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#1
Old 12-22-2013, 05:44 PM
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Your favorite joke from Playboy Mag.

With apologies to the ladies. It must be decades since I last read a playboy. Aside from fashion tips and occasional good articles on science, some of the jokes there used to crack me up. My favorite: a man and a woman were doing standing sex with the woman backed up against the side of a bell tower that looked oddly familiar. The woman was saying, "Umberto, this is our last night together in Pisa... Let us make it a night to remember..."
#2
Old 12-22-2013, 08:02 PM
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I don't know why I remember this one ... it was sneaking looks at my Dad's Playboys that he kept hidden in a closet in his office ... but a couple making love outside on a ski slope:

"What staying power? I'm frozen stiff!"

Oui magazine taught me a word in those teen years: It had two very buxom women in one T-shirt with the word "plethora" on it with the caption "Plethora: an overabundance."

Things you remember even more than 4 decades later, eh?
#3
Old 12-22-2013, 08:29 PM
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A middle-aged, very conservatively-dressed man and a buxom young woman are sitting at a table. The woman says, "Do I believe in Original Sin? That depends. How original do you want to be?"

A couple dressed in Middle-Eastern costume: "The loaf of bread and the jug of wine are on the house, Omar, but 'thou' is going to cost you!"
#4
Old 12-22-2013, 08:37 PM
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I still recall one cartoon in which a husband returns home from the office unexpectedly early and surprises his wife in bed with another woman. She says to him something like: "Wait, it's not what you're hoping!"
#5
Old 12-22-2013, 08:48 PM
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There's an orgy taking place in the middle of a living room, except that all the men have got up and are running toward the window. The women are lying about the floor, somewhat dazed, and one of them says "What IS it about fire engines?".
#6
Old 12-22-2013, 08:48 PM
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People who live in glass houses should throw parties in the basement.
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#7
Old 12-22-2013, 09:02 PM
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When they defined masturbation as "coming unscrewed".
#8
Old 12-22-2013, 09:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Siam Sam View Post
I still recall one cartoon in which a husband returns home from the office unexpectedly early and surprises his wife in bed with another woman. She says to him something like: "Wait, it's not what you're hoping!"
Good one, but it's from the New Yorker.

(While we're off-topic, I always liked this one.)
#9
Old 12-22-2013, 09:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flywheel View Post
Good one, but it's from the New Yorker.

(While we're off-topic, I always liked this one.)
Ah, so it was. I knew it was from one of those dirty rags.
#10
Old 12-22-2013, 09:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Siam Sam View Post
I still recall one cartoon in which a husband returns home from the office unexpectedly early and surprises his wife in bed with another woman. She says to him something like: "Wait, it's not what you're hoping!"
I remember one with two women in bed. "You better get out of here before my husband gets home and thinks he's getting a Christmas present!"
#11
Old 12-22-2013, 09:48 PM
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From the early seventies: two uniformed cops are hauling Colonel Sanders out of one of his restaurants in cuffs, and one of them says to the other “I found out what’s in those seven herbs and spices.”

Last edited by Washoe; 12-22-2013 at 09:48 PM.
#12
Old 12-22-2013, 09:57 PM
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Man and woman on a date, driving to a no-tell motel.

He says, "Respect you in the morning? I don't respect you now."
#13
Old 12-22-2013, 10:20 PM
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Girl going down on car salesman in a new car. "you will notice the great headroom in this model."
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#14
Old 12-22-2013, 10:32 PM
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From PB, mid 70's, I think:

Man and woman seated at table in restaurant. Woman is saying to the man:
"Already? Boy, that is premature!"
#15
Old 12-22-2013, 11:21 PM
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It was an October issue (don't recall the year). A man has opened his front door to find an attractive woman, dressed in a witch hat and very little else.

The man is saying, "Why, Ms. Smith, I do believe I'll settle for a trick!"


I remember a couple limericks:

A horny young locksmith named Shore
Had the hots for his favorite whore
When the cops came inside
With a true craftsman's pride
He was making a bolt for the door

When a man queried saleslady Shedd
As to whether a fully-made bed
Had springs that were quiet
She answered, "Just try it!"
As she pulled down the blanket and spread
#16
Old 12-22-2013, 11:53 PM
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A pretty young woman in a short skirt is manning the counter at the bakery, which has very high shelves of product with a ladder to reach the slower-selling product on the top. The first man in line, seeing the raisin bread all the way up on the top shelf, asks for a loaf. She dutifully climbs up the ladder while the man looks up appreciatively. He pays and steps back.

The next man in line, seeing the game, also asks for raisin bread. She climbs up again, unknowingly presenting the men below with a nice view up her skirt. The second man pays and steps back.

The next customer is an old man. A little flushed from the climbing, she asks him, "Is yours raisin too?"

He smiles. "No, but it's twitchin' a little!"
#17
Old 12-23-2013, 12:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick View Post
People who live in glass houses should throw parties in the basement.
No, people who live in glass houses--shouldn't. I saw one in 1966, when I was a senior in high school: A young man joined the Army. The first day he was issued a comb, and the barber cut off all his hair. The second day he was issued a toothbrush, and the dentist pulled out all his teeth. The third day he was issued a jock strap, and he went AWOL. I told that to guys on the water polo team, changing it to a woman who was issued a brassiere. They didn't think it was funny.

Last edited by dougie_monty; 12-23-2013 at 12:48 AM.
#18
Old 12-23-2013, 01:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flywheel View Post
(While we're off-topic, I always liked this one.)
Ahhhh this one has been stuck in my brain so long!! It's a New Yorker? For some reason my brain morphed it into more of an indignant encounter, I would've (before I revisited the cartoon) rendered it as:

"Well, if it isn't my best friend! And my best friend's wife!"

Last edited by Sunshine and Smiles; 12-23-2013 at 01:18 AM.
#19
Old 12-23-2013, 03:36 AM
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Any Gahan Wilson cartoon. Every single one.
#20
Old 12-23-2013, 04:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Askance View Post
There's an orgy taking place in the middle of a living room, except that all the men have got up and are running toward the window. The women are lying about the floor, somewhat dazed, and one of them says "What IS it about fire engines?".
D'oh! I was going to say this one!
#21
Old 12-23-2013, 04:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Washoe View Post
From the early seventies: two uniformed cops are hauling Colonel Sanders out of one of his restaurants in cuffs, and one of them says to the other “I found out what’s in those seven herbs and spices.”
Nitpick: "They finally figured out what those eleven herbs and spices are," IIRC.

Last edited by terentii; 12-23-2013 at 04:39 AM.
#22
Old 12-23-2013, 04:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skammer View Post
He smiles. "No, but it's twitchin' a little!"
Nitpick: "No, but it's twitchin' a mite!"
#23
Old 12-23-2013, 04:51 AM
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Single panel, but it tells a complete story: Man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man; they lock eyes and smile, and the husband starts stripping. The wife, shocked, says "Roger, what the hell are you doing?"

Several Daniel Boone--types are making their way single-file through the forest. The leader says "Watch out, men. There's probably two Indians behind every tree!" There are, and they're all screwing!

A Miles Standish--type is trying to seduce a comely young wench, without success: "But you came across on the Mayflower...."

Elaborate full-page color painting of a Central American pyramid ... a crowd is gathered at the base, watching the sacrificial "virgin" climb the stairs ... the high priests are at the top, ready to carry out the ceremony. You stare at the picture for a couple of minutes, trying to figure out why it's supposed to be funny ... then you notice the little guy in the corner, discretely stifling a belly laugh!
#24
Old 12-23-2013, 08:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by don't ask View Post
Any Gahan Wilson cartoon. Every single one.


My favorite of his: A coven of robe-clad worshippers clustered around a big box with a letter "N" on it.

One onlooker asks a robe-clad worshipper



"Is Nothing sacred?"




The all-time best cartoon, to me, is one of the lamented Jack Cole's. Cole was a cartooning genius with a plethora of completely different styles (Before working at Playboy, he did a lot of comic book work. He invented Plastic Man. In fact, he invented the entire genre of rubbery super-heroes. Without him, there'd be no Mr; Fantastic, or Elasti-Girl).

My favorite of his is the sixth one down here:

http://www2.citypaper.com/news/story.asp?id=9163

It shows an artist painting a nude, and the model is just to one side. You can see the artist applying paint to the navel in the painting he is doing. Just to the side, the model has doubled over, laughing and clutching her stomach. The artist has obviously just playfully tickled her by dabbing the brush into her navel. The cartoon wordlessly makes this all immediately evident, and is a sort of two-panel cartoon, but actually done as a single panel. It's incredibly clever and inventive in the way it plays with the conventions of cartooning, but is immediately funny without all the highfalutin' artistic philosophy.
#25
Old 12-23-2013, 08:13 AM
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Aztec king has an underling giving him a report "You highness we have to cancel the march of the virgins. One of them is sick and the other won't march alone."
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#26
Old 12-23-2013, 09:22 AM
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Interior of a ratty crash pad, with a scraggly christmas tree in the corner and several stoners puffing weed.

Santa has just come down the chimney. He's standing there holding a badge and saying, "Ho-ho-ho....you're all busted!"
#27
Old 12-23-2013, 09:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by don't ask View Post
Any Gahan Wilson cartoon. Every single one.
My favorite has no caption. It shows God, Santa, and the Easter Bunny at a cocktail party talking shop.
#28
Old 12-23-2013, 12:04 PM
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Batman, Robin, Superman, Wonder Woman, et al., are lounging around a seedy apartment looking bored. One of them perks up and says "I know! Let's wreak vengeance on the forces of evil!"
#29
Old 12-23-2013, 12:29 PM
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Ah, the cartoons. One I liked had two ancient Egyptians carving hieroglyphics on a tomb. One turns to the other: "Is 'virile' spelled with one testicle or two?"
#30
Old 12-23-2013, 01:53 PM
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It was a cartoon in Playboy.

A man is carrying a box of fried chicken away from a fast-food outlet. He's passing by a prostitute who tells him, "You know, my deluxe box comes with two thighs, two breasts, and a roll."
#31
Old 12-23-2013, 02:51 PM
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This one dates from at least the late 50's. It was a Christmas card, and was pretty edgy for those times.

It featured a nice colored reproduction of The Last Supper, with the caption just below saying,

"Separate checks, please."
#32
Old 12-23-2013, 03:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by terentii View Post
Batman, Robin, Superman, Wonder Woman, et al., are lounging around a seedy apartment looking bored. One of them perks up and says "I know! Let's wreak vengeance on the forces of evil!"
I remember that one. It was a B. Kliban cartoon (the guy famous for all the cat cartoons). IIRC, most, if not all, of the superheroes weren't exactly existing ones, but were different enough to avoid copyright complaints. The guy making the declaration, in fact, looked an awful lot like Zorro.
#33
Old 12-23-2013, 04:21 PM
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Yes, 40+ years...but I still remember this one (from the joke page, not a cartoon as most seem to be quoting):

It's a Sunday night, and two college roommates in a girls' dorm are undressing and putting their PJs on. One notices that the other's tummy seems to have an indentation or impression in her skin, in the form of a letter "M"

"Where did that come from?" she asks her roommate who blushes a bit and says "My boyfriend visited me from out of town over the weekend, and he likes to make love to me while wearing his football letter sweater."

Her roommate says, "Oh...where does he go to school, Michigan or Miami?"

The other girl blushes again and says "Wisconsin!"
#34
Old 12-23-2013, 09:38 PM
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From 1969 or so (when I was in sixth grade, looking at my college-aged brothers' collection): a "blind" painter touching his nude models, winking to the side and saying "Don't let them know I'm not blind". I thought it was hilarious at the time, and shared it with my classmates.
#35
Old 12-23-2013, 09:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnGalt View Post
From 1969 or so (when I was in sixth grade, looking at my college-aged brothers' collection): a "blind" painter touching his nude models, winking to the side and saying "Don't let them know I'm not blind". I thought it was hilarious at the time, and shared it with my classmates.
That reminds me of another one I think was in Playboy. I screwed up with my other one being from The New Yorker. But there was this obviously blind lady -- dark glasses, cane, all the usual props to signal blindness -- getting into some sort of exotic sexual position, and I mean really bizarre, like a pretzel and with safety cushions and stuff, preparing to screw this incredibly dorky-looking guy. And she says something like: "I normally wouldn't do this sort of thing, but seeing as you're John Travolta ..."
#36
Old 12-23-2013, 10:09 PM
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I'd offer some of the jokes I remember from the jokes page, but I've already posted most of them elsewhere.

My favorite is probably the one where a guy walks into a bar and orders six shots of scotch, neat, and then knocks each one back in rapid succession.

"Whoa, slow down there, pal!" says the bartender.

"Sorry," says the guy. "I just came from my first blowjob."

"Aha!" the barkeep says knowingly. "Celebratin' eh?"

"Hell, no!" says the guy. "I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
#37
Old 12-23-2013, 10:26 PM
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Ebeneezer Scrooge is being chucked under the chin by a beautiful, topless ghost. "Repent, Ebeneezer, and I'll be your Ghost of Christmas Present!"


Ebeneezer Scrooge is being shepherded through his history by the Ghost of Present; a much younger Scrooge is having sex with an enthusiastic woman. An irritated looking Scrooge is making some comment like "Yes, yes, again?!"


There's a happy, rumpled-looking woman in a bed in her home; on top of the house is Santa Claus. Santa is leaning over and saying to one of his reindeer "...and then a voice from behind me says 'Hey, Santa! I've got a little something for you!' "


A scene in some old fashioned inn, 18th century maybe. An obsequious innkeeper is hovering over a goggle-eyed patron while an extremely well endowed waitress in a low-cut dress is bending way over offering him a plate of some kind of food. "Excuse me, sir? Would you like to nibble on one of our little tarts?"


An orgy scene. A woman is saying to the guy she's having sex with that "...without my glasses, I can't recognize anyone until he's right on top of me!"
#38
Old 12-23-2013, 11:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Der Trihs View Post
A scene in some old fashioned inn, 18th century maybe. An obsequious innkeeper is hovering over a goggle-eyed patron while an extremely well endowed waitress in a low-cut dress is bending way over offering him a plate of some kind of food. "Excuse me, sir? Would you like to nibble on one of our little tarts?"
I remember one where everyone is naked (at an orgy, I presume). Two guys sitting on a couch are approached by a blonde with huge boobs and delightful pink nipples, wearing only a tiny apron and carrying a tray of orderves. "Would you gentlemen like a little something to nibble on?" she asks.

An older guy and his young mistress are lounging naked in front of a fireplace when the phone rings. She answers it and says "Oh, nothing much. Just lying around, roasting nuts by an open fire...."
#39
Old 12-24-2013, 03:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by terentii View Post
I remember one where everyone is naked (at an orgy, I presume). Two guys sitting on a couch are approached by a blonde with huge boobs and delightful pink nipples, wearing only a tiny apron and carrying a tray of orderves. "Would you gentlemen like a little something to nibble on?" she asks.

An older guy and his young mistress are lounging naked in front of a fireplace when the phone rings. She answers it and says "Oh, nothing much. Just lying around, roasting nuts by an open fire...."
hors d'oeuvres - appetisers that are literally "outside the work(s)", that is, not part of the chef's centrepiece.

There used to be pulp mags about the place forty years ago that consisted of nothing but cartoons and gags like these...
#40
Old 12-24-2013, 04:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Malacandra View Post
There used to be pulp mags about the place forty years ago that consisted of nothing but cartoons and gags like these...
When I was about 12, a friend had a pile of those. I still remember a picture of a girl who, according to the caption, was named Julie. There was a little poem to go along with the picture. Why I remember it, I have no idea, but I'll share it:

I came to see dear Julie,
And then I heard her call,
"I must slip on something, darling,
I'll be no time at all."

So I waited in the hallway,
And dreamed away my cares,
And then sweet Julie roused me,
By just slipping on the stairs.
#41
Old 12-24-2013, 05:38 AM
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An Arab sheik walks into his harem. "Alright, who doesn't have a headache?"
#42
Old 12-24-2013, 06:18 AM
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A 95 year old man (with dementia) goes to a nightclub, and sits down at the bar next to a beautiful woman, and he says to her "Do I come here often"?
#43
Old 12-24-2013, 09:36 AM
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My favorite joke was actually a cartoon, and a clean one at that!

It shows a guy walking down a sidewalk in what seems to be a typical suburb. He's passing one house, and beside the house, and nearly as big, is a structure shaped like an ordinary doghouse. There's a chain attached to a stake, and the chain goes off into the door of the doghouse. It's links and a foot long in themselves.

The sign on the yard fence says "JUST BEWARE"
#44
Old 12-24-2013, 09:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Malacandra View Post
There used to be pulp mags about the place forty years ago that consisted of nothing but cartoons and gags like these...
I seem to remember a magazine called "Sex to Sexty"
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#45
Old 12-24-2013, 10:08 AM
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Originally Posted by GaryM View Post
I seem to remember a magazine called "Sex to Sexty"
I think I remember that.
#46
Old 12-24-2013, 10:55 AM
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Another one I recall. Can't swear that this was from the pages of Playboy, but it could have been. And I'm sure that the fact that it has the theme of the earlier joke I posted is just coincidence!


A guy and his girlfriend go to a formal event in the dead of winter. As he's wearing a tuxedo that he doesn't want to get all wrinkled up, he doesn't bring a topcoat.

Sure enough, on the way back, he gets a flat tire. He hasn't brought any gloves with him either, so he's forced to go out in the bitter cold and change the tire with no protective clothing at all.

He gets back in the car and says, "Geez, I'm freezing to death! I think my fingers are frostbitten."

His girlfriend says, "Here, put your hands between my thighs; that'll warm them up."

The guys says, "You know, come to think of it, my ears are pretty cold too!"
#47
Old 12-24-2013, 11:08 AM
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Another one I just recalled. A man is having sex with a blow up sex doll. In a thought bubble, the doll is fantasizing that she's having sex with an inflatable pool toy.
#48
Old 12-24-2013, 11:19 AM
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Two cowboys are in a saloon. One is standing with his hands just above his pistols, clearly ready to draw. The other stands holding a startled-looking saloon girl, one of her breasts clenched in his hand. The first cowboy says, "When I said "fill yer hand," I didn't mean fer ya to do it that way!"

Last edited by Evil Captor; 12-24-2013 at 11:19 AM.
#49
Old 12-24-2013, 12:15 PM
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Jenny McCarthy
#50
Old 12-24-2013, 01:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CalMeacham View Post
My favorite of his is the sixth one down here:

http://www2.citypaper.com/news/story.asp?id=9163

It shows an artist painting a nude, and the model is just to one side. You can see the artist applying paint to the navel in the painting he is doing. Just to the side, the model has doubled over, laughing and clutching her stomach. The artist has obviously just playfully tickled her by dabbing the brush into her navel.
Not obvious to me at all. I take it as the model being magically connected to the painting, so she's being tickled precisely at the moment shown, rather than before. But it affirms your high opinion of the cartoon, because it can work either way.
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