#1
Old 07-16-2014, 10:42 PM
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"tighter than..." similes

Lately I've been trying to come up with similes for how close a game is. "That World Cup final was tighter than spandex on a 350-pound woman." "It was tighter than the buttocks of a straight man going to jail."

I'm not terribly creative, so I'm looking for more similes like this. The cruder, the better.
#2
Old 07-16-2014, 11:52 PM
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Tighter than a bull's asshole in fly season.
#3
Old 07-17-2014, 12:12 AM
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I had a boss who used to say, "tighter than a twelve year old" when a part went together properly.

Funny thing is, after he had a daughter, he didn't find that quite so funny anymore.
#4
Old 07-17-2014, 12:53 AM
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Tighter than a Jew in a recession?
Tighter than a Kiwi in a sheep?
Tighter than a Scot in a sheep in a recession?
#5
Old 07-17-2014, 02:33 AM
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Clam's ass at high tide.
#6
Old 07-17-2014, 06:26 AM
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A Baptist minister's wife's girdle at an all you can eat pancake breakfast.
#7
Old 07-17-2014, 07:53 AM
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The Irish standard one is 'tighter than a nun's gee'.
#8
Old 07-17-2014, 08:04 AM
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Please excuse the profanity:

Tighter than a preacher's dick in a cat's ass.

Tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm.

Tighter than an otter's pocket
#9
Old 07-17-2014, 08:05 AM
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Tighter than Tom Thumb's ass.
#10
Old 07-17-2014, 09:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TreacherousCretin View Post
Tighter than a bull's asshole in fly season.
Beat me to it, but I usually use the more streamlined "Tighter'na bull's ass in fly time."

And then there's always Crumb's Whiteman, whose slogan was "Keep a tight asshole."

Last edited by Amateur Barbarian; 07-17-2014 at 09:05 AM.
#11
Old 07-17-2014, 12:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amateur Barbarian View Post
Beat me to it, but I usually use the more streamlined "Tighter'na bull's ass in fly time."
We can share the credit. I'm easy.
The bovine bunghole reminds me of a very similar one-liner: "Redder than a fox's asshole in berry season."
#12
Old 07-17-2014, 04:02 PM
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So tight you couldn't drive a 10 penny nail in with a sledghammer.
#13
Old 07-18-2014, 02:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tatterdemalion View Post
I had a boss who used to say, "tighter than a twelve year old" when a part went together properly.

Funny thing is, after he had a daughter, he didn't find that quite so funny anymore.
That was my go-to line for a long time.
#14
Old 07-18-2014, 02:31 PM
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Workaholics use the phrase 'tight butthole'. Finding an image to go along with that brought up some strange pictures. I mean, I knew what I was getting myself into, but I found a lot of weird stuff in the process.
#15
Old 07-18-2014, 02:39 PM
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Tighter than two thumbs up a pigs ass.

My Grandfather, trying to get a transmission back on after a rebuild.
Sedro Woolley Wa, circa 1977.
#16
Old 07-18-2014, 02:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yanceylebeef View Post
Tighter than two thumbs up a pigs ass.

My Grandfather, trying to get a transmission back on after a rebuild.
Sedro Woolley Wa, circa 1977.
It's an aside, but one of my favorite "mechanical magic" curses involves trying to start a balky pull-start engine: "Come or bleed, I ain't gonna spit on you again!"
#17
Old 07-18-2014, 02:51 PM
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Tight as a tourniquet. (Dry as a funeral drum.)
#18
Old 07-19-2014, 12:11 AM
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Tighter than a duck's asshole. (Which is of course watertight.)
#19
Old 07-19-2014, 12:22 AM
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Tight as Honey Boo Boo's training bra.
#20
Old 07-19-2014, 01:07 AM
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Slightly different meaning of the word, meaning stuck too tight to get apart:

"Tighter than a hair in a biscuit."
#21
Old 07-19-2014, 04:05 AM
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A gnat's chuff (Heard on Lee and Herring. "Chuff" = vagina.)
#22
Old 07-19-2014, 06:26 PM
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Tighter than Kelcey's pocketbook (spoken by Jack Carter in an episode of Emergency!)

Last edited by dougie_monty; 07-19-2014 at 06:26 PM.
#23
Old 07-20-2014, 09:55 AM
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I've always heard, but never used personally: "tighter than a nun's cunt".
#24
Old 07-21-2014, 07:05 PM
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tighter than a buzzards ass in a powerdive

so tight you couldnt pull a needle out of [his] ass with a pair of pliers
#25
Old 07-21-2014, 07:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ferris Bueller
Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you would have a diamond.
A bit too long to conform to the style guide here, but poetic nonetheless.
#26
Old 11-10-2016, 12:38 PM
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Tighter than a whistlers ass in a windstorm
#27
Old 11-10-2016, 12:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Son of a Rich View Post
I've always heard, but never used personally: "tighter than a nun's cunt".
I've always heard it as, "tighter than a nun's cunt on Easter Sunday".

So there.
#28
Old 11-10-2016, 12:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Colibri View Post
Tighter than a duck's asshole. (Which is of course watertight.)
And the similar "tighter than a frog's ass - and that's water tight". Not a "than", but my dad would describe somebody as "so tight he has to screw his hat on".

Last edited by Duke of Rat; 11-10-2016 at 12:58 PM.
#29
Old 11-10-2016, 01:05 PM
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A friend of mine once said that she was "So tight I (referring to herself) squeak"

(She was talking a being frugal with money )
#30
Old 11-16-2016, 01:09 PM
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Tighter than eskimos eyes
#31
Old 11-16-2016, 03:08 PM
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Tighter than jar of peanut butter at a squirrel convention.
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