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Doctor Goo Fee
04-07-2001, 09:04 PM
IMHO--- this is tops for overall silliness...


At breakfast one day in Calcutta
Was a man with a bit of a stutta
He said, "Pass the h-ham
And the j-j-j-jam
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butta."

DonQuixote
04-07-2001, 10:54 PM
"There's a train at four-four," I said to Miss Jenny,
"Four tickets I'll take, have you any?"
"Not four for four-four," replied Miss Jenny,
"For four for four-four is too many."

Kerrigan
04-07-2001, 11:07 PM
Originally posted by Doctor Goo Fee

At breakfast one day in Calcutta
Was a man with a bit of a stutta
He said, "Pass the h-ham
And the j-j-j-jam
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butta."



We sing this as a warm-up in my school choir, with some slight variation.

"There once was a man from Calcutta,
Who had the most terrible <clap> stutter.
And he said, p-p-p-p-please pass
The ch-ch ch-ch-ch-cheese
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-BUU-b-b-b-b-b-b-b, <clap><clap> BUTTER!"

Sir Rhosis
04-07-2001, 11:19 PM
My favorite:

There once was a young man from Poole
Who discovered a red ring about his tool
He went to the clinic
Where the doctor, a cynic,
Said, "It's only lipstick, you fool."

Sir

Jack Batty
04-07-2001, 11:53 PM
It must be included ...


There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long, he could suck it,
He said, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it."

AwSnappity
04-08-2001, 12:20 AM
Jack:

Thank you!!! Now I finally know what it is!

Jack Batty
04-08-2001, 12:51 AM
Well then, my mission in life is complete.

John Kentzel-Griffin
04-08-2001, 01:35 AM
A very sad poet was Jenny.
Her limericks weren't worth a penny.
In technique they were sound,
Yet somehow she found
Whenever she tried to write any
She always wrote one line too many.

OK. It's not really a limerick, but it's my favorite.

Balance
04-08-2001, 01:42 AM
The definition of a limerick (which I first read in one of David Gerrold's War Against the Chtorr novels) is a favorite:

A limerick of classic proportion
Has rhyme, meter, and a portion
Of humor quite lewd
And a frightfully crude
Impossible sexual contortion.

exchicagoan
04-08-2001, 01:42 AM
There was a young man of Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
When jangled together
They played "Stormy Weather,"
And lightening shot out of his ass.

Bboy
04-08-2001, 02:04 AM
An ornery patient named Crass,
refused to take needles or gas,
the reason, he said,
is that gas hurts my head...
and shots are a pain in the neck!

A frustrated fellow named Stan,
Whose limericks weren't according to plan.
If you ask him "What's wrong?"
He'll say "They're too long,
because I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can."

robinh
04-08-2001, 09:44 AM
First let me explain that I'm cursed.
I'm a poet whose time gets reversed.
Reversed gets time
Whose poet a I'm.
Cursed I'm that explain me let first.

nikjohns
04-08-2001, 11:09 AM
There once was a lady called Jill
Who ate an explosive pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And one of her tits in Brazil

Green Bean
04-08-2001, 01:23 PM
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter, named Nan,
Ran off with a man,
And as for the bucket, they took it.

(I'm so square.)

Prof. Dumbledore
04-08-2001, 02:22 PM
there was an old man from darjeeling
on a train ride from london to ealing
the sign on the door
said don't spit on the floor
so he carefully spat on the ceiling

Prof. Dumbledore
04-08-2001, 02:28 PM
there was an old man from darjeeling
on a train ride from london to ealing
the sign on the door
said don't spit on the floor
so he carefully spat on the ceiling

Prof. Dumbledore
04-08-2001, 02:30 PM
DAMN!!!! sorry about the double posting....i don't know how i managed to pull that off....sorry!

YWalker
04-08-2001, 03:39 PM
The bustard's an exquisite fowl
With plenty of reason to howl.
He escapes what would be
Illegitimacy
By grace of a fortunate vowel.

Jack Batty: I second FireUnderpantsBoob's thanks for contributing to our education. I have heard only the first line of that one for SO long......

nikjohns: Oddly enough, I've never come across that particular word being rhymed with the name of my native state before. They'll have to keep that one in mind if they decide to update the state song.

PatrickM
04-08-2001, 05:06 PM
There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma,
Now his skeleton lies
Under hot desert skies
For the puma had no sense of hu-ma!

squib
04-08-2001, 06:20 PM
Since you're dusting off the oldies --

The randy old Bishop of Birmingham
Would bugger young boys whilst confirming 'em
He'd whip out his rod
As they knelt before God
And pump his episcopal sperm in 'em.

mobo85
04-08-2001, 06:40 PM
Aw, you didn't need Jack Batty! Cecil already covered the adventures of the man from Nantucket, whether he carried a bucket with a large amount of punniness involved, or whether he had an unusually long private area:

https://academicpursuits.us/classics/a2_183.html

Baker
04-08-2001, 08:07 PM
Can I do TWO please?

A gentleman dining at Crewe,
Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too!"

As a beauty I'm not a great star,
There are others more handsome by far,
But my face, I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar!

Spoke
04-08-2001, 08:13 PM
You know I once tried to convince a couple I know to join me for a trip to Turkey. The husband seemed a little jittery about going to Turkey (one too many viewings of Midnight Express), and came up with a lame "I can't get off work" excuse. So I wrote this taunting limerick and emailed it to him:

There was a young man who feared Turks,
So he said he could not get off work
To avoid a vacation
In the Ottoman nation,
Where the objects of his terror lurk!

Drastic
04-08-2001, 08:39 PM
There was a young lady quite tearful
Of sucking a cock she was fearful
In a moment of dread
She turned aside her head--
And boy, did she get an earful!

Yersinia Pestis
04-08-2001, 08:56 PM
There was a young lady named Bright
Who traveled far faster than light
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned home the previous night.

Totoro
04-08-2001, 09:47 PM
The first line is a street address, so don't get confused.

At number nine, penwiper mews,
there is truly abominable news,
they've discovered a head
in the box for the bread
and nobody seems to know whose.

This one's a Gorey:
Each night my dad fills me with dread
when he sits at the foot of my bed
it's not that he speaks
in gibbers and squeaks
but for 26 years he's been dead.

ITR champion
04-09-2001, 02:00 AM
A poetess, lovely and trim
Did indulge in a mighty strange whim.
She always wore a bonnet
While writing a sonnet
But stripped herself bare for a hymn.

The limerick is never averse
To expressing itself in a terse
Economical style
And yet, all the while
The limerick is always a verse.

Balance
04-09-2001, 03:16 AM
I have to say that I have seen more clean (more-or-less) limericks in this thread than I've ever seen outside some insipid collection meant for children. In keeping with that, here's one for the gamers:

A dour old dwarf named Fritz
Got burned right where he sits.
It's unwise, they say,
To get in the way
Of a dragon just as he spits.

And then again...

There is a young man named Schultz,
Of his deeds he brags and exults
He slept with the dead
"'Tis legal," he said,
"As long as they're consenting adults!"

bwanasimba
04-09-2001, 03:59 AM
There once was a man from Bombay
who fashioned a c*** out of clay
his dock he inserted, his semen he squirted
but chafed all this foreskin away.....

bwanasimba
04-09-2001, 04:00 AM
Ha ha ha ha!

although why he wanted to put a leafy plant into it I'll never know! :wally

Str8_Dope
04-09-2001, 05:22 AM
There once was a man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
She had but one tit
And smelled like shit
But think of the money Dave saved

There once was a man from Monclair
Who fucked his wife on the stair
The bannister broke
He quickened his stroke
And finished her off in the air

Bluesman
04-09-2001, 07:22 AM
Geobabe went to school for rockology.
Bluesman thought to himself, "Golly, gee...
She has such a fine ass,
I can't let the chance pass."
So he spanked her, and gave an apology.

Doper party mini-scandal. Ya hadda be there.

:D

GSV Consolation of Dreams
04-09-2001, 08:33 AM
There once was a man named Heinz,
Who wrote poems of only two lines.



<runs till the booing and jeering is lost in the distance>

AuntPam
04-09-2001, 10:24 AM
A young miss with a bedroom trapeze
Charges double to hang by her knees.
Her clients say gravity
Helps' em fill up her cavity--
And everyone's cooled by the breeze.

An ancient rabbi from Peru
Took his wife in the bedroom to screw.
But she said, "Oh vey!
If you keep on this way--
The Messiah'll come before you!"

A lovesick skydiver named Sherm
Bailed out while his organ was firm--
Three strokes and a spasm
Produced an orgasm.
And he skywrote "I love you!" in sperm.

I only wrote the first one; the others I read somewhere....

dustMagnate
04-09-2001, 12:13 PM
There was a young woman from Spain
Who got sick as she rode on the train
Not once but again
And again and again
And again and again and again

bryanmcc
04-09-2001, 02:16 PM
On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
Were tattooed the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The same information in braille.

The integral z squared dz
From one to the cube root of three
Times the cosine
Of three pi over nine
Equals log of the cube root of e.

-b

John Kentzel-Griffin
04-09-2001, 04:58 PM
A dozen a gross and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.
__________________

Show Signature: not checked for this post.

erislover
04-09-2001, 05:46 PM
Man, all my favorites have been stolen. "Integral z squared dz...damn. Brass balls? Double damn! Well, ok, I still got one hanging around.

There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who'd had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back
and fingered her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling.

Yeah, well, my others were taken. :D

Does anyone know the one that ends,
"Said the plumber, still plumbing, 'It's me!'" Always like that one.

D Marie
04-09-2001, 07:22 PM
This one doesn't quite scan, logically, but it was told to me by an eleven-year-old girl :eek: and I thought it was pretty clever.

There once was a fellow named Paul
Who had an octagonal ball.
The square of his weight
Plus his pecker, times eight,
Is his phone number--give him a call!

Johanna
04-09-2001, 09:29 PM
There was a young maid from Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to grind grist with.
But the miller's son Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the things that they pissed with.

Tequila Mockingbird
04-09-2001, 10:26 PM
There was a young fellow from Sparta
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save The Queen
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata

He could vary with proper persuasion
His fart to suit any occasion
He could fart like a flute
Like a lark, like a lute
This highly fartistic caucasion

He could fart a gavotte for a starter
Then fizzle a fine serenata
He could boom from his ass
Bach's B minor mass
And in counterpoint, La Traviata

He was great in the Christmas Cantata
He could double-stop fart the Tocata
He could play on his anus
The Carlioanis
oof boom, er tum toodle, yam tada.

Spurred on by a very high wager
From an envious German named Bager
He proceded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B Major

His repetoire ranged from classics to jazz
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in Razzammatazz

His Basso Profundo with timbre to spare
He rendered quite often with power to spare
But his great work of art
His Fortissimmo Fart
He saved for the March Militaire

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm
But nothing could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan
For his fart was in wonderful form

It went off in a capital style
And he farted it through with a smile
Then feeling quite jolly
He tried the finale
Blowing double stopped farts all the while

The selection was tough, I admit
But that didn't dismay him one bit
Then with ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed
And collapsed in a shower of shit

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta
Where they buried the rest of our farter
On his gravestone of turds
Are inscribed with the words:
To The Fine Art Of Farting, a Martyr

City Gent
04-10-2001, 01:15 AM
This one's always been my favorite; maybe it's the image it conjures up:

A mechanic from old Aberdeen
Invented a jerkoff machine
On the twenty-fifth stroke
The fucking thing broke
And beat both his balls to a cream

Dr. Rieux
04-10-2001, 01:54 AM
aynrandlover:

A horny young plumber named Lee
Was plumbing a girl by the sea
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing
"I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"

I used to have a big book of limericks that had that one translated into several languages, including Latin.

This one's by Isaac Asimov (IIRC):

The limerick's form is complex,
And its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
and musculine urgins
And other erotic effex.

ITR champion
04-10-2001, 02:01 AM
Originally posted by Balance
I have to say that I have seen more clean (more-or-less) limericks in this thread than I've ever seen outside some insipid collection meant for children.

The limerick packs laughs astronomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the good ones I've seen
Very rarely are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical

Kyomara
04-10-2001, 05:04 AM
Originally posted by nikjohns
There once was a lady called Jill
Who ate an explosive pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And one of her tits in Brazil
Almost. Try:

Nymphomaniacal Jill
Used a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

And whoever it was put in Edward Gorey limericks, you're on to something:

There once was a woman whose stammer
Was atrocious, and so was her grammar.
But this was not improved
When her husband was moved
To smash in her teeth with a hammer.

There once was a curate whose brain
Was deranged by the use of cocaine.
He lead a small child
To a copse dark and wild
Where he beat it to death with his cane.

There lives a young couple in Hertz
Who are cousins, or so each asserts.
But their sex is in doubt
For they're never without
Their moustaches and long flowing skirts.

And now I have overstayed my welcome...

ghandi5569
04-11-2001, 01:35 AM
two tutors who tooted the flute
tried to tutor two tooters to toot
said the two to the tutors
is it easier to toot
or to tutor two tooters to toot?

donnie rotten
04-11-2001, 02:12 AM
How many dopers out there remember the classis Isaac Asimov book, Lecherous Limericks (http://amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0802770967/qid=986969037/sr=1-2/ref=sc_b_3/107-6917903-9789359)? Amazon says it's out of print, but you might find a copy somewhere. I found it in a used book store quite some time ago, and couldn't resist...

Here's one...

Another young woman named Claire,
Would walk around perfectly bare.
Saying "All that I show
Are my publics, you know,
For my privates are covered in hair."

Rawk on, Isaac!

Weirddave
04-11-2001, 03:48 PM
There was a young man from Rangoon,
Who was born nine months too soon,
He had not the luck,
To be born of a fuck,
He was scrapped off the sheets with a spoon,

rowrrbazzle
04-11-2001, 04:19 PM
There was a young man of Kilbride
Who fell in an outhouse and died.
His heartbroken brother
Fell into another
And now they're interred side by side.

From one of Martin Gardner's columns:
There was an old man of Verdun.

And finally, the one about the young man of Nepal:

tbC Elwell
03-15-2013, 10:50 PM
There once was a man named Heinz,
Who wrote poems of only two lines,
So twas left up to me,
To complete this for thee,
And to finish with something that rhymes.

Ethilrist
03-15-2013, 10:59 PM
There once was a man from Darfur
Whose limericks all stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He just said "Because."

SCAdian
03-15-2013, 11:24 PM
There was a young fisher named Fischer
Who was fishing for fish in a fissure
When a cod, with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in -
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fischer.


There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
The apple fermented
Inside the lamented,
And made cider inside her inside.

CannyDan
03-16-2013, 12:13 AM
There was a young woman from Wheeling
Who claimed she had no sexual feeling
Till a cynic named Morris
Simply touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

maggenpye
03-16-2013, 01:20 AM
There was a young maid from Madrass
Who had the most beautiful ass
Not as you'd think
Firm round and pink
But grey with long ears and eats grass

cochrane
03-16-2013, 04:18 AM
There once was a soldier named Fisk
Who said, when the fighting got brisk,
"I'm sorry to say
that I cannot stay.
I've got only one *"

There was an old man named Berthold
Who drank his beer in the cold.
As he lifted his cup,
♪ Never gonna give you up! ♪
Oh, snap! You've been limerick rolled.

Malacandra
03-16-2013, 05:12 AM
Oh hark! I hear the mad strains -
The doleful, sepulchral refrains -
As lurches along
The zombified throng
All frantically searching for BRAINNNSSS!

Left Hand of Dorkness
03-16-2013, 08:01 AM
There once was a man from Darfur
Whose limericks all stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He just said "Because."

There once was a man from Peru
whose limericks stopped at line two.

There once was a man from Verdun

And the final one in this series, of course, is about Emperor Nero.

Son of a Rich
03-16-2013, 09:39 AM
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

jasg
03-16-2013, 12:31 PM
There was a young gaucho named Bruno,
who said "Screwing is something I do know."
"A woman is fine, a sheep is divine
but a llama is numero uno."

Shodan
03-16-2013, 03:42 PM
There was a sultan of Algiers,
Who said to his harem, "My dears,
You may think it odd o' me
But I tire of sodomy.
Tonight's for you ladies." (Loud cheers.)

A young lesbian from Khartoum
Took a gay fellow up to her room.
But they argued and fought
Over who should do what
And how, and with which and to whom.

The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called the hen "a most elegant creature".
A hen, pleased with that
Laid an egg in his hat
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.

Twas the scorn of the vicar, named Bings,
For heterosexual things.
But he burned with desire
For a boy in the choir
With a bottom like jelly on springs.

A swimmer whose clothing got strewed
In the breezes until she was nude
Saw a man come along,
And unless I am wrong,
you were hoping this line would be lewd.

Regards,
Shodan

Amateur Barbarian
03-16-2013, 04:18 PM
There once was a young man from Poole
Who discovered a red ring about his tool
He went to the clinic
Where the doctor, a cynic,
Said, "It's only lipstick, you fool."
Variation:

There was a young man in Stamboul
Who discovered red spots on his tool
Said the doctor, a cynic
"Get out of my clinic!
"And wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"

Amateur Barbarian
03-16-2013, 04:21 PM
There was a young man of Japan
Whose verses would never quite scan
When asked why this was
He said, "It's because
"I try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can."

ETA: Oh, hell beaten to the two/one joke. Replacement:

There was a young girl from Connecticut
Who showed a complete lack of etiquette
Letting all comers press
Through the skirt of her dress
And mopping the mess with her petticut.

What of the lasses of Birmingham?
Shall we speak of the scandal concerning 'em?
They're both in the dock
for lifting the frock (alt: for tickling the cock)
of the priest engaged in confirming 'em.

A lightning drag racer named Fisk
Took a consid'rable risk
When his dragster got traction
The Fitzgerald Contraction
Reduced his wazoo to a disk.

Shodan
03-16-2013, 04:52 PM
What of the lasses of Birmingham?
Shall we speak of the scandal concerning 'em?
They're both in the dock
for lifting the frock (alt: for tickling the cock)
of the priest engaged in confirming 'em.
But the priest was nobody's fool.
He had been to parochial school.
So he pulled down his britches
And diddled those bitches
With a twelve-inch Episcopal tool.

But both the young ladies said "Poo!"
And they sneered as the priest withdrew.
For they said with a snicker,
"The vicar is thicker,
And slicker and quicker than you."

Regards,
Shodan

Damfino
03-16-2013, 05:30 PM
There was a young man of Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Great tufts of grass
Sprouted out of his arse
And his cock was covered with weeds.

And another by Asimov :

There was a young woman of Decatur
Who went on a trip on a freighter .
She was screwed by the Master,
An utter disaster,
But the crew made up for it later !

Amateur Barbarian
03-16-2013, 07:22 PM
There was a young lady named Banker
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
She awoke with dismay
When she heard the mate say
"Hoist up the top sheet and spanker!"

My best friend in high school HATED it when I learned this Asimovian one:

Some gentlemen born under Aries
Are likely to go by contraries
They're apt to ignore
The sweet girl next door
And feel much attracted to fairies.

BrotherCadfael
03-16-2013, 07:53 PM
A gentleman dining at Crewe,
Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too!"

There was a young lady named Bright
Who traveled far faster than light
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned home the previous night.
OK, seeing as you took my two favorites, I'll have to just go with the following:

A mathematician confided
That a Mobius band is one-sided.
"And you'll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half,
For it stays in one piece when divided!"

A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Mobius band divine.
He said, "If you glue
The edges of two,
You'll get a weird bottle like mine!"

Moriarty
03-16-2013, 09:43 PM
Seen in a bathroom stall (and seared into my brain ever since):

When I get up to wipe my ass
I like to pass a little gas
It cleans the bowl
And dries the hole
And shows I have a lot of class

tim314
03-17-2013, 03:41 AM
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter, named Nan,
Ran off with a man,
And as for the bucket, they took it.

It has to be "as for the bucket, Nantucket" (i.e., Nan took it)

Otherwise, her name might as well be Jan.

Malacandra
03-17-2013, 04:01 AM
OK, seeing as you took my two favorites, I'll have to just go with the following:

A mathematician confided
That a Mobius band is one-sided.
"And you'll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half,
For it stays in one piece when divided!"

A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Mobius band divine.
He said, "If you glue
The edges of two,
You'll get a weird bottle like mine!"

Well, if we're getting mathematical:

Integral t2 dt
From one to the cube root of three
All times the cosine
Of 3p upon nine
Equals log of the cube root of e

and

If one plus x: real close to 1
Be raised to the value of 1
upon x, you will find
This neat value defined:
2.718281....

Shodan
03-17-2013, 07:53 AM
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter, named Nan,
Ran off with a man,
And as for the bucket, they took it.
Paw followed the pair to Pawtucket
(The man and the girl and the bucket)
Paw said to the man,
"You're welcome to Nan".
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Regards,
Shodan

Encinitas
03-17-2013, 09:45 AM
There was a young maid from Aberystwyth,
Who took grain to the mill to make grist with.
The miller's son, Jack,
Threw her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.

Amateur Barbarian
03-17-2013, 11:05 AM
A nearsighted couple named Kelly
Are now stuck fast belly to belly
Because, in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

BrotherCadfael
03-17-2013, 11:15 AM
If one plus x: real close to 1
Be raised to the value of 1
upon x, you will find
This neat value defined:
2.718281....I am not worthy...

as_u_wish
03-17-2013, 12:54 PM
I was challenged by a friend to write a limerick using the word schlong. I produced this two-parter...

There once was a man named Mort
Whose manhood was terribly short
To call it his schlong
Would have been very wrong
Which is why he called it his schlort

His lady had once dated Peter
Whose schlong measured nearly a meter
But she preferred Mort
With his wee little schlort
Cuz he always took time first to eat her...

Recusant
03-17-2013, 01:26 PM
Here's one of my favorites:

There once was a [person or place].
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space].

And, of course:

A limerick packs laugh anatomical
Into a space quite economical
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

TreacherousCretin
03-17-2013, 02:40 PM
Ogden Nash:

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican.
He can take in his beak
Food enough for a week,
But I'm damned if I see how the helican.

Shodan
03-17-2013, 05:17 PM
Here's one of my favorites:

There once was a [person or place].
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space].

There once was a fellow named Dwight,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
He went out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

A smiling young lady from Niger
Went out for a ride on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside.
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

Regards,
Shodan

Malacandra
03-17-2013, 05:28 PM
Paw followed the pair to Pawtucket
(The man and the girl and the bucket)
Paw said to the man,
"You're welcome to Nan".
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Regards,
Shodan

The pair followed Paw to Manhasset
Where he still kept the cash as an asset;
Then Nan and the man
Took the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.

terentii
03-17-2013, 05:51 PM
There was a young man from Bombay
who fashioned a cunt out of clay.
But the heat from his prick
turned it into a brick,
and it chafed all his foreskin away.

There once was a young man from Uppingham
who stood up on a bridge down at Buckingham,
watching the stunts
of the cunts in their punts
and the tricks of the pricks that were fucking them.

From the rocks at the Cove of St Giles
came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the Pope "Goodness gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

"I'll tell you," said prom chairman Rowse,
"why Peggy's the prom queen I chose.
She's delightfully free
as the wind on the sea,
and besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!"

There once was a young man named Lude
whose girlfriend was kind of a prude.
He got her to eat it
o'er repulsion deep-seated
by saying "Pretend that it's food!"

There was an old whore from Azores
whose cunt was all covered with sores.
The dogs wouldn't eat
the hunks of green meat
that hung in festoons from her drawers.

When asked by the Duchess at tea
if ever I fart when I pee,
I replied with some wit
"Do you belch when you shit?"
and thought that was one up for me!

Amateur Barbarian
03-17-2013, 06:27 PM
Two anthropologists, up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe
The answer next day
Said, "Girls on the way,
"But what in the hell's a 'panoe'?"

owlfan
03-17-2013, 07:00 PM
There once was a girl named Lenore
Who wanted to become a whore
She met some Marines,
Let them into her jeans
Now she's full of esprit de corps.

MichaelEmouse
03-17-2013, 07:04 PM
Since today is St Patrick's Day:

There once was a man from Limerick
Who bemoaned the bad luck of the Mick
A stout and fistfight
are no use for this blight
Against George's snakes where's St. Patrick?!

Mean Mr. Mustard
03-17-2013, 08:21 PM
A rancher who never meant harm
had a penis as long as an arm
All the women screamed 'freak'
But his cows could not speak
Thus I never drink milk from his farm

the O
03-17-2013, 11:50 PM
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier
'Til a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier

Enright3
03-17-2013, 11:54 PM
there was an old man from darjeeling
on a train ride from london to ealing
the sign on the door
said don't spit on the floor
so he carefully spat on the ceiling

there once was a man from Wheeling
Who did a great deal of dealing
He read on the door,
"Don't spit on the floor"
So he jumped up and spat on the ceiling.

AaronX
03-18-2013, 05:50 AM
I like:

A preoccupied vegan named Hugh
picked up the wrong sandwich to chew.
He took a big bite
before spitting, in fright,
"OMG, WTF, BBQ!"

Stanislaus
03-18-2013, 08:30 AM
Maths, and also philosophy:

Bishop Berkeley suggested that "God
Must find it exceedingly odd
To see that this tree
Continues to be
When there's no-one about in the quad."

"Dear Sir,
your astonishment's odd,
I am always about in the quad
And that's why the tree
Continues to be,
Observed by,
yours faithfully,
God."

terentii
03-19-2013, 11:14 PM
There was a young man from Racine
who invented a fucking machine.
Concave and convex,
it could serve either sex
and anything else in between!

There was a young man from Madras
whose testes were fashioned of brass.
When he clanged them together
they'd play "Stormy Weather"
and lightning shot out of his ass!

terentii
03-19-2013, 11:17 PM
A knight named Sir Christopher Palmer
sold his gear to a young Chinese farmer.
When he heard about this,
King Arthur said "Chris,
I hear there's a Chink in your armor!"

Colophon
03-20-2013, 10:14 AM
A topical one, because, well, why not?

The Vatican gives us new hope:
White smoke means an incoming pope
Jorge is now Francis
But what are the chances
He'll turn out to like the odd grope?


And another (well it was topical a month ago!)

A petrified Russian named Boris
Yelled "What's that? It's headed right for us!
Looks rather like
A meteor strike
Won't somebody send for Chuck Norris!"

Cryptic C62
03-20-2013, 10:25 AM
An original:

There once was a man from Cologne
Whose mouth had a mind of its own
He frets and frets
That he's got Tourette's
SHIT DICK FUCK BALLS

vontsira
03-20-2013, 12:17 PM
A highly-condensed version of the "Seven Ages of Man" speech from "As You Like It" --

Seven ages: first puking and mewling,
Then very pissed-off with his schooling,
Then fucks, and then fights,
Then judging chaps' rights,
Then sitting in slippers, then drooling.

hogarth
03-20-2013, 02:46 PM
(Most of my favourites have been listed in various forms.)

A sailor whose name was McFee
Would spoonerize to a degree
Instead of "Weigh anchor!"
He'd shout out "A wanker!"
And he'd say that his name was FcMee.

There once was a lady from Devon
Who was raped in a garden by seven
High Anglican priests
Lascivious beasts!
Of such is the kingdom of heaven...

Gary Robson
03-21-2013, 01:02 AM
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were caught, so what could they do?
"Let us fly" said the flea,
Said the fly, "Let us flee"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Malacandra
03-21-2013, 02:56 AM
A highly-condensed version of the "Seven Ages of Man" speech from "As You Like It" --

Seven ages: first puking and mewling,
Then very pissed-off with his schooling,
Then fucks, and then fights,
Then judging chaps' rights,
Then sitting in slippers, then drooling.

Very good! :D

vontsira
03-21-2013, 07:35 AM
Very good! :D

Attributed, I think, to the late British author Kingsley Amis.

Colophon
03-21-2013, 10:34 AM
I always like the ones that play on spelling pecularities:

There was a young lassie named Menzies
Who said, "Do ye know what this thenzies?"
Said her aunt wi'a gasp
"My lass, that's a wasp
And you're holding the end where the stenzies!"


The very refined Lady Cholmondely
Was both well-to-do and quite colmondely
But she found introductions
Quite major productions
Because of that name spelled so rolmondely.


Here's one I just made up:

There once was a fellow named St. John,
Who went to Bombay with an t. John
He said, "Tell you what
It's frightfully hot""
Said the t. John, "St. John, stop your wht. John!"


It's been done before, and a lot better, as:

There was a young student of St. Bartholomews
Whose car went by fits and by St. Startholomews
Till a fewllow named St. John
Examined the t. John
And fitted it out with spare St. Partholomews.


(you can probably figure out how St Bartholomews is pronounced...)

Snickers
03-21-2013, 02:39 PM
There was a young man from Racine
who invented a fucking machine.
Concave and convex,
it could serve either sex
and anything else in between!


Alternate last line: But man, what a bitch to clean!

Intergalactic Gladiator
03-21-2013, 02:43 PM
There once was a man from the sticks
Who loved to write limericks
But he gave up the sport
Because he wrote them too short

The Hamster King
03-21-2013, 04:27 PM
There was a young lady from Pittwood
Who had trouble controlling her shit good.
She'd leave small deposits
In corners and closets
Much as a small pup or kit would.

And my favorites from Edward Gorey:

Augustus, for splashing his soup,
Was put for the night on the stoop;
In the morning he'd not
Repented a jot,
And next day he was dead of the croup.

To his club-footed child said Lord Stipple,
As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
"Your mother's behaviour
Gave pain to our Saviour,
And that's why He made you a cripple."

Baron Skinley Von Clipper
03-21-2013, 05:40 PM
There was a young man from Kent
Whose penis was terribly bent.
To save himself trouble, He put it in double.
And rather than coming he went.

vontsira
03-22-2013, 05:18 PM
I always like the ones that play on spelling pecularities:

There was a young lassie named Menzies
Who said, "Do ye know what this thenzies?"
Said her aunt wi'a gasp
"My lass, that's a wasp
And you're holding the end where the stenzies!"


The very refined Lady Cholmondely
Was both well-to-do and quite colmondely
But she found introductions
Quite major productions
Because of that name spelled so rolmondely.


Here's one I just made up:

There once was a fellow named St. John,
Who went to Bombay with an t. John
He said, "Tell you what
It's frightfully hot""
Said the t. John, "St. John, stop your wht. John!"


It's been done before, and a lot better, as:

There was a young student of St. Bartholomews
Whose car went by fits and by St. Startholomews
Till a fewllow named St. John
Examined the t. John
And fitted it out with spare St. Partholomews.


(you can probably figure out how St Bartholomews is pronounced...)

Another in this strain (British-English name-related weirdness). I'll explain -- though with all the sharp characters on this board, that could well be needless:

The city of Salisbury (Wiltshire, England) is sometimes referred to by the alternative name of Sarum -- that of the one-time Roman city a couple of miles away. The next-door county of Hampshire sometimes has its name abbreviated to "Hants."

There was a young curate of Salisbury
Whose manners were quite halisbury-scalisbury.
He ran around Hampshire
Without any pampshire,
Till his bishop compelled him to walisbury.

vontsira
03-22-2013, 05:29 PM
Another English-name-weirdie (can't resist). About the village of Hautbois in Norfolk (pronounced "Hobbis").

A robber named Robert from Hautbois:
Now burgling rich houses his jautbois.
Through windows he wangles
At improbable angles;
A most rubbery robber our Bautbois.

Malacandra
03-23-2013, 04:40 AM
All right, let's try this (based on fact):

The dirty old Rector of Stiffkey
Was overly fond of the niffkey;
His bizarre means of dyin':
He was ate by a lion,
Which - you'd never get odds from the biffkey.

In similar vein:

There was a young student of Caius
Who whizzed down the slopes on his skaius;
But a Fellow of Magdalen
Said "I prefer dagdalen -
"I've got where I am by degraius".


(Stookie, Keys, Mawdlin, respectively)

vontsira
03-23-2013, 12:35 PM
And further on the Fellows-of-Oxford-and-Cambridge-colleges theme (though not on the spelling one):

There was a young Fellow Of Wadham
Who asked for a ticket to Sodom.
Said the clerk, "We prefer
Not to issue them, sir" --
He said, "Don't call me Sir, call me Modom."

DLuxN8R-13
03-23-2013, 02:01 PM
A needle-dicked freak ran amuck
Tried to bugger a canvas-back duck
His needle got stuck
And he cried "What the fuck?
What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?"

vontsira
03-23-2013, 03:33 PM
For a bit of contrast -- an ostensibly "clean" one:

Wanting children, a couple once sat
For a course on how they were begat.
When the doctor expounded
They sat there dumbfounded,
And said they could never do THAT.

Damfino
03-23-2013, 05:57 PM
Another spelling one from Asimov

(As far as memory serves...)

You can't call the British Queen Ms.
Tain 't as nice as Elizabeth is
But i think that the Queen
Would be even less keen
To be addressed as Ls .

Yeticus Rex
03-25-2013, 07:12 PM
There was a Newbie named Elwell
Who couldn't let old threads sit well
So he conjured a witty post
That resurrected a ghost
And created a place for zombies to dwell.

(well.....someone had to do it!);)

Hari Seldon
03-26-2013, 10:04 AM
There was once a young queer in Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room
But they spent the whole night
In a terrible fight
Over who should do what and to whom

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Said there is one thing I do know
A girl is just fine
A sheep is divine
But a llama is numero uno

Dragwyr
03-26-2013, 10:31 AM
Here's mine:


1,264,853,971.2758463


One Billion Two Hundred and Sixty
Four Million Eight Hundred and Fifty-
Three Thousand Nine Hun-
dred and Seventy One
Point Two Seven Five Eight Four Six Three.

Boulter's Canary
03-26-2013, 06:38 PM
W S Gilbert (allegedly):

There was an old man of St. Bees,
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp,
When asked, "Does it hurt?"
He replied, "No, it doesn't,
I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet."

Spike Milligan and/or Peter Sellars:

There was a young man from Cathay
On a slow boat to China one day
Was trapped near the tiller
By a sex-crazed gorilla
And China's a bloody long way

Olentzero
03-27-2013, 06:03 AM
An exchange on another message board, involving two I composed:

ME. The limerick's a hard form to master.
If composing, go slower, not faster!
I mean, take your time
With the meter and rhyme
Else your efforts will meet with disaster.

OTHER DUDE. That was pretty excellent, Skinner. You are such a cunning linguist.

ME. "A linguist so cunning," said she,
"Is of no little interest to me."
"I can do maths, to boot -
So what say we compute
207 3?"

Max Torque
03-27-2013, 10:27 AM
I've been carrying this one around in my head for about 30 years. From a book starring the Muppets:

There was a magician named Gonzo,
Whose fame was known all over,
Yet his stunts fell flat
Every time that he tried
And his limericks don't rhyme either.

Hari Seldon
03-28-2013, 08:44 AM
Here's one of my favorites:

There was a young student of John's
Who was trying to bugger the swans.
'Oh no', said the porter,
'Please take my young daughter.
The swans are reserved for the Dons'.

and then a G-rated one from my wife

The reverend Henry Ward Beecher*
called the hen a most elegant creature
The hen, hearing that
Laid an egg in his hat
And thus did the hen reward Beecher

*Well-known 19th century abolitionist and father of Uncle Tom's Cabin author Harriet Beecher Stowe.

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