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Old 06-04-2012, 11:00 AM
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How does one become certified to be an 'ancient astronaut theorist'?

Do I need anything besides wild hair?
Old 06-04-2012, 11:04 AM
I'm nice, dammit!
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Certified or certifiable??
Old 06-04-2012, 11:16 AM
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I think you would need to start with a ancient astronaut theory, the hair comes in later
Old 06-04-2012, 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by kanicbird View Post
I think you would need to start with a ancient astronaut theory, the hair comes in later
Can a bald person become an ancient astronaut theorist or are they SOL?

Last edited by BlinkingDuck; 06-04-2012 at 11:21 AM.
Old 06-04-2012, 11:22 AM
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Is such a thing even possible?
Old 06-04-2012, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by BlinkingDuck View Post
Can a bald person become an ancient astronaut theorist or are they SOL?
You can still grow out your eyebrows.
Old 06-04-2012, 11:42 AM
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I would be glad to certify you for a small fee.
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"If a person saying he was something was all there was to it, this country'd be full of rich men and good-looking women. Too bad it isn't that easy.... In short, when someone else says you're a writer, that's when you're a writer... not before."
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Old 06-04-2012, 12:18 PM
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This is actually something I've wondered about myself. What sort of credentials do the "experts" on Ancient Aliens or any of the other UFO, paranormal type shows you see on the History Channel these days, have.

Do any of them work for legitimate academic institutions, or been published in serious historical publications. Or are they just folks who've self-published a few books, and gone too far off the deep end.

Last edited by joebuck20; 06-04-2012 at 12:19 PM.
Old 06-04-2012, 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by BlinkingDuck View Post
Do I need anything besides wild hair?
Either the total absence of anything resembling skepticism, or sufficient cynicism to enjoy taking advantage of those who lack skepticism. Either one will do.
Old 06-04-2012, 01:09 PM
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USC offers a degree program in ancient aliens.
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That's a joke from a Bruin. So please, no Trojan lawsuits. By the way, did anyone here know the Trojan Horse of Troy fame was an alien spaceship?
Old 06-04-2012, 01:25 PM
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First, you have to study astronauts. Then, live a long, long time....
Old 06-04-2012, 01:30 PM
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Garbage of The Gods?

Reminds me of an old "National Lampoon" issue..if ancient astronauts visited the earth, they must have eaten meals here..if they ate meals, they must have left..garbage!
Old 06-04-2012, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by RTFirefly View Post
Either the total absence of anything resembling skepticism, or sufficient cynicism to enjoy taking advantage of those who lack skepticism. Either one will do.
There has to be a wild hair component...has to be.

Last edited by BlinkingDuck; 06-04-2012 at 01:51 PM.
Old 06-04-2012, 01:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Second Stone View Post
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That's a joke from a Bruin. So please, no Trojan lawsuits. By the way, did anyone here know the Trojan Horse of Troy fame was an alien spaceship?
You need more education as an ancient astronaut theorist!

You should have said:

Is it possible (or could it be) that the Trojan Horse of Troy fame was an alien spaceship?


{My wife laughs at me because I will say "No. next question."...and they will then ask one. }

Last edited by BlinkingDuck; 06-04-2012 at 01:54 PM.
Old 06-04-2012, 06:47 PM
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How?

I don't know.

Therefore, ALIENS!
Old 06-04-2012, 08:00 PM
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http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...ent_aliens.png
Old 06-04-2012, 09:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Frodo View Post
His hairdo certainly proves that human culture has been manipulated by the Centauri, if nothing else.
Old 06-05-2012, 09:40 AM
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Thank God ancient astronaut theorizing has been one of the few domains to resist the American fetish for over-education and over-credentialization. You don't need twelve degrees and a certificate from some fancy-pants licensing board, by God. All you need is a theory, a hairdo, a smile, and a shoeshine, and the smile and shoeshine are optional.
Old 06-05-2012, 09:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlinkingDuck View Post
Do I need anything besides wild hair?
Well, you need a theory, but just about any hair-brained one will do.
Old 06-05-2012, 10:06 AM
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It's probably among those pursuits that simply require the ability to fog a mirror. I doubt if that has to be notarized or even witnessed. Hearsay should suffice.
Old 06-05-2012, 10:15 AM
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Are you sure it's certified, as compared to certifiable?
Old 06-05-2012, 10:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kanicbird View Post
I think you would need to start with a ancient astronaut theory, the hair comes in later
It's the anal probing that does it. The wildness of the hair is in inverse relation to the amount of lube used.
Old 06-05-2012, 10:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joebuck20 View Post
This is actually something I've wondered about myself. What sort of credentials do the "experts" on Ancient Aliens or any of the other UFO, paranormal type shows you see on the History Channel these days, have.

Do any of them work for legitimate academic institutions, or been published in serious historical publications. Or are they just folks who've self-published a few books, and gone too far off the deep end.
I wonder the same thing about the "experts" CNN and other newstainment outlets trot out to comment on the story du jour. Who are these people?

Up next is Samantha Starfish an expert in celebrity ketamine abuse among the cast of Jersey Shore?
Old 06-05-2012, 06:33 PM
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I scanned this title as "ancient astronaut therapist" which sounds even more specialized.
Old 06-06-2012, 08:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freddy the Pig View Post
Thank God ancient astronaut theorizing has been one of the few domains to resist the American fetish for over-education and over-credentialization. You don't need twelve degrees and a certificate from some fancy-pants licensing board, by God. All you need is a theory, a hairdo, a smile, and a shoeshine, and the smile and shoeshine are optional.
And an Oompa Loompa tan.
Old 06-06-2012, 10:03 PM
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I completed the children's maze on the back of a Denny's menu and when I paid the bill I chose to be an ancient astronaut theorist rather than an ordained minister or a Scientologist sleeper agent.

I screwed up the connect the dots, so now they won't tell me who killed JFK, but I did get the word search right and am now part of the Illuminati. 1$ discounts at Subway FTW. The raven caws twice in November.
Old 06-06-2012, 10:29 PM
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Wikipedia has an interesting biography on Erich von Daniken. I think he was the grandfather (pun intended) of the whole ancient astronaut movement, when his first books were published in the US in the late Sixties. His theories and his experience appear to be mostly manufactured. It's also interesting to note his fraud convictions.

So, for you budding ancient astronauticians, you need a few frauds under your belts, and then write a few books with hugely speculative conclusions, and then hit the lecture circuit. If you can pick up a few programs on the History channel, so much the better.

Should that fail, then shoot for your own version of Biblical interpretation.


~VOW
Old 06-06-2012, 11:31 PM
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Originally Posted by The Second Stone View Post
USC offers a degree program in ancient aliens.
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That's a joke from a Bruin. So please, no Trojan lawsuits. By the way, did anyone here know the Trojan Horse of Troy fame was an alien spaceship?
I thought you were referring to University of California at Santa Cruz. They have some rather unusual majors.
Old 06-07-2012, 07:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VOW View Post
Wikipedia has an interesting biography on Erich von Daniken. I think he was the grandfather (pun intended) of the whole ancient astronaut movement, when his first books were published in the US in the late Sixties. His theories and his experience appear to be mostly manufactured. It's also interesting to note his fraud convictions.

So, for you budding ancient astronauticians, you need a few frauds under your belts, and then write a few books with hugely speculative conclusions, and then hit the lecture circuit. If you can pick up a few programs on the History channel, so much the better.

Should that fail, then shoot for your own version of Biblical interpretation.


~VOW
I wonder if - sans the fraud - it pays well?
Old 06-07-2012, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Dangerosa View Post
I wonder if - sans the fraud - it pays well?
Well, he did sell a hell of a lot of books ... and he did go around doing lectures, not sure what the fee for admission was/is, and he had some sort of theme park deal as well.
Old 06-07-2012, 01:24 PM
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VOW has it pretty well nailed, I think. The definition of "expert" is kind of like the definition of "Jew." An expert in a field is someone whom other experts would consider an expert. An expert in medicine is an MD who has multiple publications, has served in prestigious posts and won some awards. An expert on Ancient Astronauts (or whatever woo-ey field you might conceive of) is someone who has published books on the subject that sold a lot of copies and were well-reviewed by Art Bell and the like. Degrees might help, or they might not.




*There are, of course, various autodidacts here and there who buck this definition.

Last edited by StusBlues; 06-07-2012 at 01:26 PM.
Old 05-26-2015, 09:43 PM
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A colleague of mine, with the same degree (PhD in Folklore), occasionally appears on Ancient Aliens as an expert. Note that she does NOT believe in aliens, ancient or otherwise.* Still, our degree does qualify us as experts in belief narratives (traditional stories where belief is an element).

*This isn't to say that she believes there are no aliens anywhere—I've never asked—just that the contemporary beliefs and narratives circulating about aliens interacting with Earth are not describing real entities.
Old 05-28-2015, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by kanicbird View Post
I think you would need to start with a ancient astronaut theory, the hair comes in later
As im many sciences, there a two different educational tracks. Broadly, you can become an Ancient Alien theorist, or an Ancient Alien expeimentalist.
Old 05-28-2015, 03:25 PM
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I think it's sad that we're neglecting the rest of the alien timeline. Where are the specialists on Medieval aliens? Or Renaissance aliens? And surely the aliens must have had a hand in the Industrial Revolution.
Old 05-28-2015, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by stillownedbysetters View Post
I think it's sad that we're neglecting the rest of the alien timeline. Where are the specialists on Medieval aliens? Or Renaissance aliens? And surely the aliens must have had a hand in the Industrial Revolution.
The problem is that timeline gets entwined with biology. For instance, I understand the Medieval Aliens were Lizard People, and the Renaissance Aliens were some kind of hyena-like mammals.
Old 05-28-2015, 04:21 PM
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I think it's sad that we're neglecting the rest of the alien timeline. Where are the specialists on Medieval aliens? Or Renaissance aliens? And surely the aliens must have had a hand in the Industrial Revolution.
In case that was a serious question, there actually is an answer. 20th- and 21st-century alien beliefs and narratives show a clear debt to the traditions of fairies in the anglophone world. So you can find medieval traditions of supernatural beings having been responsible for Stonehenge, but not space aliens, because that particular aspect is modern.

As usual, though, because the creatures themselves aren't real, serious scholarship on the subject is poorly known and not terribly well respected. It seems that people just don't like taking imaginary beings seriously, even as a window into human psychology and culture.
Old 05-28-2015, 05:03 PM
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Just come to the meetings (new attendees have to bring the doughnuts); if you've seen Chariots of the Gods in a theater, you can be President of the chapter.

SPOILER:
If you forgot the '?' in the title, you're disqualified. Sorry, we have standards.
Old 05-28-2015, 07:47 PM
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Originally Posted by burpo the wonder mutt View Post
Just come to the meetings (new attendees have to bring the doughnuts); if you've seen Chariots of the Gods in a theater, you can be President of the chapter.

SPOILER:
If you forgot the '?' in the title, you're disqualified. Sorry, we have standards.
And here I thought I'd only have to show you my probe scar to be immediately welcomed...
Old 05-28-2015, 07:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Dr. Drake View Post
In case that was a serious question, there actually is an answer. 20th- and 21st-century alien beliefs and narratives show a clear debt to the traditions of fairies in the anglophone world. So you can find medieval traditions of supernatural beings having been responsible for Stonehenge, but not space aliens, because that particular aspect is modern.

As usual, though, because the creatures themselves aren't real, serious scholarship on the subject is poorly known and not terribly well respected. It seems that people just don't like taking imaginary beings seriously, even as a window into human psychology and culture.

God love ya! I was being snide, but now that you've dangled this piece of interesting information out there, I'm going to have to do some reading on the influence of the supernatural in Medieval culture.

Which, I suppose, will make me the certified/certifiable "medieval alien theorist" after all.
Old 05-29-2015, 07:04 AM
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Yep-those ancient Egyptians had electric lights, airplanes, and batteries. They also had wireless power, because we cannot seem to find any wires. Oh, and they were able to move 20 ton stone blocks-must have had caterpiller tractors.
Old 05-29-2015, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by joebuck20 View Post
What sort of credentials do the "experts" on Ancient Aliens or any of the other UFO, paranormal type shows you see on the History Channel these days, have.

Do any of them work for legitimate academic institutions, or been published in serious historical publications. Or are they just folks who've self-published a few books, and gone too far off the deep end.
From H2's America Unearthed, the claim is again at least as indeterminate in origin as any ancient alien.
Old 05-29-2015, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Smapti View Post
How?

I don't know.

Therefore, ALIENS!
I have a good friend, who unfortunately, believes this crap.
Old 05-29-2015, 08:11 AM
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You've all missed the critical element, here. A certified ancient aliens theorist must have "von" in his name. (Not recommended in Germany.)

(My very favorite von Daniken claim: there are carvings of skeletons in some cave or another. Without [alien] x-ray machines, how could ancient peoples possibly have known what skeletons looked like?)

Last edited by Amateur Barbarian; 05-29-2015 at 08:13 AM.
Old 05-29-2015, 08:15 AM
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Reminds me of an old "National Lampoon" issue..if ancient astronauts visited the earth, they must have eaten meals here..if they ate meals, they must have left..garbage!
I had an idea for a sci fi short story, alien astronauts are investigating a lifeless rock of a planet. Through clues it is revealed to be Earth in the far, far, billions of years past. The aliens conclude there is no life on this rock, and before they take off they empty the ships toilet system because they are low on fuel.

The origin of life on earth!
Old 05-29-2015, 09:57 AM
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I had an idea for a sci fi short story, alien astronauts are investigating a lifeless rock of a planet. Through clues it is revealed to be Earth in the far, far, billions of years past. The aliens conclude there is no life on this rock, and before they take off they empty the ships toilet system because they are low on fuel.

The origin of life on earth!
Clarke wrote a story wherein the fungal proto-life on Venus was destroyed by infection from the visiting humans' garbage dump (including cigarette butts).
Old 05-29-2015, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by grude View Post
I had an idea for a sci fi short story, alien astronauts are investigating a lifeless rock of a planet. Through clues it is revealed to be Earth in the far, far, billions of years past. The aliens conclude there is no life on this rock, and before they take off they empty the ships toilet system because they are low on fuel.

The origin of life on earth!
There was a Stanislaw Lem history where a couple of alien astronauts where on trial for doing just that, and the human character was brought to court as evidence.
Old 05-29-2015, 10:22 AM
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1) Learn the subject; or at least what passes for the subject
2) Attend a lot of conventions and seminars
3) Give entertaining talks on the subject and develop a following
4) Do a couple "talking head" shots for either the History Channel or Discovery.

Congratulations! You are now an ancient astronaut theorist.
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