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#1
Old 11-22-2012, 10:59 AM
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Large Penis Jokes

Time to post your favourite big dick jokes. Ones you've heard, ones you've made up. Don't just pull a list off the 'net, but by all means dos a search for a real gem if you must.


My dick is so big, my driver's license has a special certification for me to use it.

My dick is so big, the seats fold down.

My dick is so big, it's what Captain Sully crash landed on the Hudson.

My dick is so big, it's finishing grad school.

My dick is so big I have to call it "Sir Richard."

My dick is so big, Starbucks has a size above Trenta called "My Dicka."

My dick is so big, Ticketmaster owns the venue sales rights.

My dick is so big, there's a NASA rover exploring it.

My dick is so big, it's outsourcing jobs to China.

My dick is so big, it got 377 electoral votes in 2004, and it's not even a natural-born citizen.

My dick is so big, it gets more hits than "Gangnam Style."
#2
Old 11-22-2012, 11:12 AM
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These two guys heard about a club downtown for guy with big dicks.
Being well hung they headed down to join.
When they get there there is an old guy mopping the floor. They ask him where the big dick club is located.
He look at them and asks " How much you boys got?"
"I got 10" and he's got a foot." Came the reply
The old jousts starts laugh do hard tears come to eyes.
"What's so funny?" They demand
The old guy pulls up the leg of his pants points and says "See that lump in my sock? I'm just the janitor around here.


My dick is so big it has its own zip code.
__________________
Remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather one should aim to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, glass of Scotch in the other, your body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO! Man, what a ride!"
#3
Old 11-22-2012, 11:13 AM
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Starbucks sizes at my local store have tall, grande and my-dick.
#4
Old 11-22-2012, 11:13 AM
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I'm a bit old school, so I have to keep reminding Mrs_Doom that I don't have a penis

SPOILER:
I have a cock.


My dick is so big, my pants have a "zip code".

Last edited by Dr_Doom; 11-22-2012 at 11:14 AM. Reason: ninja'd by Rick! That big DICK. :mad:
#5
Old 11-22-2012, 11:19 AM
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My penis is so large, I have my hometown, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, tattooed along the underside in centimetre squared block letters, and it's clearly legible without my requiring an erection.
#6
Old 11-22-2012, 11:26 AM
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Enormous penis song

My dick is so big I require several blood transfusions to get an erection.
#7
Old 11-22-2012, 11:28 AM
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Two guys standing on the end of a pier, pissing.

"Man that water's cold."

"Sure is -- deep, too."
#8
Old 11-22-2012, 11:35 AM
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I tell people that my doctor insists I sit down to pee. He doesn't want me lifting anything heavy by myself. Thank you, I'll be here all week.




There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
#9
Old 11-22-2012, 11:36 AM
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I have a dick like a baby...20 inches and 9 lbs.
#10
Old 11-22-2012, 11:39 AM
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Wanna hear a joke about my dick?

On second thought, never mind. It's too long.
#11
Old 11-22-2012, 11:45 AM
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At a company party years ago (well, I didn't hear it, "Bob" did and told me later).

Female A: Yah know, I ain't happy unless I get 10 inches.
Female B: I totally agree.
Male A: I'm sorry ladies, but I aint cutting off 8 inches for anybody.
#12
Old 11-22-2012, 11:47 AM
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My dick is so big that when I beat off, it looks like a wrestling match.
#13
Old 11-22-2012, 11:50 AM
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My dick's so big, to calculate its size I needed a Wang computer.
#14
Old 11-22-2012, 11:54 AM
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Large penises are a problem that affects us all.

When it comes to a large penis, there are no winners.

Large penises don't kill people, people kill people.
#15
Old 11-22-2012, 11:56 AM
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Not to be a dick about it, but joke threads go in MPSIMS. Moved from Cafe Society.
#16
Old 11-22-2012, 11:58 AM
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"It moved." -- George Costanza
#17
Old 11-22-2012, 11:59 AM
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I can't resist the opportunity to repeat a joke, but I'm reluctant about this one. Oh, well.

A man has his girlfriend's name, Joanne, tattooed on his penis. However, when he's not "excited to see her" it just looks like Jan, and she leaves him. Some days later he's peeing at a urinal and happens to look over at the black man next to him and sees he has Wendy tattooed on his penis. Hw tells him his sad story and says the guy is lucky not to have the folding problem. The man replies, "Nah mon, mine say, 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!'"

Last edited by Greg Charles; 11-22-2012 at 12:00 PM.
#18
Old 11-22-2012, 12:03 PM
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I've just had a l'esprit d'escalier moment. I should have added "It's no joke." to the end of my earlier post.

Ah well, c'est la vie.


ps. On a minutes further reflection, I don't think it is a real l'esprit d'escalier moment, is it? It's more like a delayed edit to slightly improve my post.

Last edited by dimmy derko; 11-22-2012 at 12:06 PM.
#19
Old 11-22-2012, 12:10 PM
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My dick is so big, the Israelis and Palestinians are fighting over it.
#20
Old 11-22-2012, 12:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greg Charles View Post
I can't resist the opportunity to repeat a joke, but I'm reluctant about this one. Oh, well.

A man has his girlfriend's name, Joanne, tattooed on his penis. However, when he's not "excited to see her" it just looks like Jan, and she leaves him. Some days later he's peeing at a urinal and happens to look over at the black man next to him and sees he has Wendy tattooed on his penis. Hw tells him his sad story and says the guy is lucky not to have the folding problem. The man replies, "Nah mon, mine say, 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!'"
Basically the same joke, only the race of the guy isn't specified and it seems he has "Puny" tattooed on his dick. He replies "No man, mine says Punxsutawney."
#21
Old 11-22-2012, 12:23 PM
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Not a joke, but rather the most hilarious line of dialog I ever heard in a video game. From Cass in Fallout New Vegas:
Quote:
Nobody's dick is that long, not even Long Dick Johnson, and he had a fucking long dick, thus the name.
#22
Old 11-22-2012, 12:38 PM
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I finally found a way to make my dick 9 inches long.

I fold it in half.
#23
Old 11-22-2012, 12:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twickster View Post
Not to be a dick about it, but joke threads go in MPSIMS. Moved from Cafe Society.
My dick is so big 1/2 of it is still on it's way here from Cafe Society.

My dick is so big it's got it's own dick, and that dick has it's own zip code.
#24
Old 11-22-2012, 12:56 PM
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What does a man with a 12 inch dick have for breakfast?
This morning I was in a hurry so I just had coffee.
#25
Old 11-22-2012, 01:16 PM
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My dick is so big the Alaskan Pipeline used to have inadequacy issues.
My dick is so big astronauts mistakenly believe they can see the Great Wall of China from space.
My dick is so big it crosses the International Dateline. Twice.

Last edited by Czarcasm; 11-22-2012 at 01:18 PM. Reason: spelling. Typing with my dick wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.
#26
Old 11-22-2012, 01:22 PM
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My dick is so big it had a military coup and is now known as the People's Republic of My Dick.
#27
Old 11-22-2012, 01:22 PM
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My name used to be Mason, and my dick was Pennsylvania's southern border.





Mason's dick's-on-line, they called it.
#28
Old 11-22-2012, 01:24 PM
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Those aren't my balls-those are my dick's moons.
#29
Old 11-22-2012, 01:24 PM
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Punchline only:

"Yes, but this one's eating my popcorn."
#30
Old 11-22-2012, 01:26 PM
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http://boards.academicpursuits.us/sdmb/...ad.php?t=19152
#31
Old 11-22-2012, 01:39 PM
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My dick is so big, it's a swing state.

My dick is so big, George Lucas is adding CGI effects to its next release.

My dick is so big, it does my taxes for me.
#32
Old 11-22-2012, 01:41 PM
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My dick is so big that I am the little thing that dangles off of it.

Last edited by Scumpup; 11-22-2012 at 01:42 PM.
#33
Old 11-22-2012, 01:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RickJay View Post
My dick is so big, George Lucas is adding CGI effects to its next release.
My dick is so big George Lucas is releasing it as Episodes 7 through 9.
#34
Old 11-22-2012, 01:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RickJay View Post

My dick is so big, George Lucas is adding CGI effects to its next release.
Han still shot off first.
#35
Old 11-22-2012, 01:48 PM
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Just thought I'd point out that most of these penis jokes aren't very large.
#36
Old 11-22-2012, 01:51 PM
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My dick is so big..

Last edited by Czarcasm; 11-22-2012 at 01:52 PM.
#37
Old 11-22-2012, 02:09 PM
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My dick's so big light bends as it passes by.
#38
Old 11-22-2012, 02:44 PM
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My dick is so big, when my dick was getting Knighted, The Queen was unable to dub it thrice.
#39
Old 11-22-2012, 02:57 PM
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My dick is so big, yo' momma said it was bigger than all the other dicks she'd had, put together.

My dick is so big, Herman Melville wrote a book about it.
#40
Old 11-22-2012, 04:05 PM
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I have two. One only smart people get. The other, only women find funny.



1.
SPOILER:
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?


2. A young soldier loses his leg just above the knee, in Afganistan. He comes home, does his rehab and goes on to live his life. He doesn't date, he's embarrassed by his handicap, even though he's overcome so much.
He eventually, meets a woman he just can't resist. They date for months without being intimate. He never tells her about his injury.
Finally, he gets up the nerve to move to the next level.
He takes her to a beautiful hotel.
When she goes into the bathroom to get ready, he takes off his prostesis and hides it under the bed.
She gets into bed next to him. He says, "Honey, before we start anything, I'm afraid I have something I haven't told you."
She: "Whatever it is, I'm sure it's ok."
He: "Maybe I'd better show you, give me your hand." He moves her hand to the stump. She runs her hand over it, but doesn't say a word.
Panicked, he begs, "Please, say something!"
Finally, she whispers,
SPOILER:
"Do you have any KY?"
#41
Old 11-22-2012, 04:22 PM
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My dick is too big to fail.
#42
Old 11-22-2012, 04:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anaamika View Post
My dick is too big to fail.
Win.
#43
Old 11-22-2012, 05:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scumpup View Post
Win.
I think I shall concur.
#44
Old 11-22-2012, 05:37 PM
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A long time ago, back when playing Trivial Pursuit was considered a fun evening, I had some friends over at my place for a game. We were all guys except for one. My friend Ron had brought a date. We all knew each other and were having a good time, especially because I answered most the questions with "my penis".
What is the largest mountain in the US? My penis.
What is the largest island in the Mediterranean? My penis.
And many more but all of there were asked of me by the woman. Now she thought it was funny but Ron was getting mad and a little embarrassed. So finally he took the card from her and decided to read the question to me.

That question was: What is, by far, the largest human organ?
Of course everyone burst up laughing and after a minute it subsided and I finally responded.

"The skin."
"Correct" Ron confiremed.
"Because it has to around my dick."

More laughter ensued, the board may have been tossed in the air, I don't remember.
#45
Old 11-23-2012, 06:05 AM
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"I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'. "

Anyway, a bar owner had a sign in his bar offering a large sum of money to the first person who could make his horse laugh. Many people tried, but nobody succeeded until one day a very small man said something to the horse who immediately burst out laughing. The bar owner grudgingly paid out the money and decided to change the offer to the first person who could make the horse cry. Many people tried but nobody succeeded until one day the same small man came to the bar, said something to the horse and it started crying. Once again the bar owner had to fork out money and he asked the small man what on Earth he had done to the horse. "Well", the man said, "when I made the horse laugh I said to him that I had a bigger penis than he had and when I showed it to him he started crying".
#46
Old 11-23-2012, 08:25 AM
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Your memory is as long as your dick!


And what can you do with a 12" memory?
#47
Old 11-23-2012, 09:27 AM
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My dick is so big I have every SDMB thread tatooed on it for reference to really old threads.
#48
Old 11-23-2012, 10:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryan Ekers View Post
My dick's so big, to calculate its size I needed a Wang computer.
HAHAHAHA! Man, I'm going to tell that one myself.

Let's see if I can remember the exact wording:

My dick is as big as a microchip.

Did I tell it right?
#49
Old 11-23-2012, 11:00 AM
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My dick is so big it's cuniculous.
#50
Old 11-23-2012, 11:22 AM
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Semi-obligatory link to rapper Mickey Avalon's 'members only' track, My Dick.

Some choice lines from it include:
My dick plays on the double-feature screen / your dick went straight to DVD.
and
My dick is like supersize / your dick look like two fries.
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