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#1
Old 05-07-2016, 07:42 PM
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Did anyone have a close family member stop talking to you?

I am not talking about a situation where you slowly drift away over time to the point where your only communication is a happy birthday text message.

I am talking about a situation where someone actively started to avoid you. What was the reason? Did the other person overreact to something or were you really a terrible person that deserved the silent treatment?
#2
Old 05-07-2016, 08:15 PM
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Coming from the reverse situation, I stopped speaking to my grandfather about 5 years ago after he physically assaulted me. Not regretting it one bit.
#3
Old 05-07-2016, 09:04 PM
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My mother; although in a way it ended up more mutual. She was always a little disturbed and after Dad passed away she went further in the unhinged direction. The last thing she said to me was "I never want to hear your voice again - you should have never been born". She tried to contact me several years later but I decided to make her wish come true.
#4
Old 05-07-2016, 10:41 PM
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I think I was caught in the crossfire by refusing to take sides in a conflict between older siblings which occurred while my mother was becoming terminally ill overlapping into the period after her death and while multiple simmering childhood origin dysfunctions were triggered into coming to a boil. Not sure really how much was the result of what was going on then and how much the play out of issues from childhood. Five sibs. Pretty sure the three oldest do not talk to anyone else in the family including each other, but for all I know they have started talking to each other now. It's sad but given the psychopathology involved likely better this way. No snark or sarcasm here: I hope they are happy.
#5
Old 05-07-2016, 10:53 PM
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There's nobody in my family I won't talk to and nobody in my family that won't talk to me. But I have had relatives who wouldn't talk to other relatives.
#6
Old 05-07-2016, 11:21 PM
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My brother raised (to use a term very loosely) 3 kids.
Unfortunately, he and his wife defined themselves as "parents of young, dependent children" instead of "parents".
The kids were born in 1971, 1973 and 1982 (yep, missed pill). The last one was a classic "old egg" child - not pretty, not smart, not clever.
They decided the last one would stay forever - no matter what it took.

They assured her 100 times a day that, whatever she did, it was not only OK, but downright exceptional.
Unfortunately (the term gets used a lot with this kid), the parents worked for the (small) locval school and could make the school tell her she was wonderful.
Not surprisingly, she developed a snot-nosed-bitch attitude.

She was interested in photography. I sent her a scanner and printer with Photoshop on a computer.

She got snot-nosed with me in an email.
I slapped her down. Hard.

Daddy demanded I apologize.

That was the end of our relationship.


I have a sister with whom simply nobody gets along. Joining the "not speaking to her" club was super easy.

(the snot-nosed-bitch lasted about a month at a third-rate college. Mommy and Daddy couldn't control the college.)
#7
Old 05-07-2016, 11:55 PM
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I stopped speaking to my youngest brother's wife several years ago. She may not be speaking to me, don't know and don't care to find out.
#8
Old 05-07-2016, 11:55 PM
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A close relative has seeming stopped speaking to me. It's hard to tell because we weren't really close, since we were raised to compete, not to cooperate. At our last communication, I was accused of not showing enough interest in her life and accomplishments. It's not like she has showed any interest in my life, either. There seems to be a certain level of obeisance expected that I am not capable of providing.

I am still open to communication.
#9
Old 05-08-2016, 12:35 AM
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Late sister stopped talking to me or taking my calls when she found out I am an atheist. She was smart but was being irrational about this. Tried to reach out to her through her friends but she wouldn't talk to me. Not until it was almost time for her to go, any way, when she was disoriented to the point I doubt she even knew it was me talking to her.

Last edited by Blackstock; 05-08-2016 at 12:36 AM.
#10
Old 05-08-2016, 04:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by usedtobe View Post
. The last one was a classic "old egg" child - not pretty, not smart, not clever.
This is fucked up.
#11
Old 05-08-2016, 05:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Merneith View Post
This is fucked up.
Only that part?
#12
Old 05-08-2016, 05:45 AM
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These are sad stories.

Mine is about a cousin of mine, who used to be my best friend when we were in elementary school.

As a teenager, he took after his father and became a heavy drinker. Gradually, from the highly well paid young man with whom you could always have an intelligent conversation he turned into an unemployable elderly-looking fellow whose discourse was either bitter or incoherent and whose company depressed everyone.

We don't talk to each other anymore because I refuse to support him financially.
#13
Old 05-08-2016, 09:09 AM
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Yes--all of my brothers & sister, for years.
Andy died, without making up with me.
#14
Old 05-08-2016, 09:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by usedtobe View Post
My brother raised (to use a term very loosely) 3 kids.
Unfortunately, he and his wife defined themselves as "parents of young, dependent children" instead of "parents".
The kids were born in 1971, 1973 and 1982 (yep, missed pill). The last one was a classic "old egg" child - not pretty, not smart, not clever.
They decided the last one would stay forever - no matter what it took.

They assured her 100 times a day that, whatever she did, it was not only OK, but downright exceptional.
Unfortunately (the term gets used a lot with this kid), the parents worked for the (small) locval school and could make the school tell her she was wonderful.
Not surprisingly, she developed a snot-nosed-bitch attitude.

She was interested in photography. I sent her a scanner and printer with Photoshop on a computer.

She got snot-nosed with me in an email.
I slapped her down. Hard.

Daddy demanded I apologize.

That was the end of our relationship.


I have a sister with whom simply nobody gets along. Joining the "not speaking to her" club was super easy.

(the snot-nosed-bitch lasted about a month at a third-rate college. Mommy and Daddy couldn't control the college.)
I read this post twice, then got dizzy, then I gave up.

Can anyone translate for me?


mmm
#15
Old 05-08-2016, 10:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mean Mr. Mustard View Post
I read this post twice, then got dizzy, then I gave up.

Can anyone translate for me?


mmm
From what I can decipher:

Brother and his wife raised their kids to be dependent on them.
They had an "Oops!" kid when the wife was older.
Kid was ugly due to "old eggs"(?) so parents spoiled her and wanted her to say with Mommy and Daddy forever.
Kid got into photography and Mean Mr. Mustard gave her a printer, scanner and a computer with Photoshop on it.
Kid fired off a "snot nosed"(?) email and Mean Mr. Mustard replied with an angry one.
Brother tells him to apologize.
They no longer speak to each other.
#16
Old 05-08-2016, 11:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brodi View Post
From what I can decipher:

Brother and his wife raised their kids to be dependent on them.
They had an "Oops!" kid when the wife was older.
Kid was ugly due to "old eggs"(?) so parents spoiled her and wanted her to say with Mommy and Daddy forever.
Kid got into photography and Mean Mr. Mustard gave her a printer, scanner and a computer with Photoshop on it.
Kid fired off a "snot nosed"(?) email and Mean Mr. Mustard replied with an angry one.
Brother tells him to apologize.
They no longer speak to each other.
I appreciate your efforts, but Mean Mr. Mustard did none of those things you have attributed to him.




mmm
#17
Old 05-08-2016, 11:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mean Mr. Mustard View Post
I appreciate your efforts, but Mean Mr. Mustard did none of those things you have attributed to him.




mmm
I was just thinking how cool it was for mmm to buy usedtobe's homely niece all that photography stuff
#18
Old 05-08-2016, 12:44 PM
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My brother and I became alienated right after my sister died a couple of years ago. He couldn't be bothered to visit her in the hospital while she lay dying, which I could maybe have forgiven, but then he and his wife made disparaging remarks to me, and that was the end. This, after years of figuratively turning the other cheek to his insulting remarks in order to maintain some sort of family cohesion, and his callous disregard for his own children and our mother. Two years later (last August) the reaper came for him, and I felt little sadness at his passing. His widow can go fuck herself.

There was a period of a few years when my oldest son stopped talking to me. He was heavily influenced by his now ex-wife, who alienated him from the entire family. I had done nothing other than divorce his mother, but she painted me as the devil (she was and is a religious nut), and his siblings as being an evil influence. Happily, he finally came to realization that she was a manipulative bitch and dumped her. We're now on very good terms.

Last edited by Chefguy; 05-08-2016 at 12:47 PM.
#19
Old 05-08-2016, 12:54 PM
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My mother's other daughter and I don't speak. Don't ever want to speak to her again.

Once my grandmother stopped speaking to me. Grandma would say whatever came into her head, she had no filter at all. She could be quite nasty sometimes. She said one thing too many to me and I told her off. I felt kind of bad about it, after all she was my grandmother and I was raised to respect my elders.
She stopped talking to me for about six months. Wasn't so bad.
One day a bunch of cousins confronted me about what I had said to grandma. I was all apologetic, thinking they were mad at me for being rude to her.
Nope, they all wanted to know what I said so they could say it too, and maybe grandma would stop talking to them for six months.
Poor grandma, but she brought it on herself.

My mother's (now deceased) bf stopped talking to me for a while. He thought he was the boss and didn't like being stood up to. I think it was over my son's hair. He said my son need a haircut. I said my son didn't want one. He said you are his mother, make him get it cut. I said you're right, I am his mother and if he doesn't want to get it cut he doesn't have to.
It was truly a blessed time of silence. A much too short time of silence, but you take your joy when you can find it.

One of my favorite aunts stopped talking to me. I had no idea why, what I had done or said to offend her. She was also rude if I tried to speak to her. At first I was really hurt, then I thought fuck it. If she wants to act like a two year old and not tell me what I had said or done, then screw her, I'm not playing her game. Last Christmas, out of nowhere she started talking to me like nothing had ever been wrong. Go figure. I'm glad though, because she died a few weeks ago and I'm happy we were on good terms when she passed.
#20
Old 05-08-2016, 01:03 PM
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I come from a family of Jehovah's Witnesses—my great-grandparents converted a century ago. There are so many people who have been cut off for religious reasons, it's hard to keep track. We have the Religious, the Neutrals, and the Ostracized. Neutrals serve as mediators. I come from the Ostracized branch. Let me see if I can break it down:

Religious:
one aunt
three cousins (not all belong to the aunt)
some great-aunts and distant cousins
dead uncle and great-aunts

Neutrals:
one uncle
a bunch of cousins (not all belong to the uncle)
dead great-aunts; distant cousins

Ostracized:
mom
one uncle
a couple of cousins (none belong to the uncle)
me
dead uncle
dead grandparents [who, unsurprisingly, used to be Religious].

Right now, the shenanigans over grandpa's will are forcing us all to deal with each other. It's pretty clear that the three groups will break permanently after it's over.

There is some movement: a cousin has joined the Religion, but doesn't seem all that into it, while her dad has moved from Neutral to Ostracized. I was largely neutral but suspicious (because of Mom) until people learned that I was gay, which put me into Ostracized.
#21
Old 05-08-2016, 01:45 PM
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After many years of disinterest, I finally stopped talking with my mother. My mother is a woman who constantly needs to be needed and my younger (adult) brother and his sons fit that bill perfectly. Me, not so much. My brother relies on my mother for lot of stuff and his family (including Wife #3) is always full of drama. Major drama, like arrests, fights, etc. Again, me, not so much. As a result, the majority of my mother's time and attention are focused on my brother and his crew. Every time my mom and I would get together, all she would do is talk about my brother and the latest drama. (I haven't talked to my brother is many, many years--I don't need that shit in my life.)

In October, Hallgirl1 and I met with my mom at an All You Can Eat crab fundraiser at a local fire hall. While we were there (for two hours), my mom talked non-stop about my brother and his crew and their latest drama. She hadn't seen Hallgirl1 in years, but my mother never asked how we are doing, or what we were doing, or what was new, etc....nothing. It was like we didn't exist. While we were there, several people came up to our table to say hello to my mom and chat with her for a bit, but never did she introduce us. (She knew them--after they'd leave, she's say, "That's so-in-so, he's (fill in the blank)." For me, that was the final straw.

I decided then and there to just break it off and not put so much effort into trying to maintain a relationship with her. Before this, it seemed like I was the one always calling her to find out how she was doing, or asking her out to dinner, or initiating conversations, and I just got tired of it always being me initiating everything. I figured if she wanted to see me, she would call. And it's been seven months now, and no phone call. So, I guess that is that.
#22
Old 05-08-2016, 03:03 PM
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My middle brother and his bitch of a wife. I never liked my middle brother since the day he was born for some reason. We fought violently and constantly almost every second we were forced to be together. I am talking baseball bats and knives to the throat type fighting. In short, we don't have natural harmony and everyone knows that we have to keep a safe distance from one another even today.

I have also known his wife since she was a small child because she is a close cousin to my childhood friends and she always nasty to me even at 6 years old. I was prepared to try to be an adult and tolerate them because I love their kids but they go out of their way to be complete assholes to both me and my children during the rare times that we see them. Both of them were purposefully mean to my daughters for no reason during my grandfather's 90th birthday party last August and that was the final straw.

They just announced the worst decision I have heard this year. They are having a third child on purpose despite the fact that they already have 12 and 10 year old sons that they can't afford on their own already. They will be almost 40 when the newest son is born next month.

All of that would be their own business except for the fact that they are personally bankrupt because of a constant stream of poor decision making. They built a personal McMansion (closer to an actual mansion) several years ago through a family loan and defaulted on it. My youngest brother and I now own their house because of that even though they live in it and do not pay anything for it.

I am going to be forced to start the ultimate family feud in a few short years when I have to evict them and sell their (my) house but that is what has to be done. I planned on doing that when their existing sons already moved out of the house but I am not waiting another 18 years because they tried to reset the clock by spawning yet again. I am going to have to pull the ultimate big brother dick move and call the sheriff to put all of their shit on the curb and get out so that their no paying ass can be homeless for all I care.

It probably isn't the wisest move for them to piss me off any more because it will greatly affect their fate but neither of them have ever been known to make rational decisions. The next time we speak will when they call me to try to negotiate and it isn't going to work.

Last edited by Shagnasty; 05-08-2016 at 03:05 PM.
#23
Old 05-08-2016, 03:21 PM
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I don't speak to my aunt since I learned how much she had mistreated my granny. Currently, she kinda talks to my granny (because she depends on her), and also to my parents (not frequently). I'm fine talking to her son, my cousin, though.

I don't speak to another cousin because I decided (after her mom my aunt died), that it was better to not speak to her and not have to deal with her drama and lies.
#24
Old 05-08-2016, 06:01 PM
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It did not happen to me, but it has happened in my family. My Aunts Theresa and Mary had some sort of argument right around the end of WWII. They never spoke again. They lived in the same neighborhood, shopped in the same stores and attended the same church. They just treated each other like strangers for the rest of their lives.

Aunt Mary won the argument by living about six months longer than Aunt Theresa. She passed away in 1996. That is a long time to hold a grudge, but we are stubborn...

Last edited by longhair75; 05-08-2016 at 06:02 PM. Reason: fat fingered typing
#25
Old 05-08-2016, 07:39 PM
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I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, as was my wife. We were both baptized as kids. Last year, at ages 38 and 35, we left the religion of our own accord. We are now shunned by our family that are JW's. My dad, mom, one brother (and his wife), and sister, and my wife's dad, mom, four sisters, and their two husbands and two kids.

My dad died last month. He spent the last year of his life shunning me. I was allowed to see him one last time in hospice to say goodbye. I was not allowed at his memorial service. So basically I was un-shunned for the 45 minutes or so at hospice with him, my mom, and sister, and then as soon as I left hospice I was back to shuntown mountain. My wife hasn't seen or spoken to any of her still JW relatives in over a year. I won't see mine again until maybe another hospice visit is in order? Who knows. Once we left the religion we were officially dead to them, resurrected just long enough for a final goodbye to dad.
#26
Old 05-08-2016, 10:15 PM
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My youngest nephew. When my dad was alive, certain monetary promises were made to both of my nephews. After he died, my mom could not fulfill said promises. Combine that with comments my mom has made due to mental issues, a massive schism occurred in the family. My sister and her sons on one side, my mom and me on the other. My sister and my older nephew will speak with me, but the youngest will not. At family get togethers, I talk to his wife just fine. He will not even say hello to me. I'm the only one who talks to mom.
#27
Old 05-09-2016, 10:44 AM
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Oh yes, this was my mother's favorite tactic. It's damn sad, but the best thing my mother did for family harmony was die. I know, I sound horrible, but since she's gone, we are all getting along much better. She made herself poison in the middle.
#28
Old 05-09-2016, 01:02 PM
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My aunt decided to stop talking to everyone in the family -- EVERYONE. She also sent her more immediate relatives letters detailing every grievance she had built up against them throughout her entire life. Her parents and siblings died without her ever speaking to them again.

After 15 years she opened up just enough to speak to her daughter occasionally, but only on the phone or by letter. Eventually we learned that my aunt was seriously disturbed (as in, "danger to herself and others") and had been spending those years in and out of institutions.
#29
Old 05-09-2016, 01:07 PM
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I have a cousin that will have nothing to do with me. I do not know why.
#30
Old 05-09-2016, 02:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kunilou View Post
My aunt decided to stop talking to everyone in the family -- EVERYONE. She also sent her more immediate relatives letters detailing every grievance she had built up against them throughout her entire life. Her parents and siblings died without her ever speaking to them again.

After 15 years she opened up just enough to speak to her daughter occasionally, but only on the phone or by letter. Eventually we learned that my aunt was seriously disturbed (as in, "danger to herself and others") and had been spending those years in and out of institutions.
Oh wow. Of all the anecdotes in this thread this one makes me sad. I mean, this isn't anyone's fault and yet everyone suffers.

Last edited by Fiveroptic; 05-09-2016 at 02:59 PM.
#31
Old 05-09-2016, 04:47 PM
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My brother's wife

My brother's wife (and therefor my bother and his kids) has completely removed herself from our family. My brother was working for the family business being groomed to take it over. When the transition actually happened, my brother's wife said some pretty hurtful stuff to my parents and they responded in kind. From everyone outside of this' perspective, everyone was at fault and needed to apologize. She decided that what had been said to her was too much and she won't talk to us anymore, eliminating the possibility of anyone resolving this.

It's only been 6 months so far, but the results have been devastating to everyone. Personally I'm filled with rage, my brother is my hero. Just writing this and realizing he's not in my life is making me cry. I hate her for how she's behaving. She's holding my niece and nephew essentially hostage. I haven't seen them in over 2 months and their birthdays were a couple weeks ago. No invite received. My brother says she doesn't have a problem with my sister and I, just my parents, but we're all being treated the same and that way is ridiculous anyways

If my parents were neglectful or unkind in anyway, it would make sense. But they really aren't. My brother worked for the family business for over 15 years. I worked alongside him for the last 4. Daily it was great. Nonstop conversation about science and history with my brother. And my dad was a great boss. Taught us everything we know. They have given their life's focus to raising us right. And he left just decided what his wife says is law. This new dynamic is so messed up to me that I'm still trying to figure it out. All I feel is sadness and rage

Last edited by BCborn; 05-09-2016 at 04:51 PM.
#32
Old 05-09-2016, 05:39 PM
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I have an uncle who periodically just gets a wild hair and quits speaking to the whole family for long periods, and then one year he'll turn up at Thanksgiving like nothing happened.

Nobody knows what his deal is, including his kids; we're FB friends so we quietly keep in touch and they warn us when he's going through one of his hissy fits.
#33
Old 05-09-2016, 06:11 PM
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My Sister. Cut off the entire family. No one has any idea why. She had come home for a family reunion in August that all agree was uneventful. By late fall, she wasnt returning calls or emails. By winter, she was telling us not to contact her(at work, we were worried and thought we could get hold of her there). She used to send my kids presents and cards, now they barely remember her. I can accept walking away from siblings, but what it has done emotionally to my father is pretty hard. He doesn't deserve it. Apologies for the mini whine session. It's not something I regularly talk about.
#34
Old 05-09-2016, 09:37 PM
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My mother. During the worst of my mental illness, I did some acting out (not at her) that she highly disapproved of. She cut off contact completely and took me out of the will. Apparently when she decided I'd done enough penance over enough time, she relented.
#35
Old 05-09-2016, 09:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justanothermike View Post
I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, as was my wife. We were both baptized as kids. Last year, at ages 38 and 35, we left the religion of our own accord. We are now shunned by our family that are JW's. My dad, mom, one brother (and his wife), and sister, and my wife's dad, mom, four sisters, and their two husbands and two kids.

My dad died last month. He spent the last year of his life shunning me. I was allowed to see him one last time in hospice to say goodbye. I was not allowed at his memorial service. So basically I was un-shunned for the 45 minutes or so at hospice with him, my mom, and sister, and then as soon as I left hospice I was back to shuntown mountain. My wife hasn't seen or spoken to any of her still JW relatives in over a year. I won't see mine again until maybe another hospice visit is in order? Who knows. Once we left the religion we were officially dead to them, resurrected just long enough for a final goodbye to dad.
Ex-JW here, too. I feel your pain, though I no longer have any relatives in the org, except an ex-wife, and I'd just as soon be shunned by her anyway.
#36
Old 05-09-2016, 09:46 PM
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The title of the thread "Did anyone have a close family member stop talking to you?" seems top, so far, have answers that are all YES.

Am I the only NO? Thank goodness, my family gets along, doesn't hate or shun or cut people off.
#37
Old 05-09-2016, 09:49 PM
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I haven't talked to my father since he let his current wife (not my mother) take back the wedding gift he gave me and my now ex. He gave us a car, she called the next day and asked how I wanted to pay for it. I took it back and left it in his driveway. It's his choice, not mine. Sent a wedding invitation to my last wedding 4 years ago, it was returned unopened.

I also haven't talked to a brother since I found out he was using my name when ticketed for various offenses. Took me a couple years to clear my name with 5 different jurisdictions. Still have to prove who I really am every time I renew my driver's license.

In the big picture, my father is now an angry old man because all his friend's have died and no one wants to play cars anymore. My brother is supposedly a recovering drug addict and still steals from family members every chance he gets. I don't ever want him near my home.
#38
Old 05-09-2016, 10:55 PM
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All my family talks to each other, though we are so spread out and not particularly close it's hard to tell. Many of my cousins might have stopped speaking to me years ago and I wouldn't know it.
#39
Old 05-09-2016, 10:56 PM
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I do wonder if the circumstance is more common than not.

And how much is due to psychiatric illness (diagnosed, appreciated, or not), to specific circumstances, or to specific circumstances triggering off longstanding childhood family dynamic issues?

In my family I am pretty sure that the specific issues were the least important items on the docket, other than that our mother's imminent mortality brought the childhood dynamics and resentments to transition points. And the very real psychiatric issues were likely less the major factor as well.

Was usedtobe's contempt of "old egg ... snot nosed bitch" niece, and his/her need to slap her down, hard, and his and his brother's irresolvable impasse over that interaction, just a single event, or part of a long line of perceptions? How would usedtobe's brother's version of the story go?

How do my sisters' versions of our story go? Probably I am guilty of something in their take.

Lakai, if I may ask, was there a particular reason for you to have brought this up? Family psychodrama or your own that this thread helps normalize? No obligation to share of course.
#40
Old 05-10-2016, 07:29 AM
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In the past 6 years, I have seen and talked to my parents and brother three times.

The first and second time was when my granmother spent her last days in hospital and passed away.

It all goes back to this:

My wife fell very seriously ill soon after our youngest daughter was born and was in hospital for weeks. Since she was a stay-at-home mom and I had a job, I desperately needed some help. My mother came right away. Except that after few days, she tearfully exclaimed that she "couldn't stand it anymore." The only thing that she had to do was prepare her granddaughter's baby bottle while I spent my days running from school (taking my eldest daughter) to work to hospital to work to school to hospital. She decided that she was going to stop keeping my daughters. Starting the next day or the one after at the latest.

So, I spent the next day frantically calling all the daycare centers around where I lived to find a place that would accept my daughter. The next day. For an undetermined period. Waiting lists for daycare centers are so long that you have to apply months in advance. Some people I called couldn't suppress a giggle: my request was so ridiculous. Of course, they understood the problem and they might be able to do something next month or the one after. Perhaps. But starting tomorrow? No way. I finally found a place that tentatively accepted to provide an "emergency solution". My mother's reaction: "So, you can deal with the situation".

This was the person who had been pestering me for years about when she was going to have grandkids. How [insert some former classmate's name] already had children. The same person who had bought dozens of vidotapes of cartoons for her "future grandchildren" over 12 years before my first daughter was born .

I've lived on my own since I was 17. This was the only time in my adult life when I really, desperatly needed help.

I cut her off from my life immediately and, since my dad didn't dare contradict her (she was the victim, I was so selfish and rude) and my brother knows on which side his bread is buttered, I stopped talking to them, too.

Last New Year's Eve, my wife insisted we called my parents. That was enough. She wanted our daughters to have grandparents like their classmates. I was not too enthusiastic about the idea but still, we called them. They were extatic. We arranged for them to come and visit a few weeks later. Everything went well.

That was three months ago. We haven't heard a word from them since then .

Oh, well.
#41
Old 05-10-2016, 08:30 AM
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As a temporary measure, it has been frequently used both by my mother and hers. When I got admitted into graduate school abroad, Mom didn't talk to me for a week; she'd leave me little notes stating my duties, when she wanted me to do some housework. Dad said "I'm sorry she's being like this, but you don't seem to have a problem with it?" "Nah, I'm rather enjoying having less work than usual . I wouldn't have done this to piss anybody off, but if she chooses to be mad at something that's evidently good, it's her problem."

There are some relatives to whom I speak as required by politeness. If we happen to be at the same table I'll pass the salt, but I'm not going out of my way to be at the same table. They're people with whom I have very little in common beyond genetics and a family tree.

Last edited by Nava; 05-10-2016 at 08:34 AM.
#42
Old 05-10-2016, 10:10 PM
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Location: Brooklyn, New York
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DSeid View Post
Lakai, if I may ask, was there a particular reason for you to have brought this up? Family psychodrama or your own that this thread helps normalize? No obligation to share of course.
My mother stopped talking to me.

She has a habit of making me feel guilty every time I do something she doesn't like. For example, if I forget to send an email she asked for, she'll say this is an example about how I do not care about her. If I really cared, the logic goes, I would have put more effort into sending the email.

I decided to be assertive and ask her to stop. She said it was rude of me to tell her to stop talking and that I don't respect her if I don't listen to her advice. She's not talking to me until I apologize and start respecting her again.
#43
Old 05-10-2016, 11:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lakai View Post
My mother stopped talking to me.

She has a habit of making me feel guilty every time I do something she doesn't like. For example, if I forget to send an email she asked for, she'll say this is an example about how I do not care about her. If I really cared, the logic goes, I would have put more effort into sending the email.

I decided to be assertive and ask her to stop. She said it was rude of me to tell her to stop talking and that I don't respect her if I don't listen to her advice. She's not talking to me until I apologize and start respecting her again.
That's bad behavior on her part all around. I'm sorry she's doing this to you, but here's some support for holding the line and enduring the silent treatment. If you give in, it only gives feedback that this kind of manipulation works.
#44
Old 05-10-2016, 11:41 PM
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Thank you for sharing your story Lakai.

Of course apologizing and reinforcing such behavior is highly likely not on the agenda nor should it be. But Dr. Drake being right is sometimes small comfort when one is rejected by the ones who we should be able to depend on for unconditional love and support.

My family dynamic was a bit complex in that my mother was a very non-maternal person who really likely never wanted any kids and outward expression of love or affection was not her thing. My Dad a long hours working man who clearly favored his younger boys, especially the baby conceived specifically to name after his much loved died too young brother, over the older girls. The older three girls, all born within three years of each other had issues that I can understand even if taking it out on me was wrong: never getting much affection from either parent ever, and seeing the me as the baby being relatively put on a pedestal from early years on. Of course I was clueless about that growing up and got some affection from them, mainly the oldest, that offset for me our mother's honest inability to attach to any of us. Resenting me was understandable really even though I had no fault in the matter.

Still, they, especially my oldest sister, had been my source growing up of what most others get from a mother. Being tossed away even by a sister who served that function hurts, no matter how much validation you otherwise get in life ... still does and it was years ago now ... how much more so when it is your mother who is willing to toss a relationship with you into the trashcan rather than show you any consideration at all?

Sorry for what you are going through Lakai. And also sorry that there are so many of us able to normalize that experience for you.
#45
Old 05-10-2016, 11:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baker View Post
The title of the thread "Did anyone have a close family member stop talking to you?" seems top, so far, have answers that are all YES.

Am I the only NO? Thank goodness, my family gets along, doesn't hate or shun or cut people off.
No, my family has not done this, to date either. I think I might call my mom tomorrow and tell her I love her, though.
#46
Old 05-11-2016, 11:57 AM
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I haven't experienced this in my family of origin, but it's rampant in my husband's family. When he was getting divorced from his first wife, his mother sent him a letter (!) stating that she wanted no further contact with him. She has generally held that line unless there's something she needs, like someone to fix her stove or look at her furnace.

His oldest son - my stepson - cashes the birthday and Christmas checks his father sends but otherwise has almost no interaction with him unless he needs something. From what I understand, they had a contentious relationship prior to my arrival. When stepson learned his father was remarrying (to me), he demanded that my husband either rent or give him his house since we planned to live in mine. When my husband told him we couldn't afford to do that, at least not at a rent that my stepson could pay (mortgage itself was pricey), he informed his dad that no, he would not be best man at the wedding and wanted nothing further to do with him. Except for the checks, help with moving as needed. etc.

I am really glad my family of origin doesn't behave like this.

Last edited by Grrlbrarian; 05-11-2016 at 11:58 AM.
#47
Old 05-11-2016, 12:17 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: SF Giants Nation 10-12-14
Posts: 21,962
My brother is a challenge and at times I really want to not (as in never ever) talk with him. I am struggling with how to forgive him for what he says and what he does. It may not be possible and I may have to move on.

I have pitted about him before, back in Feb 2013.

So, it's a reverse of the OP's situation and I haven't read the thread yet.
#48
Old 05-11-2016, 12:21 PM
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Join Date: May 2000
Location: Brookfield, IL
Posts: 10,517
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baker View Post
The title of the thread "Did anyone have a close family member stop talking to you?" seems top, so far, have answers that are all YES.

Am I the only NO? Thank goodness, my family gets along, doesn't hate or shun or cut people off.
Well, I suspect that the topic itself leads to some significant self-selection in who's choosing to post in it.

For myself, I suppose I'm fortunate in that there isn't any of this in my family.

That said, my sister-in-law regularly inflicts guilt and emotional abuse on my wife (and is unrepentant about it). I would be perfectly happy to never have to associate with my sister-in-law again, but, despite how often she's hurt my wife, my wife will never cut ties with her. So, my role winds up being counselor and support for my wife when her sister pulls this crap.
#49
Old 05-11-2016, 01:27 PM
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Posts: 45,223
My younger sister, who could never be at fault for anything and blamed me for all the abuse she committed on me. I told my mother to tell her to never contact me again or I would call the cops.
#50
Old 05-11-2016, 04:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shagnasty View Post
It probably isn't the wisest move for them to piss me off any more because it will greatly affect their fate but neither of them have ever been known to make rational decisions. The next time we speak will when they call me to try to negotiate and it isn't going to work.
Can you come back and update us when this happens? I need closure!
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