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#1
Old 08-06-2003, 04:51 PM
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Post your favorite "Guy dies and goes to heaven" joke

The title says it all. This is one of my favorite genres of joke, and I'm always looking for more of 'em. I'll kick us off with one of my personal favorites:

A man dies, goes to heaven, and meets St. Peter. St. Peter gives him a tour and shows him the various groups of people.

"Over there," says St. Pete, "are the Episcopalians. Over there are the Lutherans. Over there are the Jews, and there are the Muslims. Over there are the Hindus."

Finally, before they get to the next group, St. Peter says "Shush, be quiet." The man asks why.

St. Pete replies, "Those are the Southern Baptists. They think they're the only ones here."
#2
Old 08-06-2003, 04:53 PM
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How ironic, that I should put this in the Pit by mistake. I meant for it to go in MPSIMS. Mods, a little help?
#3
Old 08-06-2003, 05:14 PM
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Bill Gates died, and found himself at the gates of Heaven, where both God and Satan were waiting for him. "Welcome, Bill," said God. "Satan and I have just been discussing you. You did a lot of good things in life, but you did a lot of very bad things, too, and frankly, we just aren't sure whether you belong in Heaven or Hell. So, we're going to let YOU decide where you go for all eternity."

That sounded good to Bill Gates, so he agreed. First, God waved His hand, and showed Gates a vision of Heaven. It was a beautiful place fileld with happy people playing gold harps, and floating through the clouds.

"Not bad," Said Gates. "Now show me Hell."

Satan waved his hand, and showed Gates a vision of a beautiful, sunny tropical island, filled with gorgeous naked women sipping pina coladas, while a band played calypso music."

"Wow," said Gates, "That's for me! I choose Hell."

"Very well," said Satan. The devil then pushed a button, and Bill Gates fell through a trap door, all the way down to a pit of fire, where demons were waiting to poke him with pitchforks and branding irons.

"WAIT A MINUTE," roared Bill Gates! "THIS isn't what you showed me! Where's the beach? WHere are the women? Where's the band? WHere are the pina coladas?"

"Oh sorry, Bill," Satan called down to him. "That was just the demo version."
#4
Old 08-06-2003, 05:14 PM
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A very wealthy man wanted to be sure that he would be rich in heaven. He went to his priest, who explained that you enter this world with nothing and you leave with nothing. The wealthy guy kept argueing so the priest sent him up the chain of command. Finally, after years of arguments and interviews, the wealthy man gets a private audience with the Pope.

"I want to take money with me to Heaven." "You can't take anything with you when you die." "You MUST make an exception in my case - I'll pay any price." And on and on and on...

So after YEARS of pestering with phone calls and letters, the Pope has had enough. He appeals to Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, "OK you have to admit he's persistent. He can take 1 briefcase with him, if he promises to leave the rest of his estate to the Church." So the Pope tells the wealthy man, who then starts worrying about what to put in the briefcase, and leaves the Pope alone.

After a while, the wealthy man decides that the best thing fill the briefcase with is not bonds, or stocks, or precious gems... He decides to convert as much of his wealth as could fit to Gold Boullion. So for the rest of his life, the wealthy man drags this horribly heavy case around with him, everywhere he went.

When he finally died, Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven. One thing, you have permission to bring the briefcase with you, but you must let me see what is so important that you spent most of your life either begging to bring it or bearing it's great weight."

So the man grudgingly agrees and opens the briefcase.

Saint Peter peers into the briefcase at the stacks of Gold Boullion and says,...

"Pavement??!!? All that just to bring PAVEMENT??????"
#5
Old 08-06-2003, 05:21 PM
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OK...Four nuns went to heaven and were greeted by St. Peter. Sister Mary goes up to the podium to sign in, and St. Peter asks if she had any sins she'd like to confess before entering heaven. Sister Mary said "I'm very ashamed, Once I looked at the Bishops penis".
St. Peter said "There's nothing to worry about sister. Go to the fountain and wash your eyes with holy water and all will be forgiven".

Sister Maria stepped up to the podium, and St. Peter asked her the same question. "Well, once, I gave into curiosity and touched the Bishops penis". "Curiosity is not a mortal sin my dear, go wash your hands in the fountain of holy water, and all will be forgiven".

Sister Anne started up to the podium, but Sister Margret ran up to the podium in front of her. "Whats your hurry dear"? St. Peter asked, "This is heaven, you have all the time in the world." I'm sorry St. Peter", replied Margret, "But I wanted to gargle with the holy water before Anne soaks her ass in it"!



Jon
#6
Old 08-06-2003, 05:27 PM
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Good one, DeVena, I hadn't heard that before. Mine starts the same way...


A man is dying, and summons the three people he trusts most in the world - his priest, his doctor and his lawyer. He says "I have it mind to try and take some of my wealth with me. I want each of you to take $20,000 from my estate, and leave it in my coffin immediately before I'm buried. If you do this, I will divide my the rest into three parts and you can each donote one to a worthy cause of your choice." They are sceptical, and the priest protests, but the man reminds them of the charities that could benefitm and they agree.

At the funeral, each deposits a large envelope in the coffin, and it's buried. The three discuss the funeral in a bar, later. The doctor says to the priest "Father, I have a confession to make. I used my third to buy an MRI machine for my hospital, but there wasn't quite enough, so I took $1,000 from my envelope."

The priest replies "God forgives you, my son. In fact, I bought a new building for the church orphanage, and there wasn't enough, so I took $5,000 out."

The lawyer exclaims "I'm ashamed of both of you! I'll have you know I put in a personal cheque for the full amount!"
#7
Old 08-06-2003, 05:35 PM
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So this Pagan woman dies, and she's a little surprised to find herself in front of the Pearly Gates talking to Saint Peter. "Um, I was Pagan," she says. "Don't I get to go to the Summerlands?"

"Of course, my dear," he says. "Actually, all the afterlives are here - Paradise, Elysium, Nirvana, the Summerlands. Here, let me show you to yours."

So they walk in, and he shows her a beautiful meadow with great arching trees, and the spirits of all the dead Pagans are lounging around, drinking mead, making love, and having a good old time.

She's overjoyed, but then she sees a group of shadowy figures, all dressed in black, looking at the happy Pagans and screaming and crying. She looks at Saint Peter strangely and says, "Well, but who are they?"

"Ah!" says Saint Peter. "Those are Southern Baptists who are in Hell."
#8
Old 08-06-2003, 05:43 PM
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Another fellow dies, and he goes to Hell. He's extremely upset upon finding out where he's going, but Satan says, "Hey! Hey! Don't worry about it! Actually we get a lot of bad press. Really, it's not so bad. For example, do you like to drink?"

"Well, yeah," says the man.

"Great! You're going to love Mondays! All we do is drink. Every kind of liquor. Beer, wine, rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, champagne, all the best stuff. It's all free, and you can drink as much as you want, and you get all buzzed but you never get sick and you never get a hangover, because you're already dead!"

"Wow! Cool!" says the fellow, who's a little bit happier.

"Do you like to eat?" says Satan.

"Well, of course," says the man.

"Well, you're going to love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays all we do is gorge ourselves. There's a huge buffet, of all the best kinds of food - turkey, venison, caviar, salmon, -- and let's not even talk about the desserts! And you never get overstuffed, and you never get fat, because you're already dead!"

"Is that ever great!" says the man.

"Oh, it gets better! Do you like to gamble?" says Satan.

"Well, I've been to a few casinos in my time..." says the man.

"Well, you're going to love Wednesdays! All we do is gamble. Roulette, poker, blackjack, baccarat, horse racing, everything, and you never run out of money!"

"Holy cow!" says the man.

"That's nothing! Do you like to take drugs?"

"Sure!" says the man.

"Well, you're going to love Thursdays! All we do is do drugs, all day. The best bud you've ever had, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, crystal meth, anything you want, and you never have a bad trip, and you never get addicted, because hey, you're dead!"

"Wow!" says the guy, who's completely enthused.

"That's not the end of it!" says the Devil. "Are you gay?"

"What?" says the man. "No, I'm not gay."

The devil's face falls. "Oh, shit. You're not gonna like Fridays."
#9
Old 08-06-2003, 05:44 PM
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So--the Pope dies and goes to heaven where Saint Peter personally greets him at the Pearly Gates.
"Pope," says St. Peter, "you've been a good person and are one helluva (har har) guy so if there's anything you need or want to do up here, just let me know and I'll set you up."
"Well," the Pope says hesitantly, "there is one thing. I've always wanted to read the original version of the Bible just to see what got lost in translation."
"No problem, "says St. Peter and quickly ushers the Pope to Gods Library (Special Collections Branch) where the original Bible is kept. He sits the Pope down in front of the massive tome and says "Here you go and remember, if you need anything, just holler and I'll be right there." The Pope agrees and happily begins to read.
Nobody hears anything from him for years and years until one day suddenly a loud scream (followed by various and asundry curses) erupts from the Library.
Saint Peter hurries over and sees the Pope standing in front of the original Bible, pointing at a particular verse and saying "No no no" over and over again.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" Saint Peter gasps as he hurries up to the Pope.
"It says celeBRATE, celeBRATE!!!" the Pope yells.
#10
Old 08-06-2003, 05:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by matt_mcl
So this Pagan woman dies, and she's a little surprised to find herself in front of the Pearly Gates talking to Saint Peter. "Um, I was Pagan," she says. "Don't I get to go to the Summerlands?"

"Of course, my dear," he says. "Actually, all the afterlives are here - Paradise, Elysium, Nirvana, the Summerlands. Here, let me show you to yours."

So they walk in, and he shows her a beautiful meadow with great arching trees, and the spirits of all the dead Pagans are lounging around, drinking mead, making love, and having a good old time.

She's overjoyed, but then she sees a group of shadowy figures, all dressed in black, looking at the happy Pagans and screaming and crying. She looks at Saint Peter strangely and says, "Well, but who are they?"

"Ah!" says Saint Peter. "Those are Southern Baptists who are in Hell."
Matt, you forgot the final punchline:"God dosen't like being told what he thinks"
#11
Old 08-06-2003, 08:22 PM
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A dj dies and gets admitted to heaven. An angel is giving him a tour of the place. Eventually they come to a tremendously large room with billions and billions of clock-looking devices hanging on the wall. The dj notices they all only have 1 hand instead of two. Curious, he asks about the devices.

"Well, there is one for every living person on Earth. They click forward once every time the person commits adultery." the angel tells him.

"Really? Can I see my wife's?"

"Ahhhh. . . . no. . . sorry, but God keeps that one in his office to use as a fan. "

DaLovin' Dj
#12
Old 08-06-2003, 08:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by LeeshaJoy
How ironic, that I should put this in the Pit by mistake. I meant for it to go in MPSIMS. Mods, a little help?
Gotcha.
#13
Old 08-06-2003, 08:39 PM
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A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Lawyers." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer. "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now fuck off".
#14
Old 08-06-2003, 08:48 PM
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I read this one in Playboy back in the 70s:

An auto racing fan dies and goes to heaven. He asks St. Peter if they have a racetrack.
"What kind?"
"Indy Car."
St Peter shows him the most beatiful Indy Car track imaginable--and there's a race in progress. One driver in particular is courting disaster--cutting off the other drivers, causing crashes, realy pushing it to the limit.
The fan says, "I've only seen one man drive like that--but I thought A. J. Foyt was still alive--what's he doing up here?"
St. Peter replies, "Oh, that's God--He just thinks He's Foyt."
#15
Old 08-06-2003, 08:57 PM
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Okay, so this elderly husband and wife keep fit all their lives, eat oat bran and go jogging, and end up dying when a drunk driver hits their car.

So they die and go to Heaven, and St. Peter is showing them their new home. They go in the kitchen, and it's fully stocked with bacon, eggs, booze, all unhealthy sinful delicious food.

And the man says to St. Peter, "Wait, I can't eat that stuff. It's bad for you!"

And St. Peter says, "Oh no no no-you're in Heaven now, everything is perfect here."

And then the man turns to his wife and shouts, "You idiot, if you hadn't insisted on that bran shit, we could have been here 20 years ago!"

----
A man dies and goes to Hell, and the Devil is showing him around. He's told he has to pick a room to spend all of eternity in.

The first room there's a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. The guy frowns and says, "No, that doesn't look too comfortable, let's go see what's in the next room."

The next room has people standing on their heads on a concrete floor. And the guy once again says, "Wow, that's even more uncomfortable-what about the next room?"

And the Devil shows him the third room, where everyone is knee deep in shit drinking coffee. And the guy says, "Well, you know, that's gross, but at least I can stand up and drink coffee. " So he goes in, and gets a cup of coffee, and starts talking to the people.

Five minutes later the Devil comes back in and says, "Okay, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

----

Three ecologists are exploring the deep jungles of the Amazon searching for new plant life when they are they are captured by a
tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to
give the usual 'let's boil them alive' orders, when he gets an idea.

"I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces
of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.

Half an hour later one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit
and not liking what he see tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his rear end without changing
his facial expression.

He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an
agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him.

10 minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to
open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries. When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly
relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9..... and suddenly the guy busts out
laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to kill the guy.

Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened. "You only had one more berry to shove and you
were home free! Why did you start laughing?"

"I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path with 10 pineapples!"

-----
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of
these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood
floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are
killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that
He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women
with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God
says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on
his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on
Wheels you've been sending over are the best!
#16
Old 08-06-2003, 09:05 PM
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Three men are waiting to enter heaven, and discussing which of them died most unfortunately.

St. Peter asks the first man for his story and he says: "I came home one day, and I suddenly sensed, you know how it goes, that my wife had a lover. I hunted round the appartment for him, but couldn't find anything. Then I went out on the balcony and saw this guy hanging over the edge! I went wild, kicking his fingers and everything, and eventually he let go. He fell 5 floors, but still looked alive, so I dashed into the nearest room - the kitchen - and found the fridge. I pushed it to the edge, threw my shoulder against it, knocking it off to crush him, but I lost my balance and fell after it, to my death."

The second guy says "I can top that! I was practicing chin-ups hanging from my balcony, when I slipped. Fortunately I caught the balcony below, and then this guy runs out, and I think I'm saved, but he goes ape-shit and knocks me off!"

The third guy says "My turn. OK, picture this. I'm hiding, naked, inside a fridge when...
#17
Old 08-06-2003, 09:08 PM
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Ack! On preview I see it's similar to a previous. What the hey!

*****

Guy dies, arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks him out, and he's in. St. Pete gives him the walking tour.

Now, this fellow was a hotshot trial lawyer in life (no comment), so St. Peter really wants to impress upon him the egalitarian nature of heavenly society. There is no bad side of town; everybody's got bodacious digs. At the swimming pools and the concerts, it's stressed that nobody gets special treatment, and it doesn't matter anyway, because, "You've got all the time in the world."

So they finally wind up at a cafeteria, and St. Peter notes approvingly that the new arrival is content to get a tray and take his place in line. Suddenly, there's quite a bustle as a guy in scrubs with a stethoscope around his neck bursts in, shouts, "Out of the way, I'm in a hurry!" and cuts to the head of the line.

Our recently retired attorney gives St. Peter a quizzical look and St. Peter replies:

"Oh, that's G-d; sometimes he thinks he's a surgeon."
#18
Old 08-06-2003, 09:32 PM
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From Emo Phillips:

"In my dream, I die and go to heaven, and I don't know it but Jesus Christ goes in the Pearly Gates after me, and I say, 'Close the door! What, were you born in a barn?!'
"And we're called before the awful throne of judgement, and God says, 'Whichever of you did the best deeds will sit at my right hand.' And Albert Schweizer stands up, and says, 'I devoted my life to curing diseases in Africa.' And God says, 'Well, in doing that you totally ruined their ecosystem, so now they're all starving, smart guy. Next?' And an angel pokes me and says, 'It's your turn.'
"So I stand up and say, 'Once, in a spirit of great selflessness and devotion to my fellow man, I filled a rental car with premium.'
"AND THERE WAS A LOUD HOSANNA.
"And I said to God, 'You know, God, you and I are a lot alike. We both drive a Galaxy.'
"So God sent me to Hell, where I spend eternity having my arms and legs cut off, and I have to work as a PEZ dispenser."
#19
Old 08-06-2003, 09:45 PM
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Somehow there's a screw-up in Quality Control and an Engineer gets sent to Hell. It's horrible there. The heat is unbearable, people are laboring like slaves, you have to climb up scalding hot rocks to get anywhere, you get the picture. The Engineer calmly looks around and has a talk with Satan, they shake hands and the Engineer goes to work.

A couple of months later things have really changed. There's an air conditioning system and the climate is great. Robots are performing all of the labor. There is a system of escalators and moving sidewalks for people to get from place to place. Hell is quite a nice place to be.

Up in Heaven there's an audit and they realize that there's a missing Engineer. God calls Satan and demands his Engineer back.

"No fucking way," says Satan, "we need this guy. If something breaks down, we're screwed."

"Look Satan," says God, "you better send him back here immediately."

"Fuck off. What will you do if I don't."

"If you don't send him up here, I'll get one of the lawyers in Heaven to sue you."

Satan could do nothing but laugh. "Yeah, right. Lame bluff, God."

Haj
#20
Old 08-06-2003, 09:45 PM
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This joke is very versatile, as you can see.
#21
Old 08-06-2003, 09:49 PM
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Longtime UNC Basketball Coach Dean Smith lives a long and healthy life, saddened only in that his rival and friend Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski's death preceded his, since Coach K was so much younger. Coach Smith finally passes in his sleep, surrounded by his loved ones, and is getting the tour of Heaven from Saint Peter. Since Dean did so many good deeds and passed along his knowledge and work ethic to the likes of NBA Greats Michael Jordan and Vince Carter, St. Peter showed Dean the gated community where the elite angels lived. Dean was quite pleased with his eternal home, two-story brick, garage, gabled roof, spacious, landscaped, well-equipped kitchen, nice lap pool in the back, on a quiet cul-de-sac. St. Peter had even had the builders place a pale blue UNC flag on the stoop, to show the neighborhood who lived there.

Dean was very very happy with this home, until he turned and saw up on a hill an absolutely magnificent mansion, four stories tall, two wings with helicopter pads on the roof, classic racing cars in the 7 car detached garage, and doormen, footmen, gardeners, and maids flitting about dutifully doing their chores, and resplendent in Duke Blue uniforms. There were four towers at the four corners of the mansion, with Duke flags flying, and in the back was a huge indoor basketball arena with games being played all day long.

Dean asked St. Peter, "Now I don't mean to be ungrateful, my home really is very nice, but why did Mike Krzyzewski get such a palacial estate? I had more players in the NBA, and I broke through racial barriers with my teams, and, I mean, I trained MJ!"

St. Peter looked confused a second, then smiled broadly. "Oh, I see, no, no, no, Coach. That is God's place."

(Replace Dean Smith and Coach K with any two rivals, same joke.)
#22
Old 08-06-2003, 10:08 PM
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Three preachers and their wives are riding together on their way to a preachers retreat when they get killed in a car crash. they get to Heaven and th first preacher and his wife walk up to St. Peter and he pulls out the book to check him out... St Pete says "This is quite unusual... here you are a man of God, but you have lusted your entire life after money! You skim outta the offering, you even stole lunch money when you were a kid... Heck, you love money so much you married a woman named Penny!. You are outta here. Next.... Hmmmm.... says here that you are quite the alcoholic! drink every time you are outta town and even drink the communion wine at home... You love alcohol so much you married a woman named Sherry! I can't let you in. Next"

Hearing all this the third preacher turns to his wife and says "We know when we aren't wanted! Let's get outta here, Fanny!"
#23
Old 08-06-2003, 10:18 PM
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Three doctors die and arrive at the Pearly Gates together. St. Peter asks the first doctor about his career. "Well, I was a medical missionary all along. I spent my whole life serving the poor." "Well, come on in, come on in!" says St.Peter, and he turns to the next doctor, "What about you?" "Well, I had a thriving and lucrative practice. In gratitude I worked as a volunteer one day a week at a free medical clinic for the poor." "That's great! Come on in, come on in!" The third doctor speaks up "St. Peter, I had too many debts to do any charity work. And I worked for an HMO. But otherwise I was okay."
St. Peter hesistates for a minute, then says, "I guess it's alright. Come on in! But you can only stay for three days!"
#24
Old 08-06-2003, 10:32 PM
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A guy is caught in a flood. He is stuck on the top of his house with the water up to his ankles when a rowboat comes by. "Hop in!" the people say. "No, my faith is in God, he'll take care of me."

When the water is up to his waist, a speedboat comes by. "Hop in! We'll take you to safety!" "No, God will take care of me."

Later, the water is up to his neck. A helicopter comes by. "Grab the rope! We'll take you to safety!" "No! God will save me!"

He drowns. He goes to heaven. "God? Where were you when I needed you? I had faith in you!"

God looks at him and says, "What are you talking about? I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What more do you want?"
#25
Old 08-06-2003, 10:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by verbenabeast
...."We know when we aren't wanted! Let's get outta here, Fanny!"
I've heard the same joke...only the third man was gay, and his partner's name was Dick.

* * * * * * *

Three old friends passed away together in an accident and went to heaven. When they arrived, St. Peter said, "We have only one rule here in Heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they entered heaven and, sure enough, there were ducks all over the pace. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they tried their best to avoid them, one of the friends accidentally stepped on one. Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second friend accidentally stepped on a duck and along came St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him iwas another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as for the first friend.

The third friend observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very, VERY careful where he stepped. He managed to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.

The man asked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

The woman replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
#26
Old 08-07-2003, 02:07 AM
Screwing the unscrutable.
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A blonde dies and goes to Heaven.

God meets her at the Pearly Gates.

The blonde says "Wait a minute - you're not St. Peter! Who are you?"

God says, "Hi, I'm God. And you are...?"

Blonde says, "Hi God, I'm Muffy! Do I have to answer the three questions before I get into Heaven? I've been studying REAL hard!"

"Well, seeing that you're a blonde, and you're cute," states God, "I'm only going to ask you one question and I'll make it a real easy one for you."

"Oh, thank You!" gushes Muffy.

"OK, Muffy," says God, "What is my Son's name?"

Muffy thinks. Thinks some more. Mulls it over. Suddenly her eyes get real bright, and she says "ANDY! That's it, Andy!"

God is astounded! "How in My name can you possibly think that my Son's name is Andy?"

The blonde explains, "You know, like we used to sing in church every Sunday? 'And He walks with me, And He talks with me..."
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#27
Old 08-07-2003, 02:55 AM
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Three men die and go to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates.
St. Peter looks them over, checks their names in his book and then says, “Before I admit you, you must answer this question.” “If you could be at your own funeral right now and hear what your loved ones were saying, what would you hope to hear?” The first man said “I would want them to say he was a good man, and a loving father.” And the second man said “I would want them to say I was a brilliant man and one of the great intellects of my time.” St. Peter nodded at them both and then looked at the last man and asked “How about you?” The third man thought a moment and then said “Oh shit, I think has breathing!”
#28
Old 08-07-2003, 03:10 AM
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Bill Clinton dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter is showing him around, and they come to huge room filled with clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for. St. Peter says, "Each clock represents one person. Every time they lie, the hands go around. See, there's Mother Theresa's clock," he says, pointing a clock who'd hands are all dusty and covered with cobwebs. "Where's my clock?" Clinton asks. "Oh, it's not here," St. Peter replies. "God keeps it in his office as a fan."
#29
Old 08-07-2003, 07:08 AM
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Mine is from a Far Side:

A man is standing before St. Peter and the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is saying, "A train leaves Los Angeles at 7:28 a.m. Another train leaves New York at 12:30 p.m. heading east. If the train leaving Los Angeles...say do you want a piece of paper for this?"

The caption is: Math Phobics Nightmare
#30
Old 08-07-2003, 10:00 AM
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Posts: 9,100
Three men die and are waiting in line at the Pearly Gates to get into Heaven.

The first man walks up and St. Peter asks him, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

"Absolutely not. I loved my wife and was faithful to her."

St. Peter smiles and says, "Good. Take this gold key. It starts that gold BMW over there. You get to drive it around Heaven for all eternity and never fill it up."

The second man walks up and St. Peter asks him, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

"Well, one time I slept with my secretary while I was on a business trip. But I felt guilty and told my wife and we worked everything out. I never strayed again."

St. Peter says, "Well, you do feel remorse about it. Take this silver key. It starts that Honda over there."

The third man walks up and St. Peter asks him, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

"To be honest, I slept with any woman who was willing."

St. Peter scowls and says, "This key unlocks that bicycle lock over there. Get out of my sight!"

So the third guy is riding around Heaven, and he happens upon the first guy in the BMW. He doesn't look very happy.

The third guy asks, "What's the matter? You're in Heaven, and you've got this great car. What could possibly make you look so unhappy?"

The first guy replies, "I just saw my wife go by on rollerskates."
#31
Old 08-07-2003, 10:20 AM
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Join Date: May 2000
Posts: 606
One more

A rabbi, a Pope and a salesman go to heaven. "Let me show you where you'll be living," says St. Peter.

First he drops off the salesman at a mansion on the hill, complete with acres of fruit trees and a swimming pool. Then he drops off the two clerics at a pair of small cottages on a crowded lane.

"Wait -- there must be some mistake," says the Pope. "The rabbi was a holy and righteous man; I was God's representative on earth. But you put a lowly salesman into the mansion?"

St. Peter responds, "We get popes, rabbis and ministers up here every week. But you see -- that's the first salesman we've ever had!"
#32
Old 08-07-2003, 10:23 AM
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Location: Dementia
Posts: 1,369
A woman arrived at the Gates of
Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and
who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman
said to him, "This is such a wonderful place ! How do I get in ?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "L-o-v-e"
and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came
to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the
Gates of Heaven,her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman
said. "How have you been ?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well
since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman
told him.

"Which word ?" her husband asked.

Sweetly she smiled and said, "Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a
woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay later.
#33
Old 08-07-2003, 10:58 AM
Gut Gut is offline
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Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 692
A guy dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds that would allow him to enter.

"Well, once I was walking past a bar and a screaming, frightened woman came running outside with her top torn halfway off and a bunch of biker types chasing her. I handed her my cell phone and told her to call the cops. I then stopped the first biker dude that was chasing her and told him that if he wanted to attack that woman he and all his buddies would have to get through me." Replied the man.

"I see." Said St. Peter. "That is quite a brave thing you did. When did it happen?"

"About 10 minutes ago." Says the guy.
#34
Old 08-07-2003, 11:44 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Jacksonville, NC
Posts: 380
An Army general, an Air Force General and a Navy Admiral are out playing golf one afternoon. They are all struck by lightning, die and go to Heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter and are granted entry to Heaven. Before they enter they notice the outside perimeter of Heaven is guarded by Marines. Not wanting to be in the company of such awful creatures, they ask St. Peter if there are any Marines in Heaven. St. Peter responds "No, Marines are not allowed inside the gates, they stay outside and guard the perimeter. The general's and admiral are satisfied and continue on, entering Heaven. As soon as they cross the gates, they notice a huge mansion on a hill. All of a sudden a huey flies toward the mansion, a rope drops out, and a camouflaged faced Marine fast ropes out. Hits the ground, does a drop and roll, gets up, runs to the front door of the mansion, kicks it open and squeezes off a burst from his M-240G machine gun. He enters and yells "OOh Rahh!!"

The general's and admiral turn around and run back to St. Peter. They are very upset to learn there is a Marine in Heaven. "Pete, what's the meaning of this, you specifically told us no Marines were in Heaven!" St. Peter answers, "That's not a Marine, that's God, sometimes he likes to pretend he's a Marine."
#35
Old 08-08-2003, 03:21 PM
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Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: NY (Manhattan) NY USA
Posts: 19,770
A Baptist minister, a Catholic priest, and a Jewish rabbi were playing cards and hanging out after an interfaith campout in the mountains when lightning struck a tree which fell and crushed them to death.

In the antechamber before God's Office, the Archangel Michael takes their names and after a moment glares at them:


Michael: You know that the earthly representatives of the Almighty are supposed to set a good example, and I do believe that gambling is illegal in the place where you were camped. I see you still carry the charred remnants of playing cards in your hands. Must I report that your final activity involved lawbreaking and gambling? Minister?

Minister: Well, now, I've known these gentlemen for years. There was no intention in my heart, as I know there was none in theirs, of profiting at the expense of any of the others. Our placing of wagers was merely by way of entertaining ourselves, a means of score-keeping. I would not view it as 'gambling', as none of us were at risk nor were seeking illicit gain through this activity.

::Michael looks to the Priest:: Priest?

Priest: Well, now, as he says, we have played as a threesome for years. And what he says about profiting is true. It has long been our tradition that all winnings accrued from our little card game are invested in the coffers of the church or schule or other relevant charitable concern. I, too, would deny that what we were doing constituted 'gambling'.

::Michael looks to the Rabbi:: Well?? Were you, also, not gambling, then?

Rabbi: ::looks left and right:: Gambling? And with whom would I be gambling?

So the Archangel Michael heads off into the Divine Office. And the three clergymen look at each other.

Minister: Hoo boy! I don't know about you fellows, but this looks like they might be sticklers for the rules in this place. And that could be a bad thing. You know, we Baptists, we don't hold with the drinking of alcoholic beverages, intoxication, devil spirits and all that. And I've preached as such. But there was a time when I was on travel and figured no one was around who knew me, and so I bought a bottle of Cognac and took it back to the hotel room and drank of it. Do you suppose I'll be quizzed about that?

Rabbi: I suppose the question is whether we are each to be held accountable to our own rules or if there is a 'real set' which we may not even know about. Certainly in my faith we have no specific prohibitions against alcohol, but as rabbi I am supposed to keep kosher unless it would extraordinary hardship to do so. But I experienced no hardship when under similar circumstances, in a city where I was anonymous, I ordered and ate a ham and cheese sandwich. Which would be OK if either of you gentlemen did it, but I may be held to account for it.

Priest: Indeed. Now that the subject has come up...I attended a seminar a few years ago in Atlanta, and ran into this very fascinating woman, a professor, very pretty...we started hanging out in her apartment discussing all manners of things and one evening we started kissing and one thing led to another...

::moment's silence::

Minister: Sure does beat hell out of liquor and pork, don't it?
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#36
Old 08-09-2003, 02:12 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 487
Three nuns die and St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates. He says to them, "I'm going to ask each of you a question. If you can answer, you may come in."

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first man that God created?"

"Adam," she replies.

An angelic choir sings the Hallelujah Chorus: "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! . . . " And the Pearly Gates open and the first nun goes in.

St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the woman that God created from Adam's rib?"

"Eve."

The choir sings, "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! . . . " and the gates open and the second nun goes in.

St. Peter asks the third nun, "What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?"

She thinks a moment, then says. "Boy, that's a hard one."

The choir sings "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! . . . . "
#37
Old 03-24-2015, 05:04 PM
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Location: austin tx usa
Posts: 35,294
A joke thread died and was resurrected as a zombie...



A young Catholic couple were killed in a limousine crash on the way to their wedding. They found themselves at the gates of Heaven, where St. Peter greeted them warmly.

They asked St. Peter, "Since we never got to marry on Earth, would it be possible for us to get married here?"

Peter thought for a moment, then said, "I'll see what I can do- wait right here." He vanished in a puff of smoke, and didn't come back for about 3 hours. He told them, "Come with me. I have the wedding all set up.

The bride then said, "You know, I've been thinking, eternity is a very long time. If we start to get bored with each other after a few thousand years, are we allowed to get divorced in Heaven?"

St. Peter rolled his eyes in disgust, and snarled,' For crying out loud, lady, you saw how long it took me to find a priest! Now you're asking me to find a LAWYER?????"
#38
Old 03-24-2015, 06:09 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: DC area
Posts: 30,384
Same punchline as a previous joke in the thread, and dated (but it's less dated than it seemed ten years ago!)

Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich, and Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.

Saint Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and welcomed them. "All you have to do is answer one question and you will enter the Gates of Heaven!"

"Me first!" Gingrich said. He stepped up and Saint Peter smiled at him and said, "You have come to a place where all are equal, Republican and Democrat. To get in, you just have to spell God."

Gingrich said "G-O-D" and Saint Peter opened the gate.

"Me next!" said Bob Dole, stepping up. "You have come to a place where all are equal, rich or poor. Just spell LOVE."

Dole said "L-O-V-E" and Saint Peter opened the gate.

Finally, it was Hillary's turn. She said, "I'm so glad to be here. Finally, I get to be a place where I can be judged for who I am, not my sex." Saint Peter smiled at her and said, "You have come to a place where all are equal, men or women. Just spell Czechoslovakia."
#39
Old 03-24-2015, 06:27 PM
Graphite is a great
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Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Akron, Ohio
Posts: 26,202
Quote:
Originally Posted by astorian View Post
A joke thread died and was resurrected as a zombie...



A young Catholic couple were killed in a limousine crash on the way to their wedding. They found themselves at the gates of Heaven, where St. Peter greeted them warmly.

They asked St. Peter, "Since we never got to marry on Earth, would it be possible for us to get married here?"

Peter thought for a moment, then said, "I'll see what I can do- wait right here." He vanished in a puff of smoke, and didn't come back for about 3 hours. He told them, "Come with me. I have the wedding all set up.

The bride then said, "You know, I've been thinking, eternity is a very long time. If we start to get bored with each other after a few thousand years, are we allowed to get divorced in Heaven?"

St. Peter rolled his eyes in disgust, and snarled,' For crying out loud, lady, you saw how long it took me to find a priest! Now you're asking me to find a LAWYER?????"
While amusing, not worthy of a zombie.
#40
Old 03-24-2015, 06:40 PM
Graphite is a great
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Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Akron, Ohio
Posts: 26,202
Quote:
Originally Posted by jsgoddess View Post
Same punchline as a previous joke in the thread, and dated (but it's less dated than it seemed ten years ago!)

Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich, and Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.

Saint Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and welcomed them. "All you have to do is answer one question and you will enter the Gates of Heaven!"

"Me first!" Gingrich said. He stepped up and Saint Peter smiled at him and said, "You have come to a place where all are equal, Republican and Democrat. To get in, you just have to spell God."

Gingrich said "G-O-D" and Saint Peter opened the gate.

"Me next!" said Bob Dole, stepping up. "You have come to a place where all are equal, rich or poor. Just spell LOVE."

Dole said "L-O-V-E" and Saint Peter opened the gate.

Finally, it was Hillary's turn. She said, "I'm so glad to be here. Finally, I get to be a place where I can be judged for who I am, not my sex." Saint Peter smiled at her and said, "You have come to a place where all are equal, men or women. Just spell Czechoslovakia."
Heard this one in about 1980. The first two average white guys get in. The "Black" guy gets to spell "CZ." And no, he wasn't referred to as "black."
#41
Old 03-24-2015, 06:54 PM
Charter Member
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 10,184
I think I may have read this on this board before, but here it is anyway...

Two conspiracy theorists are on their way to a convention when they get in a terrible accident and are killed. They get to heaven and meet God, who tells them he can answer any question.

"Great!" says one guy "Can you please tell us, lord, who really killed JFK?"

"Yes" says God, "Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone, assassinated the president."

The one Conspiracy theorist turns to the other and says "Man, this goes deeper than we thought!"
#42
Old 03-24-2015, 06:58 PM
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Location: Tottering-on-the-Brink
Posts: 19,207
Three doctors die and get to the Pearly Gates at the same time.

St. Peter asks the first one about his life. "Well, I was a medical missionary. I spent my whole career in service to the poor and disadvantaged" To which Pete replies "That's great! Come on in! Come on in!"

The second doctor tells about how he had a popular and lucrative private practice. "But I spent one day each week and the charity medical clinic, as a volunteer." To which Pete replies "That's great! Come on in! Come on in!"

The third doctor tells how he practiced as part of an HMO. No charity work at all. St. Peter thinks about it and then says Come on in! Come on in! But you can only stay for three days."
#43
Old 03-24-2015, 07:03 PM
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Location: rhode island
Posts: 38,826
A 40 year old lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. As St. Peter is showing him around he sees a young man drive by in a Ferrari. He asks St. Peter if they all get great cars like that but St. Peter tells him that young man died when he was 20 years old and because he missed so much of life on earth he gets a really nice car. Then they see another guy drive by in a Porsche, the lawyer asks St. Peter if he'll get a car like that and St. Peter said that young man was only 30 years old when he died and he gets a nice car also. Then they see an old man drive by on an electric scooter and St. Peter tells the lawyer that the old man was 80 years old and he'll be driving the same thing. The lawyer says "I should get a better car than that, I'm only 40 years old!" St. Peter says "No, we checked your billing records, you have to be at least 80".
#44
Old 03-24-2015, 07:33 PM
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Location: Beyond The Fringe
Posts: 28,183
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together. Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."

Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot."

St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"

This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. Larry found out that in Hell Sam owned a disco, and they spent the day there together and had a great time.

At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"

Larry looked around and said "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings."

St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?"

Larry gasped and said: "Oh no! I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"
#45
Old 03-24-2015, 08:40 PM
MLS MLS is offline
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Location: New Jersey
Posts: 7,843
Sister Margaret came to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Sister Margaret, we have a bit of a problem right now. There was a huge earthquake with many fatalities and we're having trouble getting all the rooms ready. Would you mind spending just one night in, um, the Other Place? You have been so virtuous all your life, I'm sure it wouldn't damage your pristine soul."

Sister Margaret replies, "Certainly I will. I have served the will of God for many years and will obey your request."

The next morning, there is a phone call up to the Gates. "Saint Peter," said Margaret, "Is my room ready yet?" "Oh, Sister Margaret," he replies. "There was a horrendous tsunami! We are more crowded now than we were yesterday. Would you mind spending just ONE more night?" "Of course," she says. "But I must confess something. Last night I smoked a cigarette. Will I still be able to get in?" "No problem at all," says the saint. "All is forgiven. We'll see you tomorrow."

So on the second morning she calls again. "Saint Peter, is my room ready?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. An avalanche swept away an entire village! We're expanding infinity to make room now. Please, can you wait another night?" "Yes," Sister Margaret says. "But I must make another confession. Last night, I drank alcohol. It was a Mar - Tiny, I think. Will I still be welcome?" "Oh, yes, of course. Until tomorrow, then."

On the third morning, the phone at the Pearly Gates rings again. "Yo, Pete! This is Peg! Cancel that room!"
#46
Old 03-25-2015, 11:14 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Villa Bennius
Posts: 607
Not exactly a joke, but I was shocked at how dark the humor was in this classic Tom and Jerry clip (watch from 2:15).

Kittens in a bag, really?
#47
Old 03-25-2015, 11:45 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Saint Paul
Posts: 26,475
A doctor, a lawyer and a musician arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks them what they've done that they felt was particularly noteworthy, to gain access to Heaven.

The doctor says, "I travelled the world, providing free health care to people in need. I've healed the sick, helped people all over the world."

St. Peter says, "You may enter."

The lawyer says, "I worked pro bono for people who couldn't afford a lawyer, and served on a Human Rights council bringing equal rights and justice to the poor people of the world."

St. Peter says, "You may enter."

The musician says, "I contributed most of my earnings to charities, and organized benefit concerts all over the world, fighting hunger, disease & injustice."

St. Peter says, "Okay, you go through the kitchen, past the steam tables..."
#48
Old 03-25-2015, 12:36 PM
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 12,749
Theodore Roosevelt went to Heaven, and told Saint Peter, "Heaven's wonderful, but the choir needs work. I'll reorganize it for you. Just send me the ten thousand greatest sopranos who ever lived, the ten thousand greatest altos, and the ten thousand greatest tenors."

Saint Peter said, "What about the basses?"

"Oh, I'll sing bass."
#49
Old 03-25-2015, 01:24 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 338
A famous director dies and goes to Heaven. St Peter tells him that God would like him to direct a movie. At first he refuses, but when he learns that the script will be by Shakespeare, the music by Mozart, the sets by DaVinci, and the male lead will be Lawrence Olivier, he accepts. "Who will the female lead be?" He asks. "Well, Jesus has a girlfriend who sings...."

A guy goes to heaven, and meets St. Peter. St Peter sets him up in a very nice space, and then asks if he wants anything else. He asks for something to eat, and while he waits for St. Peter to return gazes down to watch the people in hell, who when not being tortured, eat at a beautiful buffet. St. Peter returns with two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. "Hey, wait a minute. Why is the food in hell so much better?" St Peter replies "Things are catered down there, and it doesn't seem worth the trouble for just the two of us."

A guy goes to hell and is told he gets to choose his punishment. the first choice is a room full of people being whipped, the second being burned, the third, a beautiful woman having sex with a man chained to the bed. "This one!" he says. The woman looks at him with tears of gratitude in her eyes and says "Thank God! I thought I was going to be here forever!"
#50
Old 03-25-2015, 01:29 PM
mbh mbh is online now
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Posts: 4,009
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL
by George Carlin

In HEAVEN . . .

The Italians are the lovers,
The French cook the food,
The Swiss run the hotels,
The Germans are the mechanics,
And the English are the police.


In HELL . . .

The Swiss are the lovers,
The English cook the food,
The French run the hotels,
The Italians are the mechanics,
And the Germans are the police!
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