#1
Old 01-28-2000, 11:31 AM
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I got this Urban Legend in an e-mail this morning. A great story to tell your kids.

"Okay, here's the lobster story. be forewarned, it truly is disgusting.

Read the whole thing, it may be the worst mental image you'll ever have.

Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.

One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DaLucci of Kittery Maine, woke upwith a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain. It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard.

In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out
of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all
twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound. Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the
tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous.
It was a tiny mud shrimp and itsat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing. The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace.

If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened: Ms. DeLucci official death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor.

It is believed by medical police that on two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics
found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub.

The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's vagina when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period, doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger
version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold
throughout the US.Over night the eggs had
hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes. You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet."
#2
Old 01-28-2000, 11:36 AM
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Johnny,
Whoever you got that UL from is a sick bastartd. Block them immediately from sending you any more mail.

:::::shudder:::::

------------------
Love is like popsicles...you get too much you get too high.

Not enough and you're gonna die...
Click here for some GOOD news for a change Zettecity
#3
Old 01-28-2000, 11:45 AM
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Zette,
By implication, I'm a sick bastard for posting it! Haha!

BTW: I like your sig line. Have you posted it on the song lyrics thread?
#4
Old 01-28-2000, 11:50 AM
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I got that email too. *shudder*

Makes me think I should post a topic in GQ as to where ULs originate from. I wonder if we can trace this one back?
#5
Old 01-28-2000, 12:23 PM
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Join Date: Jun 1999
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Too late Zette!! That was too cool!! I have already E-mailed this juicy morsel to all my demented circle of friends. Anyone for lunch at Red Lobster?

------------------
"...send lawyers, guns, and money..."

Warren Zevon
#6
Old 01-28-2000, 12:41 PM
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Join Date: May 1999
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Someone that I used to work with e-mailed me the KFC UL the other day with a dire warning "Never to eat at KFC!!!!"

I blocked her address, gave her the link to snopes, and told her she is to goddamned stupid to ever e-mail me again. No more Mr. Nice Guy for these morons.

PS- I may have to travel for my new job. I sure hope my kidneys stay where they belong!

I don't mind when people send those things to me as a joke or to say "Geez, can you believe this is going around?", but I can't believe anyone is dumb enough to actually believe them and send a "warning". Sheesh!

------------------
Love is like popsicles...you get too much you get too high.

Not enough and you're gonna die...
Click here for some GOOD news for a change Zettecity
#7
Old 01-28-2000, 12:53 PM
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Here's what I don't get: If the lady was inserting seafood into her vagina, why was she having urinary pain?

And where did the green and brown syrup come from? I fail to see how she was able to close her vagina - it's not a sphicter for Christsakes! Do men think we can hold in our periods and then just have an explosion of blood when we get on a toilet?

Otherwise, good story!

------------------
Formerly unknown as "Melanie"
#8
Old 01-28-2000, 03:00 PM
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Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: Phoenix, AZ, US
Posts: 7,672
It had all the hallmarks of a UL but that was one creepy lobster tale. I've seen a lot of harsh stuff on the net but that was plain nasty.

OTOH it could become a new codeword now that felching is starting to lose its shock value.
#9
Old 01-28-2000, 04:47 PM
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I'm laughing my ass off over here, thinking of this lady with a lobster tail inside her, thrashing wildly while she holds a lighter to the lobster's face!

In an earlier thread, Posters were asked to invent their own ULs.

My idea was about a FOAF who wired his testicles to a power socket, then hit the breakers just before orgasm. The shock enhanced his climax, but made his testicles explode.

I'm a freakin' amateur.

------------------
You say "cheesy" like that's a BAD thing.
#10
Old 01-28-2000, 04:56 PM
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Cant be true.

A lobster tail is sharp. It coils into a circle for protection, but when opened, the ridged that form its armour have VERY sharp ends.

Couldn't happen.
#11
Old 01-28-2000, 04:59 PM
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Too bad she didn't turn the lobster down with the excuse "Not tonight dear, I have a haddock."
#12
Old 01-28-2000, 05:17 PM
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There's a good discussion about this on the snopes board, too.

If she was in the bath, wouldn't the lighter have had to be lit underwater to burn the lobster? I think the lobster would be scared enough already.

And if she was alone the whole time, how would anyone have known in so much detail what she was doing and how it was feeling? How would he know that it was the loudest farting noise ever heard?

A good EMT wouldn't have 'straightened her out'. Aren't fallen patients supposed to be transferred to a backboard before being moved, because they could be paralyzed?

And what are medical police?
#13
Old 01-28-2000, 05:35 PM
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I could not resist this one.

Please tell me how anyone could believe that someone could put a lobster tail inside herself? And, how on earth could this woman be holding a lighter under the lobster's face? Try getting yourself in the presumed position - it's pretty hard to get your arm down that far, esp. while holding a lighter that you would be taking care not to burn yourself with. Even with a mirror - you have to kind of twist yourself a little and that would probably be a painful with a sharp, spiny-edged thing up there.

I'd believe the Mexican rat story over this one any day.
#14
Old 01-28-2000, 05:42 PM
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Zulu, those are the same questions I asked. (If she was dead, how did they know she felt as if she had diarrhea?) One you missed was the liklihood of one seriously injuring one's self by falling on a toilet from a standing position.

Another nice Urban Legend touch is the "XXX lesbian video". Urban Legends tend to be "cautionary tales". In this case, it's illustrating how dangerous it is to live a different lifestyle. That is, I think it's trying to say "Lesbians are bad and they do bad things. If you're gay you become a deviant and start doing bizarre things and eventually it will kill you."

By the way, people. You know some people don't know what the "vein" in shrimp and lobster is? Think we post it in case any come to this thread? *LOL*
#15
Old 01-28-2000, 05:55 PM
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Whoa, that's cool. Have any more "urban myths"?

Studi

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#16
Old 01-28-2000, 06:04 PM
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augh. i felt sick before.. but what i'm feeling now is indescribable.

------------------
"human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust; we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper." - albert einstein
#17
Old 01-28-2000, 08:56 PM
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Quote:
One you missed was the liklihood of one seriously injuring one's self by falling on a toilet from a standing position.
Heh, yeah, that's somewhere on the snopes board too. Someone mentioned that the chances of falling and hitting your twice from standing hard enough to die seemed pretty slim.

Also, don't much shrimp live in cold salty water? How on earth could they be hatched in a warm not-so-salty place?

Studi: http://snopes.com and http://urbanlegends.com are good places to start. And any Jan Harold Brunvard books you can find.
#18
Old 01-29-2000, 12:58 AM
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How come I never get wierd UL's e-mailed to me? I'm starting to feel culturally deprived.

I think I'll go buy a lobster. I need a new friend...

------------------
The trouble with Sir Launcelot is by the time he comes riding up, you've already married King Arthur.
#19
Old 01-29-2000, 02:51 AM
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What the hell is the moral of this story anyway?

"Don't watch gay porn while holding a cigarette lighter to the face of a lobster with its tail in your vagina, because it might crap out mud shrimp eggs that will hatch inside of you and cause you to suffer intense urinary pain so that you go to sit on the pot, where suddenly all the shrimp come shooting out of you and when you stand up to see what happened you'll slip and bash your head on the toilet and die."

Oh, yeah, there's something I'll need to know.

"Honey, don't buy that lobster! Don't you know you could DIE?"


-- Sylence

P.S. Lobsters got faces?

------------------
Another day, another attempt to cross Niagra Falls on a tightrope. . .
#20
Old 01-29-2000, 05:23 AM
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You know, it strikes me that this is a more gruesome update of the big-pimple-on-the-lady's-face-turns-out-to-be-full-of-spider's-eggs-which-hatch-all-over-her-face, with some sexual and scatological elements thrown in.

If the moral is no more complex than "Don't put a lobster's tail in your naughty place and then burn the lobster's face", then count me as a convert.
#21
Old 01-29-2000, 07:05 AM
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Yup Zulu, a proper paramedic would have put her on a back board.

Anyway, since brine shrimp live in cool salty water (like the waters of maine) there is no way they could have hatched inside of her. Also why would they be inside the lobster? if it shit out the eggs, they would have been the remains of it's lunch. Not to mention the fact that lobster tails end in fins, and aren't something you'd want near an easily lacerated mucous membrane.


I remember watching this movie from Japan (Tampopo. Means Dandelion, BTW) where a man and his lover are using food for foreplay. The man took a live shrimp, put it in a bowl, and covered it with some sort of Alcohol (i think) he then placed the bowl and the shrimp upside down on his woman's body (her stomach) and let the shrimp twitch violently. The twitching and convulsing of the shrimp tickled the woman and she went into ecstasy. Odd movie .

------------------
It's worth the risk of burning, to have a second chance...
#22
Old 01-29-2000, 09:43 AM
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Poor lobster! Poor shrimp! Animal abuse!


#23
Old 01-29-2000, 11:07 AM
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But no one's answered the most important question of all:

Did the paramedics bring cocktail sauce?

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Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
#24
Old 01-29-2000, 11:11 AM
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Quote:
"Don't watch gay porn while holding a cigarette lighter to the face of a lobster with its tail in your vagina, because it might crap out mud shrimp eggs that will hatch inside of you and cause you to suffer intense urinary pain so that you go to sit on the pot, where suddenly all the shrimp come shooting out of you and when you stand up to see what happened you'll slip and bash your head on the toilet and die."
looks like I just found my new sig line



------------------
Love is like popsicles...you get too much you get too high.

Not enough and you're gonna die...
Click here for some GOOD news for a change Zettecity
#25
Old 01-30-2000, 12:03 AM
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Well, placing a person on a backboard in the average bathroom might be pretty tricky, sometimes you have to move them first.

and, IIRC, lobsters eat rotten carrion from the sea floor (you should see the stuff they put in the traps), I'm not convinced suck up eggs
#26
Old 01-30-2000, 01:26 AM
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Wrong again kiddies...
the moral is as follows:

Lobster is expensive, cucumbers are cheap.
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