if not necessarily personality). It sure sounds like he's got some unresolved issues surrounding their relationship, which it sounds like he's taking out on you.

This is really too bad, but as the previous posters have said, there's not too much you can do about it. He may be your dad, but he's also just a person, and sometimes people do really obnoxious, jerky things.

Hang in there.

Al. :)

wring
05-09-2002, 03:11 PM
I've come to the understanding that some people just aren't good at certain stuff.

My son's father, for example, told me once (direct quote) "Tell Ben that the reason I haven't been calling him lately is 'cause it's long distance and I'm trying to make only the really important calls".

My own father isn't much better, and we get along fine as long as we discuss things like the weather, his health, um, the weather, and as long as we don't spend more than a few hours in each other's company. Do I wish we had the Hallmark variety relationships that I see on CBS family dramas? sometimes, sure. I also wish I were a bit taller.

when I hear tales like yours, instead of assuming that the person intended disrespect or dislike, I assume they're really shitty at communicating their thoughts w/o hurting the other people.

what this does is free you up from taking anything he says personally. Take what you want from the relationship (as in 'do you want to see him' if so, fine, if not gee, you can be really busy) . Build other more satisfying relationships with other people (sounds like you have), laugh at the foibles.

My siblings and I often joke about sending a sympathy card to the state dad moved to, make references to his warm and fuzzy nature, and when we heard that the medication his doctor was putting him on would make him a bit cranky, we all three said in unison "and how are we supposed to tell?"

It's not a perfect solution, but I no longer mentally beat myself up either for some perceived defect my dad finds or for disappointing him. And, I work to make sure that my child and I have a better relationship than that.

Eats_Crayons
05-09-2002, 04:28 PM
I came to the conclusion at a young age that "biology" does not necessarily mean "family". Often they go together, sometimes they do not. Biological ties can be strong bonds, but sometimes people just never connect with you. Through no fault of your own, they just can't relate.

jlzania
05-09-2002, 04:48 PM
You know, dragongirl, I don't think my father liked me much either.
I spent a serious portion of my childhood jumping through giant hoops trying to please him.
I spent a ridiculous amount of time in my adolescent and (young) adulthood rebelling against him.
Anyway you look at it, I wasted far too much time reacting to him.
My revelation came when I realized what Eve so succinctly said.
It didn't matter if he liked me-what mattered was that I didn't like him. I loved him because he was my father but he sure wasn't my first choice as a dinner companion.

handy
05-09-2002, 05:41 PM
Its easy to be a father, it takes someone special to be a dad.

If he can't see what a fine daughter you are, that's his loss.

Siege
05-09-2002, 07:22 PM
What jlzania said applies to me, too. One of the things I've been trying to reconcile myself to is that, even though I at least know my father does love me, he can be quite emotionally abusive towards me, and I have some very nasty scars to show for it.

Dragongirl, please listen to this woman dragon and friend of dragons when I tell you that it seems we are required to hatch from the most unlikely of eggs. Spread your wings, be who you are, and rejoice in your Family Of Choice, whoever they may be. It's ok to miss the love of your father, but remember there are others who love you. I'm trying to learn that lesson myself.

{{{dragon girl}}}
(and when dragons hug, that includes wings!!!)
CJ
Who's honored to hang out with you FOCers.

Essured
05-09-2002, 08:24 PM
Originally posted by Charmian
I came to the conclusion at a young age that "biology" does not necessarily mean "family". Often they go together, sometimes they do not. Biological ties can be strong bonds, but sometimes people just never connect with you. Through no fault of your own, they just can't relate.

Charmian, that paragraph explains my life perfectly. I wish I could've reached that conclusion at a younger age and saved myself a hell of a lot of pain. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words, and letting me know it's not all my fault.

Sorry for the hijack, Dragongirl. Lean on your husband and friends, who love you for who you are. Good luck.

Hugh Jass
05-09-2002, 08:38 PM
I'd like to second the people who say he may just be lousy at communicating. My best friend just had her first child. Her father hasn't even mentioned that he'd like to come see the child (his first grandchild). When told he was a grandpa, he said "Okay, thanks." But I've seen him talk about her, and I can tell he thinks she's the greatest thing in the world. For some reason, he can't tell her.

There must be a reason you have those good memories of that time with your Dad. If it was just an obligation or something, you would have known on another level.

My mom has never told me she loves me. But I know she does with the other things she does.

If your Dad didn't care about you, he wouldn't care about if you saw your mom hungover. He wouldn't have a relationship with you now.

It's totally reasonable to want these things from your Dad, but he might not be able to give them. But I bet he loves you. I bet he likes you. I bet he talks to other people about you.

LolaBaby
05-10-2002, 05:11 PM
I agree with everyone else. Some people have a hard time expressing different things with different people. I know it sounds weird cause you say he's affectionate with the teenagers, but I believe he loves you. I'm sorry, I'm not very good at explaining these things at all, but I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you to hang in there.

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