PDA

View Full Version : What's the oldest joke you know?


Batsinma Belfry
07-14-2005, 01:21 PM
Here's a couple from my family.

The police were called to the scene of a domestic dispute. The husband was lying on the floor unconcious, and they were questioning the wife.

Police: "Mam, can you tell us what happened here?"

Wife: "He called me a 2 bit whore, so I hit him."

Police: "What did you hit him with?"

Wife: "A bag of quarters."


A woman named Tootie Green, was at church. She stood up to take communion, and fell on her ass, which caused her dress to fly up.

The preacher said to one of the deacons, "Is that Tootie Green?"

Deacon: "No, It's just the reflection from the stained glass window."


:dubious:

Draelin
07-14-2005, 01:24 PM
My dad used to tell this one all the time when I was really little. About five years ago, something reminded me of it, and I finally got it.

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.

fishbicycle
07-14-2005, 01:50 PM
Caveman #1: Knock knock.

Caveman #2: Heh heh heh.

DMark
07-14-2005, 02:02 PM
In small town Illinois, kids had a sick sense of humor. A few I can remember from when I was about 8 years old:

"Can Johnny come out to play?"
"You know Johnny doesn't have any arms or legs."
"I know. We want to use him for third base."

"Mommy, why I am walking in circles."
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."


(I can't believe I still remember these little morbid jokes, but they were big hits with my neighborhood buddies back then. I remember a few more, but they are probably too gross to be repeated here, lest you all think I grew up in Jeffrey Dahlmer's neighborhood.)

Walkabout
07-14-2005, 02:07 PM
This is the only joke I can ever remember (I know, sad, isn't it?):

What do you call an adolescent rabbit?

a pubic hair

NinetyWt
07-14-2005, 02:10 PM
Dmark you must remember this one, too:

"Mommy, Mommy, what's a Vampire?"

"Shut up and eat your soup before it clots."

Batsinma Belfry
07-14-2005, 02:11 PM
"Mommy Mommy, hurry up and give me a spoon.
Daddy threw up and Junior's getting all the big chuncks."

Ethilrist
07-14-2005, 02:13 PM
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't. You get down from a duck.

Beadalin
07-14-2005, 02:30 PM
The first joke I ever learned, and fuond hilarious (age 4 or 5, I think):

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mickey Mouse's underwear?

HA HA HA HA! Oh, the comedy! That joke has it all.

DeVena
07-14-2005, 02:58 PM
My grammy would tell this joke. I didn't get it until high school.

Shorty and Dapper Dan were arguing over who would get to court Miss Janie. Now Shorty was a dirt farmer, with old torn clothes, just a little runt of a guy and quite ugly but Miss Janie didn't want to hurt his feelings by choosing the much taller, and better dressed, Dapper Dan. So Miss Janie says that she'll choose whichever man wins a footrace Sunday after service. (She was thinking that Dapper Dan would win 'cause he had much longer legs than Shorty.)

So, come Sunday, the men (in front of the whole congregation) decided to race around the church yard three times, whoever crossed the finish line first would win Miss Janie. So off they run. When Dapper Dan starts to take the lead, Miss Janie gets excited and starts yelling and jumping up and down, cheering him on. Well Shorty pushes for all he's worth and is absolutely running out of his old torn clothes. About halfway through the last lap, Shorty's pants just fall away and he's running butt naked around the church yard. Seeing this, the congregation gets deathly quiet. And you hear Miss Janie start shouting, "Cut across, Shorty! Cut Across!"

Beware of Doug
07-14-2005, 02:59 PM
Boardinghouse, circa 1890s. Landlady is bringing a chicken to the table.
Landlady: What piece do you want?
All Four Boarders: A leg!!!!
Landlady: Gentlemen, a chicken is not a quadruped.

:rolleyes: :o

The Weird One
07-14-2005, 04:11 PM
My grandpa always used to tell me this "joke:"

Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?
To get to the other side!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To keep his pants up!

Umm, sure, Grandpa.

And since DMark brought it up, What's Dahmer's favorite soda?
Slice!

What Exit?
07-14-2005, 04:33 PM
1st joke I learned.
Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York Harbor?




Because she can't sit down.

fireman
07-14-2005, 09:47 PM
Knock knock

Who's there?

Old lady

Old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!

bouv
07-14-2005, 09:52 PM
My grammy would tell this joke. I didn't get it until high school.
.
.
.
And you hear Miss Janie start shouting, "Cut across, Shorty! Cut Across!"

Well, I'm well out of higfh school and I still don't get it. :confused:

Susie Derkins
07-14-2005, 09:57 PM
Knock knock

Who's there?

Old lady

Old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!

We used to tell this one when I was a kid, only we said little old lady.

And DeVena, I could just hear my aunt telling that joke way back when. Too cute!

Kilvert's Pagan
07-14-2005, 10:07 PM
Well, I'm well out of higfh school and I still don't get it. :confused:Shorty wasn't.

This one is really ancient and I'm paraphrasing big time because my memory's so dim:

A single gent with a wooden eye attends the town dance wih some trepidation. His worst fears were being realized when no woman would dance with him. Finally, he realizes that the only other person not dancing is a woman with a rather unattractive hare-lip.

Resigning himself to his fate and getting up his nerve, he asks the woman if she'd like to dance.

She excitedly replied, "Would I ! Would I !"

Him: "Hare Lip! Hare lip!"

The joke didn't have to be GOOD, just OLD....

MEBuckner
07-14-2005, 10:12 PM
Q. What animal has big ears, a tail, and a trunk?

A. A mouse on vacation.

Can Handle the Truth
07-14-2005, 10:26 PM
Late 1970's:

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?
A: Chester

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's nailed to a wall?
A: Art

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's in a swimming pool?
A: Bob

Unintentionally Blank
07-14-2005, 10:36 PM
My Scottish Born grandma would say:
"There's woolsey under there!"
You were then supposed to say:
"Woolsey? Under where?"

Bout choked when a similar lyric showed up in a Barenaked Ladies song.

Q:What's brown and sticky?
A:A stick!

AHunter3
07-14-2005, 10:52 PM
I believe it was a pun (http://engl.virginia.edu/OE/Beowulf.Readings/wave/beo07p.wav).. I suppose you could see it coming, with the dude's name being Shield and all...

Rock n Roach
07-14-2005, 11:39 PM
I believe it was a pun (http://engl.virginia.edu/OE/Beowulf.Readings/wave/beo07p.wav).. I suppose you could see it coming, with the dude's name being Shield and all...

I seen it all the way. The inflection in his voice gave it away.

(did I miss something?)

Thudlow Boink
07-14-2005, 11:59 PM
Late 1970's:

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?
A: Chester

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's nailed to a wall?
A: Art

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's in a swimming pool?
A: BobQ: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to water-ski?
A: Skip

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?
A: Matt

Civil Guy
07-15-2005, 12:07 AM
From my mother's high school year book (1935, about):

Little Audrey's father told her about the biggest bed he had ever seen, 10 feet long by 10 feet wide. Little Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew that was a lot of bunk!

Right. Old, but not funny.

E. Thorp
07-15-2005, 12:11 AM
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to water-ski?
A: Skip

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?
A: MattQ: What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen

Little Audrey's father told her about the biggest bed he had ever seen, 10 feet long by 10 feet wide. Little Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew that was a lot of bunk!Silly Sally was walking in the woods and a squirrel ran up her skirt. Silly Sally just laughed and laughed, because she knew she didn't have any nuts.

capybara
07-15-2005, 12:19 AM
AHunter3,
Bwah ha ha! That's rich.
Here's a goodie, and even older:
"κἀγὼ δέ σοι λέγω ὅτι σὺ εἶ Πέτρος, καὶ ἐπὶ ταύτῃ τῇ πέτρᾳ οἰκοδομήσω μου τὴν ἐκκλησίαν, καὶ πύλαι ἅ|δου οὐ κατισχύσουσιν αὐτῆς."
Matt. 16:18. Hey, Rocky!

Gorgonzola
07-15-2005, 12:21 AM
A drunk calls for the bartender. "Do lemons have feathers?" he slurs.

The bartender shakes his head.

"Well, then, I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink."

danceswithcats
07-15-2005, 12:23 AM
The Parson has come to call so Johnny's parents chase him out to watch the barnyard animals.

He rushes in a few minutes later and shouts, " The black bull is screwing the red heifer!"

Mother grimaces and guides Johnny back outside.

A little while later he bursts in hollering, "The black bull is screwing the white heifer!"

Mother grabs him by the ear and leads him to the kitchen. "We don't use the word 'screw' in polite conversation. Instead why don't you say that the bull 'surprised' the heifer?"

Johnny goes outside, but before too long he's back inside yelling, "The black bull surprised the white heifer!"

Indulging him, the Parson asks, "How did her surprise her, John?"

"He's screwing the red heifer again!"

ouryL
07-15-2005, 12:27 AM
Adam to Eve after being kicked out of the Garden of Eden:

"What the fuck do we do now?"

:p :p :p

Hilarity N. Suze
07-15-2005, 12:35 AM
In small town Illinois, kids had a sick sense of humor. A few I can remember from when I was about 8 years old:

"Can Johnny come out to play?"
"You know Johnny doesn't have any arms or legs."
"I know. We want to use him for third base."

"Mommy, why I am walking in circles."
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."


(I can't believe I still remember these little morbid jokes, but they were big hits with my neighborhood buddies back then. I remember a few more, but they are probably too gross to be repeated here, lest you all think I grew up in Jeffrey Dahlmer's neighborhood.)

Oh, the "shut up, kid" jokes ( as we knew 'em)

"But Mommy, I hate little brother!"
"Shut up kid, you'll eat what I cook."

nonacetone
07-15-2005, 02:58 AM
"Mommy, mommy! Daddy's on fire!"

"Quick! Get the marshmallows!"

Antonius Block
07-15-2005, 03:01 AM
"But Mommy, I hate little brother!"
"Shut up kid, you'll eat what I cook."Or, as I learned it:

"Mommy, mommy I can't stand Grandma's guts!"
"Leave them on the side of the plate, then."

Spiratu
07-15-2005, 09:55 AM
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to water-ski?
A: Skip

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?
A: Matt

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying in a ditch?
A: Phil

DeVena
07-15-2005, 10:01 AM
Well, I'm well out of higfh school and I still don't get it. :confused:

My grammy would tell this joke. I didn't get it until high school.

Shorty and Dapper Dan were arguing over who would get to court Miss Janie. Now Shorty was a dirt farmer, with old torn clothes, just a little runt of a guy and quite ugly but Miss Janie didn't want to hurt his feelings by choosing the much taller, and better dressed, Dapper Dan. So Miss Janie says that she'll choose whichever man wins a footrace Sunday after service. (She was thinking that Dapper Dan would win 'cause he had much longer legs than Shorty.)

So, come Sunday, the men (in front of the whole congregation) decided to race around the church yard three times, whoever crossed the finish line first would win Miss Janie. So off they run. When Dapper Dan starts to take the lead, Miss Janie gets excited and starts yelling and jumping up and down, cheering him on. Well Shorty pushes for all he's worth and is absolutely running out of his old torn clothes. About halfway through the last lap, Shorty's pants just fall away and he's running butt naked around the church yard. Seeing this, the congregation gets deathly quiet. And you hear Miss Janie start shouting, "Cut across, Shorty! Cut Across!"

Once he lost his pants, Miss Janie was very impressed with Shorty's ummmm... hidden attributes. :P

Lissa
07-15-2005, 10:09 AM
The oldest joke I know is one which was written in the margins of one of Leonardo Da Vinci's notebooks:

A woman was washing clothes, and her feet were very red with cold. A priest who was passing by asked her in amazement whence came the redness and the woman replied that it was the result of the fire she had burning below. Then the priest seized that part of his being wthat was responsible for his being a priest and not a nun and drawing close to her, with a sweet and soft voice, begged her to be so kind as to light his candle for him.

Not exactly a knee-slapper today, but I'm sure they must have found it funny at the time.

Bites When Provoked
07-15-2005, 10:24 AM
Well, these are the oldest jokes I remember...

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it. (pronounced as 'you (s)'neak up on it)

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.

Q: What is a wok?
A: It's a fing you fwow at a wabbit.

A joke kids just love:

Q: What's green and hangs from jungle trees?
A: Elephant snot.

And my favourite joke as a youngling:

Q: What sits in a tree and smokes?
A: A stove.
Q: A stove?
A: It's my stove, and I'll do what I like with it!

Plus, while we're on the theme....

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
A: Russell.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?
A: Matt.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep, ringing your doorbell?
A: Dick.

Draelin
07-15-2005, 10:49 AM
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a cash register?
Penny.

Did you hear about the guy who named his legless dog "Cigarette"?"
Every now and then, he'd take him for a drag.

Balle_M
07-15-2005, 11:12 AM
Did you hear about the guy who named his legless dog "Cigarette"?"
Every now and then, he'd take him for a drag.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: Doesn't matter, he ain't coming to you.

Man With a Cat
07-15-2005, 11:20 AM
Where's the best place to build a dress store?

On the outskirts of town.


I tell, ya I still keep 'em rolling in the aisles with that one.

Johnny L.A.
07-15-2005, 11:24 AM
The first joke I remember hearing is so old, I thought it was a bedtime story that my dad would tell me.

Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot were walking through the cemetery one dark night. Foot fell into an open grave, and Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot didn't know what happened to him.

Foot-Foot wants to run so that they can get out of the cemetery as quickly as possible. Foot-Foot-Foot tells him they'd better be careful. 'We've got one Foot in the grave already!'

Johnny L.A.
07-15-2005, 11:27 AM
On a related note, this is another joke my dad told. I was old enough to understand it was a joke when I heard it.

A man was walking through the cemetery one dark night when he fell into an open grave. He tried and tried, but could not get out of the hole. He finally gave up and sat down in a dark corner. A little while later, a drunk fell into the same grave. He tried and tried, but couldn't climb out of the hole. The first man, unseen in the corner, morosely said, 'You'll never get out!'

But he did! :D

Some of dad's jokes weren't very good, were they?

Sampiro
07-15-2005, 11:37 AM
The joke my grandfather used to tell at any or no provocation:

The Sisterhood of a small town church is trying to decide who will chair the Decoration Committee for Christmas. Several women are nominated and Sister Velma is elected, but Sister Ruth didn't even get nominated and she's offended. She asks them "I've been going to this church all of my life and I've done everything I could for it and y'all know how I love to decorate and nobody even nominated me... why not?"

Awkward silence, then one of the matriarchs says "Sister Ruth, you know we all love ya, but decorating the church for Christmas calls for somebody with... culture, and refinement, and class... and that's just not your strong suit."

Now she's really offended.

"I don't have any culture or refinement or class? Why... why... who made those beaded curtains hanging on the church winda's? That was me. And who worked her butt off to get all the flocked wallpaper on the Church walls? Me! When the church needed flowers for its front lawn who stayed up all night whitewashing the tires and then making sure they were spaced right so it wouldn't be tacky? ME! Who saw to it that this was the first church in town to have flamingoes on its lawn? ME!
And now you all come to me and say "Sister Ruth ain't got no culture, refinement and class? Well if y'all don't think I have culture, class and refinement you can just lick my ass." (muttering:) Saying I ai't got no culture... no culture, shit!" (storms out)

I think it's in the telling, come to think of it... doesn't work written out- but it's the oldest joke in my family.

Johnny L.A.
07-15-2005, 11:42 AM
When the church needed flowers for its front lawn who stayed up all night whitewashing the tires and then making sure they were spaced right so it wouldn't be tacky? ME!
The funny thing is, a previous owner of my house made 'planters' of old tires. The tops are folded out into triangular 'petals', and they are whitewashed. I've got to get rid of those things sometime. :p

Sampiro
07-15-2005, 11:47 AM
Things remembered from elementary school:

"Mommy mommy, can I lick the bowl again?"

"SHUT UP OR I'LL FLUSH IT!"
___________________________________

"What do you call a dog with iron balls and no hind legs?"

"Sparky"
__________________________________

"What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a whore with diarrhea?"

One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits.

We didn't really know what that one meant, but we knew it was dirty and therefore hysterical.
----------------------------------------------------------------

swampbear
07-15-2005, 11:53 AM
The funny thing is, a previous owner of my house made 'planters' of old tires. The tops are folded out into triangular 'petals', and they are whitewashed. I've got to get rid of those things sometime. :p
Well, why? What else ya gonna use to landscape your yard? :p

Ellen Cherry
07-15-2005, 11:55 AM
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my gum.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning.

The latter is beloved by my children. We had a neighbor down the street named Dwayne, invariable referred to as Dwayne the Bathtub. :p

RealityChuck
07-15-2005, 11:59 AM
What's the difference between a tribe of clever pigmies and a women's track team.

One's a cunning bunch of runts, and the other's . . .

And, of course Dead Baby Jokes!

Q. How do you make a dead baby float?
A. Two scoops of dead baby and root beer.

Q. What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?
A. You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

AHunter3
07-15-2005, 12:14 PM
The first joke I remember hearing is so old, I thought it was a bedtime story that my dad would tell me.

Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot were walking through the cemetery one dark night. Foot fell into an open grave, and Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot didn't know what happened to him.

Foot-Foot wants to run so that they can get out of the cemetery as quickly as possible. Foot-Foot-Foot tells him they'd better be careful. 'We've got one Foot in the grave already!'
Well, Foot-Foot-Foot oughta be pretty safe, all in all.

.
.
.
.
.
.
... survival of the Footest, you know...

Draelin
07-15-2005, 12:18 PM
What's the difference between Ringling Brothers and the Rockettes?
Ringling Brothers is a cunning array of stunts ...

The first time I heard that joke, the punchline was said just that way, with the "funny" part left off. Took me years to get it.

And we can't forget all the JAP (Jewish American Princess, for those who don't know that) jokes, which were so popular in my area. And as someone who could technically be called a JAP herself, I'm totally allowed to tell them. :)

Q: How can you tell a JAP has had an orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.

Q: How do JAPs have sex?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's

Johnny L.A.
07-15-2005, 12:23 PM
And we can't forget all the JAP (Jewish American Princess, for those who don't know that) jokes...
Or the WASPS (White Angle-Saxon Protestants).

How can you tell the WASPS at a Chinese restaurant?
They're the ones not sharing the food.

Two bees are flying along, when one dons a yarmulke. 'Why did you do that?' asks one bee. The other replies, 'I didn't want anyone to think I'm a WASP!'

What's a WASP's favourite wine?
'I want to go to Martha's Vinyard!'

elbows
07-15-2005, 03:35 PM
The oldest joke I know, I think, is this beauty;

Man, sitting beside a beautiful woman at a bar says,
"Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000 ?"
After but a moments pause, she coyly says, "yes."

A moment later he asks her,
"Would you sleep with me for $50 ?"
Shocked, she responds;
"What kind of woman do you think I am?"
To which, he responds;
"I believe we've established what kind of woman you are,
now we're just negotiating a price."

I always thought this was the worlds oldest joke.

Ghanima
07-15-2005, 04:15 PM
Why did the old lady put roller skates on her rocking chair?

Because she wanted to rock'n'roll.


This joke was pure entertainment at the age of five or so.

Sampiro
07-15-2005, 04:40 PM
Perhaps it's because we were in Alabama (her home state), but Helen Keller jokes were insanely popular at my school. Most of them you've heard, but my favorites remain

How did Helen Keller's punish her when she was bad?

They rearranged the furniture

How 'bout when she was really bad?

They put doorknobs on the wall

How 'bout when she was really, really bad?

They left the plunger in the toilet

Why was Helen Keller a sh!tty driver?

Because she was a woman

Shodan
07-15-2005, 04:41 PM
My dad told me this one, forty-four years ago.

What do you have if you have twenty-five female pigs, and twenty-five male deer?
Fifty sows and bucks.

Regards,
Shodan

Sampiro
07-15-2005, 05:41 PM
This was, believe it or not, one of my father's favorite jokes:

Man 1: Did you hear they just elected a new Pope? He's Irish.

Man 2: Oh really?

Man 1: No, O'Reilly.


Daddy was many things, but... wacky and zany weren't two of them.

Best Topics: bull shit walks teddy nightgown pig dog german oconus meaning cryptonomicon ending mateine vs caffeine earn red wings snow melter blower lord farquaad joke 10k rl ring gillette stadium logo immoral pleasure seeker blue gloves firefly croker sack definition evolutionary fitness definition simply sara youtube adr loop group nipples tickled email indexing gul dukat quotes nermal name british di costco cake reviews curtain magnets white soda nyquil overdose symptoms longest pregnancy define bukaki opera vs operetta death by papercut directv transponders heparin injection melungeon shovel teeth roll snowball asian nipple color why do hasidics have curls is pp paragraphs or pages boiling point of distilled water chinese symbols for war how much does a zeppelin cost red robin harbor and chapman how do bars work fight the good fight meaning best glue for car interior fabric when quitting smoking what is the hardest day what happens if you can't pay a toll refill inkjet cartridges walgreens 7 central to pacific who owns mr pibb henckels pro vs pro s how fast does rid x work wps requires ssid broadcasting in order to work worst cuisine in the world dulcolax works how fast i don't want to go to mexico no more more more eritrean people physical features bed bug success story small baggies for drugs full metal jacket john wayne is extra cheese considered a topping at dominos will incense set off sprinkler carol burnett show tim conway elephant skit panda as a pet paraffin wax food grade why do we have 2 kidneys thundercats theme song lyrics shot to the head instant death