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Otto
11-08-2001, 03:08 AM
A post in this thread (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=97593) reminded me of a thread I was wnting to start. I need some new "dumb as a" expressions. The classics are of course "dumb as a bag of hammers" and "dumb as a box of rocks" (or "box of hair" as an alternate). But I need some new ones.

So far the best among several lame attempts is "dumb as a suitcase full of hats." I know y'all can do better than that. Little help?

Genseric
11-08-2001, 03:48 AM
Trying to avoid the "s dumb as a (container) of (objects)" the only thing I can come up with is "As dumb as a walrus BASE jumping without a parachute."

How about "As dumb as a star of popular TV show leaving it to pursue a career making intermittent and uniformly terrible films." Too unwieldy?

longjohn
11-08-2001, 06:07 AM
not quite in the same form:

"not the sharpest tool in the box"

or

"not the brightest bulb in the hallway"

DAVEW0071
11-08-2001, 07:10 AM
As dumb as a dumb person doing something really...dumb.

flodnak
11-08-2001, 08:17 AM
As dumb as a quilted bikini.
As dumb as a handle on a bowling ball.
As dumb as a leather parachute.
As dumb as a tap dancer in a minefield.

plnnr
11-08-2001, 08:18 AM
Dumb as a stump.

Ethilrist
11-08-2001, 08:19 AM
That boy's about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice.

galen ubal
11-08-2001, 08:57 AM
dumb as a teenager in a whorehouse
sharp as a ball peen hammer
the shortest crayon in the box
"too dumb to pour piss out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel" Lyndon Johnson

Ayesha
11-08-2001, 09:53 AM
Dumb as a fence post.

Not really a dumb as but I like *as useless as tits on a boar hog too.*

annalamerino
11-08-2001, 10:00 AM
Dumb as a box of mimes. (Playing on "dumb" also meaning mute)(And the fact that mimes love that dumb air-box)

kunilou
11-08-2001, 10:02 AM
Dumb as a screen door on a submarine (It alliterates better as "stupid as a screen door. . .")

Dumb as a brick wall and twice as funny

Dumb as a Ken doll in a porn film

uberDave
11-08-2001, 10:11 AM
Not a 'dumb as' but feel free to use this as necessary...
"tighter than a preacher's cock in a heffers ass".

Works well when removing nails or unscrewing the lid on the pickle jar. :D


Dave

scout1222
11-08-2001, 10:39 AM
Then of course you have the "(blank) short of a (blank)" series:

2 tacos short of a combination plate
2 beers short of a six pack
a sandwich short of a picnic

and so on...

lieu
11-08-2001, 10:44 AM
[Beavis voice]
Heh heh,
you said box of hair.
Heh heh.
[/Beavis voice]

Dumb as a push-up pop.
If dumb was dirt, he'd cover about an acre.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
He's 'bout as sharp as a mashed potato.
He's got an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt.
He's a french fry short of a Happy Meal.
If brains were gas,he couldn't drive a go-cart around a cheerio.

Gundy
11-08-2001, 10:48 AM
Dad always told me I was "dumber than a coalbucket". And then he'd tell me I "couldn't find my butt with both hands and a map". I love my Dad! (no, really!)

I personally like "daft as a brush".

Palve
11-08-2001, 11:04 AM
Sharp as a marble

Superdude
11-08-2001, 11:22 AM
Originally posted by Gundy
And then he'd tell me I "couldn't find my butt with both hands and a map".

My dad always used to say that some people "couldn't find their ass with both hands and a flashlight." I still use that one to this day

Eve
11-08-2001, 11:33 AM
Good Britishism: "thick as two short planks."

DaToad
11-08-2001, 12:03 PM
I heard this used a few years ago while in Arkansas:
"That boy's dumber than a turd in a bucket. If you shove his brain up a gnats ass, it will rattle like a BB in a box-car."

Dumber than a house plant.

Qadgop the Mercotan
11-08-2001, 12:38 PM
My favorite: Dumber than a ditch carp.

Mort Furd
11-08-2001, 02:12 PM
Too stupid to tell the difference betwenn his ass and a hole in the ground.

In comparison, I sometimes allow as how somebody can tell the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground, but that he does it by taste. As in:
"He can tell his butt from a hole in the ground, but he has to lick it first."

Cardinal
11-08-2001, 03:11 PM
"If cornflakes were ignorance, he'd be General Mills."

Hey, if you're going to steal, steal from the best.

GreatKingRat
11-08-2001, 03:24 PM
Knitting with only one needle.

One wave short of a shipwreck.

babydrln
11-08-2001, 07:08 PM
"Half a bubble off plumb." (Or just "half a bubble off")

"Doesn't know his ass from his elbow."

"A couple sandwiches shy of a picnic."

"One brick shy of a load."

"Can't tell thin sh** from wild honey."

"Dumber-n-dogsh**"

Not really along the exact same line, but someone once told me that the definition of "gross ignorance" was 144 Aggies. (Now I'm gonna have Texas A&M grads putting out hits on me! LOL) :D

Jodi
11-08-2001, 08:03 PM
He's so dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a shoe if the instructions were printed on the sole.

He's so dumb he flunked "Your Ass And A Hole In The Ground: A Comparative Study"

Dignan
11-08-2001, 08:43 PM
Your parents don't call you son because you're bright.

ultrafilter
11-08-2001, 08:49 PM
Originally posted by Superdude
Originally posted by Gundy
And then he'd tell me I "couldn't find my butt with both hands and a map".

My dad always used to say that some people "couldn't find their ass with both hands and a flashlight." I still use that one to this day

I've always given them the map, the flashlight, and both hands. My other favorite is "If brains were open flames, I'd feel comfortable sending you to the gas station."

Myrnalene
11-08-2001, 08:54 PM
A friend of mine one described herself as "not the brightest tool in the shed".

Smeghead
11-08-2001, 09:14 PM
Originally posted by GreatKingRat
Knitting with only one needle.

One wave short of a shipwreck.

QUEEEEEN!!!! :D

I've always been fond of "About as sharp as a bag of donuts."

bobjones
11-08-2001, 09:40 PM
As dumb as a...

not so bright rock.
retarted primate without thumbs.

Kat
11-08-2001, 10:14 PM
Go for simplicity. My standard is "dumber than fungus" or occasionally "dumb as a box of rocks."

Mona Lott
11-08-2001, 10:31 PM
My Dad used to say "If your brains were gas, you wouldnt have enough to power a piss ant's motorcycle around the rim of a dime."
He once told me that I was the only person in the world who could fuck up a wet dream. It's not so much that I'm a stupid person, just inept with mechanical things.

TN*hippie
11-08-2001, 10:51 PM
Dumb as a football bat.

The porch light's on, but nobody's home.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

He ain't eating with both chopsticks.


.
.
.
this one describes me well:


I got two brain cells left: one's a liar and the other's a fool.

OxyMoron
11-08-2001, 11:33 PM
I thought I'd invented one, but it's got lots of parents. I remember describing Dan Quayle as "Not the brightest bulb in the Senate chandelier."

If you blow on his ear, you can play his head like an ocarina.

The man's a violation of the laws of physics: total vacuum from the neck up.

I thought he should blow his brains out, so I gave him a Kleenex.

The only way you could make a thought cross his mind is if you wrote on ammo first.

Sweet 'Sota Girl
11-08-2001, 11:58 PM
Originally posted by kunilou
Dumb as a screen door on a submarine (It alliterates better as "stupid as a screen door. . .")

Dumb as a brick wall and twice as funny

Dumb as a Ken doll in a porn film


Incidentally, I was looking at Ken dolls the other day (Christmas shopping for a 3-year-old) and noticed that since Ken was never really anatomically correct (or at least not real graphic ~ thank heavens!) they are now making him with the design of "boxer-briefs" instead of just plain old "buck nekkid".

Sofa King
11-09-2001, 12:04 AM
Don't know shit from Shinola.

Don't ask that one to catch a bus.

Murphy's Lawyer

TN*hippie
11-09-2001, 12:46 AM
Can't walk and chew gum at the same time.

glass onion
11-09-2001, 09:19 AM
uberDave posted:

" Not a 'dumb as' but feel free to use this as necessary...
"tighter than a preacher's cock in a heffers ass".

Works well when removing nails or unscrewing the lid on the pickle jar. "

I have another one for tightness( either like nails, but better for saying someone is tight with their money )

"Tighter than a nun's cunt on sunday"

Scribble
11-09-2001, 12:23 PM
Here are a few expressions that I've heard and/or used to describe idiocy:

If he got any denser, light would bend in towards him.

Denser than a block of rebar.

Slower than a squished snail.

Smarter than a speeding bullet!

Has a room-temperature IQ.

Has a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingie that holds it together.

Has two neurons playing catch with a single acetlycholine molecule. (Biogeeks might be the only people who use that phrase.)

I used this expression once while I was talking about a particularly moronic person in one of my classes: "He's probably quite useful as a source of protein, but he certainly shouldn't be a student in this course."

And, speaking of idiocy, I should be heading off to my brain-dead statistics class...

Palve
11-09-2001, 12:31 PM
Originally posted by Scribble
Has two neurons playing catch with a single acetlycholine molecule. (Biogeeks might be the only people who use that phrase.)

That should be acetylcholine! Sheesh!

:D

rsa
11-09-2001, 12:46 PM
Dumb as a doorknob.

Chanteuse
11-09-2001, 12:54 PM
Originally posted by Gundy
Dad always told me I was "dumber than a coalbucket". And then he'd tell me I "couldn't find my butt with both hands and a map". I love my Dad! (no, really!)

I personally like "daft as a brush".

In our family, the expression was "both hands and a flashlight." Funny, isn't it what parents come up with? :)

Satchmo
11-09-2001, 07:09 PM
A classic one from Foghorn Leghorn:
"That boy's about as sharp as a mashed potato sandwich!"

SpectBrain
11-09-2001, 08:47 PM
...and another from the olde south:

You put his brain on the edge of a razor blade and it would look like a bb shot rolling down a four lane highway!

Dr. Rieux
11-09-2001, 10:37 PM
"He's only got two brain cells, and they aren't on speaking terms."

schplebordnik
11-09-2001, 11:04 PM
The wheel's still spinning, but the hamster's dead.

Dirty Earthworm
11-10-2001, 12:16 AM
So-and-so has the intelligence of a piece of toast.

Sharp as a bowling ball.

(S)he's so stupid, when (s)he walks into a room, the collective I.Q. drops.

If brains were candy, you'd have a lot of unhappy trick-or-treaters. (A Syko-ism, especially good for use arond Halloween.)

[Mr. Anderson (from Beavis and Butt-head)/]
That boy ain't right.
[/Mr. Anderson]

(Did I do the "other person's voice" thing right? It was my first time.)

-Syko

Little Nemo
11-10-2001, 01:45 AM
"So dumb he'd fall into a barrel of tits and come out sucking his thumb."

"So few brain cells, he knows them by name."

Or to describe someone who is physically attractive while mentally challenged:

"Nice cage. No bird."

Rushgeekgirl
11-10-2001, 02:26 AM
From my grandfather:

He ain't got the brains the good lord give a squirrel.

He don't know whether he's pitchin or catchin.

He's all vine and no 'taters.

Stupid as a stick and twice as ugly.

I sure do miss my Pawpaw! One time he was talking about a guy I was seeing. He said, "The only spark that boy's got is from the rocks crashing together in his skull."
And ya know, he was right.

Cougarfang
11-10-2001, 05:26 AM
dumb as a barnacle
(ask Wind Sorceress or Dragon Shadow...)

Fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.

don't make him/her think, it'll blow out his/her brains

Agent0069
11-10-2001, 01:24 PM
::"not the sharpest tool in the shed", followed closely by "not the sharpest knife in the drawer"

Michael Ellis
11-10-2001, 03:52 PM
As think as [James Joyce's] Ulyesses and half as intelligible.

His brain is like the South Boise Specticled Weasel Hawk -- non-existant.

Dumb as a porn star but with more natural ingrediants. (Think about it.)

Think eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain his long since departed. (Blackadder II)

donkeyoatey
11-11-2001, 02:05 PM
Originally posted by Ayesha
Dumb as a fence post.

Always said that as "dumb as a post."
(maybe even this one :))

flickerwolf
11-11-2001, 02:23 PM
The last post reminds me of an incident that happened some years ago. I was over at my friend Sarah's house and she had invited a bunch of people, including our close friend Eric. I was schmoozing around in her room with Eric and a few other people and I happened to pick up a book entitled "Things That Never Were". Meanwhile Eric had made a cheap joke about my studiousness that wasn't terribly funny...but then, I said aloud, in a drawl:
"'Things That Never Were', hmm.....now, lets see(flipping through book) ah yes.(Pointing at page)...ERIC'S BRAIN!"

'Twas funny. I dunno if it fits in with this thread or not but I assume you fellow Dopers will flame my socks off isf you judge it not to. Do your duty. ;)

TheOtherOne
11-11-2001, 06:44 PM
"If his brains were dynamite, it wouldn't be enough to blow off his hat"

"Truly unhampered by the ravages of an intellect."

"He's got two braincells left, and they're bouncing around looking for each other"

cleops
11-11-2001, 06:52 PM
He's as numb as a pounded thumb

Michael Ellis
11-11-2001, 07:12 PM
"X had a thought once, it died of lonliness."

Tranquilis
11-11-2001, 08:49 PM
"The mental agility of a small piece of furniture."

plankter
11-11-2001, 09:13 PM
"His little choo-choo has derailed."

Ayesha
11-13-2001, 09:26 AM
Originally posted by TheOtherOne
"If his brains were dynamite, it wouldn't be enough to blow off his hat"


Another version of this, If brains were gunpowder he couldn't blow his nose.

longjohn
11-14-2001, 05:01 AM
A magnificent one Iíve just remembered, from Clive James describing an attractive but less than smart female

ď She didnít have a lot upstairs but, my God, what a staircase!Ē

Sans Seraph
07-11-2005, 12:57 AM
He has the mental capacity of a soap dish.

Anastasaeon
07-11-2005, 01:37 AM
My ex's mother used to be found of saying to him, often:

"If shoes were clues, you'd be barefoot."

chaoticbear
07-11-2005, 01:39 AM
As dumb as a handle on a bowling ball.


I've seen a picture of one of those in a sports equipment catalog for children. (I'm guessing like PE supplies.) It apparently snaps back into the ball after release.

inkleberry
07-11-2005, 01:44 AM
...as a sack of wet mice.

SnakesCatLady
07-11-2005, 04:21 AM
"Dumb as a sack of carrots"

"The cheese done slid off his cracker."

Czarcasm
07-11-2005, 05:40 AM
Phosphor, please do not revive old threads like this. Either start a new thread and, if you must, provide a link (http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/showthread.php?t=97795&page=2) to the thread you are continuing.

lockdown.

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