View Full Version : Make my birthday. Give me rauncy limericks and haikus!

Kitchen Wench
12-28-2004, 04:38 PM
Thirty years ago today, the world was cursed with my presence. I've been uber stressed and kinda down for a while due to some family/financial crap going on, plus I have a (warning:TMI)
FUCKING HEMORRHOID! I guess that's my body's way of wishing me a happy 30th.

Anyway, I'm turning to my fellow Dopers for a laugh, pick me up, good tidings... Whatever ya got. My birthday wish (if I had a cake and candles) would be to recieve these sentiments in my favorite formats: Limericks and haikus! I don't even mind if you use my anatomical misfortune as fodder. :D They say laughter is the best medicine, you know. Just don't make me laugh so hard it puts pressure on my tender bits!

Here's a limerick I made up all by myself:

An old maid of Blaydon-On-Tyne
Whose looks were far past their prime
Had suitors for miles,
With satisfied smiles
For her pussy was something divine

Kitchen Wench
12-28-2004, 04:42 PM
Jesus christ, would you look at all those spelling errors! Apparently, my age is making a difference in my written communication. Please disregard the mistakes.

12-28-2004, 04:44 PM
There once was a poster named Seeker
who thought that the future was bliquer
When asked why this was
Seek said "It's because
I've got a sore on my butt-cheek(er)"

Kitchen Wench
12-28-2004, 04:45 PM
Very cute... and fast! Thank you

12-28-2004, 05:11 PM
Thirty-one years old, hooray!
With a bum throbbing in pain :eek:
Hope I get Tucks Pads
And salt for sitz baths
When opening gifts today.

Kitchen Wench
12-28-2004, 05:20 PM
Thirty-one years old, hooray!
With a bum throbbing in pain :eek:
Hope I get Tucks Pads
And salt for sitz baths
When opening gifts today.

I'M THIRTY, DAMMIT! Jeez, let me get used to that number for a while before you go makin' me any older! ;)

By the way, I've already done 2 sitz baths with salts and used my witch hazel pads today. my ass still hurts though :(

12-28-2004, 05:26 PM
Pssst ... you do know that you can see the spoiler in the mouse-over thingie, don't ya? Alrighty then.

I'm not good at limericks. I got as far as "There once was a Doper named Seeker."

12-28-2004, 05:27 PM
So the leaf withers
And falls to the stony ground
Hemorrhoids will throb.

12-28-2004, 05:31 PM
To Doper Seeker74
I can take your whining no more
You can leave with a shout,
And on your way out
Don't hit your ass with the door

12-28-2004, 05:36 PM
Pulsing haemerhoids,
Firmly entrenched in Seeker;
Between the arse cheeks.

The Scrivener
12-28-2004, 05:42 PM
I like your spirit. Happy B-day! :)

The birthday girl, though in pain, was stoic,
And in her positive good cheer, heroic:
"I'm now over-the-hill,
So insult me at-will,"
Thus daring Dopers to roast hemorrhoic.

There once was a 30-year-old lass,
Who sat far too long on her ass,
With predictable results.
Now, with solicited insults,
The lass is doubtless em-bar-assed.

Kitchen Wench
12-28-2004, 05:48 PM
Annie-Xmas of Doper fame
With her words she so tries to mame
she speaks of my 'rhoidal
to get me annoyed-al
The ass/door "crack" is just lame

I'm being purely funny here. ;)

Kitchen Wench
12-28-2004, 05:56 PM
Hole, inflamed and red
Someone lend me a toothbrush
I must scratch it now

12-28-2004, 06:55 PM
Another birthday dismays every thinker
Every panther grows greyer, not pinker
But do not despair
over changes in hair
while you've got throbbing veins in your sphincter.

Kitchen Wench
12-28-2004, 07:10 PM
I got a cake!!! Yay! My best friend showed up unexpectedly with a Boston Cream Pie and a $50 gift card for Wally World. A few minutes later, Mom dropped by with a card, a check, two magnets to add to my fridge collection and...

Preperation H Cooling Gel! Double Yay! I love my mom. After 30 years, she's still making sure my bung hole is happy. (I think she's trying to make up for all those times she stuck a rectal thermometer up me bum.)

12-28-2004, 07:29 PM
There once was a Seeker with ‘roids
They were so big, he insured them with Lloyd’s
He took a finger to the burn
But then was distressed to learn
His scratching, that policy voids

(I'm using the generic he/him. Your profile doesn't specify a gender.)

Master Sparky
12-28-2004, 07:35 PM
Turning 30 brings you wisdom and knowing,
but be careful with cake candle blowing!
if you expel breath too hard
and with lack of regard,
you just might blow out your O-ring.

Happy birthday, Seeker!

Kitchen Wench
12-28-2004, 08:14 PM
These are great! What a cool birthday present. Oh, and YellowTail- I'm a chick.

12-28-2004, 09:47 PM
There is a special salve
from the mouthless one with bow
Hello Kitty cream!

The Doperette cried, Oy gevalt!
This pain in my tuchus must halt.
I've just turned three-oh
I'm feeling quite low
without this annoying ass-phalt. ;)

Mr. Blue Sky
12-28-2004, 09:57 PM
Preparation H
For Seeker74
Cools your aching butt

I Love Me, Vol. I
12-28-2004, 10:08 PM
It's not raunchy, but it is my all-time favorite limerick:

At breakfast one day in Calcutta,
Sat a man with a bit of a stutta
He said, "Pass the h-ham,
And the j-j-j-jam,
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butta!"

Best ever.

David Simmons
12-28-2004, 11:37 PM
There was a young man from Devizes,
Whose balls were of different sizes,
One was so small it was nothing at all,
The other took numerous prizes.

We took a European tour in 1960 that I call the Limerick tour. While in England we drove from London down to Stonehenge. On a road in the area we saw a sign that pointed the mileage and direction to Devizes which gave me an opportunity to recite some of my limericks. Limericks are filled with the names of British locales. Like the

Young lady from Twickenham,
Who complained that the men had no prick'n em,
Each night and each day
On her knees she would pray
Lord, lengthen and strengthen and thickenem

Or the Young man from Kent, Whose tool was so long that it bent, or the Young girl from Penzance, Who boarded a bus in a trance, The passengers ... and on and on.

There is another limerick that involves Brienz, Zug and Koblenz that I'll not repeat here. I have my standards. They are pretty low but they do exist. On the "Limerick tour" we were in Brienz and Koblenz and right near Zug.

Of course, come to think of it, if you are in Switzerland you've got to be near everywhere because everywhere in Switzerland is near everyplace else there. There is no elsewhere there, it's all one place.

David Simmons
12-28-2004, 11:39 PM
Yes, I know that Koblenz is in Germany, not Switzerland. During the war I was within just a couple of miles of Koblenz a time or two.

12-29-2004, 01:44 AM
Seeker74, upon turning thirty
Made a pitch for limericks dirty.
Since she wants to collect 'em,
Be sure to mention the rectum
And perhaps a secretion quite squirty.

12-29-2004, 02:27 AM
There once was a bloke from Aberystwyth
Who screwed all the boys that he kystwyth;
He'd lick them and suck them
And rim them and fuck them
And pull on the prongs that they pystwyth.

12-29-2004, 02:28 AM
A young Harvard man, sweet and tender
Went out with three queers on a bender.
He returned in six days
In a sexual haze
No longer quite sure of his gender.

Kitchen Wench
12-29-2004, 04:55 AM
You guys are the BEST! Sorry I had to skip out early last night, but this office chair doesn't help my malady at all.

A freshly thirty year old lass
finds it painful to sit on her ass
So she sits on a sitz
and enjoys the warm spritz
And blows bubbles releasing her gas

Preperation H
applied by my loving hubby
cools the firey bum

Hey David, I had just read those yesterday. I have a huge book of limericks from my Dad's library (rest his soul). I took it in with me to have a sitz bath before I started this thread. It's weird, everything I read after that I was trying to read with the limerick rhythm... That's what inspired the thread.

I love you guys! Keep 'em coming & I'll have a week-long birthday celebration!

Kitchen Wench
12-29-2004, 05:12 AM
For my birthday, he offered me head
while I was face down, ass up on the bed
I knew it was a joke
For he laughed as he spoke
Smearing goop on me pooper instead.

Incidentally, a few nights ago he proclaimed himself "Doctor Butt." So now when my husband is putting on the latex glove, I give him a rendition of "Doctor Butt" sung to Kiss's "Doctor Love."

They call me
(Doctor Butt)
They call me Doctor Butt
(they call me Doctor Butt)
I am the doctor of the butt!
(they call me Doctor Butt)

12-29-2004, 09:40 AM
Annie-Xmas of Doper fame
With her words she so tries to mame
she speaks of my 'rhoidal
to get me annoyed-al
The ass/door "crack" is just lame

I'm being purely funny here. ;)

Thought you thought my work wasn't spiffy
I still hope your B-day was nifty.
And on this Xmas--Annie
Couldn't get up off her fanny.
Why? Because that day I turned FIFTY

12-29-2004, 11:49 AM
Seeker the doper was great
Born on the twenty-eighth.
Her birthday was shared
With another quite fair
Named picker
But alas he was older

Birthdays really suck
Now that we are old as dirt
Pass the Geritol

Happy Birthday to us!

12-29-2004, 12:11 PM
There once was a Rabbi from Peru,
Who was trying, vainly, to screw.
His wife said, 'Oy, vey.'
If you keep on this way.
The Messiah will come before you do.

There once was a man from Rangoon,
Who was born nine months too soon
He was shit out of luck
He was born with no Fu*k
He was scraped from the sheets with a spoon.

And last is the Man, hails from Nave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
She was missing one tit
and smelled like shit,
but think of the money he saved.

How many from those three were in your book, Seeker?

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