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View Full Version : Good humor unmasked: What jokes didn't you get at first?


choosybeggar
04-22-2001, 01:00 AM
I heard this the first time as a kid and just didn't get it.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

pepperlandgirl
04-22-2001, 01:13 AM
What do you call a Chinese woman with one arm and one leg?

Irene


I didn't get that one for years, and then when I realized it was a racist joke, I was shocked. It makes me wonder if all the kids laughing at it knew what they were laughing for...and who they heard it from...

Fionn
04-22-2001, 11:06 AM
Two nuns are taking a bath. One says "Where's the soap?"
The other replies "Doesn't it?"

I heard this in a group of three people, and it took all of us plus the joke-teller's explanation to get the pun involved. Not really worth the effort.

Freudian Slit
04-22-2001, 12:11 PM
Where's the soap? Okay now I don't get it...help...

As for jokes I didn't get at first...um...

I'll get back to you on that one...

drpepper
04-22-2001, 03:24 PM
I don't get that one either. I don't mind being the bozo who asks "please explain".

Also that one that's in a sig here on the boards... something about a Discordian parrot pining for the fnords? I don't get that one either, but I'm betting it's REALLY CEREBRAL.

jayjay
04-22-2001, 03:45 PM
Originally posted by drpepper
I don't get that one either. I don't mind being the bozo who asks "please explain".

Also that one that's in a sig here on the boards... something about a Discordian parrot pining for the fnords? I don't get that one either, but I'm betting it's REALLY CEREBRAL.

Not really! :)

I'm going to deconstruct my sig, which will, as with all humor, completely destroy the joke, but that's the kind of sacrifice I'm willing to make for the sake of my fellow Dopers.

Take one (1) Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch, which includes the lines "It's a Norwegian Blue...'e's pining for the fjords..."

Extract one (1) nonsense/mystery/buzzword from the Greater Church of Eris (Discordian), to wit, "fnord"

Combine said sketch and said buzzword and reveal...ta da!

StephenG
04-22-2001, 06:07 PM
Two nuns are taking a bath. One says "Where's the soap?" The other replies "Doesn't it?"

It took me a really long time to get this, even after it was explained to me...

The first nun says "Where's the soap?", but the second nun hears "Wears the soap?", to which she agrees. See, she thinks the first nun is using the soap for mastabatory purposes, and it's wearing the soap down. So, she's saying "[Masturbation with the soap] wears the soap", or at least that's what the other nun thinks...

drpepper
04-22-2001, 07:06 PM
Ah, got it. Thank you, thank you, jayjay and StephenG. Jayjay, far from destroying the joke, I now know an "in" that I didn't know before. And that nun one would have taken me ages to figure out! It's actually pretty funny.

xizor
04-23-2001, 11:12 AM
Q: Why is Santa so fat?
A: He only comes once a year.

I heard this joke about 5 times before someone explained to me that come has 2 meanings.

Fretful Porpentine
04-23-2001, 01:48 PM
Ooh, y'all are going to hate me for this one:

A couple of British tourists are mountain-climbing in the Rockies. They stop to admire a pair of majestic birds circling in the sky. Unfortunately they don't notice the boulder rolling down the side of the mountain. They are killed instantly and their souls ascend into heaven.

As they pass the birds, one of the souls notices that they are in fact bald eagles. "Ah," he remarks to his companion. "Eagles."

But the eagles, who had been properly brought up, said nothing.

(You'll know when you get it. Took me about two days.)

FriendRob
04-23-2001, 03:29 PM
When I was growing up my dad told lots of jokes which I (and everyone else, usually) didn't get and had to have explained. Some were better than others. Example: Two brothers were starting a ranch and were trying to find a name for it, so they called their father.

"That's easy," he said, "call it Focus".

"OK," they answered, "but why?"

"Because it's where the sons raise meat."

The next one is a true story (warning: potentially racially offensive material): Dad was working with some inner-city kids in some sort of sports program. He saw two boys sitting on the curb, one white and one black. The white boy picks his nose, holds out his finger and says "Wow, look at that booger!" The black boy responds, "Them's not boogers, them's G-men!"

Ethilrist
04-23-2001, 04:01 PM
When I was about four years old, my older brother gave me this riddle:

Q: How do you get down off an elephant?
A: You don't. You get down off a goose.

I was confused. I didn't get it. What did people at the circus do when they were done riding the elephants? Did they use the geese as stepladders? Wouldn't that hurt the geese?

YEARS later, a friend of mine was wearing a new jacket. He said it had goosedown in it. Hmm... goose... down... AAARRGH!

heembo
04-23-2001, 07:49 PM
A termite walks into a restaurant and asks "Is the bartender here?"

I don't get the eagles one.

Katisha
04-23-2001, 09:43 PM
I think the point of the eagles one is that since the eagles are properly brought up, they don't say anything if they have nothing nice to say, and thus don't point out that the deceased tourists are British. (Mind you, there's nothing wrong with being British as far as I'm concerned...)

Here's one I sometimes tell that tends to mystify people for some reason:

Q. How do you steam a clam?
A. Make fun of its religion.

Fretful Porpentine
04-23-2001, 10:01 PM
Nope, not quite. I was tempted to leave this one as an exercise for the reader, but that would be cruel. So here are some hints (more to come if needed):

1) There's a play on words involved. It works better when one of the words in question is spoken with a British accent.

2) The eagles, as noted, don't say anything if they have nothing nice to say.

3) Think about what they would say if they were to respond in kind.

Heh, heh...

Sofa King
04-23-2001, 10:27 PM
Eagles... eagles... 'ea gulls? Hmmm. Don't know.

My very UserName is the one that caused me the most embarassment. Provided hours of enjoyment at a party one night:

I am Sofa King we Todd did.

Now, I believe my record speaks for itself.

Katisha
04-23-2001, 10:30 PM
Damn, now I'm going to be up all night trying to figure that one out...

Oh, wait! Does it have something to do with the fact that "Eagles" sounds vaguely like "Eh, girls" if spoken with just the right accent, suggesting that the eagles think the Brits are gay?

(BTW, I love the handle Fretful Porpentine... :D)

Dragon Phoenix
04-24-2001, 12:21 AM
I get the one about the eagles, but...

What do you call a Chinese woman with one arm and one leg?

Irene


I can make head nor tails of this one.... :(

choosybeggar
04-24-2001, 12:34 AM
Originally posted by Dragon Phoenix
I get the one about the eagles, but...

What do you call a Chinese woman with one arm and one leg?

Irene


I can make head nor tails of this one.... :(

Chinese accented english turns "l" into "r." So "I lean" is pronounced "I rean" or "Irene."

choosybeggar
04-24-2001, 12:36 AM
Originally posted by Sofa King
Eagles... eagles... 'ea gulls? Hmmm. Don't know.

My very UserName is the one that caused me the most embarassment. Provided hours of enjoyment at a party one night:

I am Sofa King we Todd did.

Now, I believe my record speaks for itself.

You aren't all that Sofa King we Todd did. :)

Dragon Phoenix
04-24-2001, 12:53 AM
Thanks Choosybeggar. In that case, the joke is not "just" racist, but it also sucks. Chinese have problems pronouncing the R (usually it comes out a little more like an L), it is the Japanese who have problems pronouncing the L (it becomes more like an R). Having a Chinese wife and several Chinese employers, and dealing frequently with Japanese customers, you can trust me on this.

exchicagoan
04-24-2001, 12:59 AM
Originally posted by Fretful Porpentine
Ooh, y'all are going to hate me for this one:

A couple of British tourists are mountain-climbing in the Rockies. They stop to admire a pair of majestic birds circling in the sky. Unfortunately they don't notice the boulder rolling down the side of the mountain. They are killed instantly and their souls ascend into heaven.

As they pass the birds, one of the souls notices that they are in fact bald eagles. "Ah," he remarks to his companion. "Eagles."

But the eagles, who had been properly brought up, said nothing.

(You'll know when you get it. Took me about two days.)

AH SOULS (assholes)??? If THAT'S it, I still don't get it. What does being British have to do with anything? Or is that one of those that get changed to whatever race/religion/nationality/gender you want to put down?

Mine---

"Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself"?

Katisha
04-24-2001, 01:08 AM
I think the "assholes" thing is the right answer...thanks for pointing it out...

Fretful Porpentine
04-24-2001, 11:04 AM
Yep, ex-Chicagoan's got it, and pretty quickly, all things considered. (They are British because most Americans, presumably, would hear the difference. No particular national put-downs intended.)

jsc1953
04-24-2001, 12:30 PM
While in high school, a group of classmates (not friends) told me the following:

"Sit here on this wall. You're a hunter...and you've shot a rabbit. You've got the rabbit in your lap...but you notice it's not dead. So you take your knife, and stab it (begin pantomime). Stab it again. And again,....faster, faster. Har har har har..."

Not having indulged in the practice (yet), it took me about 20 years to figure out that I was doing a masturbation pantomime. Good one, guys.

jsc1953
04-24-2001, 12:37 PM
Originally posted by choosybeggar
Originally posted by Dragon Phoenix
I get the one about the eagles, but...

What do you call a Chinese woman with one arm and one leg?

Irene


I can make head nor tails of this one.... :(

Chinese accented english turns "l" into "r." So "I lean" is pronounced "I rean" or "Irene."

I've always heard this as the second half of "what do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen". Easier to decipher that way.

(part of the same ilk as "...no arms & legs at your door? Matt" "...in a swimming pool? Bob" "...in a hot tub? Stu")

Yersinia Pestis
04-25-2001, 12:22 AM
I'd like to go to Holland, wouldn't you?

This took me about two weeks to get, but (eight years later) it still makes me giggle.

Man from Mars
04-25-2001, 09:54 PM
There is an exhibition of Charles Addams cartoons on display on the third floor of the New York Public Library on 42nd Street (the one with the two lions out front). One cartoon, from the November 7, 1970 issue of The New Yorker magazine shows a hunter, with his trusty dog by his side, looking at two short, round-bodied identical twins. The caption says, "Goodness no! Our names are Bob and Frank Finley." One of the twin's mouth is open and so it is clear that he is speaking. Apparently he is answering a question posed by the hunter (or maybe not). I don't get it. I've tried, ever since I first laid eyes on it, to try to understand but the meaning escapes me.

I have tried to find a copy of this cartoon to link here, everywhere from the New Yorker magazine website to the website of the New York Public library but have come up empty.

jayjay
04-25-2001, 10:56 PM
Originally posted by Tony
There is an exhibition of Charles Addams cartoons on display on the third floor of the New York Public Library on 42nd Street (the one with the two lions out front). One cartoon, from the November 7, 1970 issue of The New Yorker magazine shows a hunter, with his trusty dog by his side, looking at two short, round-bodied identical twins. The caption says, "Goodness no! Our names are Bob and Frank Finley." One of the twin's mouth is open and so it is clear that he is speaking. Apparently he is answering a question posed by the hunter (or maybe not). I don't get it. I've tried, ever since I first laid eyes on it, to try to understand but the meaning escapes me.

I have tried to find a copy of this cartoon to link here, everywhere from the New Yorker magazine website to the website of the New York Public library but have come up empty.

Reference to Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee (http://bygosh.com/MotherGoose/tweedle.htm) from Through the Looking Glass?

jayjay

Hokienautic
04-26-2001, 08:06 AM
Just to complete the triumverate of jokes as I heard them ...

Where do our good friends Eileen and Irene work?

At the IHOP. :D

heembo
04-26-2001, 10:01 AM
I'd like to go to Holland, wouldn't you?

This took me about two weeks to get, but (eight years later) it still makes me giggle.
****************************************************


Any one figure this out? I am stumped...

jsc1953
04-26-2001, 10:07 AM
Originally posted by jayjay
Originally posted by Tony
There is an exhibition of Charles Addams cartoons on display on the third floor of the New York Public Library on 42nd Street (the one with the two lions out front). One cartoon, from the November 7, 1970 issue of The New Yorker magazine shows a hunter, with his trusty dog by his side, looking at two short, round-bodied identical twins. The caption says, "Goodness no! Our names are Bob and Frank Finley." One of the twin's mouth is open and so it is clear that he is speaking. Apparently he is answering a question posed by the hunter (or maybe not). I don't get it. I've tried, ever since I first laid eyes on it, to try to understand but the meaning escapes me.

I have tried to find a copy of this cartoon to link here, everywhere from the New Yorker magazine website to the website of the New York Public library but have come up empty.

Reference to Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee (http://bygosh.com/MotherGoose/tweedle.htm) from Through the Looking Glass?

jayjay

Sounds quite plausible--but why a hunter?

Charles Addams was great, and sometimes subtle. My favorite was a scene in a patent office, where the patent officer is holding a ray-gun out his office window, and complaining to the inventor: " 'Death Ray', fiddlesticks: it doesn't even slow them down."

Yersinia Pestis
04-26-2001, 12:57 PM
Originally posted by heembo
I'd like to go to Holland, wouldn't you?

This took me about two weeks to get, but (eight years later) it still makes me giggle.
****************************************************


Any one figure this out? I am stumped...

Think of an article of apparel associated with the Dutch...

HerMajestyLorna
04-26-2001, 07:13 PM
Okay, I dont get the Holland one even with the clothing help....
:(

heembo
04-26-2001, 07:25 PM
I'd like to go to Holland, wouldn't you?
*******************
Is it supposed to sound like "I'd like to go to Hell in wooden shoes"?

If not, I give up...

Ivan-Osokin
04-26-2001, 07:52 PM
First things first - I'm a redhead.

My parents and brother all have brown hair. As such, the number of times I was asked "Where did you get that *lovely* red hair?" during my childhood cannot be counted. (From a grandmother, for those that care.)

Anytime my parents had company over, the question would be asked as soon as I entered the room. My mother's invariable answer - "Oh, from the milkman..." Wink, wink, etc.

I never actually believed that myself, but certainly didn't understand the implication either.

Eventually the question was asked and I threw out the answer myself, only to see my mother run from the room and my father nearly fall over, laughing hysterically. Probably confused the hell out of the company.

Didn't figure out what had actually happened for years.

Hamadryad
04-26-2001, 09:20 PM
I used to listen to Steve Martin's "Wild & Crazy Guy" LP over and over when I was young. We're talking, like, 8 years young.

I got most of the jokes, but there's a routine in which he's talking about a female friend of his and her perverted voice instructor: "He wanted her to sing...from her DIAPHRAGM! I mean, that would take YEARS to learn!"

Okay. So I knew what THE diaphragm was, but I had no idea whatsoever that there was also a contraceptive called a diaphragm. I couldn't figure out why the hell the audience was laughing so hard.

I didn't listen to it for a few years...and next time I did, it was as though a blinding light had gone off in my head. "Sing...from her DIAPHRAGM...holy cow, that IS funny."

And it would definitely take years to learn, phew!

Seraphim
04-26-2001, 09:23 PM
If it's any consolation, jsc1953, I fell for that pantomine joke too, only the creature in question was a rabid cat. 'Course, I could appreciate the humor when I figured it out a couple years later....


Here's one I heard as a child that stumped me at the time:

Q: What is spelled with a hymen?
A: Maiden-head.

Wasn't until high school when I noodled that one out, and GROANED.

Yersinia Pestis
04-26-2001, 09:27 PM
Originally posted by heembo
I'd like to go to Holland, wouldn't you?
*******************
Is it supposed to sound like "I'd like to go to Hell in wooden shoes"?

If not, I give up...

Close enough. "I'd like to go to Holland, wooden shoe." Kind of a non sequitur. I just like to say it to myself and giggle. A friend tried to trump me with "Jeeze/Cheese, I'd like to go to Switzerland," but I hope you'll agree with me that that's worse.

Seraphim
04-26-2001, 09:32 PM
Just thought of another my sadistic classmates liked to tell to the uninitiated:

Two monkeys are taking a bath together.
Says one, "Please pass the soap."
The other replies, "What, me? I'm not a typewriter!"

Followed by a round of loud guffawing. Sigh...kids can be so cruel.

jsc1953
04-27-2001, 10:00 AM
Originally posted by Seraphim
Just thought of another my sadistic classmates liked to tell to the uninitiated:

Two monkeys are taking a bath together.
Says one, "Please pass the soap."
The other replies, "What, me? I'm not a typewriter!"

Followed by a round of loud guffawing. Sigh...kids can be so cruel.

Here we go again....I dontgeddit...:(

cornflakes
04-27-2001, 11:11 PM
Originally posted by Sofa King
I am Sofa King we Todd did.

Now, I believe my record speaks for itself. [/B]
Better to have Aussies mention the phrase "Whale oil beef hooked!"

exchicagoan
04-28-2001, 12:22 AM
Originally posted by Hamadryad

Okay. So I knew what THE diaphragm was, but I had no idea whatsoever that there was also a contraceptive called a diaphragm.
And it would definitely take years to learn, phew!

Reminds me of my sophomore year in HS. In study hall, reading MAILER'S, THE NAKED AND THE DEAD. Sex scene. The guy is saying, he "can feel her diaphragm". Whaaat??? "Psst--Janie? Where's yer diaphragm". Ponders--then pats just above her waist----

JESUS H CHRIST!!!!!!

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