View Full Version : Inappropriate things to write in a birthday card.

Siddhartha Vicious
09-24-2004, 12:10 PM
Recently, my boss had a birthday, and our office gave him a card that we had all signed. Clever me, I wrote "You still have the heart of a young boy. I saw it in a jar in your desk."*

Now, it's my secretary's birthday, and another card is making the rounds for everyone to sign. I will likely write something dull, but I started thinking of horribly inappropriate things to write in a card. The only one that sprang to mind was the terribly unfunny "Happy B-day, B-iatch!."

Can y'all think of any? I'm not going to use any. I do like my secretary. I just thought it might be fun.

* I stole that from someone, but I don't remember who.

Hal Briston
09-24-2004, 12:14 PM
"Happy Birthday, <name>! I'm very happy you have a position on my staff. wink wink"

Happy Lendervedder
09-24-2004, 12:21 PM
"Happy Birthday. Wanna screw?"

Uvula Donor
09-24-2004, 12:25 PM
"Happy Birthday! I wanted to get you a gift that really expressed how I feel about you, but the drugstore was all out of douchebags."

09-24-2004, 12:26 PM


09-24-2004, 12:27 PM
<This message censored by the Human Resources Sexual Harrassment committee>

09-24-2004, 12:29 PM
Happy Birthday! Remember, you're only as old as you look.....


09-24-2004, 12:38 PM
Rest assured, your dresses have never made your ass look big.

09-24-2004, 12:41 PM
When I found out how old you were, I was shocked! I thought you were ten years older!

09-24-2004, 12:42 PM
Enjoy this one, because it's scientifically impossible to have too many more.

09-24-2004, 12:44 PM
I'm loving all of these (definitely recommend Casey's ... but I hope to Og she's got a sense of humor! :)

09-24-2004, 01:00 PM
"Happy Birthday, <name>! I'm very happy you have a position on my staff. wink wink"

It's a paraphrased Robert Bloch

09-24-2004, 01:02 PM
:smack: Whoops, wrong post. I meant to reply to the OP......Sorry Hal...

09-24-2004, 01:08 PM
"Wow, you're really getting up there!"

09-24-2004, 01:14 PM
Do a PSA, NBC style:

"The only two birthday celebrations mentioned in the Bible both ended with a beheading. Just thought you should know."

And then draw a little cartoon of a corpseless head.

Good times.

(why yes, I have talked with the JWs before... :p )

Bippy the Beardless
09-24-2004, 03:32 PM
Don't worry if birthdays get you depressed, at your age you won't have many more birthdays to worry about.

09-24-2004, 03:34 PM
"Looks like I lost the Death Pool for you again this year."

09-24-2004, 03:38 PM

Heh. Thats what I was gonna say...

09-24-2004, 03:46 PM
"For your birthday, we all chipped in to save you a spot at Shady Pines Nursing Home. It's never to early to start planning!"

As for the OP, I believe that line was said by Stephen King.

Larry Mudd
09-24-2004, 04:22 PM
Actual text from the last birthday card I gave out, to the woman I habitually sleep with. (You must understand that it followed a full week of increasingly petulant hints that she expected poetry in her card.)Oh my God, you're fifty-four-
So here's your card, ya ol' fat whore.
You may be right, and I'm a meanie,
but when push comes t'shove,
Larry's nice to Jeannie.Surprisingly, it went over really well. Well, maybe not so surprisingly. Same woman. (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?t=261985) I'm beginning to think if I really want out I'm going to have to be more assertive. Argh. Being a jerk doesn't come as easily to me as you might think, from these two examples.

Larry Mudd
09-24-2004, 04:24 PM
As for the OP, I believe that line was said by Stephen King.Gahan Wilson used it first.

09-24-2004, 04:43 PM
Next time let a few people know your age. We almost cut you in half to count the rings.

09-24-2004, 04:47 PM
(If she has theatrical aspirations) "You definitely have a future on the stage! And the next one leaves in fifteen minutes!"

Yes, I know the stagecoach is an outmoded mode of transportation. The line's still funny.

Don Draper
09-24-2004, 05:28 PM
Well, if she's your secretary, you might write something along the lines of (feel free to customize this):

1. cancel my appointmenst for today,
2. pick up my dry cleaning
3. get my some coffee!

(your name)

09-24-2004, 06:18 PM
Hey, Sweet-tits:

Sorry about the herpes, but at least you got something from me this year!!!

Love, Your Boss.

09-24-2004, 06:42 PM
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

09-24-2004, 07:18 PM
Lookin' good at your age. It's a shame you'll never be as good in bed as your sister.

How much is that in dog years?

When they made you, they broke the mold. Rumor has it they beat the hell out of the moldmaker, too.

I was going to get you some lingere, but they didn't have any Depends at Victoria's Secret.

When I see your face, I think of birds. Mostly swallows.

Larry Mudd
09-24-2004, 07:38 PM
When they made you, they broke the mold. Rumor has it they beat the hell out of the moldmaker, too.Alternately, "After you were born, they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back." (Paraphrased from Emo Phillips.)

09-24-2004, 07:43 PM
"Happy Birthday. Sorry about what happened to your sister. FWIW, I told that interfering girl, and her little dog, you just went on vacation. ;) "

09-24-2004, 11:10 PM
Considering the OP's name:

Happy Birthday!

I'm alive, she's dead, I'm yours!

09-25-2004, 04:52 AM
"Here's to several more!"

09-25-2004, 12:52 PM
"Would you show me the birthday card the White House sent you?" (they send those to people over the age of 80).

"Next year you'll have to write your age in scientific notation".

"Congratulations !!! I've heard the Guiness Book was inquiring about your age !!!"

09-25-2004, 03:23 PM
"Lucky for you, it's better to feel young than to look young."

"Just remember, you're not getting better, you're getting older."

"At your age, you're probably relieved your husband's sleeping around."

09-25-2004, 03:34 PM
"::runs nekkid thru card::"

one trick pony? ME?

09-26-2004, 07:59 AM
Memo to Frank:

Did you give Bill the AS-49 to sign yesterday?


p.s. Happy Birthday Alice.

09-26-2004, 08:08 AM
My wedding card from one friend read:

Happy wedding you pair of c*nts.

I've another friend who often writes:

i never liked you anyway

Particularly effective in going-away cards.

09-26-2004, 11:44 AM
So.... you legal yet?

Hey, you guys are all assuming she's old!

09-26-2004, 12:33 PM
Never write anything in a birthday card for someone at work that you don't want to come back and haunt you down the road.

Wesley Clark
09-26-2004, 12:51 PM
I wanted to buy you a present so on thursday when you went to lunch and left your keys at your desk I left work, snuck into your apartment and looked around trying to find out what kind of things you'd need. I couldn't think of anything (nice underwear drawer btw) I thought you'd like so I just bought you 30 lbs of baby oil and some blank videocassettes.

09-26-2004, 01:14 PM
"AARP called, they said you're legit now!"

"Wow, you must have gone to Dick Clarks' hairstylist!"

"I always thought of you as a Captain Kirk: "Boldly going where no geriatric has gone before. . ."

That's all I got.

09-26-2004, 01:23 PM
Happy Birthday to the loveliest, smartest, best-dressed secretary in the entire office. This must be your 18th birthday, right ?
Sincerely - Eddie Haskell

Sunshine and Smiles
09-26-2004, 01:54 PM
WHoreAssPissPissYam BitchRaTWHoreDAmnYam!

Hey, the idea is funny. The execution, maybe not so much.

09-26-2004, 09:51 PM
"Happy birthday—may you meet death on your feet, with blood-slicked Steel in thy grip. Let the foundations of Valhalla tremble with the approach of your footsteps!"

09-27-2004, 07:59 AM
I was quite pleased with an effort for a 50th birthday card...

'don't think of 50 as being old......

....if you were a tortoise you wouldn't even have reached middle age yet!'

09-27-2004, 08:55 AM
What I almost put in a card for my sister last year:

"Bitch, why aren't you dead yet?"

09-27-2004, 10:05 AM
"There are so few women who swallow, these days."

"Happy Birthday to a woman who REALLY appreciates a fine bottle of Boone's Farm."

"I left a twenty on your nightstand."

"I don't know why women your age even bother to bleach their facial hair."

If none of these are inappropriate enough, just get a two-line rubber stamp

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ___________

Siddhartha Vicious

09-27-2004, 04:07 PM
"I'm not saying that you're old, I'm just saying that somewhere in an attic there's a portrait of you that's getting really young."

Miss Magic8ball
09-29-2004, 09:29 PM
"::runs nekkid thru card::"

one trick pony? ME?

...and yet, it NEVER gets old...

09-29-2004, 10:19 PM
Happy birthday to you. (You, you, you. Why is everything always about you?)

09-29-2004, 10:30 PM
"Birthdays are like poison cupcakes. You can only have so many before you're dead" -- Rob Fairchild

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