View Full Version : Side effects may include...

04-19-2001, 08:27 AM
We've all seen the commercials for those allergy drugs and whatnot that seem to cause more side effects than what they actually cure. "May cause nausea, dry-mouth, head-ache, etc..." To any extent, our humor in the office this morning is everyone coming up with a list of potential side effects for our imaginary drug...

May cause...

Inability to breathe
Temporary tooth loss (Think about it)
Severe anal bleeding
Complete collapse of civilization
Puppy kicking

Those are the funniest on our list so far... what can you come up with?

04-19-2001, 08:31 AM
testicular inversion
inner-ear euphoria
olfactory hallucinations
toe jam

I'd like to go on record as stating that "Puppy kicking" is not funny

Mr. Cynical
04-19-2001, 08:49 AM
What does the imaginary drug cure? That will help my imagination.

04-19-2001, 09:03 AM
Try these:
rectal-cranial inversion
toe jam football
minor blindness
slight cardiac arrhythmia
a touch of rigor

Mr. Cynical
04-19-2001, 09:11 AM
Spontaneous Ejaculation
Idiopathic Colitis
Ramndo Dylseixa
Sticky Wicket
Bee's Knees

04-19-2001, 09:30 AM
Excessive belly button lint

04-19-2001, 12:50 PM
excessive nasal mucous
sudden and unexplained onset of cursing in baby voice
eye farts
appearance of extra digits (hands/feet)
uncontrollable obsession with Liberace
swallowing of tongue
intermittent ignorance

04-19-2001, 01:10 PM
Inability to work.

04-19-2001, 01:40 PM
What I love are ads that say something to the effect of:

"If you suffer from gastrointestinal problems, you should consult your doctor about gastron. Side effects may include diarrhea, heartburn, upset stomach and other gastrointestinal problems. Results similar to that of sugar pill."

Okay, they want me to take something that causes gastrointestinal problems to relieve gastrointestinal problems?! And how does a placebo give someone diarrhea?! Ya just gotta love the pharmaceutical industry.

04-19-2001, 02:25 PM
My favorite actual side effect...

"May cause permanent loss of brain function."


04-19-2001, 02:52 PM
People who are allergic to Imaginary Drug should not take Imaginary Drug. For more information, see our ad in Obscure Magazine.

04-19-2001, 03:19 PM
Skeletal Muscle Relaxation
Acute Hyperphasia
Liberal Gynoperception (or Androperception in women)
Public Micturation
Unwanted Pregnancy
Reverse Peristalsis
Rotary Supination
Acute Amnesia
Auroral Hypersensitivity

Name that drug!

04-19-2001, 03:25 PM

04-19-2001, 10:13 PM
May cause Tourette's syndrome, deja vu, deja vu, deja vu, ejection of the heart from the body, spontanious combustion, growth of extra body parts, Elvis Presley syndrome (deep, Southern voice and invouluntary swiveling of the hips), and/or Emperor Palaptine's syndrome (discharge of lighting bolts from the fingers).

04-20-2001, 12:16 AM
May cause...

Speaking in a foreign language
Appearance of new religions
Abduction by aliens
Soreness in hair
Loss of ability to use the internet

Do not use if allergic to air, water, or placebos.

Consult your doctor if you drive a red car or voted for George W. Bush.

04-20-2001, 12:25 AM
may cause:

-projectile vomiting
-projectile bleeding
-delusions of grandeur
-liking the kazoo
-spontaneous growth of nose hair
-odd food cravings
-internal cellular breakdown and bleeding similar to that caused by the Ebola virus
-the ability to attain buddhahood while bypassing the steps to Nirvana

04-20-2001, 12:29 AM
Genital Blating.

04-20-2001, 12:34 AM
May cause Double Posting

04-20-2001, 12:38 AM
"May cause stigmata in Mexicans."

The above was stolen from "Side Effects," a hilarious piece in his book Pure Drivel (http://amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0786864672/o/qid=987745019/sr=2-2/002-5628938-0698411) about this very subject. You should make tracks for the bookstore and purchase it post-haste; it's one of the few times I've trul LOLed at a book.

04-20-2001, 01:19 AM
Steve Martin devoted a chapter to this idea in his wonderfully funny book Pure Drivel.

Badtz Maru
04-20-2001, 02:51 AM
The Onion had a list of humorous drug side-effects a couple of months ago. My favorite? "Highness"

04-20-2001, 07:50 AM
Originally posted by Nen
Okay, they want me to take something that causes gastrointestinal problems to relieve gastrointestinal problems?!
The key word there is may. I doubt there is a medicine out there that works for all people, and some will have the opposite of the intended effect. Certainly if the medicine is making you worse, you want to tell the doctor.

And how does a placebo give someone diarrhea?!
People who are in drug tests don't magically stop having the normal problems of day to day living. That means that during the test, the subjects may get colds, the flu, headaches, mild food poisoning, etc. Some of them may already be prone to things like diarrhea. Also, medical problems aren't static - a problem or disease will get better or get worse on its own. But they have to report any symptom that happens, so that effectiveness and side effects can be determined. This is one of the reasons for a double-blind study, to filter out the effects of the drug from the effects of everyday life.

04-20-2001, 07:59 AM
Soreness in hair.

Bwa hahahahahahah! <snort> :D

That was hilarious... Earl Grey coming out of your nose at 8 in the morning is pretty funny too. ;)

04-20-2001, 10:41 AM
Zyada, I'm actually quite aware of the details you brought to light, and I thank you for the edification, but I just find that type of thing so damn amusing.

04-20-2001, 12:11 PM
I consulted my pharmaceutical expert (Jason, the newly graduated pharmacy tech over at Wal-Mart) and found out about a few more potential side effects:

oozing (generalized)
vague sensation of being alive
all-consuming evil thoughts and deeds
90 degree angular defect in penis
fervent punctuality
vociferous syndrome, type 2 (non-gregarious)
feeling better than you ever thought you could (the drug boys really hate that one)
inability to identify Coke vs. Pepsi

04-21-2001, 12:41 AM
Originally posted by Simetra
Earl Grey coming out of your nose at 8 in the morning is pretty funny too.

Is that another one of the side effects? *innocent look*

How about:
"Side effects may include the desire to watch Mary Kate and Ashley videos."

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