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Old 10-17-2010, 11:09 PM
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Post Your Best Shaggy Dog Jokes

So this moth goes into a podiatrist's office. The doctor asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"

The moth says, "Doc, I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes. The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. Doc, it just eats me up inside. My daughter's shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can't stand who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart. And my son... Doc, I just don't know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same digusting, snivelling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to pull out my gun and blow my own goddamned brains out. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss."

The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm just a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?"

And the moth says, "The light was on."
Old 10-17-2010, 11:31 PM
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A cowboy rides home to the ranch and finds that his house is burned to the ground, his horses have all been stolen, his livestock slaughtered, his dogs shot down, his wife raped and murdered and his ranch hands tortured and hanged. One man, barely alive, manages to gasp out before dying: "It. . .it. . .was Shanghai Pete." Grief-stricken, the cowboy buries his wife, his ranch hands and his dogs. He then drags all of the livestock to a pit and pushes them in, covering their corpses with lime. Rage begins to set in and the desire for revenge overwhelms him. He mounts his faithful horse and rides for town at a full gallop. Pulling up at the saloon in a cloud of dust, he jumps off his horse and collars the first person he sees. Grabbing him and shaking him, he screams in the man's face: "Do you know where Shanghai Pete can be found?!" "In. . .in. . .the s-s-saloon!" Stammers the man. The cowboy storms through the swinging doors and the saloon falls deathly silent. The cowboy scans the room from under the brim of his hat and says: "Which one of you low-life, motherfucking sonsabitches is Shanghai Pete, who burned down my house, stole my horses, killed all my livestock, shot down my dogs, raped and murdered my wife, and tortured and hanged all my ranch hands?" A man dressed in black, easily 6'8" tall and nearly as wide, turns from the bar with a shotgun in his hand and cocks both barrels. "I'm Shanghai Pete and I did all those things! So what!!?" he thundered.














"Well knock that shit off, okay?"

Last edited by Chefguy; 10-17-2010 at 11:32 PM.
Old 10-18-2010, 12:54 AM
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During the days when Native Americans were being forcibly and systematically removed from their ancestral lands, a small band of Cherokee had managed to elude the U.S. cavalry by using secret refuges in the Appalachian mountains. The only advantages they had were a particularly brutal winter that made navigating the mountains impossible for anyone without an intimate knowledge of them, and the brilliant leadership of their cunning war chief, Black Wolf.

Now Black Wolf was getting on in years, and he had never married or had any offspring. He knew the time was coming for him to name a successor, and his intended candidate was his nephew: Falling Rocks, so called because of the way he would fall on the enemy with the fury of a rock slide. However, the other members of the tribe would think that he favored Falling Rocks due to his kinship, rather than merit. Some in the tribe would rather he name another brave, Tall Bear, to be the new war chief. Tall Bear was perhaps the mightiest warrior in the tribe, but he was brash and impulsive-- he had no mind for strategy, and won his battles on brute force alone. Falling Rocks, however, was a tactician and leader. He knew when to fight, when to flee, and when to try diplomacy. Black Wolf knew that the future of his tribe depended on more than merely being a skilled warrior.

To reconcile the two sides, Black Wolf announced that the new war chief would be decided by a test, and invited all who were interested to participate. Seven braves met him atop a rocky peak, just as the spring thaw began to open the mountain routes.

"This is a test to determine who shall be the new war chief," Black Wolf addressed the assembled warriors, "You will walk in the direction of the setting sun, and return. Whoever travels the farthest shall be my successor. This test has no end-- only you can decide when you have traveled far enough."

The braves pack their belongings and depart the camp that evening, with Tall Bear and Falling Rocks racing to be the first through the pass. Despite being rivals, there was no animosity between them. They had fought alongside each other many times, and each felt that the other pushed him to his fullest potential.

After a few days, one of the braves returned. "I saw a great village of the whites, with more people than I ever knew lived on this world. It was heavily patrolled by soldiers and I felt I could go no further."

A few weeks pass, and another brave returns to the camp. "I visited vast lakes so large I thought they were part of the ocean, but the water was fresh, not salty. I encountered a great thunderous waterfall of tremendous power. At this point, I felt I could go no further."

A month passes, and the third brave makes his way back. "I saw a mighty river, larger than any I had seen before. I could find no way to cross its muddy waters, and was forced to turn back."

Another month passes until another brave returns from his quest. "I made it to vast plains, with no trees in sight. Mighty horned beasts grazed in herds beyond counting. Their hooves shook the ground like thunder. I dared not risk being lost to the anger of these creatures, and had to turn back.

Months pass, and the fifth brave returns to the tribe. "On my travels I discovered another range of mountains. Unlike ours, these were sharp and jagged, piercing the sky with their height. I thought that this must be the backbone of the world, but I could find no way to cross them, and could go no further.

Still, neither Falling Rocks nor Tall Bear had returned, and the tribe had been severely weakened without them. They could not access their hunting grounds, which were now overrun with whites, and winter was once again threatening to seize the mountains in ice. The elders of the tribe were pressuring Black Wolf to name his successor now, because they could not survive waiting around for anyone else to return. Black Wolf held out for as long as he could, every day sitting on the peak where he had issued his challenge, watching the pass for the return of his nephew. Finally, the rest of the tribe had had enough, and demanded that he name the brave who most recently returned as war chief. Just then, a lone figure staggered through the mountain pass, wrapped in buffalo skins and holding some sort of strange shell. It was Tall Bear.

"I walked until I encountered another ocean. It was similar to ours, but I could tell it was also quite different. The life that inhabits it was unlike what we catch in our waters. However, I could find no way to go any further."

Black Wolf knew that he couldn't wait for Falling Rocks any longer, and named Tall Bear the new war chief, but every day he would go to the peak and watch the pass for his nephew. Eventually the cold winter air struck him with an illness that he knew he would not survive. Calling Tall Bear and the other braves to him, he told them that he still knew in his heart that Falling Rocks was still alive, and it was his dying wish to have the tribe always keep vigil for when he returns. Tall Bear and the other braves swore to never stop waiting for their brother in battle.



And that's why, to this day, when traveling in those mountains, you can still see signs that say "Watch for Falling Rocks"
Old 10-18-2010, 08:56 AM
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A traveler books to stay at a famed European hotel renowned for its ability to cater to the most difficult and rare desires of its clientele. His bags are taken from his limousine, he is shown through a lavish lobby with original Rubens oils adorning the walls, through gold trimmed hallways to his room. The bellhop shows him in and asks if he needs anything.

"Yes," he replies. "A blonde, blue-eyed virgin girl between the ages of 14 and 15 1/2, four pieces of braided - not wound! - cotton cord of precisely eight feet in length, a cat-o-nine tails, and a Hungarian coachman with a dark complexion. And please be quick about it, as I've had a long journey and need to relax."

The bellhop clicks his heels smartly says, "Right away sir!", and leaves with an unhurried, but efficient air of purpose.

Ten minutes later the phone rings. It's the hotel concierge. "The braided cotton cord sir - would you prefer Egyptian or Persian cotton?"

"Egyptian, of course."

"As I suspected sir. Thank you."

Ten minutes later there is a knock at the door. It's the hotel manager, and behind him are the bellhop and the hotel concierge. All are wearing expressions of seriousness and concern.

The manager indicates the concierge with a nod and says, "Sir, we have been working to fill your request. As you know, we pride ourselves on our ability to provide any and all comforts to our guests and will stop at nothing to assure the best of service. That being said, I feel obliged to update you on our progress.

"We have located a young girl of the description you provided. She is fairly blonde and blue eyed, but I must tell you very few ladies in our fair city reach the age of 14 with their virginity intact. However, I assure you we have expended considerable effort in procuring one of the rarer ones. I can report further success in obtaining the cotton cord you require - I have personally ensured it is not only braided and of the finest quality Egyptian cotton, but never before touched by human hands. We have similarly availed ourselves of resources sufficient to lay hands upon a cat-o-nine tails made by the very leather maker who provides equestrian necessities to the royal heads of Europe.

"However, I am DEVASTATED to report that we have as yet been unable to locate a Hungarian coachman with a dark complexion. We can, however, offer a Romanian coachman who otherwise meets or exceeds your specifications in every way. Bearing in mind that sir will of course receive no bill of any sort, owing to the unprecedented and inexcusable excursion from our usual service, I wonder if this would be a satisfactory substitution?"










"Never mind. Just send up coffee and today's paper."
Old 10-18-2010, 09:51 AM
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There's a man crawling through the desert...
Old 10-18-2010, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by KennerTheGreat View Post
Wow. Just... wow.
Old 10-18-2010, 11:01 AM
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There's a shaggy dog joke I'm known for because it takes me around 50 minutes to tell it to whatever poor soul happened to request that I tell it (and other mad fools request that the dupes request I tell it).
It changes every time, but the basic crux is this:

There's this conductor whose wife wanted him to make some more money, so she requests that he steal a penny for every dime that he makes. Paycheck comes and he steals a penny for every dime that he makes. Wife says "great! We're going to buy some new furniture!"

Well next week comes and the wife says "I want you to steal not one penny but two pennies for every dime that you make."
So his paycheck comes and he steals not one penny but two pennies for every dime that he makes. Wife says "Great! we're going to buy a new car!"

Well next week comes and the wife says "I want you to steal not one penny not two pennies but three pennies for every dime that you make."
So his paycheck comes and he steals not one penny not two pennies but three pennies for every dime that he makes. Wife says "Great! we're going to buy a new house!"

And on and on it goes. Up to "Not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that you make"

At that point the police come and arrest him for stealing not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that he makes.

He goes before the circuit judge who asks him "You stand accused of stealing not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that you make," how do you plead?

"Guilty your honor!"

"Then we sentence you to death by electrocution!"

To which they strap him down and throw the switch and then they realize that HE'S STILL ALIVE!

So they take before the district judge, same thing as before. Then the state supreme court panel. The Supreme Court. The UN. Just find as many ways to elongate the joke and throw in the phrase "Not one penny not two pennies not three pennies not four pennies not five pennies not six pennies not seven pennies not eight pennies not nine pennies but ten pennies for every dime that you make"

By the end of the joke they've blacked out the entire three state area surrounding him trying to throw 1.21 jigawatts of electricity through him in order to get him to die. But nothing seems to work!

Why? Why someone asks? How can this possibly be?

"Because," he says simply "I'm a conductor."
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Puedo tenerz las hamburguesas conz queso?!?
Old 10-18-2010, 11:32 AM
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Joe, a teenaged boy, gets his weekly allowance from his mother. He decides to go out and treat himself to some ice cream. Half an hour later, he returns.

"So Joe, what did you do?" asks his mother. Joe replies "I went out to the ice cream parlor and bought myself an ice cream." "Oh, that's nice", says his mother. "What flavor did you get?" Joe says "Strawberry." Joe's mother explodes, "Strawberry?!? Why, you little liar! Just wait until your father gets home!"

A few hours later, Joe's father comes home. The mother says "You would not believe what Joe told me. He needs to be punished." Joe's father says "OK, calm down. Joe, what happened?"

Joe says "Mom gave me my allowance, so I went out to the ice cream parlor and bought myself an ice cream. Then I came home, and mom asked me what flavor of ice cream I got. I told her, and she got really mad!"

Dad says "Really? That's pretty unreasonable. Joe, you didn't do anything wrong. You are not in trouble. By the way, what flavor did you get?" "Strawberry." "You little son of a bitch! How dare you lie to me? I'm so mad, I'm calling the cops!"

A few minutes later, the cops arrive. "OK, son, tell us your side of the story."

Joe says "Mom gave me my allowance, so I went out to the ice cream parlor and bought myself an ice cream. Then I came home, and mom asked me what flavor of ice cream I got. I told her, and she got really mad! So when dad got home, I told him what happened, and he got so mad that he called you! Are you going to arrest me?"

The cops glared at Joe's parents. "Sir, 911 is for serious emergencies only. We don't have time to investigate petty complaints like these. Please do not waste out time like this. Another call like this and we'll have to write you a ticket."

"So I'm not in trouble?" asks Joe.

"No, son, you're not in trouble. By the way, what flavor ice cream did you get?"

"Strawberry."

"On the ground, NOW! Hands behind your head! Move it, scumbag!" The cops procede to taser the shit out of Joe.

Months later, Joe is in court. The judge asks "What is this case about?" The defense attorney begins "Your honor, my client is completely innocent. He got his allowance from his mother, proceded to the ice cream parlor, had ice cream, and returned home. Any reasonable person would conclude that this is a perfectly reasonable course of action for any young man. And yet, he was arrested, beaten, and tased by the arresting officers. We ask that all charges be dropped. Furthermore, we ask that charges be brought against the arresting officers."

The judge asks the prosecution for his opening statement. "Your honor, the prosecution has no case. We request that the case be dismissed."

The judge addresses Joe. "Son, the state apologizes for any inconvenience that this misunderstanding has caused. You are free to go."

Joe smiles, gets up, and turns to leave the courthouse. The judge says "You're a good boy. I like ice cream too. By the way, what flavor did you get." Joe mumbles "Strawberry." "Boy, I could have you hanged for that! But rope is too good for you. I never, ever, want to see you again. You are to leave town, and never return. You disgust me. If you ever step foot in this town again, I will personally see to it that you get the death penalty."

Completely dejected, Joe leaves the courthouse. As he is crossing the street, he gets run over by a reckless driver and killed.

The moral of the story?


























Look both ways before you cross the street.
Old 10-18-2010, 11:36 AM
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Gérard Leahey, Bingo Caller

Bingo Callers have pride in their work. Who knew? I didn't - that is until I met Gérard Leahey, Bingo Caller.

He started this career innocently enough, when called upon in grade school to call the numbers in the bingo based game that is supposed to help kids with math. The teacher, who would usually call the numbers, had a sore throat. Gérard found that he could be charmingly entertaining while calling, without disrupting the flow of the game.

Of course this was long forgotten after high school. He enrolled in an art history in college. While attending he chanced to be asked to help out at a charity fund raiser. The fund raiser, you guessed it, was a bingo and he provided the service of caller. He easily found his pace and it was generally agreed he was the best caller the regulars had ever heard. One octogenarian suggested he work weekends at the usual bingo hall she frequented.

It turns out that good Bingo Callers are a sought after commodity. Your fair sized bingo halls pay a good buck for "talent." That - plus tips - and Gérard stumbled into a job that he thought at first would be merely jingle change. These weekends he would develop his timing, his patter, his clever tagline commentary "clickety-click, sixty-six" and the like. The proprietor asked him to work full time. Art history classes became history.

After several long years Gérard became somewhat of a celebrity - at least in the small town in which he worked. He had stopped working weekends long ago in favour of the weekdays and some evenings which featured younger, more interactive crowds. Gérard was happy.

So it is not without a bit of irony that what lead to Gérard's later difficulties occurred at a charity function at the very venue where his career was launched (albeit for a different charity). It was, however, a senior's function. While Gérard felt obliged to help out, he did not look forward it.

And sure enough, his trademark quick style and his banter was met with shouts of, "Slow down, sonny!" and "Could you repeat that!" He was off his game. He was restless and bored. Between each numbers he had to wait, and wait, and wait while watching a sea of bobbing blue haired heads wave through the room and the soft mooud, mooud of bingo dabbers. To keep his sanity between numbers he would fidget. He called one number, then grab the next (as was his custom) and while waiting to call the number in his hand he would toss the ball into the air and catch it in his shirt pocket... catch it behind his back... catch it in his teeth.

It was with this last stunt that it happened. Just as he caught the ball in his teeth, a little old lady in the table just in front of him yelled, "BINGO!" with a force that startled him. He ulped, and swallowed the ball he had just deftly caught. With all the attention on the winner, no one had noticed. Gérard was not about to let such an incident affect his reputation, so he told no one. He confirmed the winner, finished his duties for the evening, collected his pay then quietly left.

But later that evening it started. The nausea. The bloated feeling in his gut. The discomfort while going to the bathroom. It was too much. The next day he was a wreck.

So he went to the emergency room. Not trusting doctor/patient confidentiality, Gérard described his symptoms but did not explain the incident. He was too embarassed, to boot. The puzzled doctor took X-Rays. After examining them he said to Gérard, "You have the strangest tumour I've ever seen. But don't worry. It's benign."

Originally posted here
Old 10-18-2010, 12:05 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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That reminds me of Levine. Good old Levine.

You know Levine, right? Of course you do. Everyone knows Levine.

There was this one night when Levine was out at this bar. This guy Joe was standing at the bar, and Levine tapped him on the shoulder and said "Hey, don't you know who I am?" Joe said "No, why the hell should I?" Levine said "I'm Levine. Everybody knows me." Joe said "Yeah, whatever, buddy." Levine said "No, really. Everybody knows me. Hey everyone, who am I?" Everyone in the bar shouted "Levine! Yay, Levine!"

Joe said "Yeah, sure, maybe everyone in this bar knows you. But they don't know you in any bars on the other side of town."

Levine said "Sure they do. Everyone knows me." To prove it. Joe and Levine took a cab across town and went into a different bar. When they walked in, Levine shouted "Hey everyone, who am I?" Everone shouted "Levine! Yo, Levine! Yay!"

"Sure", Joe said. "Average people in bars know you, but I bet the governor doesn't know you." So off they went to the governor's mansion. The butler answered the door. "Ah, Mr. Levine. The governor was just asking about you. Come on in."

Joe said "OK, so the governor knows you. I'd bet that the President doesn't know you." So off they went to the White House.

Hours later they were in the Oval Office. "So Levine, good buddy. It's been a long time. What do you say we go out in my limo and pick up a couple of ugly chicks and 'feel their pain', heh heh heh?"

"Alright", says Joe. "Everyone in bars knows you. The governor knows you. The President knows you. But I'm SURE that the Pope doesn't know you." So off they went to Vatican City.

When they got there, Levine said "Now Joe, not everyone gets to see the Pope. So here's what we're going to do. I'll go in, and I'll get the Pope to walk around with me in that balcony up there. Then you'll see that the Pope knows who I am."

Levine walked into the Vatican. A few minutes later, he and the Pope were on the balcony. He looked down, and saw Joe passed out. He ran downstairs and ot the door. "Joe, Joe! You OK, Joe?" Joe revived. "Joe, what happened? Did you faint?"

Joe said "Yeah, I guess I did. I was standing here, looking at you and the Pope, when a couple of nuns came by and asked 'Hey, who's that up there with Levine?'"
Old 10-18-2010, 01:34 PM
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Guy goes in to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm feeling kind of run down. Just don't have any energy, no get-up-and-go."

The doc gives him an exam, and finds nothing particularly noteworthy.

So, he starts asking about his lifestyle and diet. "What did you have for breakfast this morning?"

The man replied, "snooker balls, just like every morning." (This joke was told to me by an Englishman, and so "snooker" it is, not "pool".)

"Snooker balls! What kind?"

"Well, this morning, I had a red one, a purple one, and a blue stripe. I also like the yellows, the oranges, and sometimes the black one, when I'm in the mood."

The doc smiles, and says, "I think I know what the problem is."

"What, doctor?"

"You're not getting enough greens."
Old 10-18-2010, 02:22 PM
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It's Germany in 1943. Ira is sneaking home through the back alleyways of Warsaw to get home from Temple. Suddenly, he's confronted by Hitler himself.

Hitler pulls a gun and says, "Ha! A Jew! I'm going to kill you personally. But before I do, I want to have some fun with you. See that pile of dogshit? Eat some of it."

Ira has no choice so he starts to eat some of the dogshit. Hitler begins to laugh so hard that he drops the gun. Thinking quickly, Ira picks it up. "Ha! Hitler! I'm going to kill you personally. But before I do, I want to have some fun with you. See that pile of dogshit? Eat some of it."

Hitler has no choice so he starts to eat some of the dogshit. Ira begins to laugh so hard that he drops the gun. Thinking quickly, Hitler picks it up. But too late. Ira has run away.

When Ira gets home, his wife is mad. "Where have you been?"

Ira smiles. "Honey, you won't believe who I just had lunch with!"
Old 10-18-2010, 03:07 PM
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Location: Denver City Denver
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When I was stationed in Sicily in the 80s, there was a dependent wife who went to the doctor for continous heart burn and upset stomach. She was of the more Zaftig body type, and at the appointment found out she was seven months pregnant.

She was airlifted to a hospital in Germany, and gave birth almost six weeks prematurely. The baby was fine, except for the fact that he was born with no eyelids.

With gauze on his eyes to keep them moist, the doctor decided to try a new skin graft therapy utilizing the foreskin to shape eyelids and tendons from the fingers to allow the child to blink.

There was a follow story about two weeks ago in the Stars and Stripes. He has just graduated from college, and is off to med school, a perfectly healthy normal looking, even handsome young man.
















Of course, he's still a litlle cock eyed.
Old 10-18-2010, 03:55 PM
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My uncle lives next door to a crazy cat lady. This woman has tons and tons of cats, but her favorite cat is this ugly little hairless cat that follows her around everywhere.

One day my uncle was using a weed eater on the edges of his lawn when the hairless cat jumped out of the bushes and ran right under his feet. My uncle nearly fell over but managed to catch hold of the fence and right himself…but the cat wasn’t so lucky…the weed eater had sliced the cat’s tail clean off.

My uncle, of course, felt terrible about this and knowing that it was crazy cat lady’s favorite cat, he spent some time chasing the wounded cat around the yard and finally trapped it in the garage and managed to carry it and its severed tail over to crazy cat lady’s house.

Crazy cat lady was very upset and since she didn’t drive my uncle offered to do whatever he could including driving her and the cat to the veterinarian’s office. Crazy Cat Lady agreed and they ran to the car and started off. They were heading to the nearest vet’s office when the lady grabbed my Uncle’s arm and yelled, “Where are you going!? You’re going the wrong way!”

“No,” said my uncle, “The nearest vet is just a block over in this direction.”

“But Wal-mart is the other way!” cried the Crazy Cat Lady.

“Wal-mart?” questioned my uncle, “How can you think of going shopping at a time like this? I’ll take you shopping after the vet takes care of the cat.”

“We have to go to Wal-mart” sobbed Crazy Cat Lady.

“Why?” asked my uncle.








“Because they are the world’s largest retailer!”
Old 10-18-2010, 04:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KennerTheGreat View Post
T

Took me a second, until I realised the punchline has to be said in an American accent to work!
Old 10-18-2010, 04:52 PM
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My friend had a few ones- I'm going to summerize to make them less painful. One was about a guy staying in a hotel room at the top of a 99-step stairway. He brings his luggage up the steps, one, two, three, four, etc. The next morning he drags his luggage down the 99 steps (again, count every single one of them), eats a bowl of Cheerios, and leaves.
The next day another guy checks into the room at the top of the stairs, up 99 steps, etc, comes down 99 etc, eats a bowl of Cheerios, and leaves.
Nest day, a third guy... well, you know how it goes. Upstairs, downstairs, Froot Loops, leaves.

The moral of the story? "Two out of three people chose Cheerios for breakfast."


Another hotel story had a guy trying to check into Room 19. The manager tells him that room is only for rabbis, but it's the only room vacant and the guy insists. So the manager says, "Okay, but whatever you do, don't open the closet." The mans checks in, hears scary noises from the closet in the middle of the night, and gets the heck outta there in the morning. Then another guy tries to check into Room 19... same deal. Maybe you can even throw a third guy the next day, if you want to drag it out.
Then a rabbi comes in. The manager says, "Here's the key to Room 19. Just don't tell any non-rabbi what's in the closet." Rabbi beds down, goes to sleep, and wakes up in the middle of the night because there are funny noises coming from the closet. He gets up, opens the door, and faints away.

At this point, you pause and act like the joke's over, until your listener says, "So, what was in the closet?" And you say, "I can't tell you. You're not a rabbi."
(My friend and I speculated that maybe it was a rebbetzen).


Another friend likes shaggy tales where the guy dies right before he was going to find out something. Her favorite is a version of tnd's "strawberry icecream" story, but in hers a cruel second-grader gets his classmate to whisper "green tangerine" to their teacher. At the end, after he's grown up and just after he's released from prison, the old bully calls him and tells him that if he comes over, he (bully) will tell him (victim) what "green tangerine" means. He gets hit by a car one block from the bully's house.


Yet another one- a Bluebeard-type man tells his wives never to ask him why his pool is L-shaped. When they do ask, he kills them. When the police catch him, of course, they themselves want to know why the pool is L-shaped and what the signifcance is. The murderer drops dead of a heart attack before he can answer.


And a non-death one: I don't remember the details, but there's a note that the guy is not supposed to open until ___(?). After many, many years, the conditions come to pass, and he is given the instruction to cloimb up a mountain and read it there. He climbs up, gets out the note, and a sudden wind blows it away.
Old 10-18-2010, 05:53 PM
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The bell ringer

The bell ringer at the cathedral had retired after many years of service, so the priest placed an ad in the paper for a new bell ringer. The next day, a man came to apply for the job, but the priest couldn't help noticing that he had no arms.

"How are you going to ring the bell with no arms?" he asked. "Let me show you, the man replied."

So they trudged up the many stair to the bell tower. The man stood against the wall, got a running start and ran at full speed toward the largest bell. When he struck the bell with his face, it made the most beautiful sound that the priest had ever heard.

Then the man ran at another bell and with the first bell still resonating, the harmony was magnificent. He ran again at a third bell, but this time he slipped and instead of hitting the bell he skidded out the window and fell to his death on the ground below.

The priest ran downstairs and outside, where a crowd had formed around the dead man's body. "Who is this?" the crowd asked. The priest replied,

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"Well, I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
Old 10-18-2010, 05:54 PM
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The bell ringer, Part 2

About a week later, another man came to see the priest. He looked just like the first man, including the fact that he had no arms.

"I understand that my twin brother was here last week and met an unfortunate demise," the man said. "It was always his ambition to be a bell ringer at a great cathedral, and I appreciate you giving him a chance."

"Since he was unable to fulfill his lifetime goal, I insist that you let me have the job in his honor," said the man.

"Well," said the priest, "You can try if you wish, but I must warn you it's very dangerous. That's how your brother died."

But the man insisted, and they went up to the bell tower. This time, the armless man was able to ring five of the bells and the resulting melody enchanted everyone who heard it. But as he was attempting the sixth bell, he too slipped and fell to his death.

Again, the priest rushed downstairs, and again the crowd asked, "Who is this man?"

This time, the priest replied,

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"He never told me his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Old 10-18-2010, 06:51 PM
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A traveler was headed down a lonely road when it began to rain. Luckily he happened upon a monastery just off the side of the road. He knocked on the door and was greeted by one of the monks. He asked if he could stay the night, to which the monk replied that their order would gladly shelter him, as long as he stayed out of the tower with no doors.

As he settled down for the night he suddenly heard an ungodly noise coming from the tower the monk mentioned, a cross between screaming and the wind on aluminum foil. Then suddenly it stopped and he soon fell asleep. He awoke refreshed and asked one of the monks about the sound, but the monk replied that only monks of their monastery may know what is in the tower.

He thanked the monks for their hospitality and went on his way. About a year later he returned to the monastery and asked about becoming a monk. The head monk replied that if he would aid the monastery in small ways they would consider him. So for the next five years he helped tend the gardens, clean the windows, and learn of the monks' religion. He even once helped them recover a holy relic to be housed in the monastery.

Eventually the head monk told the traveler he was ready to become a monk and initiated him. The monks recited a prayer for such an occasion and provided him with a robe of their brotherhood, and the head monk said it was time to see what was in the tower. The head monk led the new initiate down into the catacombs, deeper and deeper until the head monk found and pressed a loose brick. This opened a secret passage leading to a spiral stair.

Up, up they went. Their legs grew tired until the head monk opened a trap door leading to a room surrounded with ivy covered trellises. They were inside the tower now. The head monk opened a door leading to another spiral staircase leading to the room at the very top of the tower.

The head monk pulled out a key and unlocked the wooden door, pulling it aside to reveal a rusty iron door. The door clattered as the head monk pulled it open, and behind it was a titanium door. The head monk pressed a six digit PIN on a panel on the door and it slid open.

The room was at first too dark to see anything. The head monk flipped a switch and a dim light bulb flickered on. Finally the traveler saw with his own eyes the source of that mysterious sound which he had spent all those years laboring to discover.

SPOILER:
But I can't tell you what it was, because you're not a monk
Old 10-18-2010, 07:17 PM
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Sam Clam and Larry lobster were the best of friends living at the bottom of the ocean. They were practically inseparable, which explains how they both got caught in a lobster trap together and died together.

Larry Lobster found himself at the Gates of Heaven talking to Peter.

"Larry, welcome to Eternity. Here you will be eternally happy before God."

Larry was overwhelmed by the glorious sights, but one thought crept in, "Peter, I am overjoyed to be allowed the glories of the Kingdom of Heaven, but where is my friend Sam Clam. I wish to be with him at this happy time."

Peter looking a bit puzzled started paging through a large book. After a few minutes he closed that book and pulled out an even larger, thicker black book. Finally he stopped and stabbed at the page, "Ah-ha! Sam Clam is in Hell."

"Hell?" asked Larry Lobster, incredulously. "There must be some mistake, Sam and I were together all the time. How could I and not..."

Peter cut him off, "Apparently Sam lied once and once had an impure thought. Please, Sam is not worthy of you or of this place. Take pleasure in all of the glory."

"Can I at least visit Sam and say goodbye?"

A horrified Peter responded, "Of course not! You cannot visit Hell, you are in heaven. Please Larry, go get your robe, wings, and harp and take refuge in the beauty which awaits you."

Larry acquiesced to Peter, but he remained despondent and sad, despite being in Heaven and all it promised. Larry frequently requested the opportunity to visit his friend Sam Clam. Each time Peter rebuffed him. Larry's depression was so extreme that others in Heaven were not enjoying the afterlife as they had been promised. Eventually God heard of this and summoned Peter.

"Peter, what is wrong with Larry Lobster?" And Peter explained. "Did you tell him it was not reasonable to go to Hell once you had attained Heaven?" And Peter explained that he had. "Then I guess we must make an exception, under certain conditions..." and God explained to Peter what Peter explained to Larry.

"Larry you may go to Hell to visit your friend, Sam Clam. However, you must return before the clock strikes twelve, you must not damage or lose your three Holy possessions: your robe, your wings, or your harp. Do you understand?"

"Oh yes, yes, thank you! Thank you!" and with that Larry rushed down to Hell to visit Sam Clam.

When he got there he was startled to see Sam Clam running a disco. People were dancing and drinking and it was dark so Larry could not find Sam right away. Then from behind he heard "Larry Lobster is that you? I thought you were in Heaven?"

Larry turned around and saw his old friend Sam Clam, dressed to the nines, "Sam I just came to visit and to finally say goodbye."

The two of them talked and reminisced for hours. Larry was enjoying himself immensely, totally oblivious to the time when Sam Clam said "You had better go, it is almost time"

"But I want to stay here..."

"No Larry, this is not your place. There are things here I won't mention. Go back to Heaven and be happy."

So with tears in their eyes they said their good-byes. Larry rushed up to Heaven and reached the Gates just as the clock struck twelve. Peter was waiting.

"Larry, you barely made it," said Peter.

"I know but I..."

"And your robe is filthy, " said a disgusted Peter.

"I can explain, you see..."

"And your wings! One is ripped and the other is practically fallen off," chastised Peter.

"Funny you should mention that, because..."

"And your harp, Larry, where is your harp?" asked a disappointed Peter.

"Oh dear," answered Larry, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco."
Old 10-18-2010, 08:58 PM
KRC KRC is offline
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I was once driving a truckload of cough syrup across the desert. I'm a bit of an addict so I grabbed a bottle to swig on as I drove. As night fell I heard a bang and realized one of my tires had blown; since it was too dark to see well enough to fix the tire I decided to find shelter for the night.

I remembered seeing a cabin back down the road aways. Grabbing my cough syrup and stashing it in my pocket I walked back towards it. When I reached it I knocked on the door but no one answered, so finally I broke in through a window. It was obvious no one had lived there in years.

I pulled out my cigarette lighter and managed to get a fire going in the fire place. So warm! It was the perfect place to spend a lonely night.

Then I heard a noise. I looked up and saw it--a coffin floating towards me. I jumped up and ran to another room of the cabin but the coffin followed me.I dodged the coffin and ran to another room but it still kept following me while making this hideous moaning noise.

I must have run around that cabin for an hour. By then I was completely exhausted and thinking I was doomed. Then I remembered something.

I pulled my bottle of cough syrup out of my pocket and took a swig.







And the coffin stopped.
Old 10-19-2010, 01:14 PM
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Location: Washington DC
Posts: 9,889
I think I've seen this on this board before, but what the hell...

Jeffery is a young man growing up in a small midwestern town. He's a bit of a mama's boy, bookish and overly sensitive, but basically a nice guy. One day the circus comes to town. Everyone in town is excited. There's not a lot to do there, and this story takes place in the mid-century, before the internet or satellite TV.

The circus sells out, but Jeffery makes sure to get a good seat. He's a few rows back from the front.

The circus starts with a clown act. A couple of clowns run out, telling jokes and engaging in tomfoolery. Suddenly, one of the clowns points at Jeffery.

"You sir, would you mind standing up please"
"Me?"
"Yes, sir, please stand up."

Jeffery stands.
"Well," says the clown, "I see the horse's ass, but where's the rest of the horse?"

The whole audience erupts in laughter, but Jeffery is mortified and humiliated. He runs out of the circus and back to his house where he sits in shame and cries.

After a few months he's reading a magazine and notices an ad. "School for witty retorts." Hm, maybe this will help me be less sensitive he thinks. So he applies for the course, even though it's pretty expensive. He sends money in and gets a few worksheets.

This goes on for a while until he gets a letter from the school. "Sir, I have to confess that my school is basically a scam. I'm not qualified to give degrees in witty retorts. However I've noticed that you really have a talent for this. I feel bad taking your money. I've still got a few contacts in the legit retort world, and I'd like to recommend you for a spot in U Penn's school of witty retorts."

So Jeffery goes to Penn's program, one of the more highly regarded schools of witty retorts in the country. His professors are amazed by his talent. He gets straight A's without working too hard and is accepted into Stanford's graduate school of witty retorts. Even before he gets his PhD in witty retorts his reputation spreads. He is consulted by businessmen and politicians. Even the pope sends a discreet emissary to get tips on dealing with a couple of obstreperous cardinals.

After graduation his consulting business takes off. He spends a lot of time travelling, but returns to live in his home town, as it's familiar and he can be close to his mother. He's a bit of a local celebrity, but is very modest about his achievments.

One day he sees that the circus is coming to town; the same circus that humiliated him a dozen years earlier. He makes sure he gets the same seat he had before. The circus again sells out. Again the same clowns open the show. They don't seem to recognize him. (although he has a bit of fame, he is discreet and rarely photographed.) Again they ask him to stand.

"Well," says the clown, "I see the horse's ass, but where's the rest of the horse?"

The whole town turns and looks at Jeffery, eagerly waiting for his reply. Jeffery takes a deep breath and in a clear distinct voice says

SPOILER:
Fuck You, Clown!

Last edited by Larry Borgia; 10-19-2010 at 01:18 PM.
Old 10-19-2010, 03:29 PM
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A couple go to a movie and find that a few seats to their right is a man and his dog. The dog seemed well behaved enough so they didn't call an usher to complain. They watch the movie and notice that during the action scenes, the dog is on the edge of his seat, watching intently. During the the happy scenes, the dog wagged his tail happily. In the sad scenes, the dog would whimper. And in the scary scenes, the dog hid under the seat. When the movie was over, the couple approached the dog owner. The wife said "We can't believe how much your dog enjoyed the movie." The dog's owner replied "Me either. He didn't like the book."
Old 10-19-2010, 04:03 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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I think a lot of people in this thread don't know what a shaggy dog joke actually is. Funny jokes, just about all of them, but only some are shaggy.

Kenner, I was going to post that monk joke, but couldn't quite remember it. When it was told to me (thankfully only once!) the guy who told it took FOREVER. He had a whole part where "They went up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and..." And he repeated that part at least four times.
Old 10-19-2010, 09:48 PM
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I can't believe nobody has told the one that "shaggy dog" stories are named after.

There once was a man who led a lonely life. He had no wife or children, and no living relatives. He worked the night shift as a lighthouse keeper, so he had no co-workers or friends. He thought the loneliness would kill him, so one day he decided to get a dog to keep him company. He went down the lighthouse steps and opened the door, and lo and behold, there was a dog sitting there. The man brought the dog into the lighthouse, fed him, bathed him, and cleaned him up; the dog thumped his tail on the floor and panted with a dog's grin, and the man knew he'd found his companion.

The next day, the man brought the dog into town to have him checked out by the local vet, just to make sure he didn't have anything wrong with him health-wise. The vet took one look at the dog and said, "WOW! This dog is the shaggiest dog I've ever seen in my life. I've seen some shaggy dogs in my time, but this one takes the cake. You know what you should do? You should enter this dog in the "Shaggiest Dog In Town" contest they're having this weekend."

The vet gave the man a flyer advertising the contest, and the man decided to do it. He brought the dog to the park where the contest was being held and entered him. There were a lot of shaggy dogs at the contest, and the judges were all arguing about which dog should win, until they saw the lighthouse keeper's dog. "Holy moly!" the first judge said. "That's one seriously shaggy dog!" the second judge looked at the dog with amazement and said, "I agree. I've never seen such a shaggy dog anywhere. I think we have a winner." the third judge agreed, "You guys have nailed it - none of these other dogs are even close to being as shaggy as this one." They awarded the blue ribbon to the man's dog, gave him $100 in prize money, and told him about the "Shaggiest Dog In the State" contest the following weekend.
(I'll condense this just a bit.)
The man takes the dog to the State contest, and after a whole lot of exclamations about how shaggy the dog is, they award him the blue ribbon and $1,000 in prize money, and tell him about the "Shaggiest Dog In the U.S." contest in Washington, DC, the following weekend. The man's dog wins that one too, takes the blue ribbon and $10,000 in prize money, and they tell him about the "Shaggiest Dog in the World" contest in the Pyrenees the following weekend. It costs him all the prize money he's won so far to get there, but he does it. The day of the contest arrives, with a cool million in prize money at stake. The man and his dog wait all morning. Finally the judge arrives and looks at the dog. He turns to the man and says,
SPOILER:
"This dog doesn't look that shaggy to me."
Old 10-19-2010, 11:13 PM
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^Version I'd heard was that the shaggy dog gets lost, and the missing sign goes on and on and on about how shaggy he is, and so this guy starts looking from shelter to shelter to find the shaggiest dog he can... and when he brings to the dog to the shaggy-dog owners, they take one look and say, "Not that shaggy."
Old 10-20-2010, 09:58 AM
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One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb.

Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb.

On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
Harry really liked his advantage now!

He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed once again caught the best of him.

He climbed to the next level, and sure enough, on the next level, two gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed women lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take us now or climb the ladder to success," they huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed once again caught the best of him.

He climbed to the next level, and sure enough, on the next level, three gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed women lying seductively on the cloud. The most beautiful he had ever seen.
"Take us now or climb the ladder to success," they huskily whispered.
Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed once again caught the best of him.

(...)

[Make it go on and on and on with women in ever-increasing numbers with ever-increasing charms until the audience shows signs of exasperation]

(...)

Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him.

He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos, foul-smelling, covered with flies. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers,

SPOILER:
"Hello, I'm Cess"
Old 10-20-2010, 11:44 AM
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I'll have to nominate one I wrote myself.
Old 10-20-2010, 09:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Borgia View Post
SPOILER:
Fuck You, Clown!
This one is my favorite, as well.

It was the first "shaggy dog" joke I had ever heard (I was 13.) My friend, god bless him, told it perfectly. Probably took him 20 minutes with all the great embellishments. When I heard the punchline, I was all like:





Old 11-04-2010, 09:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunspace View Post
Wow. Just... wow.
And after all that, the ending doesn't even work in an English accent!
Old 11-04-2010, 01:09 PM
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Chief Bearclaw had everything a chief of the Native Americans could want... except a son and heir to follow him. So he went to the medicine man one fine day and asked him for advice. The medicine man promised to look into the matter, and he went into the mountains and performed the sacred rituals and entered the medicine trance where he conversed with his spirit guide. When he returned he called on Chief Bearclaw and handed him a raven's feather. "You must go on a great journey," he said. "The feather will show you the way. And when you return home you must bring three animal skins with you. You will see many strange animals on your way and your heart will tell you which ones to skin. And when you return, I, or my son after me, will tell you what to do with them."

Bearclaw's odyssey led him towards the setting sun for many days until he reached the great Sea. There he took passage on a passing ship and many months later disembarked in a strange land where some of the men were white and wore clothes, and others were black and wore next to nothing. His spirit led him to follow the black men into the wilds where the land was hot and dry and hardly anything grew. There he saw a strange animal, larger than a deer, with hindpaws nearly as big as itself, and on these it hopped about faster than a man could run. It was the strangest animal Bearclaw had ever seen or heard of, even in stories, and by signs he gave the black men to know that he wanted to learn its name. "Kangaroo", they told him; and he caught one and skinned it.

His journey led him still further westward and another crossing of the great sea, until he came to a land where some of the men were brown and others were white. He learned that some of the white men and some of the brown men were off on a hunt to catch a terrible man-killer that was bigger and more fearsome than the mountain lion of his homeland, and he joined the hunt and so proved his worth in running the dreadful orange-black striped cat to earth that he was allowed to keep the hide. By signs he gave the white men to understand that he wanted to know the name of the animal, and they told him "Tiger". It was the mightiest animal he had ever hunted, and was sure to be a totem of surpassing power.

His journey took him back to sea and then to another land of swamps and rivers, and more black men, and here he saw a grotesque monster that lived in the river and had a mouth larger than a tepee and tusks that could rend a man limb from limb without the slightest effort. As soon as Bearclaw saw this monster he knew his quest was at an end, if he could only contrive a means to slay it. Fortunately, he was a hunter of renown and infinite resource, and though your chronicler can barely credit it and is unable to tell you the means, Bearclaw slew and skinned the monster. Only after much enquiry did he learn the name "hippopotamus".

With these three skins Bearclaw at last returned home and found his old friend still alive. The medicine man danced for joy and said "All three of your wives are eager to welcome you home. Present each one with one of the medicine skins and they will be sure to bear you children before the year is out." And so it proved. All on the same day, barely nine months later, the wife he gave the kangaroo hide bore him a daughter of such surpassing beauty as to delight the heart of the boldest warrior or mightiest chief. The wife he gave the tiger hide bore him such a son as to make a father's heart sing for gladness - fated to grow tall, straight-limbed, fierce of heart and strong of hand. But the wife he gave the hippopotamus hide bore twins, a son and a daughter fully the equal of their half-siblings. And Chief Bearclaw, now a father four times over on one and the same day, smiled fondly and reflected...








"So, the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides."
Old 06-11-2014, 01:56 PM
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It seems there was this fellow who was feeling a lot of pressure in his life, and he thinks to himself, “I know - I’ll get out into the hills for a little camp out - that’ll relax me.” So, he packs up his stuff and heads up into the hills. He parks his car and hikes in a few miles until he finds a good spot, sets up camp, and just spends the next couple of days getting back in touch with nature.

After a couple of days, he feels just great, and figures it’s time to head back to the city. He packs up his stuff, and heads back to where he left the car, but after he’s been hiking for about 4 hours, he’s starting to feel uncomfortably like he’s lost - he should have come to his car about 2 hours ago.

“Okay,” he says to himself, “I’m in trouble. But I remember what they taught me when I was in Boy Scouts - if you’re lost, keep going in a straight line. If you start veering around to find your trail, you can wind up going in circles.” So he took his bearings, and headed straight ahead. He walked the rest of that day, camped that night, and resumed walking the next morning. That afternoon, he finally came to the end of the forest; the bad news was, he came right up to the edge of a desert.

“Just great!” he thinks to himself, “But I gotta remember - straight line!” So, he heads out into the desert. About 4 hours later, he’s drunk all his water, the sun is beating down, and he’s starting to suffer. Just then, he sees something off in the distance (luckily straight ahead of him). He comes up on it, and finds that it’s a large lever sticking up out of the ground.

“That’s weird,” he thinks, and he reaches out towards it.

“DON’T TOUCH THE LEVER!” a voice booms out. The guy looks around, but aside from a snake he doesn’t see a living thing. He reaches out again.

“DON’T TOUCH THE LEVER!” says the voice again. The guy looks around again, but still doesn’t see anything. Just joking, he says to the snake, “I suppose that was you who said that.”

“Of course it was me - do you see anyone else around? I said don’t touch the lever!” says the snake.

“Oh, wow - I’m hallucinating,” said the guy. “Look, I need something to drink bad - is there any water around here?”

The snake said, “Yeah, there’s a well right over behind that sand dune. Follow me.”

The snake led the guy around the dune, and there was a well. The guy pulled up some water and took a long drink. When he started to feel a little better, he thought to himself, “Whoa! Was I talking to a SNAKE?”

“Was I talking to you?”

“Yeah,” said the snake. “I’m Nate - Nate the Snake. I live out here.”

“Well, I’m pleased to make your acquaintance. I really needed that water. Say,what was that business about the lever?”

“Well, I’ll tell you,” says Nate, “that lever is the lever that controls the entire universe. If you had pulled that lever down, the whole universe would have just shut right down, and everything would go flying off into space. As a matter of fact, that’s why I’m out here in the desert - since the beginning of time, my family has been the guardians of the lever, put out here to keep people from touching it.”

“Wow!” says the guy. Then he thinks to himself, “Hold it - I’m talking to a SNAKE! A TALKING snake!” “Hey, do you know how much you could make in show business? Have you ever thought about leaving the desert?”

“God, I think about it all the time! I am so bored here!”

“Well,” said the guy, “why don’t you come with me? We’ll start an act - we’ll be stars!”

“Hot damn!” says the snake, and slithers up the guy’s leg and into his pocket.The guy heads out, and within 5 minutes comes across a road, where he immediately gets picked by a trucker and taken back into town. He and Nate head straight to an agent, who books them on the spot - within a week they’re on the Tonight Show. They’re instant hits. They get movie offers, they do Vegas, they have lunch-boxes made with their pictures on them, they have Saturday morning cartoons made on their adventures. Their success is enormous, and it goes on for years without any show of abatement.

Unfortunately, Nate was not exactly young when the whole thing started, and after years of living the high life, he’s starting to feel it. He doesn’t know how to break the news to his friend, though; they’ve been together so long,been through so much together. Finally, he has to just come right out with it.

“Nate!” says the guy, “why didn’t you just tell me? Of course I understand! Look, the act is dissolved as of right this minute - what do I need more money for? I got more money than I know what to do with! But, listen, Nate - what are you going to do with yourself?”

“You know,” says Nate, “this may sound crazy, but I really miss the desert. I think I’ll retire out there - check up on that lever.”

“Well, old friend, I hate to see you go, but if that’s what you want, you deserve it. Goodbye, partner - I’d shake your hand, but you don’t have any.” And with that, Nate slithered out, and made his way back to the desert. Of course, he was now an extremely wealthy snake, so he used some of his money to spruce the old place up. He had a highway put in, and a hotel, and a golf course, and a casino, and an amusement park. Every morning he would leave his palatial suite in the hotel and crawl across the highway to check up on the lever.

After a couple of years, the guy thought to himself, “You know, I haven’t spoken to Nate in a while - I think I’ll head out to see him.” So he hopped in his car and took off. He was traveling along the new highway - along a long, straight highway in the desert. Soon, he got to that semi-hypnotized state of ‘white line fever.’

All of a sudden, he saw something in the road ahead of him. My God! It was Nate! He gave the wheel a sharp tug - Oh No! He was headed straight towards the Lever! The Lever that controls the Universe! Straighten the wheel, but Aargh! Headed straight at Nate again! His old friend Nate! Turn the wheel again, but Look Out! The Lever! It could mean the end of everything!! Another quick yank to the steering wheel, and the car ran right over Nate, and smashed him flat.

The moral:
















Wait for it ……



















Better Nate than Lever.
Old 06-11-2014, 02:27 PM
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The Rairie was the most feared animal in all the land--killed people, ravaged livestock, trashed whole towns, you name it. The king had finally had enough, so a contest was held to find the most deserving knight to kill the Rairie. The contest was held, the knight selected, he was sent on his mission. Unfortunately, as the knight snuck up on the sleeping beast to claim its head, he tripped and stabbed it in the tail, instantly waking it. Enraged, the monster chased the knight day in and day out, over hill and dale, until the Rairie cornered the knight at the edge of the highest cliff overlooking the sea. The knight drew his sword as the beast charged, but dropped it, fell to one side and covered his head, waiting for the fatal blow. Which never came--the monster tripped on the sword and plunged over the cliff to die in the sea.

The knight returned to his king to relate the good news. The king exclaimed, "You have been away for weeks, tell me your tale." The knight told it all, ending with the accidental stumbling and death of the creature, and his 300-mile trek back to his lord.

To which the king said, "That's a long way to trip a Rairie."
Old 06-11-2014, 04:24 PM
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It was a sweltering August day in 1937 when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker. "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."

Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside to a black automobile parked in front of the building.

Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford."

"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"

"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Maxwell, "but sit down and push the white button."

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden, a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car. Within seconds, the automobile was not only comfortable, but quite cool.

"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"

Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "And there is something else: The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-Conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo."

"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!"

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel:









NORM HI MAX
Old 06-11-2014, 05:08 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: US of O
Posts: 13,171
It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.
"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"

So the man told his story.

"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up -- I asked for an orange for a head."
Old 06-11-2014, 07:40 PM
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Compendium of Shaggy Dog stories.
Old 06-11-2014, 10:15 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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This marine biology researcher in Florida hypothesized that if certain dolphins were fed a diet of sea gull eggs they wouldn't age. Or die. Sure, they'd die from accidents, but never from any sort of illness or old age, for that matter. Something to do with proteins and enzymes. So, he applied for and got a grant to continue this research. He found a place on Long Island, NY, where he could get all the fresh sea gull eggs he wanted and hired a trucker with a refrigerated trailer to pick up a truckload of the eggs and bring them to him in Florida.

The driver had no problem picking up the eggs or getting the trailer loaded with them. But as he was driving South to Florida, he was stopped when he entered Virginia and arrested by the FBI.

The charge?

SPOILER:
Transporting underage gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises
Old 06-12-2014, 02:28 AM
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Location: Sunny California
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ranger Jeff View Post
The driver had no problem picking up the eggs or getting the trailer loaded with them. But as he was driving South to Florida, he was stopped when he entered Virginia and arrested by the FBI.

The charge?

SPOILER:
Transporting underage gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises
The more common version of this story works in an another pun, in addition to the two in your version. It seems the story takes place as the researcher is hand-carrying the immature avians up a trail from their beach bluffs nest to the parking area, when he comes across a mountain lion, fast asleep across the trail. So he must very very carefully climb over the lion without waking it, to continue on his way. Then he gets arrested. Why?
SPOILER:
Transporting young gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises.
Old 06-12-2014, 02:50 AM
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Join Date: May 2000
Location: SW Side, Chicago
Posts: 42,064
I think the "Fuck You, Clown!" one was the first shaggy dog I've ever heard, and it remains my favorite. Although I really enjoyed the shaggy dog version of the moth joke Norm McDonald recently told (which is the one in the OP, pre-Norm's telling.)
Old 06-12-2014, 03:02 AM
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Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 9,193
A particularly attractive piece of seaweed is waving her fronds about suggestively. Her somewhat conservative neighbour says, "You know, you really should be a little more modest. Maybe cover up with an anemone or something."

First seaweed replies:


"With fronds like these, who need anemones?"
Old 06-13-2014, 01:36 AM
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https://youtube.com/watch?v=6DgLEDICYkU
Old 06-13-2014, 03:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by therealphilgold View Post
Better Nate than Lever.
Three and a half years late.
Old 06-13-2014, 01:57 PM
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Posts: 11,187
This was originally a story by Isaac Asimov. I don't remember the content exactly, but I'll reconstruct it as best I can.

Ray Silverstein was the human attache to Qikblamefar, an alien ambassador from the planet Sortibakenstrete. Since the name is rather long and unwieldy for a human tongue, aliens from Sortibakenstrete were called Foys. After a long and distinguished career as a diplomat, Qikblamefar had to retire due to declining health. He wished to return to the Foy world to die, but no space ship was fast enough to make it in time.

Foys had certain physical differences from humans, the chief being that Foys had five hearts. A doctor named Maude Ramirez specialized in alien diseases, and determined that Qikblamefar's illness resulted from his hearts enlarging. She had wanted to obtain Qikblamefar's hearts for study after he passed, but the Foy ambassador refused.

Ray knew the reason for Qikblamefar's refusal stemmed from a Foy taboo, and looked for ways to change the ambassador's mind. He learned that Foys had a strong belief in the power of music, stemming from a time when Foy warriors fought far from home. Their comrades would form a choir around the mortally wounded, and the power of their song would return the soldier back to his home. If Ray could arrange for a grand musical send-off, maybe Qikblamefar would consent to Dr. Ramirez harvesting his hearts.

Ray contacted Harold Fortenheimer, leader of the world famous Fortenheimer Choir. The singing group had performed in front of audiences on all seven continents and were beloved universally. Upon hearing Ray's story, Harold Fortenheimer said he would be glad to arrange for the choir to perform at Qikblamefar's send-off.

So, the Fortenheimer Choir, Dr. Ramirez, and other notables were put on notice to attend Qikblamefar's death, which was due to happen any moment now. However, Ray still had not formally received permission from the Foy ambassador, and waited patiently for Qikblamefar to come to a decision.

The call finally came in. Ray saw Qikblamefar on the monitor screen in his deathbed, weak and barely able to speak. However, he had made his decision. "Give my big hearts to Maude, Ray. Dismember me to Harold's Choir. And tell all the Foys on Sortibakenstrete that I will soon be there."
Old 06-13-2014, 03:46 PM
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Location: On the windowsill
Posts: 7,971
An oldie but goodie from The National Lampoon

A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm
The show begins and the comedian comes out for his first show of the evening
The comedian says "A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm
The show begins and the comedian comes out for his second show of the evening.
The show begins and the comedian says "A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm"
Just then a man in the front row stands up and says "I think I've heard this before"
The comedian says "Well maybe you caught my first show of the evening"
The man says "No, I just walked in here"
The comedian says "Well it was a guy looked just like you walked in with a beautiful girl on his arm could have been your twin brother"
The man says "My twin brother's dead"
The comedian says "What is this, a wake?"
The man says "I don't have to stand for this"
And he stands up and he walks outside
And the comedian says "Are you out there? I can hear you breathing."
The man says "I'm holding my breath"
The comedian says "Well I'm holding you wife"
Just then the man says "That's not my wife"
And he walks back into the nightclub with another beautiful girl on his arm
"Who's that lady I'm seeing you with" the comedian says
The man says "This is my wife. That other lady is my dead twin brother's wife
You can take her if you want her"
And the comedian says "Not unless you say please"
Just then, a man walks into a nightclub with a tatoo of a beautiful girl on his arm eating elbow macaroni.
The comedian says "Is that girl from Italy?"
The man says "No just hungry"
Just then a man walks into the nightclub, he comes riding into the nightclub, on a pony, with a feather stuck into his hat
"What do you call that?" the comedian asks
"An entrance" the man says "But forget that"
Just give me a beer and give my pony a jockey"
The bartender says "I think that pony's had enough already"
"Well make it a short jockey" the man says
"And while you're at it give that lady's lawyer some briefs"
The lady stands up and says "I can defend myself, your Honor"
And the lawyer says "But I'll defend her honor, your Honor"
The judge says "Well on her or off her, make up your mind"
The comic says "Definitely on her, that's the best offer I've had all day"
"Well take it or leave it" says the Judge
"Couldn't we just drop it?" says the comedian
He says "You better drop leaflets before you bomb"
And the comedian says "I'm already bombing"
He says "Maybe it's your material"
He says "You don't think it fits?"
He says "Well it could be let out a little"
The comedian says "How much do you think it will cost me?"
He says "It'll cost you an arm and a leg"
The comic says "Well listen, could you put it on the cuff?"
The tailor says "I'll tell you what I'll do. We'll forget the leg and I'll just charge you an arm"
And a beautiful arm it is
"OK" says the comedian and the tailor cuts off the comedian's arm and gives him the suit
The tailor calls his girlfriend and asks her to go out on the town with him in order to celebrate
He calls on his girlfriend and gives her the beautiful arm as a gift
She wears it around her neck just like a stole and they go out on the town
The man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful arm on his girl
The show begins and the one-armed comedian comes out for his last show of the evening.
He does his act, and the audience stands up and gives him a hand
Old 06-13-2014, 06:19 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: St. Louis, MO 50mi. West
Posts: 4,477
Quote:
Originally Posted by Knowed Out View Post
This was originally a story by Isaac Asimov. I don't remember the content exactly, but I'll reconstruct it as best I can.

Ray Silverstein was the human attache to Qikblamefar, an alien ambassador from the planet Sortibakenstrete. Since the name is rather long and unwieldy for a human tongue, aliens from Sortibakenstrete were called Foys. After a long and distinguished career as a diplomat, Qikblamefar had to retire due to declining health. He wished to return to the Foy world to die, but no space ship was fast enough to make it in time.

Foys had certain physical differences from humans, the chief being that Foys had five hearts. A doctor named Maude Ramirez specialized in alien diseases, and determined that Qikblamefar's illness resulted from his hearts enlarging. She had wanted to obtain Qikblamefar's hearts for study after he passed, but the Foy ambassador refused.

Ray knew the reason for Qikblamefar's refusal stemmed from a Foy taboo, and looked for ways to change the ambassador's mind. He learned that Foys had a strong belief in the power of music, stemming from a time when Foy warriors fought far from home. Their comrades would form a choir around the mortally wounded, and the power of their song would return the soldier back to his home. If Ray could arrange for a grand musical send-off, maybe Qikblamefar would consent to Dr. Ramirez harvesting his hearts.

Ray contacted Harold Fortenheimer, leader of the world famous Fortenheimer Choir. The singing group had performed in front of audiences on all seven continents and were beloved universally. Upon hearing Ray's story, Harold Fortenheimer said he would be glad to arrange for the choir to perform at Qikblamefar's send-off.

So, the Fortenheimer Choir, Dr. Ramirez, and other notables were put on notice to attend Qikblamefar's death, which was due to happen any moment now. However, Ray still had not formally received permission from the Foy ambassador, and waited patiently for Qikblamefar to come to a decision.

The call finally came in. Ray saw Qikblamefar on the monitor screen in his deathbed, weak and barely able to speak. However, he had made his decision. "Give my big hearts to Maude, Ray. Dismember me to Harold's Choir. And tell all the Foys on Sortibakenstrete that I will soon be there."
Ow!
__________________
GaryM
Old 06-14-2014, 05:28 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Nekkid Pueblo
Posts: 19,412
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!"

Then, I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then, I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.

He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny -- I have the same problem."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."

Then, I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.
Old 06-14-2014, 09:32 AM
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Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 14,035
The entire Little Bunny Foo-Foo song is a shaggy dog story. Or a shaggy rabbit song.
Old 11-02-2017, 05:23 AM
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Posts: 1,912
So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colours. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him.

He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it.

Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.
Old 11-02-2017, 11:58 AM
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Posts: 15,027
I hope nobody will take offense if I name this the worst collection of jokes, shaggy or otherwise, I've ever heard in my life!

One of my favorite shaggy dog jokes is the Lawrence Block short story "Cleveland in my Dreams" made into a 30 minute film! I've never timed myself, but I think it just takes a few minutes to tell it well enough to get a laugh. (PM me and I'll tell it here.)

Here's another I've mentioned at SDMB before:

A man walks into a pub in Ireland and orders three pints of beer. He takes them to a table and drinks alone, sipping in turn from each glass. Before long, he goes back to the innkeeper and asks for three more pints.
"Our Colleen would be happy to bring you your beer one pint at a time, sir. That way it will be cold."
"Well, I'm drinking with me and me brothers. One's in America; one's in Australia; we'll probably never meet again in this lifetime. But we always drink beer together!"
The guy became a regular in the pub. Everyone thought it was a sentimental story and greeted him with well wishes whenever he showed up. Until one day, when he ordered just two pints.
The news got around, and the pub was a little quiet when the guy later walked over to order two more pints. The innkeeper shook his head, and said "we're all grieving with you. We're very sorry for your loss."
The guy looked puzzled for a while, then smiled. "Oh no, I know what you're thinking but me brothers are fine. It's me! Doctor told me to stop drinking!"

(Typing it out and comparing its length with other jokes in the thread, I guess it doesn't qualify as a "shaggy dog.")
Old 11-02-2017, 02:36 PM
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Posts: 294
A one sentence one, From the Bulwer Lytton contest:

"Upon discovering that Miles Black, the famous phrenologist from Yorkshire, was going to take up yodeling to lonely goats in Bali, James White decided to balance four planks of wood on a beer keg and call it an abstract work of art in the style of a famous fourteenth-century architect, just going to prove that people will read any old garbage if they think there will be a good pun at the end of it."
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